The One With The Fake Sideburns
It was Halloween. Monica ran around the house lighting her perfectly carved pumpkins. She was dressed up in her costume already. She was "Raggedy Ann". As she was lighting the last one she called to her bedroom.
"Hurry up with the costume, Chandler. The others will be here in a few minutes. Not to mention kids with candy, and Joey!" Monica said.
"I am NOT coming out there!" Chandler called.
"You have to!" Monica said.
"I'd rather die than come out in this costume!" Chandler answered.
"Please!" Monica asked. "For me?"
"Oh all right." Chandler said opening the door. He slowly came out. He was wearing a "Raggedy Andy" costume. The frown on his face didn't match however...
"You look so cute!" Monica said kissing him.'
"This is SO humiliating." Chandler said sitting down.
"I know, but this was the only couple costume left. Or would you have rather gone as Frankenstein and Bride?" Monica asked as there was a knock at the door.
"You're asking me that now?" He asked. He thought. "Ask me again in fifteen minutes when you get done thinking about what your hair would have looked like."
Monica opened the door to a bunch of trick of treaters. She gave them some candy. She was about to close the door when Joey barged in.
"Wheres Chandler?" Joey asked.
"Over here." Chandler waved.
"Oh you hired a party clown!" Joey exclaimed. "But seriously wheres Chandler?"
"That is really him." Monica said. "In that costume."
"Oh my god!" Joey said. "Did you get any pictures of him? That could be my christmas card this year." He muttered to Monica.
"Joey, how can I help you?" Chandler asked shuffling over.
"Well..." Joey looked at him, the cracked up laughing. He then tried to stop, then started laughing again.
"Joey!" Chandler said taking off the red moppy wig.
"Hmm." Joey said. "Sorry, bud, doesn't help!"
"We'll be in Joeys place. Let us know when the others get there." Chandler said pushing Joey out the door.
"Hey for a doll, you're pretty rugged...." Joey said as he left.
Joeys Place
"Now what can I do to help you?" Chandler asked.
"I met this great girl named Carrie in the produce isle. We got into a weird thing about squeezing melons..." He laughed.
"Joey?" Chandler quickly snapped him back to reality.
"Anyway, Mon said I could bring a date this party right?" He asked. Chandler nodded. "So I invited her. I needed help with my costume."
"I hope you got something better than Mon did. I feel like a walking toy store here." Chandler said.
"But you wore it."
"Yeah, cause we make little sacrifices....big actually...when you want to get engaged to someone. Even if I am a big walking fashion DONT, I love her enough to do it." Chandler said.
"Anyway I want to be the king!" Joey said.
"The king? Don King?" Chandler asked.
"No, no, THE KING!" Joey asked as Chandler feigned ignorance. "Elvis!"
"My god, how are you gonna pull that off?" He asked.
"I got the clothes, I snuck them off a set at a rehersal last week. All I gotta do is get the hair and the sideburns done." Joey said.
"What, you couldn't hoist a couple of them at the set too?" Chandler asked.
"Oh no, I was lucky to get the outfit. The security guard threw me out before I got to makeup." Joey said. "So I got this." Joey said getting something out of the closet. He took a paper bag and spilled the contents on the counter. It was a big aerosal can. Chandler picked it up.
"Sideburns in a can." He read.
"Can you dig it?" Joey asked excitedly.
"Oh I sure can." He looked at it. "This is from the same guy who makes bread in a tube."
"I know!" Joey said. "And its ozone safe, whatever that means."
"Yeah, but is it Joey safe?" He asked. "This stuff expired over a year ago." Chandler pointed out.
"Expiration, vaccination..." Joey said. "Who actually pays attention to that? Besides Monica?"
"I don't think you should use it." Chandler said.
"I have a date in less that 20 minutes!" Joey showed him his watch. "I don't have time to grow them!"
Chandler sighed. "Okay, but its your funeral." He said shaking the can.
Monicas
"Ross can you pass me the butter knife? This pumpkin isn't perfect." Monica said examining one on the deck ledge.
"Mon, give it a rest, you're a cook not a plastic surgeon." Ross said. He was dressed like a british gentleman, umbrella and all. "Come on in. I'm not doing candy duty alone."
"Fine." Monica said. "But that pumpkin is gonna bother me all night."
"Really now?" Ross said. He leaned over and knocked the pumpkin off the ledge. "Problem solved."
"Ross! I spent two hours carving that!" Monica punched. The pumpkin landed with a squish and a cat screeched. Monia looked over the edge.
