This is the result of major boredom at a sleepover. Be warned: not for fans of Twilight. My friends and I were pretty high on candy while doing this, so please excuse the... randomness. Please don't be offended, it's not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: This includes robots, emo-ness, and sleazy Italians. And, of course, Twilight bashing. If you are offended by any of these, please turn away now. This includes MAJOR use of the word "emo" and other variations of it. I think we may have overdone it...

Uh, I was going to create another account and post this, but I couldn't be bothered… and so now I must prepare myself for hate comments.

The chapters are short, especially the prologue. Yay. Feel free to comment... but still remember that this is not a serious thing, and we don't mean to offend anyone. Have I said that enough? Here we go!

Twilight: The Black Emo Tears of a Robot

Prologue
I smell nice. This air freshener scent would change my life forever ...

Chapter One

Recently, my switch had got jammed. It was mother and her new boyfriend's fault - at least, I'm assuming it's a male. As you've probably noticed, my switch got stuck on whiny, as opposed to retarded and/or self obsessed.

Because my mother couldn't handle my whiny settings, she banished me to Forks with my toned, athletic, slim father. Or so I thought...

Chapter Two
The ground shook and I cried some black emo tears, as a large inflatable beach ball rolled towards me. Hang on - were those arms? And legs? As I saw a head, I screamed. It was my father, Charlie. He was fat and not perfect. I hated him.

"Bella!" he wheezed squeakily, trying to grasp me in his stumpy arms. I brandished a carrot at him and a look of confusion wallowed in the emo depths of his fat eyes.

It was obvious that his sexist views meant he refused to cook, and the lack of female presence meant an influx of fat emo takeaways.

As we walked (Charlie rolled) out of the airport, I saw another huge monstrosity, except this one was a car and not my father. It was red and not emo enough. I hated it. Yet somehow, it reminded me of myself - metal and unloved. Then The Lump, Charlie, announced it was mine. I threw a grape at him and he cried fat, non-emo tears.

Chapter Three
I drove the "car" and The Lump rolled behind me, ruining the chance of any hot guys asking me out. That was obviously why he got fat in the first place; to ruin my life. I hated him. The world revolved around me!

I stormed up to my room, which had not been altered since my last visit, and glared out my window at some clouds which had the nerve to obscure my sleazy, Italian sun. Why couldn't it be like Italy - Italian and sleazy?

I fell asleep as it began to rain, the droplets rolling down the window like my black emo tears. The sky was crying for me and the pain I felt at owning a fat father.

I woke up and ate chocolatey emo pops for breakfast. I then threw them in the bin. They contained too much fat; I did not want to end up as a Lumpess. After I had regurgitated my breakfast, looking as emo as possible, I decided that I would fast until the sun came out. The rain would make me rusty and drain my batteries. Only a sleazy Italian could cheer me up when I was this depressed.

I sighed, got in my car and drove to school in my blood-drenched (red, but more emo) car. I seriously doubted that there would be any sleazy Italians in school. How wrong I was.

Chapter Four
I parked the blood-drenched rust mobile just as an acne-ridden teen with wings started to annoy me. I tried to run him over but he pranced out of the way. He was spotty and not perfect. I hated him instantly.

"Hi, I'm the acne fairy," he said, although the label on his shirt read "Eric".

"Kiss my feet or I'll give you spots!" he shouted lovingly. I couldn't risk acne so I bent down and kissed his feet. He stroked my hair and I ran away. The people at this school were strange and not perfect. I hated them.

Chapter Five
I walked into the classroom and was immediately greeted by a strange boy with puppy dog eyes and a lolling tongue. He licked my face enthusiastically and drooled on the carpet. A girl with retardedly frizzy hair (this made her imperfect, so I hated her) said, "Down boy, down; stop licking the new girl!".

"But she smells like freesias, my favorite air freshener!"

"Mike, that's no excuse!"

Just then, a teacher walked into the room. She smelled like a more expensive brand of air freshener than me, but I was still more special. She was stupid and annoying, and I hated her.

I spent the lesson compiling a list of why I was better than everyone else in the room. I continued this activity for the rest of morning lessons.

Chapter Six
It was lunchtime, but I was fasting. I had somehow ended up sitting with imbecilic retards. All of a sudden, the cafeteria was lit up with light radiating from my new proverbial sun. Yes, it was my heart's desire; not one sleazy Italian, but FIVE. As I started to hyperventilate, I cried internal happy emo tears and I felt complete.

I nudged the annoying girl beside me and exclaimed, "look, fit people!"

