99 had left early that morning, leaving Max to make his own Cornflakes. He
was pretty sure that she went shopping, it was Monday, and she usually went
shopping on Monday.
Around 3:30 which even when 99 really let loose and shopped was late, there was noise like keys jangling. He listened and heard a loud proclamation (a cuss word) when she tried the doorknob. She called out eventually, "Max!"
He walked to the door, and went to open the door but stopped, "How do I know that you're 99?"
"Hmm." 99 paused knowing he was pulling his old-act-stupid-trick. "How about you ask me a question?"
"99, I can't think of a question. Why don't you tell me a secret?" He suggested.
"Well, you've got a birthmark on your," She started.
"Shh." He looked around, "One of your secrets!"
"Well," she blushed, "My birthmark is on…" she laughed nervously, "Do I have to say it out loud?"
He opened the door, "Whisper it to me." She leaned in and whispered it into his ear; he smiled as she continued blush a brilliant shade of red. He closed the door then opened it again. "99!"
"Max!" they exchanged some hugs and kisses.
"Where've you been?" Max asked glancing at his watch again
"Down at that burlesque house, you know the one where CONTROL's secret lab is located," 99 started saying.
"99," He corrected, "The follies theatre is not a burlesque house." She sighed.
"OK. I was at the follies theatre and I was helping Dr. Steele develop, a new cure for some poison, and happened on a new drug. The problem is I can't remember how to make it. So for the time it takes me to figure it out, I'm going to be a chorus girl." She held up her new costume.
"At that burlesque house?"
"Max," she mocked, "The follies theatre is not a burlesque house."
"But you're my wife." He whined.
"Now that we've established that would you like to get something to eat?" He grabbed her hand and held it in her face.
"See that? See the wedding ring?" He asked.
"Max," she said gently, holding up her other hand in his face, "My wedding ring's on this hand. And yes, I do see it. Believe me, doll, all I'll be doing there is dancing and singing, and it's only for a couple of days. I need a cover reason to be there day in and day out."
"But look at that costume." Max argued, pointing to it. "There's hardly no covering there at all."
"It's the same one Dr. Steele wears," she persisted, "Max for heaven's sake!"
"Yeah, but those guys in the audience whistle and cheer and stuff. I don't want the whistlin' and cheering at you!"
"Max you are impossible!" She yelled, "I'm going to do it anyway, whether you give me permission or not. I get up earlier than you, I can easily slip out!"
"I'll get up even earlier than that!"
"Now you're just being childish." She shouted back.
From somewhere down the hallway a door opening made itself known. Mrs. Cranston walked to the Smarts' open doorway, "Just let her go already, and let me get some peace and quiet!"
Max waited till she was out of earshot, "Miserable old hag."
"Eh, she's not that bad." 99 disagreed. "She has good intentions. Cut her a little slack." She grabbed her costume back, "And I'm going!"
@********@
"Chief?" Max asked while he walked through the sliding doors. "Can I talk to you about 99's assignment."
"Well," the chief started, "Technically it's top secret but I guess I can since she's your wife, sit down."
"Thank you Chief."
"99 is doing a few numbers at the follies theatre, while she duplicates a new drug she stumbled on trying to find an antidote with Dr. Steele." He explained.
"So what you're saying is she's taking off her clothes for the good of her country?" He demanded.
"You are narrow minded sometimes her clothes are staying on. You're just jealous, that other men are going to be cheering for 99. Look, why don't you go there and watch for yourself."
@************@
"I told you I was going to be using that one." 99 argued with Dr. Steele. "You're using the chemical I was using."
"I don't see your name on it anywhere." Dr. Steele answered, shoving past her.
"Hey don't mess with me, you nearly made me drop this stuff." 99 pushed her back.
"Ooh. I'm sorry," she remarked sarcastically, "Oh, I won't mess with the big important agent. I've just got a Ph.D. and you've got a license to kill. Ooh!"
"The only thing that's stopping me from scratching you eyes out is my priorities. I'll finish the drug first then I'll show you all I can do with my fist. Last year I broke a KAOS agent's neck, with just one blow. Watch your step"
"Five minutes, 99, you too Dr. Steele." The CONTROL agent stationed outside as the lighting director told them. He looked at the paper then back to 99, "Kitty Parkinson? I like it, it suits you."
"Thank you 54." She said before he disappeared out the trunk door again. (FYI: Kitty Parkinson was 99's cover name) 99 and Dr. Steele were unzipping the white lab coats, revealing their costumes.
The costume consisted of a short skirt, and their shirts had no back, it tied around their necks.
"I can't believe, I'm singing back up for you!" Dr. Steele griped in the background. 99 had started to stretch.
@***********@
"Next up," said the loudspeaker as Chief and Max walked in, "Kitty Parkinson, singing 'I wanna be loved by you', back-up sung by, Marion Steele."
"Oh, good." The chief commented, "We haven't missed her. Come on sit down at the bar I'll buy you a drink." The lights dimmed.
"I think it's starting chief." Max pointed out.
99 came out followed by Dr. Steele. The music started and 99 started to sing. Dr. Steele, was trying very hard to remember where her self-control went to. She had the urge to do something naughty, to get back at 99 for taking over her lab.
She reached up silently and pulled the string, and 99's shirt fell open. 99 stood frozen, unable to move. There were a lot of whistles and rude comments from the crowd. Her face was turning absolutely crimson.
"Chief," Max scolded, "Stop looking. 99 PUT YOUR SHIRT ON! YOUR SHIRT!"
She tied it up quickly, while Dr. Steele was standing in the background, with her arms crossed and a smirk on her face. 99 turned to her; walked up to her. She pulled back her fist, and socked in her right eye, upon which of course, the men in the audience started cheering.
Dr. Steele stumbled backward stunned, trying desperately to inch away from 99. 99 reached down and forced her to her feet by the front of her shirt, punching her again. She came back with one good shove.
She pushed free of 99 and dashed for the door, but 99 jumped on her and she fell to the floor, she turned her over, punching her more still. "Where's you Ph.D. now?
