The Great Debate
~ The Last Time Lord
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Doctor Who (yet…) and I don't make any money off of this. I just like to use the characters. :3
A/N: It's been a while since I've seen the first seasons of the revamp, so my memory of 9 and his habits are REALLY fuzzy - I am asking you to be kind and not bash me for not getting certain details right. Ecclestone is my favourite Doctor to date and I am still very disappointed that he left so soon. I wrote this fic when I was on a bit of a sugar high, so it's very silly. Enjoy! I hope this at the very least cracks a smile for you!
"But they're horrible, Jack! How in the universe can you stand them?" The Doctor exclaimed to the ex-time agent, a twinge of disgust tainting his northern accent. As Rose closed the doors behind her, the Doctor began the slow dance around the console that would take them into deep space where his TARDIS could rest for a bit and from where they would eventually head off from in the direction some new planet with a new adventure on it.
"'Different strokes for different folks', Doc." Jack retorted humorously.
The Doctor pounded a flashing purple button with his mallet then proceeded to pull what very well could have been something off of a pin-ball machine. Without breaking a stride as he continued around the console, the Time Lord replied: "I'm very well aware of that, Jack; I even met the chap who first said it – nice person, very understanding I dare say and –"
"- Get to the point, Doc." Jack cut in; he had no desire to hear the Doctor prattle away.
The Doctor halted his activities for a moment and looked at Jack with a vexed expression. "I was getting to that, but you oh-so-rudely interrupted. I am well aware that there will be differences in tastes amongst people, but it still seems incomprehensible that there is even a single person in the universe that is able to tolerate those ghastly things." A beeping noise drew his attention back to the console and pulled a handful of levers and subsequently continued to fly them into deep space.
The Captain was now well on his way to being irritated while Rose simply sat in the Captain's chair finding the whole exchange quite diverting.
"Oh, come on, Doc! You say the same thing about pears and there are probably billions of people, probably even more, who favour the fruit! You can't make assumptions like that regarding anything, because there's a very tiny guarantee that you are actually right. Besides, even those who aren't big on 'em don't find them that bad."
The Doctor snorted derisively and muttered under his breath that it wasn't likely. Rose laughed; Jack scowled. Jack looked over to the blonde who was now failing miserably at containing her mirth, a wide mischievous grin plastered on her face, and decided to try and find an ally in the other companion.
"Hey, are you just going to sit there idly and laugh while I'm being fed to the wolves, Rose? I need back up here!"
" 'm sorry, Jack, but I can't help you out here. 'Juicy Pear' isn't exactly my favourite jelly-baby in the world."
Jack perked up when he heard that she didn't despise them. A spark of hope lit up in his heart. "Aha! But you don't find them that bad? They are, in fact, edible? 'Cuz Mr. Big-ears over there,-" Jack thrust his thumb in the direction of the Doctor who was behind him trying to read something on the scanner. The Doctor, who had heard Jack's comment, let out an indignant 'Oi!' The ex-Time Agent ignored him and continued on, "-doesn't seem to think so."
Rose shrugged her shoulders. "I s'pose so; I mean I can eat 'em, but they're not my first pick. I'd much rather have a 'French Vanilla' one."
The little spark of hope that had lifted Jack's spirits just a moment before was smothered and he pouted. "The Universe hates me." Jack grumbled petulantly.
The Doctor turned to face his companions.
"Well, to be honest with ya, I don't blame her. Out of all the jelly-baby flavours you could possibly choose to be the best, you had to pick 'Juicy Pear'! You very might've well said that you thought that Dodo birds were intelligent!" The Doctor's face momentarily scrunched up into grimace of disgust, which then turned into a manic grin as he began to speak again. "Now, if you ask me, the best jelly-baby in the entire Cosmos is –"
"– Don't need to ask ya, Doctor. There's only one possible savour tha' you'd claim to be king of 'em all." Rose said with a smirk.
The Doctor harrumphed and folded his arms over his chest. "Seein' as how I'm the oldest person here, I should think that I'd be permitted to put in my two cents, not to mention that I've had more time than the pair of you combined to enjoy 'em. There was even one of my previous selves – the fourth one, I think – that had a particular penchant for the sweet."
"Well, excuse us for not letting the connoisseur of jelly-babies give us his recommendations." Jack uttered sarcastically.
Rose rolled her eyes at the shenanigans of her friend. "Alright, then, enlighten us: which jelly-baby is the finest in all of Time and Space?"
The Doctor was just about to give his answer when a beeping noise coming from the console drew his attention back to the little screen upon which Gallifreyan glyphs were streaming.
Jack, suddenly returning to his usual chipper and rascally mood, went over to where Rose was sitting and whispered to her: "Bet'cha five quid that he's gonna be the unpredictable Time Lord that he is and say anything other than 'Banana'."
"And I'll wager ya five quid and a week of doin' dishes he won't." Rose murmured back.
Just as Rose and Jack were going to shake on the bet they'd made, the Doctor, with his back still turned to them, interjected: "I'd be careful about making bets with that one if I were you, Jack. She seems to have an uncanny amount of luck when it comes to things like gambling, and I'm speaking from personal experience."
"Speaking of said bets, you still haven't paid up yet – for any of 'em." Rose piped up as Jack shook on it regardless of the warning he had just received.
The Doctor simply averted Rose's gaze and coughed before saying: "Yes, well, erm, I will get around to that. Now, back to what I was going to say, the one jelly baby that would be the cream of the crop is the banana one. Bananas are good, no matter what!" With that, a rare, manic grin spread across his face.
"Ha – told ya! When it comes to the Doctor 'n food, ya can never go wrong with bananas." The blonde crowed in triumph.
