A/N: I'm sorry this fic is coming so late. I hope you guys all had a great Christmas. Happy New Year!
Thank you for clicking on this story. Please read it and tell me what you think. This fic contains references to God, Jesus, prayers, etc. It is a very strong personal belief that I have and I wished to write a story including that so this fic was born. Constructive criticism is very welcome. God bless!
"Guys! I finally did it!"
A small green blur rushed into the common room causing the occupants to sit up in varying degrees of surprise. Pidge stood there, looking flushed and excited with a broad grin on her face.
"Did what?", Shiro asked curiously.
"Well seeing as we lost track of time back on earth, I did some calculations and I figured that since the speed of-"
"Pidge! Please just cut the science blabber and get to the point?", Lance said, exasperated. Pidge huffed in annoyance.
"Ugh! Alright! I figured out the present date on earth! Now we can keep track of time on earth. And just look at what the date is today!"
She excitedly turned around her laptop so that her teammates could see and soon, all of them were crowded around her, staring at the screen.
"It's Christmas Eve?!", Hunk exclaimed, feeling a mixture of both joy and sadness. It would be his first Christmas away from his family. Come to think of it, it would be everyone's first Christmas away.
"We've been away that long, huh?", Lance said, his tone sad. There was a short silence and Allura and Coran, sensing the suddenly sombre mood, refrained from saying anything at that moment. Shiro broke the silence when it became too oppressing.
"Come on guys. How about we make the best of this situation? I know we miss our families, but we're all here now and it's Christmas. It'll be our first Christmas together."
Everyone, though still upset, agreed. There was no point crying over it. They all knew why they were in space and that it was keeping their families safe.
"So what can we do for tomorrow?", Pidge asked, trying to cheer everyone up. That was enough for everyone to start up a conversation, suggesting decorations and food and Allura and Coran finally asked what Christmas was. Lance animatedly began to explain and soon everyone was in a good mood, forgetting the dark cloud that only recently hung over them.
Keith sat a little away from the group, not enough to be glaringly obvious, but not as close as the others were to each other. They were all so happy, sharing their fondest Christmas memories and family traditions. He didn't really have anything to add to this particular conversation. He didn't want to destroy the mood though, so while the others were occupied, he did what he had learned to do so well before, he disappeared right out the door.
No one noticed him go.
Keith walked slowly down the castle corridors. The others didn't need him and his bad attitude around them right now. Christmas was a happy time spent with people you love. Clearly, he didn't fit in there. But Shiro, Shiro was different. Shiro loved him, he was his little brother. The logical part of his mind that looked at facts and proof knew that, but the tiny part of his mind, the one that housed a lonely, abandoned little boy, was always scared that it was a lie.
Regardless, he wanted more than anything for his brother and his teammates to be happy. So he left, taking with him what he felt was negative energy, far away from them. He didn't want to be a burden, the spoilsport, the one who caused a happy atmosphere to disappear.
Why are you even here?! You ruin everything!
He stopped and closed his eyes as he remembered with painful clarity the words a frustrated teenager, his foster brother from one of the many homes he'd lived in, spit the words at him one Christmas. He'd stood there, trembling, a tiny 7-year old child, newly orphaned with fresh tears slipping down his face.
The older boy's face had shown remorse immediately after he'd said the words and he had knelt down, gathering the smaller boy to his chest, apologising over and over again as the child cried. He had then gently wiped away the tears and ruffled his hair before picking him up and placing him in his hip, taking him to the park and treating him to an ice cream cone with the promise not to tell his parents about the forbidden treat.
Over the years in the care system, with numerous families, he had heard the same words a hundred times over, with the boy, Simon being the only one to not really mean the words. He wondered where Simon was now, if he was happy. He hoped he was. The older boy was one of the only people he'd been with in foster care who was genuinely nice to him, even if his anger had gotten the best of him that day. Keith knew he wasn't a bad person. He'd made a little boy's life a little happier for a short period of time and for that, Keith was extremely grateful.
Merry Christmas Simon, wherever you are.
He was in Red's hangar now, sitting in front of the massive robotic lion. The lion was huge to him but she the smallest one of the pack. Suits me, Keith thought ruefully. He was so big in personality and temper to the others but inside, to himself, he knew what he was, a scared, weak person, so afraid of being abandoned.
"Hey there kitty.", he said, affection seeping into his voice.
My paladin, he felt the words more than heard them.
What makes you so sad, little one?
Keith smiled, an equal amount of nostalgia and sadness arising in him as he thought again about the festive season.
"It's a happy time on earth right now Red. It's a festival called Christmas. We spend it with family and friends."
