This is slightly insane, and slightly more, er, suggestive, than Wizards, so, be warned. Enjoy (:
Harry James Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived-And-Will-Continue-To-Until-He-Dies, was skipping along the seventh floor corridor. He was skipping because he was in a good mood, and he was in a good mood for several reasons.
A), OWLs were over, and two, Umbridge was very nearly, hopefully, just one mistake away from being sacked. And Dumbledore was back. But the main, most important reason was... sugar.
Lots and lots of sugar.
He'd been in the Room of Requirement gorging himself on the stuff, courtesy of the Hogwarts house elves, where no one could find him and take it away. He was now on his way back to the Common Room, clutching a bag of sherbet and singing loudly: "The wonderful thing about wizards, is wizards are wonderful things!"
But then, the halls rang with... silence. Harry whipped around, eyes wide, trying to find the source of this silence, and then, he was grabbed from behind. Something heavy hit his head, and he saw stars as he passed out. Everything went mauve.
When he woke, he was in a very uncomfortable position: his wrists were tied tightly, a square , solid chair back between his spine and wrists. Looking round, he began to try and make sense of his surroundings, glancing up, then – Wait. What was that? Glowing red lines? What were glowing red lines doing floating in midair?
Harry would have answered himself with 'floating. Duh. That's why they're floating in midair', but then, a realisation hit him (painfully) before he could. "They're Voldemort's eyes!" he yelled hysterically, fighting giggles.
"You dare speak his name?" cried a hissing, outraged voice, low and venomous, but most definitely female. "Oh, calm down, Bella, no need to throw a hissy fit," said another voice, drawling and masculine. Harry giggled again. "Hehe, hissy fit, hehe, hissy voice, it fits!"
"What did you say about my voice?" Bella snarled hissingly.
"Peace, Bella," said a third voice. It was high-pitched, cold, eerie, inhuman... hilarious. Yes, that's right, hilarious. Harry was trying so hard not to laugh. "You shall get your vengeance. But, do not kill him. That task is mine, and mine alone."
"Is it, Baldemort? Is it really?" Harry couldn't help his smart mouth, and there were loud hisses of outrage as he spoke.
"I see Potter has not lost his cheek," Baldy said softly, sounding so feminine it was unreal. "I fear we shall have to force it out of him."
"Good luck with that!" Harry giggled girlishly.
"And, what, pray tell, do you mean by that, Potter?" Baldy's voice was hard and icy cold, now.
"I mean, that I'm not the son of a Marauder and a cheeky redhead for nothing! You shall nev-arr take my cheek from me! Ouch, that would be painful and disgusting-"
"Then let's do it!" Bella hissed enthusiastically.
"Patience, my lov- er, my, er, minion!" Harry's jaw dropped.
"Oh. My. Wizard. God." He knew what Baldy's slip-up meant. Oh, Merlin, that was disgusting! "Did you and her – really – ya know?" Baldemort's intense blush was answer enough.
"...EWWW!" This exclamation came not only from Harry, but from every Death Eater in the room bar Bella (also known as Lucius). Harry giggled again, and was Stunned for his trouble.
Meannwhile, in Dumbledore's office...
"Sirius, Remus, I have some bad news," said Dumbledore, looking from one to the other. The two men glanced at other, instantly worried. "Is it about Harry?" Sirius asked warily.
"Unfortunately, yes," Dumbledore confirmed, looking grim. The werewolf and the Animagus paled and immediately began asking questions. "Is he okay? Where is he? Can we see him? What's wrong? Do we need to attack anyone? Is he okay?" Of course, with both speaking over the other, poor old Dumbles didn't get a word of it.
"Quiet!" The two obeyed, but they were clearly itching to talk.
"Now. The news: Harry is no longer in the castle." Sirius opened his mouth to say something, but Remus nudged him, as Dumbles had more to say. "We believe he has been kidnapped by Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters, and taken to a secret location."
"Well, we gotta go get him!"
"I agree," Dumbles said, looking at his desk, barely managing to finish before Remus spoke.
"But, Sirius, we don't know where he is, it's a secret location!" Dumbledore looked up in mild surprise, then smiled pleasantly.
"Oh, did I say secret? I meant not-so-secret. We know exactly where Harry has been taken."
"Where?"
"This is the bad bit... Malfoy Manor."
The end
No, not really.
"Well, we gotta go get him!"
"Sirius, you just said that!"
"Doesn't change it!"
"No, true. Dumbledore?" Remus looked to the old man. "How do we get in?"
An hour later, after an extremely dangerous mission of walking up the Malfoy's drive and through the Manor, Sirius and Remus burst into the room in which Harry was being held. Except Harry wasn't being held.
He was dancing manically in circles, singing at the top of his tone-deaf voice: "Baldymoo, Baldymoo, ooh, Baldy Baldy Baldy Baldymoo!" In the centre of the circles Harry was dancing, sat Lord Voldemort himself.
With a cow muzzle (A/N: is it called a muzzle? I think so. Or is it just a snout?) for a nose.