The chief got up from the bar and rushed onstage followed by Max. The chief grabbed 99's arm, and attempted to pull her off, she kicked at Dr. Steele wildly.
"54? Could you take her back to the lab?" The chief begged, trying to hand him the flailing 99.
"I could try." He said holding onto her arm. The chief rushed back to the stage. "Max? Is she alright?"
"She's alive, but she's really out cold, chief." Max said opening her eyelids. At which point the cheering crowd began chanting, 'Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!' "Shut-up!"
"54! Let me go!" 99 struggled, whit mite and main to get away. "I've gotta kill her!"
54 held tight. "What's the matter they're loving you! Listen to that roaring crowd, they love you."
"Then let me get back out there! They love me pounding the life out of Dr. Steele."
"What?"
"Yeah, I was out there pounding her face in." 99 explained placidly as she stopped struggling.
"Whatever she did I'm sure it's not enough to kill her." 54 told her; 99 laughed. "What did she do?"
"Well, it started out great, I was singing, she was singing back up. Then, then, ho-ho-ho then she took a hold of my pull strings," 99 demonstrated but keeping a good hold on them, "Gave 'em a good yank then dropped my shirt. Everyone was watching, everyone saw my… uh… my…"
"Bazooms?" 54 offered.
"Yeah, bazooms, and to top it all off, I took my fists and introduced them to her stomach face, and eyes. Not to mention I caught the chief looking, and Max is out there too. At present he's out there trying to bring Dr. Steele around."
"You knocked her out?" He asked, surprised.
"Yeah, she's out cold, I told her what she could do with her Ph.D."
"Oh, did she give you the 'big important agent' speech?" He asked, 99 burst out laughing.
"Yes." The chief came out to see 99 and 54 sitting on the floor talking. 99 looked up still laughing.
"Well," the chief said, "I'm glad you're amused. I think you broke her jaw."
"Hey I warned her." 99 defended. "I told her what I could do, and besides she started it. You saw!"
"Yeah come on, chief. You know Marion always does stuff like this. I mean she was mad 'bout 99 maybe taking over her lab, I witnessed the fight." 54 commented.
"Well, you do know that you're going to have to take over the lab till she's better?" The chief asked, while 99's jaw dropped.
"But, chief!"
"No, buts!"
"Chief, she started it, she deserved it! Chief how can you do this to me? I can't believe it. This is so not fair. You can't do this. Oh my gosh, YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I don't have a Ph.D. all I have is my LTK (License to Kill), I'm not a scientist! I'm a field agent, there's a big difference."
"99 calm down, sit down, just please stop yelling, I've got the worst headache!" He pleaded.
Max ran up to them, "Chief." He demanded, "You said she'd keep her clothes on! You lied! 99? How could you do that?"
"I didn't do it. It was Miss Ph.D. out there, you saw. Everybody did." She screamed back. "You think you don't like what happened? How d'you think I feel? You never think of anyone else, just yourself. I'll be in my dressing room."
The chief and Max and 54 watched 99 stomp off back to the lab. Max turned to the chief; "They tape these performances you know?"
The chief growled, "Some one ought to go talk to her, 54 why don't you do it?"
"Why me?" He asked, "Why not, Max? Why not you? I don't know her all that well, I've only known her for a couple of months."
"Yes, well she isn't mad at you." He said, "It's an order."
"Right chief." 54 caved before following after.
"Now Max." the chief turned to him, "What I want you to do, is see if you can get the crowd quieted, I'll bring Dr. Steele back to the lab." Max nodded.
He walked onstage. "May I have your attention?" He asked before being hit by a barrage of comments (like 'Where's kitty?' 'Who are you?' 'Bring Kitty back.' And so on, there were more, but they're just too rude, for the rating of this story…), "Hey!" Max shouted pulling out his gun, "I said shut-up, that's my wife, and this my gun. Will there be anymore questions?" The crowd was hushed. "Good."
Max walked back to join the chief, "I think you could've handled it a bit better, but you did shut them up. Come help me with Dr. Steele."
It was nightfall by the time she came too. For a while they thought 99 might have put her in a coma. She opened her eyes and looked around, "Where am I?"
"The lab." The chief told her.
"What lab?"
"You don't remember?" Max asked, shocked.
"The last thing I remember, the only thing I remember is, a crowd screaming Kitty and being hit in the face by a diamond ring." 99 looked down awkwardly at her diamond ring and covered it with her hand and kept her eyes averted.
"But you're Dr. Marion Steel, Ph.D. you work for the government agency CONTROL, working for the side of goodness in the fight against the rottenness and badness in the world." Max tried. The chief looked at him; "I was only trying to help chief!"
"And uh… her." Dr. Steele, looked out from underneath the cold compress that the chief was switching back and forth on both eyes (they were both black!). 99 looked at her nervously, "and pain."
"Well the way I remember it would be, revenge, revenge, and oh my heavens sweet revenge." 99 said nastily, "You pulled the strings of my shirt, and I flashed the entire audience. Then I pounded ya face in."
"I did that?" She tried to sit up, but it made her head feel worse, so she lay back down. "And you hit me?"
"You see?" She moved forward and put her ring-fist in the indentation perfectly, "Fits beautifully." She held up her other hand, "And my wedding ring fits that there."
"I think I need to go to the hospital, or anywhere." Dr. Steele insisted, "No offense, whoever-you-are, but she'd scares me."
99 came to her own defense again, "I'll show you scared," and lunged.
"99!" Max warned, "Please once is enough. Give her face a chance to heal! Unless you'd like to go home and get the anniversary ring I gave you." Max was holding on to her arm, and 99 was struggling.
"Max," the chief said, "Get her out of here, bring her home. 99 be here first thing tomorrow morning, you won't have back up, singing tomorrow!"
@*********************@
"Max, can't you talk to the chief," 99 purred, gently rubbing the side of his face, "Please."
"I'm sorry, 99, but I happen to agree with the chiefs decisions and action." He told her, trying to get up, because if she kept that up much longer, he'd agree to anything.
