I needed to post something, and as a result, this came up. Hopefully this will help me get back into the swing of things. This story does not coincide with any other FF I've wrote, and the timeline here is a little messed up.
Thanks to my wonderful beta 3Dphantom.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
And just so you know, the long paragraphs in italics are memories.
It's an odd occurrence to see snow in jump city, especially snow that stuck to the ground as this snow did, but it was not impossible as the weather proved once again by dusting the earth with a few inches of the wet substance. One thing I didn't miss about Gotham was the dreadful winters. The skies hung with heavy grey as they emptied down on earth, making the midday feel like late afternoon. That just made everything seem a little more depressing.
'The world is not a happy place, Robin.'
I walk by myself through the cemetery, way underdressed for the cold and December weather, and regretting my choice in clothes. Water had slipped through the shoes and the bottom of my jeans were soaked with melted snow, the wind ripped right through my hoodie and chilled me through the bone. I didn't mind all that much, I intended to make this quick and I'd probably change into my uniform as soon as I got back to the tower anyway.
I made my way down the slush-filled path, passing only a few others lingering around graves. It felt bad to see them mourning so close to the holidays, only three days after Christmas. Towards the end of the cemetery was the grave, a relatively new grave sitting just in front of the forest, signally the end of the graveyard. I go here to see this grave, though I was sure I wouldn't be mourning like the few other people I had seen.
I looked around to make sure I was alone, I was almost positive one of my teammates would follow. I had told them where I was going, but they never believed me anymore. They didn't trust me like they use to, and I didn't blame them. Infact, I felt lucky they forgave me for what I had done just a few months before.
I didn't see anyone, just the shallow and white covered hills. I shivered and reminded myself to make this quick, the weather was getting to me.
The grave in front of me clearly read Slade Wilson. There was no memoir beneath it, no kind words or loving quotes. No one would be able to tell that Slade Wilson was a wild killer, an sadistic mercenary. No one could tell, and I couldn't decide if that was good or bad. I want the world to hate Slade with me, but I can realise it's best if they never truly know of his actions.
The snow around the grave is disturbed, but I assume it is from one of the family members. Slade mentioned having an ex, I imagine she visits the grave sight every now and then... I don't want to think about any kind of family he had.
'We're so alike Robin.' I can still hear his voice in my head, I can practically hear him pointing out my every flaw. I know he isn't really speaking, that it's only my conscious persisting on bringing back bad memories. I hate the memories.
I hate this man. Hate his guts, and if the man were alive, I'd kill him again. I couldn't help but remember the beatings, the training, the brain washing and all the blood on my own hands. I can recall almost every horrific moment of the ten months that I spent with this monster.
"We are nothing alike!" I yelled at him again, hoping he'd realize it this time just because my voice was louder. Man, I used to be dence.
"Oh really?" Slade started, inching closer and setting off warning bells in my head. "Tell me Robin, how are we not similar?"
'Not this again,' I thought, knowing he was about to go on listing how we were alike, and the worst part was he was right. I couldn't handle it again, didn't want to hear it. He started talking but I lunged at him with full intent of planting my fist in his face. My fist never got their. He grabbed it and twisted, forcing me to flop on the floor at my knees if I didn't want a broken arm.
"Come on Now Robin. You have to do better than that." He let go of my arm and I spun around to give him a kick in the jaw. He blocked and threw me aside and waited for me to attack again. This went on for another few minutes, all the while he was pointing out my flaws.
"Faster Robin." I tried attacking faster.
"That one was desperate." That was my best shot.
"Is this all you got boy?" And it was. That was my one hundred percent. At some point, I realized it was useless and stopped. I stood in front of him and looked up, waiting to see his reaction, preparing myself for my punishment.
He cracked his knuckles. "My turn."
...
He left me bleeding out on the floor, just under the turning gears he seems to be so obsessed with. I knew the blood flow was already easing, and come morning he would be here cleaning me up, but it still hurt. The knowing this was a situation I couldn't control, and unlike with every other kidnapping ever, Batman wasn't there to save my ass. It hurt knowing that this beating wouldn't be the last.
