AN: This is my first fanfic and will probably be a two-shot. I've had this idea in my head for a while now and figured I would share it will you all. Rating is for later content. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or stories from the Naruto universe.
"I'll have another, thanks." Grasping the bottle, Sakura poured herself another cup of sake. She loved the feeling of the warmed ceramic in the palms of her hands. With each drink, she could finally feel her stress melt away. She needed this night. A night alone in a random bar to decompress and forget about her problems.
After working long hours at the hospital she just did not feel like going home. She knew Sarada was at her friends house for the weekend, so she had at least tonight and tomorrow morning to herself. As much as she loved her daughter, it was difficult raising her without a consistent father figure. Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head; don't get caught up on that topic again.
She had gotten done with a grueling 6 hour surgery and decided to meander her way around the beautiful city of Konoha. It was the middle of December and with the setting sun, the temperature started to drop. She grabbed the collar of her jacked and nuzzled into it looking up at the sky wondering if it was going to snow any time soon. As she looked around the city, she noticed things looked much different than they used to. Between work and taking care of Sarada, time just seemed to slip by. Everything around her was moving so much more rapidly; when did the city become so modernized? Maybe I'm just becoming an old lady, not up to date with the times. I can't believe I'll be 30 this year. Sakura rolled her eyes, sighed to herself, and continued her walk around the city admiring the winter decorations. With the holiday season approaching, shops were bustling with families and friends spending precious time together. She used to love this time of year, but recently has just become bitter about it.
Sakura needed a drink, or two, or five. Feeling cold from the walk, she quickly sought out an establishment to drink her troubles away. She found herself walking into a small bar in some district she was unfamiliar with. The bar had a few tables and chairs with a long wooden bar lined with high-back bar stools. The lighting was warm and the place seemed cozy, definitely the atmosphere she needed right now. A group of three young Jonin sat at one of the tables happily talking and enjoying each other's company. A pang of jealousy shot through her; or was it envy? Oh how she missed the carefree days of her past with Team 7. It was so, so long ago, yet she knew those memories would never escape her. Yes, a drink was definitely needed tonight.
She situated herself at the end of the right side of the bar. There was a gentleman sitting at the other end who gave her a nod and a smile. She took off her winter jacket and placed it over the back of the high stool. Sakura wore her typical red tunic, white pants, and black heels. She rubbed her hands up and down her bare arms - I should have worn another layer.
The bartender quickly came over and took her drink order. He could tell she needed to be alone. With a sigh, she closed her eyes, sipped her drink, and felt the warm liquid slide down her throat. Her left foot was propped up on the footrest of the stool, her right lightly swung back and forth idly. She traced delicate circles with her index finger around the rim of her cup, lost in her own thoughts. With everything swirling through her mind she unfortunately knew tonight was going to be filled with depressing thoughts and a ton of self-loathing. Hopefully with a bit of alcohol, she'd be able to easy her mind and maybe even let go of those troubles. Even if it was just for tonight.
Casually stepping into the small bar he went to most frequently, his eyes were immediately drawn to her.
As he walked through the room, the table of Jonin immediately became silent, eyes wide and gazing at the 'legend' before them. He's always hated this kind of attention and his method to avoid them was to, well, avoid them. He walked right past the table with his sight still locked on to the person sitting nonchalantly in his favorite seat.
She didn't realize the room had gone silent, nor the set of charcoal eyes that were lingering on her short, pink hair. She was too caught up reminiscing. It wasn't until he was standing directly behind her that she noticed that familiar person from her past, though she wished it was another standing there instead.
He immediately noticed that she didn't seem like herself. Her demeanor was off: daydreaming, a distraught and dispassionate look lingering on her face, drinking alone in a part of the city nowhere near her home. Needless to say, he was bothered by it all.
The bartender swiftly came to stand in front of the two. "Rokudaime, so nice to see you again. What can I get you?"
"I'll have the usual and another of whatever she's having."
Sakura took a deep breath and let it out slowly, refusing to look back at him. "What are the odds I would run into you of all people, Kakashi?"
Chuckling to himself he responded to her with a smile. "Hey now, I happen to frequent this establishment quite often. If anything I should be asking you that question. And what's with the tone?! Some people here actually find me to be a respectable and reputable,retired Hokage."