"Max! You're just mad!" She scolded, "You're mad because the whole audience saw my bazooms!"
"Bazooms?" Max asked.
"You're just jealous and mad," 99 stood up and walked to the window, she lifted it up and stuck her top half out the window, "Hey Washington!" she screamed starting to unbutton her shirt, Max realized what she was doing.
"99! Stop that." Max yelled, but she kept unbuttoning her shirt, he got up, and grabbed her, "Get away from the window. You're in worse mental condition than Dr. Steele is. I want you to go up to bed, but please stay away from windows!" He watched 99 tromp up the stairs, and only hoped that she went to bed.
That night, actually morning, but for argument's sake I'm going to say night, that night 99 tossed through an uneasy sleep. "Kill… Dr. Steele… no…" She sat up straight and pulled back the covers. "Gonna kill…" Max looked up.
"99? Where are you going?" She didn't respond she kept on walking, "99? I asked you where you were going." He got up and walked up behind her. He grabbed her arm, and she turned abruptly and opened her eyes.
She rubbed them and took a look around the room, "Why? Uh… how'd I get out of bed?"
Max shook his head, and they went back to bed, just a bit later, Max woke up again, and 99 was at the door. "99?" She turned to look but her eyes were still shut.
"Kill."
"99!" Max shouted, 99 opened her eyes and stumbled backward. They went through the whole, 'How'd I get out of bed?' routine and back to bed. This process was again repeated, this time, she made it all the way to the kitchen before Max caught her. The strange part was she was always asleep, but she knew straight where to go for gun and stuff.
"Come on 99." Max insisted. "Would you walk!"
"No." 99 argued trying without success to get away. "Let me go, I don't wanna go! Please."
"Dr. Phinx is your friend." Max said struggling with her, "He only wants to help you."
"The last time I heard that, I had my tonsils taken out. Couldn't talk for weeks."
"This is a special type of Doctor, 99, he wants your head to get better."
"There's nothing wrong with my head." She growled.
"And Dr. Phinx likes to see that it stays that way." Max began.
"Oh, Max, you wouldn't! You… you couldn't! I don't want to go to the psychiatrist. I DON'T WANNA GO! I DON'T WANNA GO!" she pleaded "Maxwell Smart, You let go of me this instant."
A ton of people walking by in the hallway stopped to stare at 99, one man in the hall stopped and leaned in to Max, "Going to the psychiatrist?"
"Yes," Max answered while 99 let her legs go limp, Max had a hold of her under her arms, she was struggling with her top half to get away.
"Good." He patted him on the shoulder, and Max continued to drag 99 down the hallway. He was glad, that at least 99 stopped kicking and screaming.
"99? Will you help?" He asked.
"No." She replied, "I won't."
"Well, at least she's not struggling." He muttered under his breath.
"What?"
"Nothing sweetie." He insisted, "Hey look there's a nice wheelchair, you wanna go for a ride in the wheelchair?"
"Um… no." 99 replied as some more people stopped to stare at 99 being drug down the hall by her underarms.
"But, 99," Max whined, "If you're not going to help me, how come you won't let me put you in a wheelchair, so I can push you instead of pull you?"
"It would be too easy for you to push." She explained, "Now, PULL." Max sighed and did as he was told. The elevator was an even bigger ordeal.
"99, stop slouching, people are staring," Max tried to get her to stand up, but with her feet limp he just couldn't get her all the way up.
"They're probably staring at you." She announced.
"Don't be ridiculous 99." Max told her, "Why would they be staring at me?"
"You've got your foot in a bedpan." He looked down, and saw the bed pan.
He looked to the woman standing next to him, "look, maybe you can settle an argument for us. You see, my wife and I were talking about why people are staring at us. Now, I say you're staring because I'm holding her by her armpits. And she says you're staring cause I'm standing in a bed pan."
"Well," the lady admitted, "I hadn't noticed that you're wife wasn't standing on her own, I was looking at the bedpan, on your foot." 99 smiled but tried to suppress it.
"Nobody likes an I-told-ya-so 99!" There was another short wait, as the elevator ascended to the 9th floor. "Oh, here we are 99." He pulled her out of the elevator, and up to a door labeled Dr. Byron Phinx, M.D. "99 would you do me a favor, and kick the door for me?"
"Yeah I guess so." She griped, and extended her foot into the bottom of the door. "… You're welcome."
The Doctor opened the door, "Ah…" he smiled and looked down at 99, but tried his best to keep smiling, "Come in, Mrs. Smart. Or better yet, bring her in Mr. Smart."
Max set her on the bed thing in psychiatrist rooms. "So how are we feeling today, Mrs. Smart?" He inquired.
99 looked to Max, "Betrayed, frustrated, embarrassed beyond compare!"
"Ok, let's start with betrayed. How?"
"Well, Max told me that he was taking me out to breakfast." 99 stopped to glare at him, "I didn't even get breakfast before he dragged me here."
"Keep going," He urged.
"Frustrated? Well, He didn't listen to me, I told him I don't like being in a psychiatrist's office, no offense, they all talk down. I visited one when I was a teenager for," she looked to Max. "Does he have to be here?"
Max got up, "Ok, I'll leave, but behave!" He warned. She saluted, "Ha Ha." Max added apathetically.
Dr. Phinx turned to 99, "Let's get back to the last time you had a psychiatrist visit."
"Well, my Dad had just died, and I kind of went a little crazy. I knew my mother lied and that my father was not killed in a car crash, he was murdered. What's worse is, by KAOS, an international organization of evil. I've never found the killer but that's why I became a secret agent, for CONTROL because we deal exclusively with KAOS."
"A secret agent?" He pondered, "How very interesting, I've never had one of those in here. Tell me, does it create any social problems, or with family?"