"I...h-h-hate you slade." I managed to slur out as I accepted defeat.
And yet, after all that, I still found myself at the man's grave, missing him, damn near mourning over him. Sure I am mad at him, I wished Slade was here so I could beat him with his own hands and yell and scream at him all the things I didn't get to. But I could clearly identify longing within this inner turmoil of emotions.
My emotions kept flip flopping, I couldn't decide on what I was doing here, and my thoughts kept contradicting each other, but I couldn't lie to myself. I did miss Slade. He wasn't always a heartless bastard, just most of the time. There were times when he was tolerable.
I muttered under my breath a long string of curse words as I cut myself on the exacto knife. Slade was teaching me to make explosions, and it turns out they are much more exact and complicated than I thought, well, at least Slade's are. I have seen some pretty amateur bombs, and it was clear Slade's were not like those, and therefore, mine couldn't be like those.
"Having trouble?" Slade asked from behind me, he was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper, his mask was off, making him appear much more human. It was so much easier to talk to him without the mask.
"How do you do this again?" I asked, sounding confident. I had been his apprentice for six months at this point, and things had gotten easier.
He peered over the paper and smirked. "Not like that..." He reached over to help me. I flinched away at first and he chuckled a bit. He took the device from my hand and tinkered with it a bit before he decided it would just be best for me to start over.
"I'll help you this time." He directed me through the steps, he had to guide my hands a few times because I had no clue what I was doing.
Even though he was helping me put together a bomb, a thing used to kill people, I felt oddly at peace. Slade was being nice, perhaps even fatherly.
After the apprentice fiasco, I can recall mentioning to Cyborg about having trouble adjusting again, and yes, even missing and talking almost fondly of Slade at points. Cyborg later identified and told me I was experiencing Stockholm Syndrome.
Thats right, on top of the obvious PTSD and periodical depression I can add Stockholm Syndrome.
My team told me it wasn't my fault, and that it was okay, they still accept me and we could work through this, but it wasn't. It wasn't okay, and it was all my "master's" fault. It was his fault I'm not able to function properly, that I wasn't able to sleep at night, and that I am a trained killing machine destined to snap someday. Just the other day Raven had to pull me off another man to stop me from beating him to death. The news reporters had a field day with that.
'You sick, twisted Bastard.' Out of a especially high moment of anger, I dared myself to spit on the grave, disrespecting my sworn enemy even more.
The irony was obvious. One of the first conversations we had as master and apprentice was of respect.
"So, what do I call you now?" I asked awkwardly. I had just learned Slade's Identity, and I didn't know what to call him. Mr. Wilson? Slade? Sir? Anything but master.
He looked slightly annoyed that this needed to be discussed. "You may call me what you wish for now, but-"
"Then I will call you bastard." I smirked. Slade's arm shot out so fast, I couldn't see it till it was wrapped half way across my neck. I flailed around in an attempt to get out of the death grip, but to no avail. The guy seemed to be made of stone.
"Care to repeat that apprentice?" I couldn't answer, and he knew it. I made a choking noise at him. "I think you and me need to have a little talk about respect." I was tossed across the room.
"I am the master." A hit in the gut. "You will treat me as such. " I kicked away from him.
"You do as I say." He placed a foot on my chest. I clawed at it anxiously. "And Apprentice, don't you dare betray me, you won't like the consequences." He stomped on my chest and gave me a swift kick in the head. "You will not get any respect until I do, and till then, you can be treated like a dog." I rolled away and nearly puked from the dizziness and overwhelming metallic smell of blood.
"Anything you want to say?"
"No... Sir." I still couldn't bring myself to say master.
Another harsh blow of wind brought me back. Good thing too, another memory and PTSD would've kicked in, or maybe just other flashbacks. I reminded myself to make this quick.