"Your welcome." Ross said. They both came in from the cold. There was a knock at the door. Ross went over to answer it.
"You didn't explain your outfit yet, wheres it from?" Monica asked as he got to the door.
"Some old tv series Emily introduced me to." Ross said. "I thought it looked nice." Ross shrugged.
He opened the door. It was Rachel, only she was wearing a skin tight catsuit. Ross stood there with his mouth open.
"Hey!" Rachel said. "I'm not late am I?" She asked, looking at Ross's face. "Close your mouth, you'll catch flies that way."
"Sorry Rachel..." Ross said shutting the door.
Rachel went over to Monica and hugged her.
"Who are you supposed to be?" Monica asked.
"Emma Peel!" Rachel responded. "Well a more modern one. I had to be sewn into this, practically!"
"Hey!" He heard. He turned and saw Joey with his date.
"Sorry, Joey, I didn't see you there." Ross said.
"Of course you didn't with your eyes glued on Rachel over there." Joey said. He was dressed like Elvis, and his dress was dressed like a 18th century Maiden. "Ross, this is Carrie, Carrie this is my best friend Ross Geller.
"Bonjour." Carrie said.
"Bonjour." Ross said kissing her hand.
"Watch it buddy, shes not ready to get married yet." Joey said.
Ross glared at Joey as he went by. Ross grabbed a glass of egg nog off the counter. Chandler adjusted his red mop wig as he came in.
"Hey Ross." Chandler said. Ross did an awesome spit take with his egg nog. Monica threw a rag at him.
"You spit, you wipe!" She called.
"Chander? What is that costume?" Ross asked as he mopped up the egg nog.
"Don't ask, don't tell." He said.
"But you look ridiculous!" Ross started laughing.
"What are YOU laughing at Mrs Nesbit?" Chandler said refering to something Ross did as a child, dress up as a english lady who hosted little tea parties.
"Ok." Ross said.
"Chandler, we're running low on candy." Monica said. "Can you go get some?"
"Yea, when pigs fly...maybe!" Chandler said.
"But all the kids will be disapointed." Monica said. "I might have to hand out homemade cookies!"
"I'll go." Rachel said. "Some guy handed me a fifty dollar bill when I came out of Central Perk."
"Was it Gunther?" Monica asked.
"Yeah." Rachel admitted.
Rachel turned and went out the door. She saw Phoebe in the hallway.
"Hey Rachel, you look nice!" Phoebe said before going into the apartment.
"Hey Pheebs." Ross said. "Nice costume."
"Thanks." Phoebe said, she was wearing a sort of fairy goblin outfit.
"What are you?" Chandler asked.
"I am the thing that kills you in your sleep." She said.
"Monicas halitosis?" Ross laughed. Chandler laughed with him. Monica gave him a steaming look. "Uh oh, I'm gonna pay for that later."
Minutes later
"Wheres Rachel with that candy?" Monica moaned loudly. "I don't think the kids are buying the Cat food is trail mix idea."
"It's real hard to find candy on halloween night." Chandler said. "It's getting late anyway, I don't think anymore will be coming."
"Okay." Monica said.
Carrie went up to Monica. "Have you seen Joey? My date?"
"No." Monica shrugged.
"Well, tell him if he ever wants to see me again, he better let me know in five minutes ok?" Carrie said. "Thank you." She said and went to the living room couch.
"Where IS Joey anyway?" Ross asked. "Doesn't he have a secret snack stash in his apartment?"
"Yes!" Monica said. "He moves it every month, cause someone keeps finding it." Chandler looked at her. "Don't look at me, its not me, ok maybe once or twice...during Survivor reruns..." Monica shook her head. "Go find him!"
"All right." Chandler said looking around the apartment. He just barely went into the hallway next to the bathroom when he heard someone hissing his name.
"Chandler!" He heard.
"Joey?" Chandler said looking.
"Get in here. And take that wig off!" Joey said.
Chandler went into the bathroom and shut the door.
"Why are you in here?" Chandler asked while turning around. "Carrie is looking all over for you, and I gotta tell you, shes getting on Monicas nerves..." Chandler stopped when he saw Joeys face. "What happened to you?"
Joeys skin around the "sideburns" were red and blotchy. Not a pretty site.
"Its the sideburns in a can." Joey said. "Its giving me a rash! I feel like my face is on fire!"
"I had a bad feeling about that stuff." Chandler said. "Let's try and wash the sideburns off. It might stop it from being worse. Then we might want to consider going to a hospital."
