Cyclops: Alright X-men, I have received orders to intensify our training as of today.
Storm: Is our planet in danger?
Wolverine: Are we facing a new, stronger enemy?
Angel: Are we strengthening ourselves against an impending viral epidemic?
Cyclops: No. It's because... because...
Rogue: Yes?
Cyclops: Some of us... I CAN'T SAY IT!
Gambit: Spit it out, man! We can take it!
Cyclops: ...Some of us... are starting to look bad in our uniforms.
(All) GASP!
Cyclops: I'm afraid it's true. A few are having trouble getting into them.
(Rogue screams, Bishop blinks in horror, Shadowcat faints dead away)
Cyclops: Are we all in agreement then?
(Unanimous acquiescence, except from Shadowcat)
Cyclops: Alright then. The Professor has modified the Danger Room so he can control the simulations simply by thinking them up. Whatever he thinks, will be.
(Danger room door opens)
Cyclops: Let's go.
(Professor Xavier emerges from Gambit's room with an empty bottle of bourbon and an evil grin)
Cyclops: What's the first simulation, Professor?
Xavier: SHADDAP YA WHINY FOUR-EYES BOY SCOUT! I'LL TELL YA WHEN I MAKE THE SIMMILASHUN!
Cyclops: ...Professor, are you alright?
Xavier: I'M PERFECTLY FINE! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
Cyclops: I think it's safe to say something's wrong with the Professor.
Gambit: My Cajun sense is tingling...
Rogue: Gambit, I had my shower hours ago.
Gambit: Not dat one! My BOOZE senses!
Xavier: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUDGE ME?
Cyclops: This was obviously a mistake. Let's just abort the session and leave quietly through the-
Storm: Erm, Cyclops, he has locked the door.
Cyclops: Aw crap.
Beast: Judging by the Professor's uncharacteristically aggressive and defensive manner and by his difficulty in articulation I can logically conclude that he exhibits the characteristics of being severely inebriated.
Wolverine: Ya mean, he's drunk.
Nightcrawler: Mein Gott!
Beast: My stars and garters...
Gambit: MY BOOZE!
Cyclops: Alright. Let's not panic.
(All of a sudden a good two thousand Sentinels descend upon our heroes)
Bishop: Permission to panic, sir.
Cyclops: Alrighty then.
(All) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Random Sentinels: Halt Mutant!
(Sentinels start blasting the ever loving crap out of the X-men, who escape into a sewer)
Gambit: Eeeeewww! Dis place is disgusting!
Wolverine: At least you don't have heightened senses! I'm going to cry, this stinks so much!
Cyclops: Gather around, team. We have to be on guard against a new threat.
Rogue: Well, at least all the dookie's goin' away...
Storm: What?
Jubilee: She's right! The sewers are emptying!
Angel: Where's it all going?
Iceman: Look! (points in direction of outflow, where it seems to be gathering. Suddenly, a giant form made entirely of you-know-what rears its head and rises from the pool of shit)
Nightcrawler: Scheisse!
Gambit: Merde!
Sewage beast: You are both correct. Those are only two of many names for my children, however. But united as one, we are... King Poo!
(Author shakes her head in bemused disbelief at her lack of creativity)
Beast: OK, now that is unnecessarily disgusting.
Wolverine: MY OLFACTORIES!
Gambit: Any ideas how we goin' t' get past His Excremency, Cyke?
Xavier: Hehehehhehhh... giant poo...
Cyclops: I have an idea! Let's go back the way we came.
Jean: You mean back out to the Sentinels? Are you feeling OK?
Cyclops: Just trust me.
Jean: Alright, but as soon as we're done here, I think I'm going to have to scan your head.
(Gambit snorts back laughter)
Beast: And I should like to examine you physically as well.
(Gambit begins shaking and covering his face)
Scott: Oh shut up! Now hurry everyone! Follow me!
(Group runs from King Poo and back the way they came and climb back up to the surface)
Random Sentinels: Halt Mutants!
King Poo: (bursts through passage) BLAAAAAAAAAARRGGH!
Random Sentinels: Identifying new object...
Random Sentinel: It appears to be...
(Other sentinels stare expectantly)
Random Sentinel: ...
(A few sentinels begin snickering)
Random Sentinel: ...It appears to be a being made... MFFF... a being made of... HAHAHAHAAA! OH MY GOD! IT'S MADE OF CRAP, EVERYONE! AHAHAHAHAAAA!
(Sentinels all break out laughing)
"I KNEW he couldn't say it with a straight face!" "HAHAHAHAA! THAT IS SO GROSS!" "That's one for the archives..." "Wait til the guys back at Mastermold hear about this!"