I brought a flower out of my pocket and leaned down to place it on the grave. Yeah, I know, girly and wrong considering he is my mortal enemy, but I had to put something there, to show I still remembered, to show I was sorry.
I was sorry. I regretted it so much. I'm still not sure If I even meant to or not, everything happened in the spur of the moment.
Another fight on Wayne Enterprises, except this time it wasn't for stealing. I'm not stupid, I know at this point Slade is just trying to show me off, prove that he could tame me, and he has.
The thing is, it wasn't just the Titans that showed up. Batman was there, the man I use to consider my father figure, was here. I wanted to scream at him and punch him for not showing up earlier. He was suppose to save me, he always would save me, but it was too late now. I really was Slade's apprentice.
I felt like another one of his robots at times. The big S on my uniform wasn't helping. I felt like an owned object, and I was pissed Bruce didn't come earlier to make sure this didn't happen. I had waited and waited for him to save me, and now he was here to do so, but it was much too late.
"Bruce..." I whispered helplessly, no one being able to hear me. The Titans stood by the other end of the roof, they had their hands up and were inching closer, trying to seem as least threatening as possible.
Batman stood by the edge of the building, his cape billowing around him, creating dramatic effect. Seeing both my team and mentor turned my blood cold with anxiety. I knew this would be a time to chose sides again.
I turned to Slade to see what he would have me do. He simply whispered in my ear, "You get the Titans, remember your gun." I had a handgun in a holder at my hip that suddenly felt heavier than led. I just nodded, but I knew I wouldn't have the heart to use it on them. Though I had perfect aim and skill with guns, Bruce's lessons on not using them still remained drilled into my head. I must of signed or something to gain slade's attention again.
"Can you do this?" My masters voice rang in my ear. He was beginning to realize that this may be a situation I couldn't handle, couldn't win. My old mentor being here was to much.
I looked up to him and nodded weakly. Now would be a good time to prove myself, but I really couldn't. Slade sensed this even though I nodded.
"Just keep the Titans busy for a bit and I'll see what I can do with Batman, when I give you the signal, run Renegade." I hated it when he used my new name. He motioned to my gun, reminding me to use it when necessary.
I looked over to the side of the roof again, to Batman, and I nearly fell apart. He was speaking to me, but I just couldn't make out the words. I couldn't hear anyone talking over the sound of my heart panicking in my chest. With a burst of adrenaline pumping through my veins, I launched myself at the Titans.
I could see Slade busy himself with Batman, and I caught myself hoping, if only for a second, Slade would win. Thats crazy, I know, but I did. Then I remembered the previous ten months, the living hell that makes me, and then I realized, this would be a perfect time.
In the beginning, I was looking for every opportunity to get away. Eventually I just kind of gave up, I decided there was no hope, but now was there was.
I landed in between Beast Boy and Cyborg, who already had his mouth open and was telling me I didn't have to do this. I did, at least for a bit.
I threw a green mountain goat at Raven, and they both went tumbling to the side. I dodged a week starbolt and sent a fist to Cyborg's face. He blocked it, but I just flipped onto his back and used it as a springboard to get to Starfire.
One look at her face and I couldn't do it. In the air I turned around and landed back on Beast Boy, who jumped about as a big cat. Raven threw a chunk of roof at me, which I avoided and it hit Cyborg.
I looked over briefly to see Slade battling Bruce, they moved like lightning, at a pace I nor any of the Titans would be able to compete with. Batman had a sharp projectile in his hand, and I when I saw Slade reaching for the handgun he carries at his waist, I freaked.
I lost focus and sprawled to the ground when I was trying to take another hit at Starfire. "Rob!" I don't know which one called out for me, but I answered with a grunt and flipped up just in time to dodge a sad looking hyena and a hit with a clump of black and glowing bricks and then have to dodge another blue laser thing.
When I was sailing through the air and should've been preparing for an impact, I saw an opening. I Grabbed my gun, and with a shaky hand I shot without thinking. For all I know, I was aiming for Cyborg's head, and missed over his shoulder. I could of been aiming for Batman, but my hand was just shaky. But I hit Slade.