"Well, my mother knows, but Max's family doesn't know. Truth be told I've never cared for Max's mother, she's a pushy old woman, but Max can't see it because of how much he loves her. One time, when Max insisted we invite his mother to dinner, Max had to run out because he got an emergency call. She spent the entire time he was gone, telling me stuff like: The turkey was too dry. Don't you eat? Look at you, you're wasting away to nothing. You keep my Max well fed? I hope you give him better food, than this. And why don't you have children? I'd like to have grandchildren before I die. You must be doing something wrong. I hate her, I had the urge all through dinner to dump the gravy bowl over her head, but I'd never hear the end of it, from she or Max. I tried to tell him about what his mother did to me every time he left the room, but he never believed me, said I was just warming up to her, and insisted that his Mother was the kindest gentlest person in the world."
"I had a mother-in-law like that." He added, sympathizing. "Always asking how much I made to support my wife, and nagging stuff like that. She isn't a problem any more.'
"What'd you do?"
"She died." He explained. They talked for a little while longer, about this and that. 99 realized he wasn't all that bad, for a psychiatrist. A little later Max came back in and they whispered secretly, 99 sat there feeling like a child.
"Mrs. Smart?" Dr. Phinx turned to her eventually. "I'm going to need to give you a sedative. It goes in your back, lift up the back of your shirt please."
"I don't wanna." She crossed her arms. "No way. Not a chance." Max came over behind her and held her arms behind her back.
"Quick, Doc." Right before Dr. Phinx injected the shot into her back, she gave Max the finger. Dr. Phinx spent the next half-hour examining 99's subconscious reactions.
While waiting for 99 to wake up, Dr. Phinx, and Max conversed about 99's condition. "What's the diagnosis, Doc?"
"Well, ordinarily I'd be able to tell. Your wife is a compassionate and wonderful woman, who I'd say wouldn't hurt a fly, so I'd say it was guilt. But on the other hand she's a secret agent who's killed in the past and will in the future, so she might really want to kill her. You'll just have to keep an eye on her." 99 stirred in her sleep.
@************@
"No, Max." 99 argued. "Don't even think about it. Get away from me with that. I'm not insane, I do not need a straight jacket."
"99, the doctor thinks it would be in everyone's best interests if you can't walk in your sleep." Max explained walking slowly toward her.
"No. Max I swear if you try to put that on me, I'll do worse to you than I did to Dr. Steele." After a little struggling and, as promised, a little butt kicking (done mostly by 99) Max got it on her.
"There," Max concluded stepping back and looking at the finished product, 99 sat there shooting daggers with her eyes, "That's not so bad, now is it?" She spit at him. He wiped off the spit from his face "Maybe we'd better hit the sack, huh?"
So Max lifted her up, and she reluctantly walked up the stairs. "You know, Max," she started, "It's increasingly difficult to brush my teeth, with," she sighed, "This thing on."
"Forget about it tonight." Max said pulling down the bedcovers.
"Even so, how do you expect me to turn down the bed? How do you expect me to read a book? How am I supposed to go to the bathroom?" She demanded, "I don't like this! I don't like wearing this god-forsaken thing. Max it makes me feel crazy, and I'm not sure but I think it's making me crazy!"
"No, it's making you think you're crazy, but you know you're not." Max comforted.
"Then take this off me!" She pleaded, saddling up to him, best she could, "Oh, please Max. Please. PLEASE!"
"I can't! It's just a precaution so you don't get out in the middle of the night, and do something naughty. Please just try to sleep, I'll turn down the bed for you." He turned down the bed, he patted the bed, "Come on."
Reluctantly, still, and about a half-hour later, 99 and Max finally went to sleep. Max woke up hours later, he rolled over and felt around for 99. He sat up nervously and looked, and saw neither hide nor hair of 99.
He stood and dashed all 'round the apartment until he came back to the bedroom. He bent down and picked up the straight jacket. Oh-no Max thought to himself Wherever she is, she's without restraint.
He raced downstairs and saw that an empty gun holster had been laid on the floor by the door. He picked up the phone, and dialed hastily.
The chief picked up, "Max?"
"Yes it's me Chief."
"It's two in the morning."
"I know, but 99 got away! She's gone, stripped of her straight jacket, and she took her gun with her."
"Oh-no! Max Dr. Steele is working late at the lab, and 99 knows that! We've got to get to the lab. How long's she been gone?"
"I don't know, Chief. I just woke up, she can't be going too fast, she'd be on foot."
"I'll meet you at the lab."
"Right." The chief and Max said good-bye and Max dashed to his car.
@************@
"99? What are you doing here?" Dr. Steele asked turning in the other direction, "Dressed like that?" 99 advanced and turned her around by means of the back of her shirt. "99, what are you doing?"
99 threw her down to the floor and Dr. Steele knocked over two trays of chemicals. 99 reached down and held her to the floor, and pulled out her gun.
"I'm sorry, I know it was wrong, but I was angry. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!" 99 still held her to the floor by her neck, and pulled back the hammer (that top thing on the gun you have to pull before you pull the trigger, if I'm wrong forgive me).
'I'm sorry!', the words sounded over and over in her head, 'I'm sorry!' She put the gun down and opened her eyes. She looked around bewildered, she put a hand to her head.
"Dr. Steele? What am I doing here?" She looked down at her attire, "Dressed like this?" Dr. Steele snickered to herself.
The chief and Max burst through the door and looked at 99 still holding Dr. Steele to the ground, a rainbow of colors spilling on the floor, and a gun on the floor.
@**********@
"All's well that ends well." Dr. Steele insisted, 99 handed her a vial and she mixed it in with another, "Forget about it."
"Yes, but I am sorry." 99 tried again. "I'm glad we're friends." Dr. Steele and 99 had become very good friends, since 99 tried to kill her (not exactly good reasoning but…).
"Me too." Just then Max came in being helped by 54.
"He stepped on a rusty nail, ladies." He put him up onto a bed (type thing).
Dr. Steele did a bit of examining, "You're going to need a tetanus shot Mr. Smart." She handed the needle to 99, and spoke to her, "Would you like to do the honors?"
"Don't mind if I do." 99 said, "Drop 'em Max."
"Uh… 99 I don't know if you ought to," He explained, pulling down his pants just enough, "You've got a lot of unresolved anger, and," he winced, "I've got a gut feeling, that this is going huRRRRRRRTTTTTT!!!!"