(Sentinels all fly off in a disorganized rabble. King Poo, very much insulted and hurt, crawls back into the sewers, dissolving into relatively harmless sewage.)
X-men: Yay!
Professor X: AHAHAHAAA! I MADE IT BE MADE OF POO! HAHAHAHAAA!
Cyclops: Alright, the Professor's just warming up. Who knows what he'll do next...
Xavier: Ok, ok, I got one! Ummm... now you have to fight... an unbeatable laser dog!
(cute little puppy comes bounding out to greet our heroes)
Jubilee: Awwwww! Lookit the little sweetie! You're a cute lil guy, ain't ya? (picks up puppy)
Cyclops: Jubilee, no!
(Puppy barks, and laser shoots out, nearly wiping out half the team)
Jubilee: Did you make a laser beam? Baaad puppy!
(Puppy whines and cringes)
Cyclops: Jubilee, put the puppy down.
Jubilee: Awww, but look, he's sorry...
(Puppy barks, and another laser shoots out, narrowly missing a few X-men)
Cyclops: Bad dog! No!
Shadowcat: Come on, Cyclops, you can't be mad at a puppy, can you?
Nightcrawler: He doesn't know any better.
Cyclops: I don't care how cute he is. He's a danger to us all. Put him down.
(Puppy growls at Cyclops)
Jubilee: You're scaring him! (clutches him tighter)
Cyclops: I'm not telling you again, Jubilation, put him down!
(Puppy barks at Cyclops, knocking him down and turning him into smouldering wreckage)
Cyclops: Owwwwwwww...
Jubilee: Serves you right, ya big bully...
Xavier: You got beaten by a puppy! Bwahahaha! Ok, what next? Ummm...
Colossus: Oh this is very good, ze Professor ees thinking again...
Storm: I suggest patience until the Professor regains his senses.
Xavier: Patience? I'll show you patience! In fact, I'll MAKE you patients!
(Giant scalpel-wielding doctor appears, grinning maniacally.)
Doctor: THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU KNOW!
(Wolverine, Gambit, and Angel all squirm uncomfortably)
Cyclops: You sissies! It's just the doctor! The doctor's your friend! He helps you!
Wolverine: Not the one I met...
Gambit: An' apparently, not de one we're meeting now. See, dis needle stickin' outta my forehead is a good example of dat...
Doctor: (pulls out surgical instruments) Time to operate!
(A/N - I work in an animal hospital and believe me when I say some of the surgical instruments I've seen look quite unpleasant. Especially for femur head surgeries...shudders)
(Group takes one look at instruments and flees in holy terror)
Xavier: Where you going?
(Group runs smack into giant drill-wielding dentist)
Dentist: Say aaahhh!
(Group:) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Cyclops: Oh for crying out loud. It's a dentist! What's he going to do, fill in your cavities?
Iceman: Obviously Mr. Perfect never had braces.
Beast: Or wisdom teeth extracted.
Angel: Or a root canal.
Cyclops: Shut up!
Shadowcat: If you're so brave, Cyclops, why don't YOU face them?
Cyclops: There's still the small matter of them being 15 feet tall.
Xavier: Ok, now the only way to beat them is... to sing! You gotta sing... ummm... something by... Queen!
Cyclops: sigh OK. Fine. Ahem..
Is this the real life,
Is this just fanta-
Xavier: No, not Bohemian Rhapsody! That would be too easy. Try something else. Oh wait, I know! Here!
(Karaoke machine appears out of nowhere. Cyclops reads title of song.)
(Cyclops calls the others in for a huddle. A few moments of whispering, then they clap their hands simultaneously and say BREAK!)
(A/N Henceforth all underlined verses are sung by the group, non-underlined is Cyclops only)
Here we are
Born to be kings
We're the princes of the universe
Here we belong
Fighting to survive
In a world with the darkest power
(Doctor and Dentist stop their charge immediately and stare, transfixed)
And here we are
We're the princes of the universe
Here we belong, fighting for survival,
We've come to be the rulers of your world
(Everybody starts crooning in the background)
I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings.
I have no rival. No man can be my equal.
Take me to the future of your world.
(Encouraged by the cheering of his X-men, Cyclops begins to get into the song)
Born to be kings. Princes of the universe.
Fighting and free. Got your world in my hand.
I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand.
We were born to be princes of the universe.
No man could understand.
My power is in my own hand.
Ooh.Ooh.Ooh.Ooh.
People talk about you.
People say you've had your day.
I'm a man that will go far.
Fly the moon and reach for the stars.