The world seemed to freeze for a moment. I hit the ground roughly, with my shoulder blade scraping along, making the only other sound.
Slade froze as blood dribbled out of a wound in his head. "Renegade..." And then he fell over the edge of the building, all the way down Wayne Enterprises and to the pavement. He landed with an audible crunch, a crunch like the sound when my parents fell.
That sound makes it's way into all of my nightmares, even the ones that don't include Deathstroke in the slightest.
Everyone had froze at the sound of a gun, and they let me make my way over to the side of the building where I peered down to see him sprawled on the pavement. I puked soon after, the realization that I had just killed a man sunk in, but so much stress left my body just knowing it was over. IT WAS OVER. My emotions undertook me and next thing I know, tears I didn't even know I could still produce spilled out.
I wasn't his apprentice anymore, and I didn't feel like Robin either. I looked to my team, and then to my mentor and shrugged. "What now?"
Yeah, that was how the great and all powerful Deathstroke met his end. Unlike last time, when he fell in a pit of freaking lava, he won't be coming back. When I was his apprentice he did tell me about his powers briefly, and as far as I can tell, he won't be able to repair his body from what I saw, (bullet to the brain and falling several stories).
But then again, he came back after falling in a pit of lava. At this point you'd think he could regenerate his cells and come back from anything. It's nonsense I know, I saw the body, the next day at the funeral I saw them lower the (Closed) casket.
Closed... No one ever checked the casket... Come on Grayson, you're being ridiculous.
He was dead, and I wanted him dead, but at the same time I need him here to yell at him and ask him why me. Why me?
'You know the answer Robin.' Like hell I do.
I wipe my eyes and realize I had been crying, just barely, but if anyone noticed it would've been embarrassing. The cold is getting unbearable and I know I should leave, but I can't. I feel drawn to the area, as though somehow if I feel miserable enough around the grave it'll right my wrong. It sounds asinine, I know, but I feel as though I need to do something.
"Nice to know I've been missed." I can't imagine what Slade would do if he saw me crying like this. Either something oddly parent-like or a good wallop to the head for being a wimp.
I peer into the dense brush surrounding the grave. As far as the citizens knew, Slade Wilson was a nobody, with no family, so he was to be burried in the back of the cemetery by the woods, all the other more visually pleasing spots went to deceased family and those who would be remembered. I can't help but think how easy it would be to hide in the underbrush, Slade and Batman taught me really good hiding skills.
'What would you be hiding from, Robin?' Shut up voice. It was starting to sound realer than usual, I blamed my out-of-sorts emotions.
I mutter a few curses under my breath, and kick the flower out from underneath the snow. The ground felt uneven, but I thought nothing of it. "Merry Christmas, you twisted Bastard." I feel obligated to say more, to let the poison drip off my tongue, but I don't. He couldn't hear me.
'Thats not very nice Robin.' Shut up. The voice in my head sounded so real.
I turn around and try to forget everything again, and I start to walk away. I need to stop coming to the grave, I need to forget about it. Maybe whatever horrible movie Beast Boy wanted to watch would take my mind of things, or maybe Starfire's cooking. I best head back to the tower and change into better clothes.
Someone clearing their throat behind me makes me whirl around, eyes still wet and burning.
"You know you're placing flowers on an empty grave, Robin? Besides, I much rather prefer daffodils." Its that fucking voice in my head, only this time, it's not my head. I can't decide weather to punch and hit him with a tantrum or to hug him and beg for forgiveness.
"Lost your tongue Robin? Thats so unlike you." Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! You can't be here!
"..." You have to be in my head, you have to be in my head! I looked around for him.
"Just like last time, I'm back Robin. Miss me?" Yes, no, I don't know.
Thanks for reading. I tried to make it unclear whether it was a voice in Robins head, or the actual Slade. Hope you could get that, and you can decide which it is. Please review and tell me which you think it is, or if there are mistakes I could fix.