Around 3:30 which even when 99 really let loose and shopped was late, there was noise like keys jangling. He listened and heard a loud proclamation (a cuss word) when she tried the doorknob. She called out eventually, "Max!"
He walked to the door, and went to open the door but stopped, "How do I know that you're 99?"
"Hmm." 99 paused knowing he was pulling his old-act-stupid-trick. "How about you ask me a question?"
"99, I can't think of a question. Why don't you tell me a secret?" He suggested.
"Well, you've got a birthmark on your," She started.
"Shh." He looked around, "One of your secrets!"
"Well," she blushed, "My birthmark is on…" she laughed nervously, "Do I have to say it out loud?"
He opened the door, "Whisper it to me." She leaned in and whispered it into his ear; he smiled as she continued blush a brilliant shade of red. He closed the door then opened it again. "99!"
"Max!" they exchanged some hugs and kisses.
"Where've you been?" Max asked glancing at his watch again
"Down at that burlesque house, you know the one where CONTROL's secret lab is located," 99 started saying.
"99," He corrected, "The follies theatre is not a burlesque house." She sighed.
"OK. I was at the follies theatre and I was helping Dr. Steele develop, a new cure for some poison, and happened on a new drug. The problem is I can't remember how to make it. So for the time it takes me to figure it out, I'm going to be a chorus girl." She held up her new costume.
"At that burlesque house?"
"Max," she mocked, "The follies theatre is not a burlesque house."
"But you're my wife." He whined.
"Now that we've established that would you like to get something to eat?" He grabbed her hand and held it in her face.
"See that? See the wedding ring?" He asked.
"Max," she said gently, holding up her other hand in his face, "My wedding ring's on this hand. And yes, I do see it. Believe me, doll, all I'll be doing there is dancing and singing, and it's only for a couple of days. I need a cover reason to be there day in and day out."
"But look at that costume." Max argued, pointing to it. "There's hardly no covering there at all."
"It's the same one Dr. Steele wears," she persisted, "Max for heaven's sake!"
"Yeah, but those guys in the audience whistle and cheer and stuff. I don't want the whistlin' and cheering at you!"
"Max you are impossible!" She yelled, "I'm going to do it anyway, whether you give me permission or not. I get up earlier than you, I can easily slip out!"
"I'll get up even earlier than that!"
"Now you're just being childish." She shouted back.
From somewhere down the hallway a door opening made itself known. Mrs. Cranston walked to the Smarts' open doorway, "Just let her go already, and let me get some peace and quiet!"
Max waited till she was out of earshot, "Miserable old hag."
"Eh, she's not that bad." 99 disagreed. "She has good intentions. Cut her a little slack." She grabbed her costume back, "And I'm going!"
@********@
"Chief?" Max asked while he walked through the sliding doors. "Can I talk to you about 99's assignment."
"Well," the chief started, "Technically it's top secret but I guess I can since she's your wife, sit down."
"Thank you Chief."
"99 is doing a few numbers at the follies theatre, while she duplicates a new drug she stumbled on trying to find an antidote with Dr. Steele." He explained.
"So what you're saying is she's taking off her clothes for the good of her country?" He demanded.
"You are narrow minded sometimes her clothes are staying on. You're just jealous, that other men are going to be cheering for 99. Look, why don't you go there and watch for yourself."
@************@
"I told you I was going to be using that one." 99 argued with Dr. Steele. "You're using the chemical I was using."
"I don't see your name on it anywhere." Dr. Steele answered, shoving past her.
"Hey don't mess with me, you nearly made me drop this stuff." 99 pushed her back.
"Ooh. I'm sorry," she remarked sarcastically, "Oh, I won't mess with the big important agent. I've just got a Ph.D. and you've got a license to kill. Ooh!"
"The only thing that's stopping me from scratching you eyes out is my priorities. I'll finish the drug first then I'll show you all I can do with my fist. Last year I broke a KAOS agent's neck, with just one blow. Watch your step"
"Five minutes, 99, you too Dr. Steele." The CONTROL agent stationed outside as the lighting director told them. He looked at the paper then back to 99, "Kitty Parkinson? I like it, it suits you."
"Thank you 54." She said before he disappeared out the trunk door again. (FYI: Kitty Parkinson was 99's cover name) 99 and Dr. Steele were unzipping the white lab coats, revealing their costumes.
The costume consisted of a short skirt, and their shirts had no back, it tied around their necks.
"I can't believe, I'm singing back up for you!" Dr. Steele griped in the background. 99 had started to stretch.
@***********@
"Next up," said the loudspeaker as Chief and Max walked in, "Kitty Parkinson, singing 'I wanna be loved by you', back-up sung by, Marion Steele."
"Oh, good." The chief commented, "We haven't missed her. Come on sit down at the bar I'll buy you a drink." The lights dimmed.
"I think it's starting chief." Max pointed out.
99 came out followed by Dr. Steele. The music started and 99 started to sing. Dr. Steele, was trying very hard to remember where her self-control went to. She had the urge to do something naughty, to get back at 99 for taking over her lab.
She reached up silently and pulled the string, and 99's shirt fell open. 99 stood frozen, unable to move. There were a lot of whistles and rude comments from the crowd. Her face was turning absolutely crimson.
"Chief," Max scolded, "Stop looking. 99 PUT YOUR SHIRT ON! YOUR SHIRT!"
She tied it up quickly, while Dr. Steele was standing in the background, with her arms crossed and a smirk on her face. 99 turned to her; walked up to her. She pulled back her fist, and socked in her right eye, upon which of course, the men in the audience started cheering.
Dr. Steele stumbled backward stunned, trying desperately to inch away from 99. 99 reached down and forced her to her feet by the front of her shirt, punching her again. She came back with one good shove.
She pushed free of 99 and dashed for the door, but 99 jumped on her and she fell to the floor, she turned her over, punching her more still. "Where's you Ph.D. now?