"But Chandler! I got a date!" Joey said.
"Would you want to be with you if your face looked liek that?" Chandler asked.
"This coming from Raggedy Andy?" Joey asked. Chandler flicked his ear. "I see your point, but how will we get out of here without anyone seeing my face?"
"Hmm." Chandler said. "I have an idea. Its silly but it'll work."
"What?" Joey asked.
Living Room
"Tell Joey goodbye for me, and thanks a lot!" Carrie said huffily as she headed for the door. Rachel burst in through the door with sacks of candy. She fought off kids in Pokemon costumes with one arm and carried the bag with her other.
"Help! Monica!" Rachel said. Monica came over and grabbed the bag. "Oh thanks a LOT." She turned on one kid. "Watch what you're grabbing sonny!!" She said after a kid grabbed her butt. She slammed the door.
"I so wanna be that kid right now." Ross mused while playing with his bowler hat.
"What?" Rachel asked.
"Nevermind?" Ross said.
"Well, where is he?" Carrie asked. "He promised me a good time, and I want it!"
"Uh, hmm..." Phoebe said.
Chandler came out of the bathroom with his wig back on. He laughed and dragged Joey out, who was wearing a lampshade.
"Oh Joey, you wild man!" He said with a fake laugh. "Drunk already!"
"Drunk?" Carrie asked. "Joey told me he doesn't drink."
"Hey, he'd tell you most anything about now." Chandler said. "Come on, let's get to bed."
Carrie looked at Joey and went out the door. Chandler kept pulling Joey toward the front door.
"Chandler whats going on?" Monica asked.
"Its Joeys face." Chandler said. "The fake sideburns are giving him an allergic reaction."
"Oh my god!" Monica said. "I have some aloe in my room, let me go get it."
"Does he have a big rash?" Pheobe asked. Chandler nodded. "Cool, let us see!"
"Hey, I am not a circus attraction here!" Joey protested.
"Sorry man." Ross said. Pheobe and Rachel sat down. "I'll give you twenty bucks."
Joey took off his lampshade and glared at Ross. Ross laughed, and backed up slipping over the couch.
"At least that was good for something." Joey said, putting his lampshade back on.
The end
It was Halloween. Monica ran around the house lighting her perfectly carved pumpkins. She was dressed up in her costume already. She was "Raggedy Ann". As she was lighting the last one she called to her bedroom.
"Hurry up with the costume, Chandler. The others will be here in a few minutes. Not to mention kids with candy, and Joey!" Monica said.
"I am NOT coming out there!" Chandler called.
"You have to!" Monica said.
"I'd rather die than come out in this costume!" Chandler answered.
"Please!" Monica asked. "For me?"
"Oh all right." Chandler said opening the door. He slowly came out. He was wearing a "Raggedy Andy" costume. The frown on his face didn't match however...
"You look so cute!" Monica said kissing him.'
"This is SO humiliating." Chandler said sitting down.
"I know, but this was the only couple costume left. Or would you have rather gone as Frankenstein and Bride?" Monica asked as there was a knock at the door.
"You're asking me that now?" He asked. He thought. "Ask me again in fifteen minutes when you get done thinking about what your hair would have looked like."
Monica opened the door to a bunch of trick of treaters. She gave them some candy. She was about to close the door when Joey barged in.
"Wheres Chandler?" Joey asked.
"Over here." Chandler waved.
"Oh you hired a party clown!" Joey exclaimed. "But seriously wheres Chandler?"
"That is really him." Monica said. "In that costume."
"Oh my god!" Joey said. "Did you get any pictures of him? That could be my christmas card this year." He muttered to Monica.
"Joey, how can I help you?" Chandler asked shuffling over.
"Well..." Joey looked at him, the cracked up laughing. He then tried to stop, then started laughing again.
"Joey!" Chandler said taking off the red moppy wig.
"Hmm." Joey said. "Sorry, bud, doesn't help!"
"We'll be in Joeys place. Let us know when the others get there." Chandler said pushing Joey out the door.
"Hey for a doll, you're pretty rugged...." Joey said as he left.
Joeys Place
"Now what can I do to help you?" Chandler asked.
"I met this great girl named Carrie in the produce isle. We got into a weird thing about squeezing melons..." He laughed.
"Joey?" Chandler quickly snapped him back to reality.
"Anyway, Mon said I could bring a date this party right?" He asked. Chandler nodded. "So I invited her. I needed help with my costume."