Sakura huffed a single, demeaning laugh as she hung her head low still staring into her drink. She took the cup and downed the last of her sake before meeting eyes with her old sensei. "If it weren't enough that I had to deal with your insufferable antics yesterday during that budgetary meeting, Hokage-sama," she said a bit more venomous than she intended.
She paused and shook her head, "I'm sorry, I've just been really stressed lately - a lot on my mind. I don't mean to take it out on you. It's nice to see you, Kakashi."
He had been seeing more of her during meeting regarding budgeting and the hospital. He had noticed Sakura becoming more closed off the past over few years, but this behavior was completely unusual. I never knew that it was this bad… Kakashi pulled out the stool beside Sakura and sat down, shifting his body so his left elbow rested on the bar and the right arm over the back of the bar stool. His eyes drifted from her swinging leg up her body to where their eyes met. "It's been a while since I've seen you in a non-work setting, Sakura. How have you been? How is Sarada?"
Sakura lightly traced the wood grain on the bar, running her finger along the natural patterns. "I've been better, if we're being honest. Sarada is wonderful. Excelling in school, excited to enroll in the ninja program in a few years. She is my everything, aside from work at the hospital."
"Where is Sarada tonight?"
"Staying at a friends house. Choji and Karui have a daughter and Sarada has become quite close with her," she said as a small smile played on Sakura's features.
Kakashi could see some of the tension leave Sakura's shoulders as she talked about her daughter. "I guess it is nice to have a night off once and awhile," Kakashi said as he shifted his body to face the bar as the bartender came back with both of their drinks. Kakashi grabbed the full sake flask, filled the cup, and slid it over to Sakura. He picked up his glass and flashed her his signature eye crinkle as he softly said, "Cheers."
They both clinked their glasses together and sipped their drink. Sakura glanced sideways at her old sensei, does he ever seem to age? I hope I look that good in my 40s.
Kakashi noticed her glancing at him and gave her another cheerful smile. "So what's been troubling you, Sakura? Must be something significant if you've wandered into my part of town."
Sakura took a breath and looked at the bottles lining the back of the bar. Who else does she have to talk to about all this nonsense? Her best friend, Ino, was living the dream; wonderful husband, secure job, nice house, low-stress life. Not to mention it is hard complaining about your husband to your best friend when your best friend was over-the-heels in love with him for years. Ino would just shove it in her face that she should be grateful - that she won that stupid competition.
Sakura sighed and poured more sake into her cup, "Do you ever feel like you're doing something because you're obligated to?"
Kakashi rocked back in his stool while leaning his head back. "Well, this thing happened a few years ago, when I was asked to be the Hokage…"
Sakura felt a genuine chuckle escape her. She remembered when she heard the news that Kakashi was going to be Hokage. Not that he isn't a capable, responsible, intelligent person, but him?! Though the better part of her relationship with the man was good, he was consistently late, completely guarded with his emotion, and always reading those perverted novels. Needless to say, she never thought she would see him in that position of power; that isn't to say he didn't do a great job at it.
"Kakashi, these feelings that I am having, it's so hard to explain them. I just feel like, I feel like I am drifting through my life. It's almost like I am disappointed with what I have … It makes me feel terrible to say it out loud. I love my daughter. I love my job. But, I feel like there is so much more I could have, that I should have. Am I being selfish?"
Kakashi listened to her dilemma. It wasn't like Sakura to be so negative and to question her life like this, yet a part of him understood. Sakura had been through a lot of heartache. Maybe the outcome of her life just wasn't what she was expecting. How do you explain that you want more from life when you already 'have' everything you've ever wanted.
"You know, it was hard for me when I retired from being Hokage. Who knew I would peak at 28!" Sakura shot him a glare, knowing full well he was not 28 when he retired from being Hokage.
Kakashi continued, "I thought a lot about what I could do from there. What we went through with the war … we should be happy with what we have. With what you and I have accomplished in our lives, it would seem selfish to want more. But Sakura, I understand where you are coming from."
Sakura sat there staring at her cup before looking up at Kakashi. Why is he being so open with me right now? I know we've come close over the past few years, but he's never talked to me like this before … She gave a weak smile to Kakashi, though it quickly fell as she sighed. "Sometimes I feel like I married because of an obligation. I mean, I chased him for so long. I should be happy, right? Plus, who else would have done it?"
"Naruto?" Kakashi quickly answered and they both shared a small laugh.
