Namine has traversed her younger years with her nose in a book, her mind spinning with stories. She grows older, prettier, a little more filled out in all the right places. Starts looking at boys, and wondering what they're thinking, what they think of her. But she's shy, quiet, almost invisible. Boys notice her, but don't approach her. She finds solace in her books, books that evolve as she grows older. Books that show men loving women and vice versa. How they confess their love and steal kisses. Lingering touches and shy exploration. Sometimes it's passionate right from the get go, and so they share lust and powerful feelings and touching that's rough in a pleasurable way. Books that show love, show sex, as something wonderful and cherished. Something warm and intimate. It means something. Everything she knows about sex and romance, she's learned from a book.
She's pretty and sweet, her laugh like a butterfly's wings, but for some reason boys don't really pay attention to her. They're too busy flirting with Kairi. Kairi's her best friend, so she doesn't begrudge her the attention. Doesn't mind that the boys tease and touch her, that Kairi giggles and looks up at them through fluttering eyelashes. She has her books to keep her company after all; her stories to fulfill her deep ache for love.
More time passes and Namine doesn't read as much. She writes now, she writes her own romances. She's read so many and learned so much that she's convinced she understands it all; has the formula down. But love and lust are feelings, and she realizes she can't learn feelings and impulses from books, not really. But that's okay, because for now it is enough. Her writing, reusing all the tricks and phrases she's learned, satiates her burn to be touched and wanted. She writes and she's not so lonely anymore.
Kairi is still there when they go off to college. Her best friend, still around and still gathering all the boy's attention like she's collecting fireflies in a jar. She pushes her chest out more than she used to, bends over more often, begins to wink and lick her lips instead of smiling coyly like she used to. Namine notices this just as much as anyone; she notices and studies it. Because how else can she write when she doesn't have her own experience to draw from? She can't. That's the point, so she takes from Kairi, learns her secrets. But as time rolls on she's watching more and taking notes less. She's watching the tilt of those hips and imagines the softness of those fingertips.
She used to like a boy named Sora, back in high school. He was kind and thoughtful, and he had a bright smile, one that dazzled as much as his eyes did. She really liked him, but he never returned the sentiment. She feels that way now about Kairi. It's strange though, she has this feeling that she didn't put those thoughts there. That she'd never seriously thought about girls like that until Kairi began noticing that she was watching. She begun directing winks and teasing touches towards her just as equally as to the other boys. Everyone else saw it as affection between two who'd been friends for so long, but Namine couldn't help but feel something stronger, something that pulled at her as if it was saying, look at me, look at me and want me, and I'll want you back. Kairi began smiling those dangerous smiles and touching her like she wanted the feeling of their skin together to linger. It began just like Namine's stories.
"You're pretty," Kairi says to her now, every once and a while. She's said that since forever, but this time it's different, it means something different. Namine isn't sure what she should be doing, but she's curious and she's tired of being ignored, she just wants some attention, some affection. "If I was a boy," Kairi teases so often, "I'd definitely fall in love with you." But now Namine is certain that Kairi's gender isn't really an issue, not anymore. Because very quickly Namine realizes that Kairi is bi, hungry for attention and that same feeling of want. And she doesn't mind, she's always been open-minded about that stuff. She'd never questioned her own sexuality, because it was never an issue, it had never come up. But here…here Namine has a strong feeling that she could finally get that chance, that chance to experience and explore, to figure it all out.
Kairi's got a boyfriend actually; his name's Seifer. They've been going out for a while, so of course he knows. He knows that she tends to swing both ways if it satisfies her. He knows and he's okay with it. He can be kind of a jerk to most people, but he's not so bad, he's usually nice to Namine. But lately he's been touching her hair and telling her that's she's pretty. Telling her how pretty she is while grinning at Kairi. Are they in this strange thing together? Seifer must be nice to her because Kairi has always talked her up, told him how much Namine means to her; and lately she's been talking more and more about her to him. It's strange, but for some reason he doesn't mind. Just leers and listens.
Kairi flat out tells her she's bi one day in her dorm, tells her about a girl named Yuffie that she'd fooled around with during their junior year of high school, even though they both know that Namine knows. She's just testing the waters for something different than simple acceptance, she's waiting for a reacting, gauging her response for something else. Something Namine knows but is too shy to broach on her own. Kairi brings it up a few more times, starts dropping hints, smiling in that sweet way and touching her teasingly –a poke here, a tickle there, but nothing too much. Not yet.
During their second semester of their first year of college they manage to get a dorm together, with another girl named Olette. Olette is giggly and sweet, but still responsible. Olette knows about Kairi, but keeps to herself and doesn't ask questions; she doesn't mind, so why should she pursue talking about it? It's not a big deal. But for Namine it is, because she's never done anything before, hasn't been with anyone, hasn't even really been hit on. She's shy and wary of Kairi's advances, but goes along because she's so damn curious.
She doesn't realize until months after the fact, that Kairi was trying to make Namine come to her, rather than the other way around. She wanted to make sure she didn't scare her off. It's not that she was acting like some villain, or trying to take selfish advantage, she was just going for what she wanted. Because Kairi is a simple girl, one moved by the whims of feelings; she doesn't think about things as deeply as Namine does, so there's no way she actually thought about it, about what it would mean for Namine. Regardless, the empty teases and looks get to Namine. She grows impatient, bold with her curiosity. She begins propositioning back, quietly at first, growing more forward as time continues and Kairi continues to show an interest.
