Rated T for language. AU high school. Oneshot. No pairings. I think that's all you really need to know. ^^
This story turned out so much longer than I planned... But it's finally finished! It took me way too long, too! I suppose because I forgot about it at one point, and because I didn't have time to really write for a while because of school. It's finally done now! I enjoyed writing it, so I hope you will enjoy reading it. It's my first attempt at pure humour. Usually I have it coupled with some other genre. Please tell me if I did it well. Tell me if screwed up too, but be sure to tell me why if you think it's bad.
Dedication: I dedicate this story to Max, who is a friend of mine on a certain forum (I don't think he has an account here, though). If I hadn't had him waiting for this fic, then I probably would have given up a long time ago. Or I would have just forgotten it. Oh wait, I did forget it at one point... At least I remembered it again! ^^
Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. That means I don't own most of the characters in this story. I think I do own the storyline, though, since this is an AU and all.
Mathematics
Luffy did not like maths. In fact, he detested it. It was so boring, the raven-haired boy tended to fall asleep almost immediately. The teacher's voice was almost hypnotizing. And on the rare occasions Luffy stayed awake, things didn't work out either; all those numbers only gave him a huge headache. After ten minutes he usually gave up and went back to sleep. Nami would let him cheat at tests anyway, so why bother paying attention?
It was Luffy's way to survive mathematics, and it worked perfectly! Usually…
That day, however, was different. The teacher had decided it was time for Monkey D. Luffy to learn something for a change. So when the boy sat down on his usual spot, in the back of the class on the window side, with his friends, and almost immediately fell down asleep with his head in the table, the teacher didn't hesitate. He walked up to him and slammed his hand down on the table, effectively waking the boy up.
"I've had enough of your behaviour!" He said in a loud voice. When Luffy looked at him in a way that showed he didn't understand, the man continued. "I will not tolerate you sleeping through my lessons anymore. If I find you sleeping one more time, you will have detention after school!"
Luffy, however, would gladly pay that price if it meant he could sleep under maths. Detention was served in the library, and their school's librarian, Nico Robin, was awesome! She would tell him stories about pirates and treasures and other really cool stuff. And unlike someone else's, her stories had really happened! Luffy smiled a little as he remembered the last adventure she had told him about. He started imagining how cool it would be to be the main character in one of those stories. As he closed his eyes, his fantasies slowly faded into dreams.
As the rest of the students slowly filled up the class, Luffy drifted off once more. The teacher was about to start the lesson, when he noticed his threat hadn't been taken as serious as he thought it would be.
"Monkey D. Luffy!" The man almost shouted. This gained the attention of all the students, except for one of course. Luffy didn't wake up until the green-haired man next to him elbowed him. "Didn't you hear me earlier?"
"Of course I heard you," the Luffy replied, rubbing his eyes, "I just chose an hour detention over an hour of headaches."
That obviously pushed a wrong button. The anger was very clear in his teacher's voice. "Then I hope your friends think the same. If I see you sleeping one more time, it'll be detention for the rest of the week! For all six of you!"
Luffy looked at his friends to consider this. Next to him sat Zoro. Zoro wouldn't mind that much, but Luffy knew the green-haired man would rather be training. The row behind them had Usopp and Chopper in it. These two loved Robin's stories as well; they probably wouldn't mind that much… The row in front of Luffy was occupied by Nami and Sanji. Nami and Robin were the only girls in their little group, and Sanji was constantly flirting with them. The redhead and the blonde would both get very violent with Luffy if he got them in detention, not to mention that Nami would triple his debt. Luffy sighed.
"Fine, I'll try." His friends knew better than that, though. Luffy couldn't stay awake in math, even if his live depended on it… Only Nami was positive, and she raised one of her hands to ask something, while the other hand was still under her desk.
"Sensei?" Nami asked with a sweet smile. The teacher nodded for her to continue. "Does that mean we won't get detention if Luffy stays awake?"
"As long as he stays awake, none of you will get detention." The teacher said, before turning around, completely missing Nami's smile turn into an evil grin.
"Nami, what was that for?" Luffy whispered.
"Think about what he just said," was the whispered reply.
"As long as this idiot stays awake, none of us will get detention." Sanji repeated. He then chuckled. "Does that mean…"
"So that's why you recorded it," Zoro said, having noticed the mobile phone the redhead held under the desk. Luffy didn't understand, though, and with the teacher's monotonous voice in the background, he wouldn't last much longer. Zoro gave him an elbow in the side. "Stay awake, you!"