Sakura's smile came and went in a flash as she continued, "I know he has been forgiven by most, but would someone have taken him? Hell, he probably could have had anyone, but would they have cared for him like I do? Would he have been happier with someone else?" She closed her eyes tight and took a deep breath. Why the hell am I talking about this with him, he doesn't care to hear about this crap. It's my own problem to deal with.
Of course, Kakashi was not ecstatic when he found out about Sakura's new relationship to her longtime crush. It was difficult for Kakashi to come to terms with the fact that it was not his place to scrutinize their relationship. During Kakashi's 'reign' as Hokage, he knew that her husband's absence was mostly of his own choice.
The first time her husband came back to Konoha after the war, he had convinced Sakura to leave with him. When Sakura returned through those gates with a newborn in her hands, anger flooded through Kakashi knowing that her husband would leave again. Since Sakura was left behind with Sarada, Kakashi had never gotten over that resentment he felt towards her husband. He took it upon himself to look after Sakura and Sarada overtly, yet he seemed to have missed how depressed Sakura truly was. Kakashi had to paused for a moment before continuing the conversation.
"Does he even care about you the way you care about him?"
Her eyes shot open to look at Kakashi. What gives him the nerve to ask something like that?! I know that Kakashi and I have become closer over the past few years, but that doesn't give him the right … Of course my husband cares about me … right? I mean, we are married, we have a child together…
But, when was the last time he saw Sarada? When was the last time he told me he loved me? Or held me in his arms? Kissed me? Made love to me? … No, he has a duty not just to the people of Konoha, but to the world. He is protecting everyone. It's selfish of me to be angry at him about this. So selfish …
"Sakura?" Kakashi gently placed his hand on her shoulder out of concerned. He felt her flinch under his touch, and quickly removed it. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You know your friends care about you, me included. If you need to talk about it, I will listen."
The minute his hand made contact with her shoulder, she couldn't help but flinch. Her train of thought was completely broken by that touch. It was the first time someone, a man, had touched her in such a comforting way. When was the last time someone showed any concern for me like this? Why did he have to take his hand away? It felt so nice … he's being way too understanding right now and it's a bit suspicious … or maybe I am just extremely drunk and he really is worried about me…
Her face went through a range of emotions, landing on a soft smile. She looked up at Kakashi and couldn't help her eyes from wandering over his features. The furrow of his brows showing his concern for her, his body somewhat tense and facing in her direction, giving her his full attention. She looked into his dark, charcoal eyes. She felt something so human there and it helped ground her. When was the last time I had this kind of attention from someone? She was so lonely, so confused with everything that was going on in her life. She knew she had pushed away most of her friends and family by diving into her work to try to fill the void. A part of her was happy that she showed up to this quaint bar, that she ran into Kakashi. It was so nice to have someone to talk to. Though, in her intoxicated state it was hard for her to control what she was saying.
"You know, Sarada has no clue who her father is? She only knows what he looks like from pictures and she does not know anything about him. Sometimes I wonder how that is going to affect her in the future. Knowing that you have a father, but he just isn't around. Will she think it was her fault? I want to explain to her why he isn't here - I've tried to explain to her why, but how can I expect a child to know and understand that?"
Kakashi pushed his distaste for her husband aside and offer his support. "I am sure when she is older and she can understand, she will be extremely proud of the accomplishments that her father has made for our country and our world."
"But how will his absence now impact who she is? Will she resent him? Who will teach her about the pride of her clan?"
Kakashi reassured her with a smile, "I don't think you have anything to worry about with Sarada. You are a wonderful person and mother. Naruto and the others will make sure that she knows his accomplishments are what helped build this peaceful world we now live in."
"I guess," Sakura said, but she still had her doubts. I guess Kakashi did have a point. Most people have forgiven him for his betrayal and know that he is repenting for his sins, but why do I still feel this pain?
"I just want my daughter to have a father … I just want to have a husband." The words came tumbling out of her mouth before she really had any thought of it; she just needed to say it aloud. With a sigh, she looked at Kakashi and shrugged. "I never thought it would be this difficult being alone. I waited for him for so long and now that I finally have him, it is nothing like imagined it would be."