The chief got up from the bar and rushed onstage followed by Max. The chief grabbed 99's arm, and attempted to pull her off, she kicked at Dr. Steele wildly.
"54? Could you take her back to the lab?" The chief begged, trying to hand him the flailing 99.
"I could try." He said holding onto her arm. The chief rushed back to the stage. "Max? Is she alright?"
"She's alive, but she's really out cold, chief." Max said opening her eyelids. At which point the cheering crowd began chanting, 'Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!' "Shut-up!"
"54! Let me go!" 99 struggled, whit mite and main to get away. "I've gotta kill her!"
54 held tight. "What's the matter they're loving you! Listen to that roaring crowd, they love you."
"Then let me get back out there! They love me pounding the life out of Dr. Steele."
"What?"
"Yeah, I was out there pounding her face in." 99 explained placidly as she stopped struggling.
"Whatever she did I'm sure it's not enough to kill her." 54 told her; 99 laughed. "What did she do?"
"Well, it started out great, I was singing, she was singing back up. Then, then, ho-ho-ho then she took a hold of my pull strings," 99 demonstrated but keeping a good hold on them, "Gave 'em a good yank then dropped my shirt. Everyone was watching, everyone saw my… uh… my…"
"Bazooms?" 54 offered.
"Yeah, bazooms, and to top it all off, I took my fists and introduced them to her stomach face, and eyes. Not to mention I caught the chief looking, and Max is out there too. At present he's out there trying to bring Dr. Steele around."
"You knocked her out?" He asked, surprised.
"Yeah, she's out cold, I told her what she could do with her Ph.D."
"Oh, did she give you the 'big important agent' speech?" He asked, 99 burst out laughing.
"Yes." The chief came out to see 99 and 54 sitting on the floor talking. 99 looked up still laughing.
"Well," the chief said, "I'm glad you're amused. I think you broke her jaw."
"Hey I warned her." 99 defended. "I told her what I could do, and besides she started it. You saw!"
"Yeah come on, chief. You know Marion always does stuff like this. I mean she was mad 'bout 99 maybe taking over her lab, I witnessed the fight." 54 commented.
"Well, you do know that you're going to have to take over the lab till she's better?" The chief asked, while 99's jaw dropped.
"But, chief!"
"No, buts!"
"Chief, she started it, she deserved it! Chief how can you do this to me? I can't believe it. This is so not fair. You can't do this. Oh my gosh, YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I don't have a Ph.D. all I have is my LTK (License to Kill), I'm not a scientist! I'm a field agent, there's a big difference."
"99 calm down, sit down, just please stop yelling, I've got the worst headache!" He pleaded.
Max ran up to them, "Chief." He demanded, "You said she'd keep her clothes on! You lied! 99? How could you do that?"
"I didn't do it. It was Miss Ph.D. out there, you saw. Everybody did." She screamed back. "You think you don't like what happened? How d'you think I feel? You never think of anyone else, just yourself. I'll be in my dressing room."
The chief and Max and 54 watched 99 stomp off back to the lab. Max turned to the chief; "They tape these performances you know?"
The chief growled, "Some one ought to go talk to her, 54 why don't you do it?"
"Why me?" He asked, "Why not, Max? Why not you? I don't know her all that well, I've only known her for a couple of months."
"Yes, well she isn't mad at you." He said, "It's an order."
"Right chief." 54 caved before following after.
"Now Max." the chief turned to him, "What I want you to do, is see if you can get the crowd quieted, I'll bring Dr. Steele back to the lab." Max nodded.
He walked onstage. "May I have your attention?" He asked before being hit by a barrage of comments (like 'Where's kitty?' 'Who are you?' 'Bring Kitty back.' And so on, there were more, but they're just too rude, for the rating of this story…), "Hey!" Max shouted pulling out his gun, "I said shut-up, that's my wife, and this my gun. Will there be anymore questions?" The crowd was hushed. "Good."
Max walked back to join the chief, "I think you could've handled it a bit better, but you did shut them up. Come help me with Dr. Steele."
It was nightfall by the time she came too. For a while they thought 99 might have put her in a coma. She opened her eyes and looked around, "Where am I?"
"The lab." The chief told her.
"What lab?"
"You don't remember?" Max asked, shocked.
"The last thing I remember, the only thing I remember is, a crowd screaming Kitty and being hit in the face by a diamond ring." 99 looked down awkwardly at her diamond ring and covered it with her hand and kept her eyes averted.
"But you're Dr. Marion Steel, Ph.D. you work for the government agency CONTROL, working for the side of goodness in the fight against the rottenness and badness in the world." Max tried. The chief looked at him; "I was only trying to help chief!"
"And uh… her." Dr. Steele, looked out from underneath the cold compress that the chief was switching back and forth on both eyes (they were both black!). 99 looked at her nervously, "and pain."
"Well the way I remember it would be, revenge, revenge, and oh my heavens sweet revenge." 99 said nastily, "You pulled the strings of my shirt, and I flashed the entire audience. Then I pounded ya face in."
"I did that?" She tried to sit up, but it made her head feel worse, so she lay back down. "And you hit me?"
"You see?" She moved forward and put her ring-fist in the indentation perfectly, "Fits beautifully." She held up her other hand, "And my wedding ring fits that there."
"I think I need to go to the hospital, or anywhere." Dr. Steele insisted, "No offense, whoever-you-are, but she'd scares me."
99 came to her own defense again, "I'll show you scared," and lunged.
"99!" Max warned, "Please once is enough. Give her face a chance to heal! Unless you'd like to go home and get the anniversary ring I gave you." Max was holding on to her arm, and 99 was struggling.
"Max," the chief said, "Get her out of here, bring her home. 99 be here first thing tomorrow morning, you won't have back up, singing tomorrow!"
@*********************@
"Max, can't you talk to the chief," 99 purred, gently rubbing the side of his face, "Please."
"I'm sorry, 99, but I happen to agree with the chiefs decisions and action." He told her, trying to get up, because if she kept that up much longer, he'd agree to anything.
"Max! You're just mad!" She scolded, "You're mad because the whole audience saw my bazooms!"