"Shall we try it out?" Nami asked no one in particular, before reaching for her bag to grab something. "But first we have to make sure this idiot won't fall asleep… Here!"
Luffy stared at the object Nami held before him, and almost immediately started drooling. "Can I really have it all?" He asked Nami. When she nodded, Luffy didn't hesitate. He loved chocolate almost as much as meat after all, and it wasn't every day someone offered him a huge piece like this. Zoro didn't look quite as happy…
"You… Feeding him this much sugar… You do know what will happen next?"
"Of course I do! It's what I hope will happen." Nami smiled. "Though I am happy you are sitting next to him, and not me!"
"Bitch!" Zoro muttered, earning a kick under the table from Sanji.
What do you think you are doing?" The teacher suddenly said. "Pay attention!"
"But sensei!" Of course, it was Nami who replied in that sweet voice. "We're only trying to keep Luffy awake. That's what you wanted, wasn't it?" 'Try giving an intelligent answer to that!' She added in her mind. The teacher was smart enough not to get challenged, though.
"The bitch's plan is actually working, isn't it?" Zoro grumbled, earning another kick.
"But of course, dear Zoro, whenever I make a plan, it never fails." Nami interrupted her whispers to show a fake sweet smile. "You should know, it's the reason you'll be in my debt for the rest of your life, and your next three lives too."
Zoro cursed. "That's why I don't like women." Unfortunately for him, Luffy, for once in his life, was listening to his grumbling.
"Eh? Zoro doesn't like women?" And unfortunately Luffy was completely unable to keep his voice below 60 decibel too. "So does that mean Zoro likes men better?" Zoro almost choked on his breath when his friend said that. Laughter erupted in the class, with Sanji's snigger being the most distinct of all.
"Yes, Luffy, that's exactly what it means." The blond said.
"Oh." Luffy tilted his head and looked at his green haired friend. "That's okay! I still like Zoro!" And he hugged his friend to illustrate he did. More laughter.
"Luffy! What the hell?!" Zoro shouted as he tried to get to clingy boy to let him go. The teacher coughed, trying to catch the attention again.
"As much as we all enjoyed that, I'd like to continue class now." Luffy let go, and that was the end of that. Or at least it would have been, if it wasn't for Usopp.
"But he didn't deny anything." The long nose whispered. And he whispered it just loud enough for Zoro to hear.
"Usopp." Zoro had turned around in his seat and was now glaring at his long nosed friend. "I am going slice open your stomach, rip out your guts and use them to tie you up so you can't run away. Then I will slowly dislocate all of your joints and what I can't dislocate, I will crush. After that I will use my precious katana and cut you up so no one will recognize you." Usopp had paled more with every word that was said. When Zoro finally stopped talking, the boy let out the breath he had been holding, but he was a little too early to relax. "And when I'm done with that, then I will kill you." Zoro turned back again; leaving a terrified Usopp to deal with how to hide that he pissed his pants.
And he failed miserably, courtesy of Chopper.
"Usopp, why are your pants getting all dark?" He naively asked.
"W-well, uhm, I-I was trying to do magic!" Was the liar's response.
"Magic?" Chopper's eyes practically sparkled, and Luffy too seemed impressed.
"Y-yeah!" Usopp gained confidence with every word he spoke. "I am working on a spell that will change my clothing whenever I want to! I did it just now, and as you can see I am starting to get results!"
"That so-called spell will certainly make you change your clothes, but I doubt it has anything to do with magic." Sanji said, smirking. Luffy, however, ignored him completely.
"Magic!" He was almost bouncing in his seat with excitement. The large amount of sugar he consumed might have had something to do with it too. "That's so awesome!" He seemed to think for a little bit. "But I know something way more awesome!"
"More awesome than magic?" By now little stars had ignited around Chopper's eyes to match the sparkling. Luffy nodded.
"Yeah! It's…" He looked at his orange haired friend and suddenly stopped talking. "Nah, I'll tell you after class. Nami doesn't like it when I'm loud and she always doubles my debt…"
"Don't worry Luffy; you can do anything you like." The girl said with a smile. "I do appreciate you think about others for a change too, though." She added as an afterthought.
"Really anything?" He asked amazed.
"Really anything, but only as long as we're in math, alright?"
"Yeah, yeah." Luffy nodded, his mind busy with all the possibilities. "We could… or we could… I know!" He exclaimed that last part quite loudly.