With my sword and head held high.
Got to pass the test first time, yeah.
I know that people talk about me I hear it every day.
But I can prove you wrong 'cause I'm right first time.
(To much applause, Cyclops simulates air-guitar solo. Doctor and Dentist have fallen to the ground. Somewhere in heaven Freddie Mercury wakes up screaming.)
Here we are.
Born to be kings.
We're the princes of the universe.
Here we belong.
Born to be kings.
Princes of the universe,
Fighting and free.
Got the world in my hands.
I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand.
We were born to be princes of the universe
(X-men all cheer and bodysurf Cyclops over felled bodies of Doctor and Dentist, who were defeated by the awesomeness of anything to do with Queen. Our heroes leave triumphantly.)
Xavier: Damn! Now I'm gonna have that song stuck in my head.
Jubilee: Wow, Scott, I didn't know you could sing like that!
Shadowcat: That was awesome!
Cyclops: Yeah, yeah, thanks everyone. That was pretty fun.
Xavier: Not so fast! Now... you have to... aha! I got it!
(Giant evil twinkie bursts through the wall) GRAAAAHHHH!
Cyclops: Oh for the love of...
Beast: SQUEEEEEEE!
Twinkie: Grahh?
(Beast launches himself towards twinkie and downs it in 30 seconds flat)
Storm: By the Goddess, I think I'm going to be sick!
Angel: MY EYES HAVE BEEN FOREVER SOILED!
Wolverine: Even I'm horrified by this.
Gambit: Must... find... number... fo' therapist...
Xavier: Whyyyy? Why did I just do that?
Cyclops: Because you're completely and utterly plastered?
Xavier: Oh yeah.
Jubilee: ...I can still hear him screaming...
Xavier: Oh wait! I got another one! This will be your final challenge!
(Floor shakes, falling away into several uneven levels with gaps in between. Up top sits old-school, three-shades-of-grey Donkey Kong.
Donkey Kong: (bad, buzzy sound) dzzzz dzzzz Dzzzz dzzz DZZzzZZzzZZzzZZZ!
Iceman: Hah! I spent countless hours playing Donkey Kong! The barrels should be no problem for the flyers, and I can just freeze any flames that come up from behind-
Xavier: Oh did I mention that I've negated all your powers?
Rogue: ... (turns towards Gambit)
Gambit: Oh merde!
Rogue: GLOMP!
Wolverine: HOLY CRAP IN A HANDBASKET! She almost got me! I was standing right next to him and everything!
Jean: No, Rogue! He's not supposed to bend that way!
Nightcrawler: Mein Gott!
Beast: Inconceivable!
Storm: ...Alright Jubilee, you officially have to leave the room now.
Cyclops: ...I think we all officially have to leave the room now...
Donkey Kong! Bzzt bzzt! Bzzt bzzt! (Translation: Hel-LOO! Giant barrel-wielding pixilated ape all up in here! C'mon guys!)
Cyclops: Let's just focus on Donkey Kong for now, because I'm certainly not getting in Rogue's way. To the top, X-men!
(Our heroes bravely make their way up the levels, leaping over barrels and avoiding the leaping flames closing in from behind them. Cyclops reaches the hammer and, as the familiar, adrenaline-inspiring song rings out, pummels the hapless barrels that dare to roll in front of him.)
Donkey Kong: Bzzt bzzt! Bzzt bzzt! (Translation: Curses! I hate that hammer!)
Cyclops: Aha! We've finally gotten to the top platform! Your barrels can't reach us here!
Iceman: Umm... we've made it to the top... but where's the princess?
Xavier: Huh?
Iceman: You know! The princess! We're supposed to rescue her, but there's nothing here. What was the purpose of climbing all the way-
Xavier: SHUT UP! (drops elevator from next level on Bobby's head)
(Bobby cartwheels around in place, screaming a blood-curdling death ditty, then lies motionless on the ground as a halo appears over his nose. A somber four-note death dirge briefly buzzes out of the computer's internal speakers.)
Bobby: Hah! I got two mans left! ...But now I'm at the bottom of the screen again.
Donkey Kong: Bzzt bzzt! Bzzt bzzt! (Translation: With that crazy chick and her victim.)
Gambit: Help! Dis my last man!
Xavier: Oh fine, just because I'm so nice...
(Gambit now has 99 mans)
Gambit: Haha! Now I don' have t' worry... 'bout dyin... fo' a long... loooong... time...
Rogue: Alright! I gots me 99 more Gambits to love!
Cyclops: You are a cruel man, Professor.
Xavier: …We're the princes of the universe…