Kakashi sat in silence looking at her. He could tell how much she had to drink by her gently swaying body and her eyes that lingered on one place for too long. He knew that she was so extremely pained by this, but could he blame her? Kakashi witnessed the entirety of her and her husband's relationship. Each time he left, each time he hurt her both physically and emotionally. Yet, her love never wavered. Kakashi knew that she would wait for him forever and he couldn't help but think how unfair what was. She deserves so much better. Someone to be there for her and take care of her.
"I just want to feel loved, Kakashi. A deep love. That yearning and devotion. Everything that I have given him, I just want to feel it reciprocated. I need it Kakashi. I feel like it's killing me ..." she paused, taking in a shaky breath. She continued, "... what am I saying, I am sorry for bugging you with this bullshit. You don't need to hear this."
The look in her eyes was so full of sorrow; melancholy emotions spread across her face. Those glassy green eyes pierced through his soul and sent shivers down his spine. After a long moment, she broke their gaze, looking down and ashamed at what she had said. His thoughts were spiraling. How can anyone not love someone like her? Strong, driven, intelligent, beautiful … Kakashi shook his head thinking that the drinks must have started to reach him, too.
"Sakura, I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I am sure that he loves you in his own right. You have to remember everything that he has been through. Love is a difficult emotion for him."
Sakura sat back in her stool and took in Kakashi's words. He was right, he did have to overcome so much. Letting people get close to him was challenging and she understood that. It isn't like she was ungrateful for what she had with him. She appreciated their relationship to some extent, but a part of her just wanted more. Maybe she just needed to get this all off her chest and everything would go back to normal. Hopefully …
"I know he loves me in his own way, but sometimes I feel like I need more. There are just some things that human beings need. Kami, I even started reading some of those damn smutty novels that you love so much because I've been so frustrated!" Sakura threw her hands in the air, then looked around to realize that the bartender and the man down the bar from them were staring at her. She immediately put her hands in her lap as her cheeks went bright red.
His eyes went wide, then squinted in amusement. Though his grin was hidden by his mask, she could tell he was basking in this information. How many times has she scolded me for reading those wonderful books!? I will have to remember this bit information for blackmail in the future. Kakashi huffed and said, "Hey now, those books are about beautiful, ageless romances. There is no shame in reading them! But, I do understand that is part of a relationship. You just have to remember when someone goes through extreme emotional trauma, sometimes that part of a relationship can be … difficult."
"Is it difficult for you, Kakashi?" She said in almost a whisper, looking into his eyes with timid curiosity. Her cheeks flushed from more than just the alcohol.
She looked over his features noting that it was still strange to see him without his sharingan, without a third of his face covered by his mask and his hitai-ate. He always has to be so mysterious … Her gaze lazily moved from the top of the scar on his face down to where it met his mask. It had been a long time since she had wondered what her former sensei's face looked like. I bet he is just as handsome as I've imagined him to be … Sitting so close, she could see the outline of his nose, his chin, his lips … I bet his lips would feel incredible on her skin … She couldn't stop her mind from wandering while she looked over his appearance. She subtly shifted her body towards him and her leg gently brushed against his. Her eyes made their way over his body wishing he wasn't wearing his typical Jonin vest. As she looked at him she could feel the quickening of her breath, the flush on her cheeks, the butterflies in her stomach …
'Is it difficult for you, Kakashi … ' Kakashi was completely taken off guard by her question and uneasy with how she was looking at him. He knew what was happening, yet he couldn't help but watch as her eyes roamed over his body. She truly is mesmerizing. With each second she looked at him, he could feel his heart beat faster. This situation, this feeling, it was dangerous.
He knew that her attraction was misplaced. He also knew she was extremely inebriated. She was lonely and needed the comfort of someone. With an awkward chuckle, he scratched behind his head, "maybe we should talk about something else."
They had a few more drinks and passed the time by reminiscing about the old Team 7; Kakashi being a crappy teacher, Sakura being an overly dramatic cry-baby. Somehow through the night the two of them had gotten comfortably close. Bodies angled towards each other, Kakashi's hand on the back of her stool, their legs lightly touching. The aura between them just felt so carefree.
She moved her hand that was resting on her sake cup and placed it on top of his. She slowly dragged her eyes from where their hands met to see similarly drunken eyes meeting hers. She looked at him with a smile. "Thanks for talking with me tonight."