So why aren't you with your family, paladin?
"They're… they're not my family. Not really anyway. Besides, I... umm, I don't want to be a bother Red. I mean... they... they don't really need me."
They care about you. They love you.
"I... I know."
Do you?
"..."
They do. Don't push them away now.
"It's just that... well…"
Go on.
"They have families back on earth. People who care about them. Me... There's nothing there for me anymore Red. I have nothing left to go back to."
His voice cracked, tears threatening, but he couldn't, wouldn't cry.
Little one…
He nearly cracked then at the concern he heard through their bond.
"I'm okay Red. I... I just couldn't sit there and listen anymore. They were talking about family and memories and I didn't have anything to say. I couldn't sit there anymore. I know it's selfish. I know it makes them happy, makes it easier for them to cope. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't even do that for them. I'm a horrible person. I can't see someone else be happy when I'm not. I'm just selfish."
His lion said nothing, even as waves of comfort flowed through their bond. Then in a small, small voice...
"I-I miss my dad."
He sounded like a child then, innocent, scared and lonely. A tear slipped out of his eye, sliding down his cheek and dripping off of his face. He was still looking down, sniffling, successfully stopping more tears from emerging when he felt a gentle nudge on his bowed head. Looking up, he was surprised to see his lion bending protectively over him, gently nuzzling his head. For such a massive creature, the gentleness of her actions towards the tiny being in front of her was astounding. He smiled up at the lion, reaching out his hands to run over the smooth metal in gratitude. His lion waited patiently, silently encouraging him to get it all off his chest.
"We had our own Kogane family Christmas traditions you know.", he finally said, the bittersweet memories arising afresh in his mind.
"I don't remember my mom. But dad was always there. He used to dress me up in my best clothes. Then he used to take my hand and we'd walk to the church down the road. We'd listen to the carols and the pastor spoke of the first Christmas. And on Christmas day, we watched movies, ate all the junk dad wouldn't usually let me eat and he'd tell me the Christmas story again. He told me about how God loved us and how he came down to us as a man. And he always had this one little thing he'd tell me every year…", he stopped short, remembering.
Kiddo, you know what I just told you? Don't ever forget. Even when you're an old geezer like me, remember the real reason we celebrate Christmas. It's about the little baby who came to save us. It's about love, the love God gave us in sending His son to us. And we need to show that love to others. Wherever you are, God is never far away. And He will listen to you. He answers prayers. Whatever Christmas becomes to the rest of the world, promise me you won't let it change for you. Always remember the real reason. And when you have babies of your own, babies that you'll love just as much as I love you…tell them too.
He never forgot those words, but he'd stopped believing in them. God had never answered his prayer to bring his dad back nor had He answered his prayer for a family. He wondered why for a long time before deciding that this was one thing his dad had gotten wrong. If God was always there, why wasn't He there for him?
So lost in his thoughts, he didn't even hear the footsteps nearing him and the owner sitting down beside him till warm arms were wound around him. He looked up, his head snapping towards the person. Hunk sat there, looking at him with sadness but not pity. He tugged the smaller boy closer to him and Keith was too surprised to fight it.
"What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same."
"I didn't have a useful contribution to make."
Hunk looked so, so sad then and Keith immediately regretted what he said, although he didn't understand why Hunk reacted that way.
"Do you really think that matters to us? We just wanted you there.'
Why would anyone want me around?
Hunk's horrified expression and tightened hold clued him into the realisation that he'd said that out loud. He tried to pull away but Hunk didn't let go, the grip firm but gentle. He turned the younger boy towards him, getting his attention.
"Why would you think that Keith? Did someone tell you that?"
He sounded angry and Keith said nothing, looking away from his friend. Just as Hunk was about to question him further… "Who?", came the single word from a new voice. Both boys turned towards the voice and saw Shiro and the others standing there.
"Who said that to you Keith?", Shiro asked again, walking over to them and kneeling down. Hunk let go of Keith but didn't move away. Lance and Pidge came over too, sitting down around them.
"Nobody."
"That's a lie.", Lance said matter-of-factly.
He glared at the taller boy now, almost angry but not quite. A small hand landed on his shoulder and Pidge's soft voice came pleadingly.
"What's wrong Keith? Why won't you talk to us?"
He knew it was wrong but he couldn't quite help it as his high-strung emotions exploded, pushing him up to his feet and moving several feet away from his teammates. He felt Red trying to comfort him, but shrugged off the sympathy and concern.
"Why?! Why? Because no one wants this…", gesturing to himself, "…to rain on the party. No one wants to listen Pidge! And I don't want to tell you either! Why don't you guys get the memo?"