"I hope you got something better than Mon did. I feel like a walking toy store here." Chandler said.
"But you wore it."
"Yeah, cause we make little sacrifices....big actually...when you want to get engaged to someone. Even if I am a big walking fashion DONT, I love her enough to do it." Chandler said.
"Anyway I want to be the king!" Joey said.
"The king? Don King?" Chandler asked.
"No, no, THE KING!" Joey asked as Chandler feigned ignorance. "Elvis!"
"My god, how are you gonna pull that off?" He asked.
"I got the clothes, I snuck them off a set at a rehersal last week. All I gotta do is get the hair and the sideburns done." Joey said.
"What, you couldn't hoist a couple of them at the set too?" Chandler asked.
"Oh no, I was lucky to get the outfit. The security guard threw me out before I got to makeup." Joey said. "So I got this." Joey said getting something out of the closet. He took a paper bag and spilled the contents on the counter. It was a big aerosal can. Chandler picked it up.
"Sideburns in a can." He read.
"Can you dig it?" Joey asked excitedly.
"Oh I sure can." He looked at it. "This is from the same guy who makes bread in a tube."
"I know!" Joey said. "And its ozone safe, whatever that means."
"Yeah, but is it Joey safe?" He asked. "This stuff expired over a year ago." Chandler pointed out.
"Expiration, vaccination..." Joey said. "Who actually pays attention to that? Besides Monica?"
"I don't think you should use it." Chandler said.
"I have a date in less that 20 minutes!" Joey showed him his watch. "I don't have time to grow them!"
Chandler sighed. "Okay, but its your funeral." He said shaking the can.
Monicas
"Ross can you pass me the butter knife? This pumpkin isn't perfect." Monica said examining one on the deck ledge.
"Mon, give it a rest, you're a cook not a plastic surgeon." Ross said. He was dressed like a british gentleman, umbrella and all. "Come on in. I'm not doing candy duty alone."
"Fine." Monica said. "But that pumpkin is gonna bother me all night."
"Really now?" Ross said. He leaned over and knocked the pumpkin off the ledge. "Problem solved."
"Ross! I spent two hours carving that!" Monica punched. The pumpkin landed with a squish and a cat screeched. Monia looked over the edge.
"Your welcome." Ross said. They both came in from the cold. There was a knock at the door. Ross went over to answer it.
"You didn't explain your outfit yet, wheres it from?" Monica asked as he got to the door.
"Some old tv series Emily introduced me to." Ross said. "I thought it looked nice." Ross shrugged.
He opened the door. It was Rachel, only she was wearing a skin tight catsuit. Ross stood there with his mouth open.
"Hey!" Rachel said. "I'm not late am I?" She asked, looking at Ross's face. "Close your mouth, you'll catch flies that way."
"Sorry Rachel..." Ross said shutting the door.
Rachel went over to Monica and hugged her.
"Who are you supposed to be?" Monica asked.
"Emma Peel!" Rachel responded. "Well a more modern one. I had to be sewn into this, practically!"
"Hey!" He heard. He turned and saw Joey with his date.
"Sorry, Joey, I didn't see you there." Ross said.
"Of course you didn't with your eyes glued on Rachel over there." Joey said. He was dressed like Elvis, and his dress was dressed like a 18th century Maiden. "Ross, this is Carrie, Carrie this is my best friend Ross Geller.
"Bonjour." Carrie said.
"Bonjour." Ross said kissing her hand.
"Watch it buddy, shes not ready to get married yet." Joey said.
Ross glared at Joey as he went by. Ross grabbed a glass of egg nog off the counter. Chandler adjusted his red mop wig as he came in.
"Hey Ross." Chandler said. Ross did an awesome spit take with his egg nog. Monica threw a rag at him.
"You spit, you wipe!" She called.
"Chander? What is that costume?" Ross asked as he mopped up the egg nog.
"Don't ask, don't tell." He said.
"But you look ridiculous!" Ross started laughing.
"What are YOU laughing at Mrs Nesbit?" Chandler said refering to something Ross did as a child, dress up as a english lady who hosted little tea parties.
"Ok." Ross said.
"Chandler, we're running low on candy." Monica said. "Can you go get some?"
"Yea, when pigs fly...maybe!" Chandler said.
"But all the kids will be disapointed." Monica said. "I might have to hand out homemade cookies!"
"I'll go." Rachel said. "Some guy handed me a fifty dollar bill when I came out of Central Perk."