Jack groaned and hung his head in defeat as he resentfully pulled a five podund note from his wallet and handed it to the girl sitting in the captain's chair, which was promptly accepted. The Doctor chuckled.
"He's obviously daft. The banana jelly baby is terrible… I still say 'Juicy Pear is the best…" Jack grumbled to himself, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away, leaning against the railing that was to the right of the blonde girl.
"Me – daft? If I were daft, I would've said that pears were the best thing in the Universe and that 'juicy pear' jelly-babies were in close second!"
"Oh geez – here we go again," Jack muttered. The Captain pushed himself away from the paling so that he was standing up-right and glared at the Doctor. "What part of 'just because you don't like them doesn't mean that they are the bane of all existence' don't you understand? Yea, I like pears and pear-flavoured jelly-babies –what of it? Rose likes pears, and yet I don't see you making a huge fuss about it."
"I can live with the fact that you both like the fruit, but to say that you like pear-flavoured Jelly-babies is a sin and to say that the banana jelly-baby is terrible is blasphemy!" The Doctor roared. The expression on his face clearly showed that the ancient alien was furious.
"So Jelly-Babies are a religion now? And you're what – the Pope of the Jelly-Babies? Who elected you to decide what is sacred and what is sacrilege, huh? Who's to say that you're not the one committing heresy by declaring the banana jelly-baby to be the best, eh?" Jack challenged heatedly, advancing a step so that there was only an inch separating him from the Doctor.
"OI – the fact that I'm over 900 years-old should be reason enough!" The Doctor shot back hotly.
Upon hearing the Doctor's retort, Rose snorted with a wide grin on her face. Both Jack and the Doctor shot her dirty looks and said simultaneously that there was to be no comments from the peanut gallery. Rose looked at them wide eyed for a moment, then shrugged and leaned back into the captain's chair. The two men then proceeded to glare at each other, the Doctor's features cool and masked whilst Jack's features were red and livid. Rose would later swear that if looks could kill, Jack would've been dead from frostbite and the Doctor would have had to regenerate from being burned to death.
"Banana jelly-babies taste like banana flavoured medicine – how can you bloody stand it?"
"I dunno – how in Rassilon's name can you even stomach those ghastly pear ones?"
"Not my fault if I find they taste better, which they do."
"They do not!" The Doctor boomed.
"Do to!" The ex-Time Agent shot back mere moments after the Doctor.
"Do NOT!" The Doctor decried petulantly, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Do TO!" Jack's face – which was already crimson with rage – became an even deeper shade of red.
"DO NOT -"
"- DO TO -"
"-DO NOT-"
The Doctor's tone rose higher with each protest, but as did Jack's. It was not long before the friendly discussion had turned into a full-out yelling match. As Rose surveyed this rather childish display with growing hilarity and incredulity, her head snapping to and fro like a ping pong ball as it followed the row going on between the men, the London girl struggled to contain her giddiness. When Jack had begun to stamp his foot and the Doctor began to threaten the Captain with being thrown out, Rose could not contain herself any longer. She burst out into a fit of laughter and giggles, so hard that she had tears running from her eyes.
"WHAT?" The two men snapped in chorus, both eyeing the blonde girl with contempt.
Rose attempted to regain her composure, but failed as she burst into another fit of chortles and guffaws.
"WHAT ON EARTH IS SO DARN FUNNY, ROSE?" The two said in sync yet again.
This time, Rose was able to compose herself to a degree where she could at least respond coherently. In between gasps and giggles, she answered. "You two seriously have to ask?"
"YES!" Came the exasperated reply.
"It's YOU, boys. Your argument and behaviour are absolutely absurd, and so EXTREMELY juvenile that it's hilarious." She burst into a small fit of laughs again.
"We weren't being juvenile!" The Doctor countered defensively.
Rose merely cocked an eye-brow at him.
"What! We weren't!"
"Oh, really - then the stamping of feet," with that remark she looked at the Captain Harkness, who averted her gaze and turned red, not because of anger, but embarrassment, "the childish threats," at that point she looked at the Doctor, whose look of anger also disappeared only to be replaced by a sheepish one. And while his cheeks did not flush as Jack's had, the tips of his large ears had very suddenly gone a very bright pink. Rose continued in the same amused tone she had begun her lecture in, this time looking at both of them, "the childish argument of 'do not/do to', the glaring, the bellowing, the need to be right instead of agreeing to disagree - do you mean to say that all of these actions are ones to be expected of a 900-year-old Time Lord and an ex-Time Agent?"
Both men stood in front of the grinning blonde abashed, unable to look at her or each other, looking at the grated floor of the TARDIS. They felt like little school boys that had been reprimanded by their school teacher because they had been caught doing something naughty. Both of them mumbled "no."
"I didn't think so." Rose said in the same diverted tone of voice.
Jack and the Doctor both looked at each other shamefacedly. As the Doctor replayed the recent argument in his head, he could understand why Rose had found them so amusing, for they really had been rather silly. A small smile cracked on his face, which turned into a full grin, which then became laughter. Jack, who had done the same thing, soon joined him and Rose joined in.
The three of them laughed at their foolishness for a good while. When the mirth had died down, the Doctor wiped a tear from his eye and headed towards the console, where he began to push buttons and pull levers. Both Jack and Rose sat on the Captain's chair wheezing and desperately tried to catch their breaths.
The Doctor looked at his friends, smiled and said, "Right, where to next?"
And with a pull of a lever and the flick of a switch, the TARDIS and her passengers were off into the Vortex and on their way to a brand new place, or maybe an old place, where adventure would be waiting.
Thus ended what would later be known as 'the Great Debate'.
*Finis*