"You know? That must be a first." The teacher interrupted. "Why don't you come up front and enlighten us all?" Luffy just stared at him blankly. "We were making the derivative of a function, remember?"
For the first time since class started, Luffy actually bothered to take a look at the blackboard. He didn't really like what he saw:
f (x) = 1
f ' (x) = 0
f (x) = x
f ' (x) = 1
f (x) = x²
f ' (x) = 2x
f (x) = x³
f ' (x) = 3x²
f (x) = 2x³ + 6x² - 12x + 5
f ' (x) =
Luffy slowly rose from his seat and made his way to the blackboard. He took the small chalk stick from the teacher and stared at the blackboard for just a bit longer.
"Come on, we don't have all day."
Then a smile lit up the boy's face. He brought up his hand to write something. Every person in the classroom held their breath in anticipation. Did Luffy actually know something about math?
f ' (x) = XXX (1)
And everyone was quiet…
If they had been in a desert, a tumbleweed would have merrily tumbled past them by now…
"What is that supposed to mean?" The teacher asked, desperately trying to keep his calm.
"Well, you used those 'x's a lot, so I figured you'd like this as an answer!" Luffy replied, his eyes wide and innocent, as if he couldn't believe it was not correct. The whole class sighed; Luffy understanding math was too good to be true, after all.
"You. I just explained the rules. Even someone like you should be able to follow some rules! Are you really that stupid?" He was desperate by now. Luffy just grinned as if it was really obvious.
"Pirates don't stick the rules! Not even those of mathematics!"
"…" Like a fish on the dry the teacher could only open his mouth to close it again, no sounds could come out.
"Pirates?" Nami asked after a short silence, because the teacher seemed to be too stunned to reply.
"Yeah! We are pirates!" Luffy shouted enthusiastically.
"We are? Why?" It was Sanji who asked.
"Nami said I could do whatever I wanted…"
"Yes, I know, but why pirates?"
"Oh." Luffy said, before explaining enthusiastically. "You see, I had this dream and it was really cool! We were all in it! I really wanted it to continue, but that idiot woke me up…"
"So?" Sanji said, raising his very curly eyebrow.
"So we're gonna pretend we're still in it!" Luffy shouted.
"And you dreamt about pirates." Zoro stated rather than asked. He received an answer anyway.
"Yeah!"
"Awesome!" Usopp and Chopper exclaimed. Apparently Luffy's enthusiasm was contagious; both had bounced of their seats by now, eager to join the new game.
Meanwhile the teacher had regained his voice and he tried to get the attention once again. "Stop this nonsense at once!" Pity no one could hear him. There was simply too much noise; Luffy was never good at staying silent.
"Pirates! Pirates! Pirates!" He, Usopp and Chopper sang loudly, while doing their odd dance. It didn't matter that Chopper's feet couldn't touch the ground, or that the whole school could probably hear them by now. "Pirates! Pirates! Pirates!"
Nami sighed and stood up from her seat. "Luffy."
"Pirates! Pirates! Pirates!"
"Luffy, don't ignore me."
"Pirates! Pirates! Pirates!"
"Luffy. I know you can hear me, you're not shouting that hard yet."
"Pirates! Pirates! Pirates!"
"Luffy!" This time Nami's shout was accompanied by a hard hit on the head.
"Yes, Nami?" He answered, holding his hand over the painful lump on his head.
"How long were you going to keep shouting? You were giving me a headache!"
"I am very sorry." Luffy said with a small bow, but not very sincere.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I thought we were going to play pirates, not shout pirates."
"We are." Luffy said, looking blankly at his friends. It was actually quiet for a bit.
"Luffy," Sanji said, interrupting the silence, "how are we going to play pirates?"
"Oh, right! You guys were all in my pirate crew!"
"As what?" Zoro asked honestly curious.
"Uhm... Zoro was the swordsman. You were really cool and really strong!" The rest of his friends looked at him expectantly, so he continued. "Nami was the navigator. And she could magic rain and lighting. Usopp was our liar!"
"I'm not a liar! I want to be the captain!" Usopp protested.
"You can't be the captain, I'm captain already! You can be the sharpshooter." Luffy said.
"You sure you want to be up standing like that?" Sanji chuckled, interrupting the discussion. "Nice pants, by the way." He said, staring pointedly to the slightly faded but still visible dark spot in the fabric.
Usopp looked down and within less than a second he was seated again. "I'll be the sharpshooter, then!" He announced from the back of the class.
Luffy continued. "Sanji was our cook, and he made the best food in the world! And he was strong too; he fought with his feet. Chopper was our doctor. He was really smart and he could cure anything!"