As I watched, Mike bounded up to the sleaziest, smexiest Italianist hot person and licked his face whilst simultaneously dropping a large pink Frisbee at his feet. I could sense that I had competition for this sleazy Italian. The Italian picked up the Frisbee and threw it out of the window. Mike followed, his dog collar jangling. The sleazy Italian hot guy did not look at me again, and I cried black emo tears because he didn't instantly love and worship me. He will pay, I thought to myself.

Chapter Seven
As I dithered in front of a cleverly placed fan at the front of the biology classroom, I realised that the only available seat was next to sleazy Italian hot guy. I shook my hair in a crazed attempt to catch his attention, and it worked. He looked up at me in a wondering fashion which could have also possibly been disgust. I hope it was wondering. He will pay if it wasn't.

I ran enthusiastically towards him but fell over on the way. My nose leaked some oil. As I took my seat, my batteries began to overheat.

"That rhymed!" I exclaimed robotically. The Italian frowned as he had not heard my fantastical rhyming thoughts. I began to write emo poetry.

My name is Bella,
I have no fella,
I'm a whiny brat,
And my father is fat,
I worship the sun,
And I want to have emo fun, (with sleazy Italians)
My car is drenched in blood,
And my eyes are the colour of mud,
I like to self harm,
Up and down my arm.

I marvelled at my emo-ness as an ambulance pulled up outside school. I noticed with shock that the hot sleazy Italian was convulsing on the floor, foaming at the mouth and complaining about cheap freesia air freshener. As two paramedics rushed in, I glared at all the attention he was receiving. At least he was nearly dead. I promised myself he would pay. I was always right. Because I was special.

Chapter Eight
I followed the stretcher out of the classroom as that was where all the attention was. No one stopped me because this school is stupid and retarded and not perfect and I hate it.

Then I walked over to my car whilst trying to look attractive. I decided to skip last lesson because even though I didn't know what it was, I hated it. I stood by my car, pouting and looking emo-ly attractive.

Suddenly, I saw Charlie rolling down the hill towards me, noodles flying everywhere. I cried a petrified emo scream - he was going to squash me! How dare he. I hated him. He crushed me. My legs were pinned against the car and the rest of me was squashed against the pavement. My internal emo soul was dying. I cried black emo tears at the thought of all the hot, sleazy Italians I would never meet.

All of a sudden, the pressure lifted. Light scorched my retinas, painful after the crushing blackness. Was I dead? Yes, this must be emo heaven; the sleazy Italian was saving me! He was still frothing at the mouth from his earlier emo spaz attack as he lifted The Lump off me. I was drenched in his foam. I would never wash again. Once hot Italian guy had entirely removed The Lump, he slapped my bum in an Italian fashion, told me his name was Edward, gave me evils and ran off.

I was in love.

Chapter Nine
They insisted on taking me to hospital. I whined all the way there. Seriously, I had only broken my spine. The Lump had apparently been trying to see the headteacher, because already the school couldn't handle my emo-ness. He had also been eating a Chinese takeaway, which explained the noodles which now coated my body along with Italian foam. I sprayed some more air freshener to mask the smell, despite my broken spine.

Unfortunately, this caused my beloved Italian foam to dissolve and I broke down into a flood of black emo tears. I realised that I had cried so many black emo tears that my mascara had all ran off. I was now crying clear, fat tears which I must have inherited from my terrifyingly obese father.

I pulled out my emergency supply and immediately started to apply five tubes of mascara. Good, I felt more emo already.

I contemplated asking if my father was okay, then I remembered that I hated him. It was hard, hating so many people.

Upon discovering that I had also broken a nail, I stormed out of my hospital bed and promptly collapsed due to my broken spine. I used my elbows to crawl to where I could sense Edward's presence. My spine healed instantly as soon as I saw his foot. He was chatting up a nurse, in a sleazy Italian fashion. I gave her the evils and she died on the spot. I then started trying to be simultaneously emo and attractive so he would love me.

He gave me the evils, spanked me, and ran out of the room. I was so in love, I leaked a few emo tears.

Chapter Ten
I spent the whole weekend lying on my bed, staring emo-ly at the ceiling because I hate everyone and have no friends. I was still fasting in protest at the lack of sun.

FIN (For now...)

Woah, sorry if that was too... weird. That was as far as we got, before we all fell asleep, dreaming of emo tears. I think we included that in like, every paragraph.

Also, in case you were confused about Bella's jammed switch, her overheated batteries and her oil leakage, she's a robot. I'm sure the title gives it away. Sorry again if this makes no sense... AGAIN, not serious! JUST FOR FUN. I can't stress this enough!

xD Uh... prize to anyone who can guess how many times "emo" was mentioned in the story? *Prepares for flamers*