HeÕd left me. Standing in the snow under the blazing aurora. alone, utterly alone. My d¾mon leapt into my arms, a stricken expression on his dolorous face. he looked sadly at his paws, which held a tiny lock of StelmariaÕs silky silver coat. An icy tear rolled down my face as he rubbed it against my cheek, calling forth sweet, but oh how bitter, memories. The day IÕd first met Asriel, the impressive Lord, how heÕd no hesitation loving me, even thought IÕd married that other fool of a man for money power, when he protected Lyra the newest love of my life on that fateful day when my husband had realized that she wasnÕt his, the guardian, my protector. And most of all, the day I had first touched Stelmaria, run my hand down her satiny side, had tamed the wild side of my Asriel.
No, I thought bitterly, IÕd never tamed him, heÕd never truly been mine. It was a lie, even then. A lie, like the rest of my life. First my Lyra, then my Asriel destroying the tangled web of deception and lies that kept me safe. How could he leave me with nothing, not even those? ÒI hate him!Ó I yelled to the bleak horizon. ÒI hate you Asriel!Ó I screamed at the corpse of the severed child. ÒI-Ó ÒMarisa! Marisa!Ó my d¾mon looked up at me with gleaming amber eyes. ÒYou love him.Ó Great racking sobs, forced there way out of my throat as I collapsed into the snow, still clutching my d¾mon close to my breast.
He was right, that other part of me, my tortured heart realized, too right. My world was torn away, as certainly as if IÕd walked through the window with him. IÕd entered another world too, a world of truth, oh not to others, but to myself there would be no more lying, no safe haven for me, no respite from the harsh and awful truth of what I had done and failed to do as a mother, lover and friend to all I had none. And to think that my world, my world of lies had been severed from me, forever, by one who neither knew or cared.
No, I thought bitterly, IÕd never tamed him, heÕd never truly been mine. It was a lie, even then. A lie, like the rest of my life. First my Lyra, then my Asriel destroying the tangled web of deception and lies that kept me safe. How could he leave me with nothing, not even those? ÒI hate him!Ó I yelled to the bleak horizon. ÒI hate you Asriel!Ó I screamed at the corpse of the severed child. ÒI-Ó ÒMarisa! Marisa!Ó my d¾mon looked up at me with gleaming amber eyes. ÒYou love him.Ó Great racking sobs, forced there way out of my throat as I collapsed into the snow, still clutching my d¾mon close to my breast.
He was right, that other part of me, my tortured heart realized, too right. My world was torn away, as certainly as if IÕd walked through the window with him. IÕd entered another world too, a world of truth, oh not to others, but to myself there would be no more lying, no safe haven for me, no respite from the harsh and awful truth of what I had done and failed to do as a mother, lover and friend to all I had none. And to think that my world, my world of lies had been severed from me, forever, by one who neither knew or cared.