"Bazooms?" Max asked.
"You're just jealous and mad," 99 stood up and walked to the window, she lifted it up and stuck her top half out the window, "Hey Washington!" she screamed starting to unbutton her shirt, Max realized what she was doing.
"99! Stop that." Max yelled, but she kept unbuttoning her shirt, he got up, and grabbed her, "Get away from the window. You're in worse mental condition than Dr. Steele is. I want you to go up to bed, but please stay away from windows!" He watched 99 tromp up the stairs, and only hoped that she went to bed.
That night, actually morning, but for argument's sake I'm going to say night, that night 99 tossed through an uneasy sleep. "Kill… Dr. Steele… no…" She sat up straight and pulled back the covers. "Gonna kill…" Max looked up.
"99? Where are you going?" She didn't respond she kept on walking, "99? I asked you where you were going." He got up and walked up behind her. He grabbed her arm, and she turned abruptly and opened her eyes.
She rubbed them and took a look around the room, "Why? Uh… how'd I get out of bed?"
Max shook his head, and they went back to bed, just a bit later, Max woke up again, and 99 was at the door. "99?" She turned to look but her eyes were still shut.
"Kill."
"99!" Max shouted, 99 opened her eyes and stumbled backward. They went through the whole, 'How'd I get out of bed?' routine and back to bed. This process was again repeated, this time, she made it all the way to the kitchen before Max caught her. The strange part was she was always asleep, but she knew straight where to go for gun and stuff.
"Come on 99." Max insisted. "Would you walk!"
"No." 99 argued trying without success to get away. "Let me go, I don't wanna go! Please."
"Dr. Phinx is your friend." Max said struggling with her, "He only wants to help you."
"The last time I heard that, I had my tonsils taken out. Couldn't talk for weeks."
"This is a special type of Doctor, 99, he wants your head to get better."
"There's nothing wrong with my head." She growled.
"And Dr. Phinx likes to see that it stays that way." Max began.
"Oh, Max, you wouldn't! You… you couldn't! I don't want to go to the psychiatrist. I DON'T WANNA GO! I DON'T WANNA GO!" she pleaded "Maxwell Smart, You let go of me this instant."
A ton of people walking by in the hallway stopped to stare at 99, one man in the hall stopped and leaned in to Max, "Going to the psychiatrist?"
"Yes," Max answered while 99 let her legs go limp, Max had a hold of her under her arms, she was struggling with her top half to get away.
"Good." He patted him on the shoulder, and Max continued to drag 99 down the hallway. He was glad, that at least 99 stopped kicking and screaming.
"99? Will you help?" He asked.
"No." She replied, "I won't."
"Well, at least she's not struggling." He muttered under his breath.
"What?"
"Nothing sweetie." He insisted, "Hey look there's a nice wheelchair, you wanna go for a ride in the wheelchair?"
"Um… no." 99 replied as some more people stopped to stare at 99 being drug down the hall by her underarms.
"But, 99," Max whined, "If you're not going to help me, how come you won't let me put you in a wheelchair, so I can push you instead of pull you?"
"It would be too easy for you to push." She explained, "Now, PULL." Max sighed and did as he was told. The elevator was an even bigger ordeal.
"99, stop slouching, people are staring," Max tried to get her to stand up, but with her feet limp he just couldn't get her all the way up.
"They're probably staring at you." She announced.
"Don't be ridiculous 99." Max told her, "Why would they be staring at me?"
"You've got your foot in a bedpan." He looked down, and saw the bed pan.
He looked to the woman standing next to him, "look, maybe you can settle an argument for us. You see, my wife and I were talking about why people are staring at us. Now, I say you're staring because I'm holding her by her armpits. And she says you're staring cause I'm standing in a bed pan."
"Well," the lady admitted, "I hadn't noticed that you're wife wasn't standing on her own, I was looking at the bedpan, on your foot." 99 smiled but tried to suppress it.
"Nobody likes an I-told-ya-so 99!" There was another short wait, as the elevator ascended to the 9th floor. "Oh, here we are 99." He pulled her out of the elevator, and up to a door labeled Dr. Byron Phinx, M.D. "99 would you do me a favor, and kick the door for me?"
"Yeah I guess so." She griped, and extended her foot into the bottom of the door. "… You're welcome."
The Doctor opened the door, "Ah…" he smiled and looked down at 99, but tried his best to keep smiling, "Come in, Mrs. Smart. Or better yet, bring her in Mr. Smart."
Max set her on the bed thing in psychiatrist rooms. "So how are we feeling today, Mrs. Smart?" He inquired.
99 looked to Max, "Betrayed, frustrated, embarrassed beyond compare!"
"Ok, let's start with betrayed. How?"
"Well, Max told me that he was taking me out to breakfast." 99 stopped to glare at him, "I didn't even get breakfast before he dragged me here."
"Keep going," He urged.
"Frustrated? Well, He didn't listen to me, I told him I don't like being in a psychiatrist's office, no offense, they all talk down. I visited one when I was a teenager for," she looked to Max. "Does he have to be here?"
Max got up, "Ok, I'll leave, but behave!" He warned. She saluted, "Ha Ha." Max added apathetically.
Dr. Phinx turned to 99, "Let's get back to the last time you had a psychiatrist visit."
"Well, my Dad had just died, and I kind of went a little crazy. I knew my mother lied and that my father was not killed in a car crash, he was murdered. What's worse is, by KAOS, an international organization of evil. I've never found the killer but that's why I became a secret agent, for CONTROL because we deal exclusively with KAOS."
"A secret agent?" He pondered, "How very interesting, I've never had one of those in here. Tell me, does it create any social problems, or with family?"