"Was it Gunther?" Monica asked.
"Yeah." Rachel admitted.
Rachel turned and went out the door. She saw Phoebe in the hallway.
"Hey Rachel, you look nice!" Phoebe said before going into the apartment.
"Hey Pheebs." Ross said. "Nice costume."
"Thanks." Phoebe said, she was wearing a sort of fairy goblin outfit.
"What are you?" Chandler asked.
"I am the thing that kills you in your sleep." She said.
"Monicas halitosis?" Ross laughed. Chandler laughed with him. Monica gave him a steaming look. "Uh oh, I'm gonna pay for that later."
Minutes later
"Wheres Rachel with that candy?" Monica moaned loudly. "I don't think the kids are buying the Cat food is trail mix idea."
"It's real hard to find candy on halloween night." Chandler said. "It's getting late anyway, I don't think anymore will be coming."
"Okay." Monica said.
Carrie went up to Monica. "Have you seen Joey? My date?"
"No." Monica shrugged.
"Well, tell him if he ever wants to see me again, he better let me know in five minutes ok?" Carrie said. "Thank you." She said and went to the living room couch.
"Where IS Joey anyway?" Ross asked. "Doesn't he have a secret snack stash in his apartment?"
"Yes!" Monica said. "He moves it every month, cause someone keeps finding it." Chandler looked at her. "Don't look at me, its not me, ok maybe once or twice...during Survivor reruns..." Monica shook her head. "Go find him!"
"All right." Chandler said looking around the apartment. He just barely went into the hallway next to the bathroom when he heard someone hissing his name.
"Chandler!" He heard.
"Joey?" Chandler said looking.
"Get in here. And take that wig off!" Joey said.
Chandler went into the bathroom and shut the door.
"Why are you in here?" Chandler asked while turning around. "Carrie is looking all over for you, and I gotta tell you, shes getting on Monicas nerves..." Chandler stopped when he saw Joeys face. "What happened to you?"
Joeys skin around the "sideburns" were red and blotchy. Not a pretty site.
"Its the sideburns in a can." Joey said. "Its giving me a rash! I feel like my face is on fire!"
"I had a bad feeling about that stuff." Chandler said. "Let's try and wash the sideburns off. It might stop it from being worse. Then we might want to consider going to a hospital."
"But Chandler! I got a date!" Joey said.
"Would you want to be with you if your face looked liek that?" Chandler asked.
"This coming from Raggedy Andy?" Joey asked. Chandler flicked his ear. "I see your point, but how will we get out of here without anyone seeing my face?"
"Hmm." Chandler said. "I have an idea. Its silly but it'll work."
"What?" Joey asked.
Living Room
"Tell Joey goodbye for me, and thanks a lot!" Carrie said huffily as she headed for the door. Rachel burst in through the door with sacks of candy. She fought off kids in Pokemon costumes with one arm and carried the bag with her other.
"Help! Monica!" Rachel said. Monica came over and grabbed the bag. "Oh thanks a LOT." She turned on one kid. "Watch what you're grabbing sonny!!" She said after a kid grabbed her butt. She slammed the door.
"I so wanna be that kid right now." Ross mused while playing with his bowler hat.
"What?" Rachel asked.
"Nevermind?" Ross said.
"Well, where is he?" Carrie asked. "He promised me a good time, and I want it!"
"Uh, hmm..." Phoebe said.
Chandler came out of the bathroom with his wig back on. He laughed and dragged Joey out, who was wearing a lampshade.
"Oh Joey, you wild man!" He said with a fake laugh. "Drunk already!"
"Drunk?" Carrie asked. "Joey told me he doesn't drink."
"Hey, he'd tell you most anything about now." Chandler said. "Come on, let's get to bed."
Carrie looked at Joey and went out the door. Chandler kept pulling Joey toward the front door.
"Chandler whats going on?" Monica asked.
"Its Joeys face." Chandler said. "The fake sideburns are giving him an allergic reaction."
"Oh my god!" Monica said. "I have some aloe in my room, let me go get it."
"Does he have a big rash?" Pheobe asked. Chandler nodded. "Cool, let us see!"
"Hey, I am not a circus attraction here!" Joey protested.
"Sorry man." Ross said. Pheobe and Rachel sat down. "I'll give you twenty bucks."
Joey took off his lampshade and glared at Ross. Ross laughed, and backed up slipping over the couch.
"At least that was good for something." Joey said, putting his lampshade back on.
The end