"That doesn't make me happy, you bastard!" Chopper said, looking extremely pleased.
"He really is happy, isn't he?" Luffy asked Nami. The girl just nodded in response and they watched Chopper doing a little dance of his own.
Meanwhile Zoro and Sanji had started another of their frequent arguments.
"At least I'm useful, shitty-swordsman. Without food everyone would die!"
"How hard can cooking be? At least I can fight! You curly-cook!"
"I can fight! Luffy said I was strong too!" Sanji shouted.
"But he said I was really strong!" Zoro said, smirking. "That's better than 'strong too'!"
"You don't even have a sword, Marimo! A swordsman without a sword is pretty sad, huh? Like a sandbag… Or worse!"
"I have a sword!"
"Oh! My bad." Sanji said mockingly, looking all around Zoro, as if searching for his sword. "So where is it, then?"
"It's… at home." Zoro answered, looking away slightly.
"Hah! That won't do, Marimo-kun! What if we would be attacked right now?!"
"Shut up, Eyebrow!"
Nami and Usopp sweat dropped. Chopper had stopped dancing and was looking at the argument with big innocent eyes. The rest of the class, teacher included, couldn't do anything but watch the scene unfold. Things were happening too fast and too random for them to react. So they just watched. And Luffy?
Luffy just laughed, as always. "Those two are so funny!" He then frowned. "Sanji is right, though. Can't have a swordsman without a sword." He said mostly to himself. He looked around to find a 'sword' for his swordsman. "Oi Zoro!" He exclaimed with his sing-song voice.
"Hah?" Zoro looked up, slightly annoyed at being interrupted. "Luffy, what is it?"
"I found you a sword!"
"Really?" He looked at the long metal rulers Luffy held in front of him suspiciously. "You want me to use a ruler as my sword?"
"It'll work, right?"
"Better than nothing, I suppose."
"Alright! I just grabbed all of them; you can choose which one you want."
Zoro studied the three metal rulers again, before smirking. "Why not all of them?"
"How were you going to hold three of them, shitty-swordsman?" Sanji said, but even before he had finished the green-haired man was already in position. One ruler in his left hand, one ruler and his right hand and the third ruler proudly between his teeth.
"Woohoo! Zoro is the coolest!" Luffy cheered.
"What do you think you are doing?!" The teacher shouted, interrupting the cheers.
"What do you mean, sensei?" Nami asked with her sweetest smile. "We aren't doing anything wrong, are we?"
"Of course you are doing something wrong! You are supposed to listen to me!"
"Oh no we're not. Sensei said we should keep Luffy awake. That's exactly what we're doing right now. We can't help it that this is the only way, can we?"
"Playing pirates is the only way?" He asked incredulously.
"Apparantly. But don't you think math class becomes a lot more interesting like this?"
"You are all getting detention for this! Mark my words!"
"No we don't." Nami answered calmly.
"What?" The teacher said, not nearly half as calm as Nami.
"I said we won't get detention for this."
"Yes I heard, but what do you mean by that?"
Nami didn't answer; instead she pulled out her cellphone. After a few pushed at the buttons voices could be heard; first Nami's voice, then the teacher's:
"Sensei? Does that mean we won't get detention if Luffy stays awake?"
"As long as he stays awake, none of you will get detention."
"You see, we won't get detention. Teachers should keep their promises. After all, if they don't, they'll give us a bad example. And who knows what these guys do if that happens. Besides, if you break your promise, I will sue you." Nami's smile turned evil at this point. "And trust me, I will win and you will lose…" Nami finished and the pure evilness of her facial expression made everyone's blood turn to ice and hand guard their wallet.
"You don't-" The teacher started his reply, but he was once again not loud enough and not interesting enough.
Sanji was convinced his Nami-swan would win the battle of words, and Zoro was never interested anyway. Every time he got mixed up in her schemes, it cost him money. So they didn't listen. Instead they started their own conversation. Not while Nami was talking, Sanji wouldn't have it, but shitty-teachers could go die for all he cared. "By the way, you do realize you look like a complete moron right now, don't you?" He asked Zoro, who was still standing there with his rulers in place.
"-actually think-" The teacher stubbornly kept talking.
"So do you, Curlybrow, but you don't hear me say that every time." Was the reply.
"-that'll-" Most students had stopped listening already.
"I look the same as normal, Marimo!"
"-work, I hope?"
"My point exactly, idiot-cook!"