He could feel her gently rubbing his knuckles back and forth with her thumb. He couldn't help but look into those hazy, green eyes. His eyes trailed her face looking at her cheeks that were lightly rose-tinted, almost matching her petal pink hair. In the middle of her forehead was a mark that embodied all of her accomplishments; her Strength of a Hundred Seal that signaled to the world just how powerful she was. His eyes shifted down her face where he caught her subtly licking her lips before moving back up to her eyes.
In that moment, he could see something in her that he had never seen before. A deep and tempting look that was far too inviting with the amount of drinks they had together. It took everything in him to put on a smile and pull his hand away from hers.
"I think it's time to get you home." Kakashi smiled at the bartender as innocently as he could while he got up, pushed his stool in, and started walking away.
Sakura huffed in disapproval, I guess he still doesn't pay for anything, that bastard. She rolled her eyes and threw a few bills on the bar. At least enough to cover her own drinks. She grabbed her coat and threw it on, walking towards the entrance of the bar, drunkenly swaying a little.
"Are you really going to escort me home, Kaka-sensei?" She said rolling her eyes. Even after all these years he still feels the need to treat me like a child. "I'll be fine walking home by myself."
"I am pretty sure you have no idea where you are right now, Sakura, and you are extremely drunk. I am going to walk you home."
As she walked by Kakashi holding the door, she lightly brushed past him letting her fingers trail along his arm before grabbing the hand that was hanging by his hip. She quickly pulled him out of the bar, taking him by surprise with her sudden change in behavior. Her eyes grew remarkably wide and her face turned to pure joy at the scene in front of them. It looked like a winter wonderland! Snow was falling all around them and looked like it had been doing so for a while now. They both stood in the street, hand in hand, looking up at the sky.
Kakashi looked to Sakura and he could feel his heart begin to hammer in his chest. Never before was he so captivated by a sight and he wished he still had his sharingan to perfectly engrain it in his memory forever. Kami, she is absolutely beautiful. The lights from the city's winter decorations danced in Sakura's eyes as she stood there enamored by the snow. The snowflakes were starting to stick to the strands of her soft, pink hair. Her nose was red at the tip from the cold, a contrast to her porcelain white face. Her lips parted slightly with the slight upturn of a smile. Those extremely kissable lips. Light puffs of breath were escaping her lips and condensing in front of her. He did not know how long he stood there looking at her. It felt like hours though he knew it could not have been more than a minute.
Sakura realized that his attention was on her and she turned to face him. Overcome with emotions from their earlier discussion and this beautiful, wintery scene, she unclasped her hand from his and threw her arms around his neck. She felt Kakashi tense for a moment before he wrapped his arms around her waist. She nuzzled her face into his neck and held him tighter. She took a deep, shaky breath, trying to stave off the tears that were starting to form.
Kakashi knew she held him close because she needed emotional and physical support. He knew she was feeling overwhelmed, abandoned, and depressed. He knew she was leaning on him because he was there and would listen. He knew her affection was misplaced, but right then he did not care. For the first time in a long time, he wanted to be selfish. He wanted this raw emotion directed at himself. He knew it was wrong, but in this moment it felt so right.
Kakashi moved his right hand from her waist up to her hair. He pulled back slightly as she moved her head from the crook of his neck and she dropped her hands, lightly fisting them in his shirt. It took a moment for her to lift her head up to face him. He could see the tears behind her shimmering eyes and it pained him. He shifted the palm of his hand to rest on the side of her face and she closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. The action of closing her eyes pushed tears to fall down her cheek and he used his thumb to wipe them away.
Sakura's mind and body felt numb. How did we get to this point? She did not know what possessed her to wrap her arms around him, to burrow into his neck, or to breath in his scent. She was feeling so many emotions from today and all she wanted to do was be in someone's arms. She wanted to be in Kakashi's arms. She wasn't a fool and she knew he had been looking out for her and Sarada for a while now. When he reciprocated her embrace, she could not help the flood of emotions that escaped her. She could not help the feeling of comfort he provided. She was feeling selfish and she did not care. She needed this and he was providing it to her. All she knew was that she wanted him to be with her now, in this moment.
Sakura took a step back and unballed her fists from his shirt, but did not remove them. She splayed her hands out and moved her right hand down his arm until their fingers were intertwined. She looked up at him and whispered, "I think I'd like you to walk me home now."
This situation, this feeling, it was dangerous indeed.