Aaron sat in the back of The Woolpack. Chas and Diane were both working that afternoon behind the bar and as for Victoria she was off somewhere with Alex. He was on his lunch break, a short lunch break since returning back to work. Cain had made sure to be even harsher when he took him back on after his little stunt. He knew it was going to take a while until Cain could trust him again and he understood. With everything he'd put them through he wasn't surprised by the way they were all acting around him. He had scared them. He'd scared himself! Aaron knew it was stupid of him to drag his mother down with him, anyone for that matter. After seeing his mother break down in Paddy's arms the other day he knew then that it wasn't fair to punish them as well. What he was going through was his own problem, no one else's and he needed to work it out himself on his own. He didn't need their help. He could manage on his own. He didn't want to ruin and break them like himself.
So that's why he found himself sitting on his own again, unwrapping the bandage his mother had secured round his hand to help aid his cut on his hand to heal. He couldn't help himself. Since running his hand under the scolding hot water a few days ago and feeling the mixed rush of pain and relief run through him he couldn't shake that wanting to feel it again. He'd done something similar a day or so later, pulling the only just healing skin on his cut open again and squeezing it until the blood ran down his hands but he'd felt the rush again and since then he just looked for it again. He wasn't hurting anybody with what he was doing. It wasn't effecting anybody but him and he didn't care. He wasn't lashing out at people or wrapping cars round trees, getting drunk or trashing anything. He was seeking relief.
Aaron bundled the bandage on his lap, and stared down at his right hand. With his other hand he used his thumb to press down on the skin surrounding the cut, tugging on the wound to reopen until blood began to seep from the cut once more. It hurt. It really did hurt. But he knew he deserved it in a way. It was the least to what he should be experiencing. Jackson had suffered far worse. It was his fault his late boyfriend had suffered so greatly. He was the cause.
As he watched the blood drip slowly onto the bandage on his lap, transfixed by the gradual flow, he began to think about what he'd screamed at his mum. He'd let out a lot of things the other day. A hell of a lot of things and he'd meant every word. Every night he was kept awake by the thoughts of What if he hadn't given so easy to Jackson. He should have fought harder, then maybe Jackson would still be with them. Aaron had stupidly allowed Jackson and Hazel to talk him round, tell him what a good idea it was. Well it wasn't. It was a horrible idea. He hated it so much. It haunted him to know he killed his own boyfriend. When he closed his eyes all he could see was Jackson, choking on the liquid as he helped him pour it down his throat. He couldn't bare to see Jackson look so desperate when Hazel had broken down in sobs unable to follow through. So he'd taken it upon himself to 'step up' and do as he was told. He never did as he was told before so why then? Why couldn't he keep up the record of going against what people said. Instead he played up to what Jerry thought he was all along. The man had every right to hate him now. He knew he hated himself.
"Aaron!"
He jumped out of his skin at the shrill tones of his alarmed mother as she popped her head round the door. Quickly, Aaron tried to recover his hand with the stained bandage, panicking that his mother caught what he was doing.
"What you doing?" She asked as she closed the door behind herself and approached her son, taking a seat beside him on the sofa.
Aaron cleared his throat. "Nothing."
"Well you're up to something." Chas backfired, grabbing his wrist and pulling his injured hand towards her to get a better closer look. "You're bleeding."
"I'm alright." Aaron assured her firmly, trying to tug his hand back.
But Chas held a firm grip on his wrist and began to unwind the poorly hastened bandage from his palm. For a few moments she spent looking at his cut before serving an unimpressed look.
"This should be healing by now." Chas accused him. "Why hasn't it? What've you been doing?"
Aaron snatched his hand back more forcefully, growing annoyed that she was putting him on the spot. "It just itches." Hel lied. Yeah, it itches alright. He itches to feel the rush again, the rush that sends endorphins to brain and sets out a state of calm inside of him. He needed that calm.
Chas looked at her son sceptically. "Whatever." She sighed somehow not believing him completely. "Let's clean it up before it gets manky."
"It's fine." Aaron said getting to his feet.
"No it's not." She told him. "Sit back down."
"Really, it's fine." Aaron argued with a fake smile. "I'm late back at work, don't want Cain finding an excuse to sack me again."
"Aaron I really think-." Chas began, ready to supply her son with a valid reason why he should listen to her and do as he was told.
"I'll see you later." Aaron shot back at her as he flew out the door. He couldn't be done with her fussing. It just made what he did a whole lost worse.
At the time, it was a great feeling and it just left him wanting more. But like every sort of rush/high you get you come back down and you begin to think rationally. You begin to realise what a stupid thing it was to do. And Chas fussing over the mess he'd made would make it seem a lot more stupid. He couldn't understand it. It would just add to all the other fucked up feelings and emotions raging within him, fighting to surface at any time if Chas began to pity him. He didn't need that.
A/N – Sorry guys for such a long time without any sort of update at all from me. Can't remember the last time I updated a fanfic. Incredibly sorry, I've been so busy it's been unbelievable. Anyway, not sure about this one, One shot or carry on? I'll see what you guys think. I thought I'd quickly type this out while I try and sort the other fanfics I have going at the moment. Quite saddened to see nobody's really picked up on the self harming route that Aaron seems to be taking, in the fanfic. Interesting to see what you guys thought about this. Hope you enjoy!