He got out a full sentence, but no one listened to the poor teacher anymore, in favour of more the spectacle that was at hand.
"Why, you!" And with that Sanji launched himself at the other, or rather, launched his foot at the other, starting the fight. They were just exchanging blows, not actually hurting each other. That didn't mean it wasn't violent. Zoro fared quite well with his ruler-swords. They both looked up for a moment when they heard loud shouting, though.
"What the hell!? Just listen to me for a goddamn minute! I'm a fucking teacher, you are fucking students; you should shut the hell up and fucking listen to me, goddamnit!" The teacher snapped.
"Language, sensei, language." Nami reminded him, and with that he finally broke down.
"Just do whatever you want." The teacher said. He went to sit in a corner, crying.
"It's not like anyone could stop them." Nami answered with a small smile. Zoro and Sanji had started fighting again. Maybe she could persuade her other classmates, the ones who had been reduced to watching up until now, to place a bet on who would win. It was a nice opportunity to make some money.
Usopp, Chopper and Luffy were playing some kind of game that involved climbing in the curtains. When all three of them decided to use the same curtain, it tore and they fell on the floor, the curtain covering them. A gasp could be heard from where the teacher was still crying. After some struggling they escaped the evil fabric. Usopp started a story about how he defeated an evil window shutter and was named king of the curtains. Chopper listened attentively, of course. For once Luffy did pay attention to Usopp's stories. He studied the curtain, and he decided it would make a fine cape. Now all he needed was a hat. Too bad he left Hat at home.
"Alright!" Luffy shouted enthusiastically, immediately getting everyone's attention. "Now that everyone is ready, we can set sail!" His crew looked at him blankly. "We're pirates after all." He told them with a huge smile. A contagious smile.
"Well then, what is our heading, captain?" Nami asked, remembering her position as the crew's navigator. If possible, Luffy's smile became even wider.
"To the end of maths class! Full speed ahead!" He shouted. Immediately after his words the school bell sounded, signalling the end of class. "Woohoo! We made it! I'm going to be the best pirate ever!" And with that he ran out of the classroom, his 'cape' still draped around his shoulders, while shouting things about pirates. His friends watched him go.
"We've created a monster, haven't we?" Nami said.
"Don't look at us, this was all your idea." Zoro told him after he had collected his and Luffy's stuff. When the others had done the same with their stuff, they followed their captain to lunch. This was certainly going to be an interesting day.
***
"I heard mathematics was nice today." Robin said. The group didn't get detention, but they went by to say hi anyway. They sat comfortably in the library. Robin even made some tea for everyone.
"Yeah!" Luffy said, grinning. "We're pirates now!"
"Luffy, we're not pirates, we were just pretending." Nami said with a sigh.
"No, we're pirates now."
"There's no talking to you, is there?"
"No, 'cause we're pirates."
"You are impossible." Nami complained, but a small fond smile showed on her face anyway. Robin giggled.
"Can I join your crew too?" She asked.
"Sure, but you didn't need to ask. You're already part of my crew after all! So are Franky and Brook. You were all in my dream! Next time you'll have to join me too, you know."
"Dream?"
"Apparently we were all pirates in his dream. I supposed all of this started because he can't stay awake in maths." Zoro answered, before yawning widely.
"You will have to tell me the whole story." Robin said. Before anyone could comply to her request, Nami spoke.
"What, wait! Next time? What do you mean by 'next time'?" She asked.
"Next time we set sail, of course. We're pirates, so there will be a next time!" Luffy said as if it was normal. Robin giggled to that. Nami looked horrified; next would possibly not end so pretty. Usopp and Chopper cheered. Sanji smirked. Zoro was already asleep. "How else can I become the best pirates ever?"
Meanwhile, somewhere else in the school's building, a certain maths teacher was complaining to the vice-principal. He was demanding an appropriate punishment. The old man was just laughing his ass off, though, while proclaiming; "He is my grandson, after all!"
(1) I don't usually do author note like this, but alright. For me, XXX means kisses, hugs, love or something like that. It something you put at the end of a text message or something like that. I had little joke with that in mind that I wanted to put in this fic. Then a friend of mine told that in English you use XOXO or something like that for kisses and hugs. And that XXX means porn or alcohol. So the joke didn't make it into the fic. I still put the XXX in it, because no matter what meaning you give it, it is awkward in this siuation. I hope it was funny^^ That was my little explanation...
Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this. If it made you laugh, then this fic was a succes for me. Please tell me if you laughed in a review!