...
Well, half his face, actually.
And he was mooing. Loudly. Two Death Eaters were also with him, both of whom the two Marauders recognised, Sirius being related to them both – ish. Lucius and Bellatrix.
They were both tied to chairs as Baldy was, and they both had faces that were half farm animal. Lucius had a pig snout, while Bella had a black and white sheepdog muzzle.
When Remus and Sirius had taken in the scene, they both collapsed to the floor, guffawing so thunderously, it echoed throughout the huge manor house.
"Come on, Harry, let's go," Remus said, still laughing.
"Remus, wait, no!"
"What, why?"
"I want to do something first…" Harry said mysteriously. He waved his wand at Bella and quickly left the room, leading the two men as far down the corridor as they could get. Twenty feet away, Bella shrieked profanities so loud the manor actually trembled. Oops.
"What did you do to her, Pup?" Sirius asked, eyes glinting with humour.
"Oh, I just took Baldy's, er, extremities and put them on her…"
"Wow. You, Harry Potter, are now officially my favourite person under seventeen!"
"Love you too, Sirius." Remus just laughed, and the three of them strolled out of the building and summoned the Knight Bus back to Hogwarts. Upon exiting the vibrant purple bus, Sirius promptly puked, and was dragged up the drive to Madam Pomfrey, while Remus and Harry, although a little queasy, were fine.
As Sirius lay groaning in the Hospital Wing, the werewolf and the Boy-Who-Lived-And-Will-Continue-To-Until-He-Dies made their way up to Dumbledore's office.
Upon entering, the two looked around Dumbledore's office in complete confusion. The walls were now pink and sparkly, one adorned with a large Zefron poster, loud music was blasting from nowhere, and Albus Dumbledore, at age Merlin-Knows-How-Old, was dancing, er, suggestively in a Zefron T-shirt, High School Musical shorts and pink fluffy bunny slippers.
He was also singing along into his beard-brush. Harry and Remus stared, mouths open, before simultaneously smacking the other on the back of the head.
"Nope, not having a scary dream," Harry muttered.
"Is this normal for a scary dream of yours?" Remus murmured back.
"No, but it's scary enough to be!"
That was the moment that Dumbledore noticed them. He straightened up immediately and with a few flicks of his wand, everything was back to normal and Dumbledore was seated behind his desk which had mysteriously reappeared.
Except Dumbledore's clothing hadn't changed, but he seemed to love his attire too much to bear getting rid of it. And of course, the Zefron poster stayed.
"Let's forget that ever happened, shall we?" Dumbles said pleasantly.
"Yeah, let's," the other two readily agreed, sitting on the other side of Dumbledore's desk.
"I assume you were successful in your mission, Remus, as Harry is sat right there. Congratulations."
"We barely even did anything, Albus, Harry had already bested not only Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix, but Lord Voldemort himself as well."
"Bravo, dear boy!"
"Thanks, sir. But can I have some more sugar?" Harry sounded ridiculously like a whiny teenager at that moment. Which, of course, he was.
"Certainly. Go and see the house-elves in the kitchens. I'm sure your friend Dobby would be most pleased to supply you with anything you desire."
"Thanks, sir. Bye!"
"Albus, should I follow and make sure he doesn't, I don't know, blow up the school?" Remus asked, watching Harry out the door.
"No, I believe blowing things up is Mr. Finnigan's forte. However, you may leave if you wish."
"Thanks. Bye!" Dumbledore rolled his eyes, and waved his wand. His office reverted to the state it had been in when Harry and Remus had walked in, and his dance party resumed.
It was at that point Sirius walked in, having been released from the Hospital Wing with an Anti-Nausea Potion. His scream woke the entire castle.
"I'M MELTING! OH, MY EYES!"
A/N: Okay, so this was written ages ago, before Life handed me lemons that I'm unable to make lemonade out of at the moment. Wow, I feel old right now.
Anyway, I think the only stuff I'll be posting for a while is stuff already written, or possibly some depressing stuff, because that's how I'm feeling right now.
Some family upheaval is going on at the moment, and I still don't know whether I'll be allowed to see one of my favourite cousins ever again. Call me melodramatic, whatever, but today I came closer to a full out blub-fest than I have in over a year. It's quite serious, to us at least.
The only other stuff I might post is stuff that I had inspiration for before all this happened and have finally got round to writing because I had another really awesome idea for it. But I'll most likely just write those for now.
That also means that I'm taking, I think the Americans call it a 'sabbatical', from beta'ing Marwana's Lesson In Time fic, but she'll still be posting, only unbeta'ed. I really enjoy each chapter, so at least have a look.
Anyway (is it just me, or do I say that a lot?), I hope you enjoyed this little insight into my insane, high-on-sugar-flying take on Harry's fifth year ending. I might possibly do some for the other years, but I doubt it unless I get some ideas. If you have one, feel free to suggest.
I love you all, and please bear with me, I will hopefully be back soon! xxx