"Well, my mother knows, but Max's family doesn't know. Truth be told I've never cared for Max's mother, she's a pushy old woman, but Max can't see it because of how much he loves her. One time, when Max insisted we invite his mother to dinner, Max had to run out because he got an emergency call. She spent the entire time he was gone, telling me stuff like: The turkey was too dry. Don't you eat? Look at you, you're wasting away to nothing. You keep my Max well fed? I hope you give him better food, than this. And why don't you have children? I'd like to have grandchildren before I die. You must be doing something wrong. I hate her, I had the urge all through dinner to dump the gravy bowl over her head, but I'd never hear the end of it, from she or Max. I tried to tell him about what his mother did to me every time he left the room, but he never believed me, said I was just warming up to her, and insisted that his Mother was the kindest gentlest person in the world."
"I had a mother-in-law like that." He added, sympathizing. "Always asking how much I made to support my wife, and nagging stuff like that. She isn't a problem any more.'
"What'd you do?"
"She died." He explained. They talked for a little while longer, about this and that. 99 realized he wasn't all that bad, for a psychiatrist. A little later Max came back in and they whispered secretly, 99 sat there feeling like a child.
"Mrs. Smart?" Dr. Phinx turned to her eventually. "I'm going to need to give you a sedative. It goes in your back, lift up the back of your shirt please."
"I don't wanna." She crossed her arms. "No way. Not a chance." Max came over behind her and held her arms behind her back.
"Quick, Doc." Right before Dr. Phinx injected the shot into her back, she gave Max the finger. Dr. Phinx spent the next half-hour examining 99's subconscious reactions.
While waiting for 99 to wake up, Dr. Phinx, and Max conversed about 99's condition. "What's the diagnosis, Doc?"
"Well, ordinarily I'd be able to tell. Your wife is a compassionate and wonderful woman, who I'd say wouldn't hurt a fly, so I'd say it was guilt. But on the other hand she's a secret agent who's killed in the past and will in the future, so she might really want to kill her. You'll just have to keep an eye on her." 99 stirred in her sleep.
@************@
"No, Max." 99 argued. "Don't even think about it. Get away from me with that. I'm not insane, I do not need a straight jacket."
"99, the doctor thinks it would be in everyone's best interests if you can't walk in your sleep." Max explained walking slowly toward her.
"No. Max I swear if you try to put that on me, I'll do worse to you than I did to Dr. Steele." After a little struggling and, as promised, a little butt kicking (done mostly by 99) Max got it on her.
"There," Max concluded stepping back and looking at the finished product, 99 sat there shooting daggers with her eyes, "That's not so bad, now is it?" She spit at him. He wiped off the spit from his face "Maybe we'd better hit the sack, huh?"
So Max lifted her up, and she reluctantly walked up the stairs. "You know, Max," she started, "It's increasingly difficult to brush my teeth, with," she sighed, "This thing on."
"Forget about it tonight." Max said pulling down the bedcovers.
"Even so, how do you expect me to turn down the bed? How do you expect me to read a book? How am I supposed to go to the bathroom?" She demanded, "I don't like this! I don't like wearing this god-forsaken thing. Max it makes me feel crazy, and I'm not sure but I think it's making me crazy!"
"No, it's making you think you're crazy, but you know you're not." Max comforted.
"Then take this off me!" She pleaded, saddling up to him, best she could, "Oh, please Max. Please. PLEASE!"
"I can't! It's just a precaution so you don't get out in the middle of the night, and do something naughty. Please just try to sleep, I'll turn down the bed for you." He turned down the bed, he patted the bed, "Come on."
Reluctantly, still, and about a half-hour later, 99 and Max finally went to sleep. Max woke up hours later, he rolled over and felt around for 99. He sat up nervously and looked, and saw neither hide nor hair of 99.
He stood and dashed all 'round the apartment until he came back to the bedroom. He bent down and picked up the straight jacket. Oh-no Max thought to himself Wherever she is, she's without restraint.
He raced downstairs and saw that an empty gun holster had been laid on the floor by the door. He picked up the phone, and dialed hastily.
The chief picked up, "Max?"
"Yes it's me Chief."
"It's two in the morning."
"I know, but 99 got away! She's gone, stripped of her straight jacket, and she took her gun with her."
"Oh-no! Max Dr. Steele is working late at the lab, and 99 knows that! We've got to get to the lab. How long's she been gone?"
"I don't know, Chief. I just woke up, she can't be going too fast, she'd be on foot."
"I'll meet you at the lab."
"Right." The chief and Max said good-bye and Max dashed to his car.
@************@
"99? What are you doing here?" Dr. Steele asked turning in the other direction, "Dressed like that?" 99 advanced and turned her around by means of the back of her shirt. "99, what are you doing?"
99 threw her down to the floor and Dr. Steele knocked over two trays of chemicals. 99 reached down and held her to the floor, and pulled out her gun.
"I'm sorry, I know it was wrong, but I was angry. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!" 99 still held her to the floor by her neck, and pulled back the hammer (that top thing on the gun you have to pull before you pull the trigger, if I'm wrong forgive me).
'I'm sorry!', the words sounded over and over in her head, 'I'm sorry!' She put the gun down and opened her eyes. She looked around bewildered, she put a hand to her head.
"Dr. Steele? What am I doing here?" She looked down at her attire, "Dressed like this?" Dr. Steele snickered to herself.
The chief and Max burst through the door and looked at 99 still holding Dr. Steele to the ground, a rainbow of colors spilling on the floor, and a gun on the floor.
@**********@
"All's well that ends well." Dr. Steele insisted, 99 handed her a vial and she mixed it in with another, "Forget about it."
"Yes, but I am sorry." 99 tried again. "I'm glad we're friends." Dr. Steele and 99 had become very good friends, since 99 tried to kill her (not exactly good reasoning but…).
"Me too." Just then Max came in being helped by 54.
"He stepped on a rusty nail, ladies." He put him up onto a bed (type thing).
Dr. Steele did a bit of examining, "You're going to need a tetanus shot Mr. Smart." She handed the needle to 99, and spoke to her, "Would you like to do the honors?"
"Don't mind if I do." 99 said, "Drop 'em Max."
"Uh… 99 I don't know if you ought to," He explained, pulling down his pants just enough, "You've got a lot of unresolved anger, and," he winced, "I've got a gut feeling, that this is going huRRRRRRRTTTTTT!!!!"