"You're just my type," Kairi says. She's smiling, but there isn't any hint of teasing anymore. She means it, wants Namine to know she means it. It isn't until one late night when Olette is fast asleep that things begin. They'd been tentatively planning it all day, and Namine is more nervous than she expected now that the time is here. But she tries to take a deep breath and knows she'd hate it if she missed out on a chance like this. She readies herself and feelings Kairi slip into her bed behind her, feels those creeping fingers softly trance shapes into her back. She rolls over and Kairi meets her gaze in the moonlight, her eyes hungry. The look makes Namine wonder how long Kairi has wanted this.
She's read tons of books; her lack of experience is made up in the fact that she knows how this is supposed to work, so she can't mess up too badly. But suddenly Kairi moves and Namine is confused. Because Kairi is grinning very much like a wolf as she slides a hand across her stomach, easily pushing up and reaching her breasts. Touching, kneading, and Namine is confused, because things are happening out of order. It's this intense worry for how things are supposed to be done, how they always happen in books, that keeps her from enjoying it. She puts on the right face, but her hearts not in it, because Kairi is just watching her, with that shark-like smile, looking down on her expectantly and touching her. She gives a little gasp, because she knows she's supposed to, but deep down she's uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in the fact that Kairi has not kissed her, that Kairi won't stop watching her. She hates being watched, hates that pressure. But Kairi doesn't stop until she has to, as she begins to suck her, swirling her tongue and Namine is disappointed to find that she doesn't really feel anything, that it feels nothing like her books described it. Maybe it's because she's too nervous and not really aroused –she hopes to god it's because of that, otherwise she's been waiting for something that isn't as great as people say.
Namine is thankful when she finally stops that –she feels weird continuously faking noises and shudders, it makes her feel dirty- but then Kairi just moves her hand downward, down to the waistband of her sleep pants, and she doesn't even have the decency to draw it out, to give a little foreplay for fun and sensation. She doesn't really touch any other bits of skin, doesn't scratch lightly with her nails, or tease her by touching everywhere around the main attraction. She just watches Namine and slips her hand down her pants, pushing her way into her underwear, grinning like a predator. Namine is beyond confused and is reacting mechanically.
This is all out of order, it's not supposed to go this way.
She doesn't like that, and so she finally takes it into her own hands a little. She puts on that face, the innocent one where her eyes are too trusting and she bites plump lips, a soft blush staining her skin. She puts on this mask and leans up, silently pleading for a kiss. Kairi obliges eagerly, and for a moment Namine feels a spark of the passion that is customary during things like this. A few open mouth kisses and some real panting; Namine decides she likes this part best.
But it seems that Kairi doesn't like that part much, because all to soon she pulls back to continue watching Namine with that unnerving gaze. She can't enjoy this while being watched so closely, but she doesn't know how to tell her. So she doesn't. Kairi's got her fingers inside her and again she's reacting how she knows she's supposed to act, how Kairi wants her to act. She hates it. She leans closer and receives a few more kisses, but not enough to satiate her. She tries to move, tighten around Kairi to make it feel better for herself, but Kairi misunderstands and takes it as reaction to something else. Something that makes her stop touching, thinking Namine is satisfied and finished. But she's not, had barely gotten started. But she's nervous and a little embarrassed and doesn't know what to say to make her keep going –that little bit was at least better than nothing.
Kairi is still watching her, but it's a little different now. She's watching with expectations, pulling her tank top aside so Namine has easy access to her breasts. She goes with it, because she doesn't know what else to do. She touches her like she remembers from her books, using every trick and tip she can remember, and it's not as fun when it feels like a test in school. Where she's not doing it because she wants to, but because Kairi expects it and Namine feels like she's following a checklist. She tries to talk dirty a little, to work herself up, but it only makes her feel silly, so she stops that almost as soon as she starts. She lets Kairi move her hand a few times; going exactly where she wants, and does all the things she's learned. She keeps going even when Kairi begins to squirm, tightening every muscle in her body, because she knows what that means and keeps going, not stopping like Kairi did. She keeps going because for some strange reason Namine feels like if she can make Kairi enjoy it, she won't….she doesn't really know why. Maybe it's a pride thing, knowing she can do these things despite no experience, maybe it's to bury the guilt before it has a change to bubble to the surface under the sunlight of the day. Things are less shameful in the dark, Namine has found; and she hates it, but she catalogues that piece of information for future writing.
She helps Kairi finish, even though Kairi won't kiss her, even though Kairi won't hold her as she's overtaken by pleasure. Kairi makes a satisfied purring sort of sound when she's caught her breath. Namine tries to smile at her when she looks over, and her grin widens, but that's it. She picks up her cell and rolls over, texting someone, the light of the screen glowing harshly through their darkness. She pretends to be comfortable with what all happened and leans on the dip of Kairi's side, reading the text over her shoulder. She's texting Seifer, Seifer thinks it's hot, he's asking for details about what they did. Kairi tells him, she tells him with lewd speech and vulgar words. Namine goes back to her side of the bed and turns over, squeezing her eyes shut and willing herself to fall asleep.
The next couple of days she tries to act like everything is normal, like it's no big deal. She'd always been good at acting, so she's pretty confident that Kairi doesn't suspect a thing. She doesn't really know what to do though. It takes two weeks to stop feeling ashamed and disgusted with herself. Not because it was another girl, but because it was Kairi -the one she'd trusted, but obviously didn't really care. Just wanted to look at someone with a nice face and satisfy herself. She tries not to blame her for being selfish, that not all girls will be like that; it doesn't always work, but it's getting better with time. She's still no closer to understand herself, to figuring out what she wants or likes.
Namine stops reading most romance novels. They're mostly trash, mostly lies about what the world is really like. They make her remember and cringe.