In the silence that followed, his shoulders slumped, all the fight leaving him as suddenly as it came. He turned away, not wanting to see the justified annoyed, angry reactions to his outburst. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lance stand up and he hunched his shoulders defensively, debating whether it would be worth making a break for his room.
"Keith… come on, man…"
"Go away… please just… just leave me alone…" Just like everyone always does.
"I didn't want this."
His voice was almost a whisper, his tightening throat almost cutting off his voice completely.
"Didn't want what buddy?", Shiro's voice, infinitely patient as it was, made him want to scream. It was ironic, wasn't it, that someone who craved kindness so desperately, who longed for something other than hate and angry words couldn't handle the same kindness right now. The same compassion and love he'd dreamed of was here, right there in front of him but it was killing him, eating him up and consuming him.
You don't deserve love! Who could love that?
Dad could. Dad did. But maybe he was the only one. Keith suddenly wished he was on an isolated planet now, all alone so that he could scream and cry, somewhere no one could see him. When circumstances force you to learn how to suffer alone, in silence, you cannot find yourself to do it any other way. And suffer alone he did, he had been doing so for years now. He was almost weaned of it when he met Shiro but Kerberos ruined it, locking away his bleeding heart even more securely than before.
"Keith. Didn't want what?", it was Pidge this time, repeating Shiro's question.
"…ruin it."
"What?"
Hunk sounded like he was going to cry and Keith didn't want that. He'd already messed up.
"I… I didn't want to ruin it. You were all so h-happy. I didn't want to ruin Christmas for you. I ruin…I ruin everything."
He got no reply and he thought that they'd left, like they should've long back but then suddenly, Shiro was in front of him, his eyes shining as he reached out and pulled the younger boy to his chest. He stood still, his hands dangling at his side when another pair of arms, long and tanned wrapped themselves around his thin shoulders from behind. Lance. He had his face pressed into Keith's shoulder. Soon, Pidge and Hunk were there as well, hugging him from the sides.
"Why would you say that?', Lance asked as he raised his head, angry tears choking his voice.
"Because it's true. You…You've all said it at one point."
And he really didn't mean to make them cry at that, but they did, crying harder and squeezing him tightly in their midst. His vision was blurring now, the forms of his teammates becoming distorted blobs of colour that danced and weaved around. He didn't know why till someone was swiping their palm over his cheeks gently, wiping away tears he'd been unaware of shedding up till this point. He really had done it. He messed up.
You ruin everything! Can't you do anything right?!
"S-sorry. I'm sorry. I'm s-so sorry.", his face was pushed up against Shiro's collarbone at this point, as he cried out apologies over and over again.
"Stop. It's not…it's not your fault." Pidge.
"You didn't ruin anything." Hunk.
"Don't say that. It's not true." Shiro.
"We'll always want you around you idiot." Lance.
And Keith couldn't bring himself to do anything other than simply cry.
He sat up suddenly, eyes wide as he looked around the room. He was… in his own room? He quickly remembered what had happened in Red's hangar and groaned. Deciding he didn't want to know who had carried him back to his room, he sat up, the blankets pooling around his waist. He reluctantly got up, walking out of his room and towards the lounge. He hesitated outside the room, hearing quiet voices speaking in hushed tones inside.
"I'll get him.", he heard Shiro say. Before he could fully comprehend the statement, Shiro had walked of the room and seen him.
"Oh good, you're up. I was just about to come get you."
He led the younger boy into the room, not mentioning what had happened before for which Keith was thankful. His eyed widened in surprise as he saw all the makeshift decorations around the room. The paladins had even somehow managed to get a tree and set it up in the corner of the room. His attention was drawn to Shiro again as the arm around his shoulders tightened.
"We're here for you Keith. And you didn't ruin anything. It's Christmas. We can make good memories now, can't we?"
Keith smiled slightly, nodding, before the others came over, pulling him over to the middle of their group, making sure to distract him from any dark thoughts.
Hours later, as Keith lay in the middle of the group of paladins as they watched with lidded eyes one of the many Christmas classics, he realised, he had a family… like he'd had dad. They couldn't replace him but they loved Keith and he realised that he loved them too. So much. It seemed that his prayer was answered after all. Even if God was late by our standards, He's still on time. I guess, wherever you are, on earth or a million lightyears away from home, you're never too far away for God and His love.
A/N: I'm not very happy with the ending. I'm sorry if it's abrupt and not up to the mark. I wasn't really sure how to end it. But thank you for reading! Please leave a review!