Emotionless:
Sephy:
Hey dad
I'm writing to you
Not to tell you
That I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
I sat down on my bed. Callie was sleeping silently in her cot at the end. I had a pad of paper on my lap as I said cross-legged. The pen in my hand was wanted me to write, my mind wanted me to write. I needed to write this. So I started.
"Dear Dad,
I've been thinking about us a lot recently. You and Callum have occupied most of my thoughts since Callie Rose's birth. Not that you'd care about Callum. Or Callie for that matter. Do you care, Dad? Do you care that your granddaughter has bright blue eyes? And looks like me but a lot like Callum at the same time. I know you too well though, so I know you don't care. You really couldn't care less because to you Callie Rose is just a blanker's daughter. But she isn't Dad, she really isn't. She's my daughter, she's Callum's daughter, and she's herself. And she's beautiful. She really is.
Are you happy out there
In this great wide world
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we're alright
But we're alright
We're alright
Do you know what I think about most when I think about you? I think about how you are, what you're doing, who's live you're destroying now. And how we fell apart. I used to be Daddy's-Little-Girl through and through. Whenever you were away, I wished you were home. I couldn't wait to see you. Dad, you were my everything. How stupid was I? Stupid enough to think you actually cared about me, Minerva, and Mother. Stupid enough to think you loved me like I loved you. Stupid enough to think you cared about anything other than your stupid job. But I learnt though. I grew up quickly mostly because of you. I'm glad I'm not a stupid little Daddy's Girl any more. You aren't worth it
What I would really want to know is how do you live with yourself? How can you cope with Callum's blood on your hands? How can you cope with the blood of so many noughts on your hand? How do you cope knowing you're the one who destroyed my life? You're the reason Callie Rose will never know her Dad. It's all because of you.
No wait. I know the answer to all of those questions. You don't care, you're heart is so black and cold that you really don't care. Nothing matter to you apart from yourself. You're that selfish.
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years
Learning how to survive
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive
You ruined my life. I know you know that and I know you don't care, but I'm going to tell you this anyway. I loved Callum with all my heart. I loved him more than I realised it was possible to love someone. He was my best friend for my whole life, he was the one who was always there when you were away and Mother was drunk. He was the one who understood and cared. He made mistakes, Dad, but if everyone was killed for, every mistake they made you would've been killed a hundred times by now. No one's perfect and I'm not going to say Callum was. But I loved him and you killed him. I will never forgive you for that. Without Callum, I don't have anyone who understands me. I don't have anyone who will tell me in a cruel-but-kind way the truth about myself both good and bad. Without Callum, I truly don't have anyone. And without Callum, I am all Callie Rose has as a parent. A scared girl. Callum would've been the best Dad imaginable, he would've been great and you destroyed that. You destroyed me.
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There's things I'll take
To my grave
But I'm ok
I'm ok
I'm not going to let you ruin my life. It's too late for the past to be undone. I'll never get Callum back; he's gone forever because of you. But I won't…I won't let you continue to ruin my life. I'll make sure my Callie knows everything about Callum every last detail. What he looks like, how he acted, what he loved and what he hated. And when she's old enough I'll tell you how he died so she'll hate you as much as I do.
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive
And I'm still alive
I'll be all right. I am determined to be all right. I miss Callum with all my heart, every part of me misses him, and it hurts so much when I think about him, but I'll be all right. I won't let you completely ruin my life, I wouldn't want to give you that satisfaction."
Sometimes I forget
Yeah, and this time
I'll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you
I paused from writing for a millisecond and sighed. I left a few lines blank, a few tears rolled down my face as I continued
"Daddy, how did we get like this? How did you go from being my hero to the man I detest? What happened? When did you become so evil? When did you change? Or maybe you didn't, maybe I just woke up to you. I don't know. Probably the latter, you were probably always like this and I just realised.
Sometimes I think I miss you. Sometimes I think back to how it used to be when you called 'Princess' and I came running with a huge smile and I miss that like mad. But I realise, I don't miss you at all, Dad, I miss the man I always thought you were. I miss the Daddy I had in my mind, the Daddy I waited home for, but that isn't you. I know that now, that never was you.
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive
If you were the man I thought you were, Dad, you would still be my hero. You'd be someone worth looking up to. Someone who deserves their family's love. But you aren't and I'll never forgive you for what you've don't to me. I loved you, but now I hate you. I'll always hate you. Just remember that.
Persephone Hadley"
And sometimes I forget
This time I'll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad
As soon as I had finished writing the letter, I ripped it out of the pad and tore it into little pieces. I would never be able to send it to him, I was too much of a coward. I meant every word of what I wrote though. I would never forgive him. I never would.