Romeo and Juliet: The Cheap Version.
Verona, Italy
Act I, Scene I
Capulets: We hate Montagues.
Montagues: Well, we hate you guys too.
Capulets: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!
Montagues: OH YES WE DID!
CAPULETS: OH IT'S ON, BITCHES!
*They fight*
Benvolio: Dude, like WTF? Silence the violence, increase the peace!
Tybalt: NO! DIE, BITCH!
Lord Capulet: Oh, look! It's a fight! Yo bitch, get me my sword!
Lady Capulet: *facepalms herself* Oh God…here we go again.
Lord Montague: *has same reaction as Capulet*
Lady Capulet: Don't you dare! *bitch-slaps her husband*
All: Le gasp!
*Prince Escalus enters*
Prince: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE?
Snape: You can't steal my line! That's absurd!
Prince: GTFO and go wash your hair, you overgrown bat!
Benvolio: BUUUURN! Gimme some fin! *high-5s Prince* Noggin! *They bump heads*
Benvolio and Prince: Duuude.
Prince: Anyhoodle, if I catch y'all fighting again, YOU DIE.
Capulet and Montague: FUUUUCK.
Montague: Hey Benny, where's Romeo?
Benvolio: Don't call me that.
Montague: I'LL CALL YOU WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT! I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE!
Benvolio: Then why did I find several dresses and wigs in your closet?
Montague: Um…Mercutio left them here when he was hanging with Romeo.
Benvolio: Riiiight.
Montague: Well, he does like to dress in drag.
Benvolio: True dat.
Montague: So where's Romeo?
Benvolio: Are you that deaf that you can't hear the screamo music coming from his windows?
Montague: Dude, it's the 1500s. Stereos and screamo hasn't even been invented yet.
Benvolio: Oh yeah…well, he's pretty angsty.
Montague: Fuck.
Benvolio: *barges into Romeo's room*
Romeo: *hitting head against wall* Angst. Angst. Angst.
Benvolio: Hey, Ro, what's up?
Romeo: *Still hitting head against wall* Angst. Angst. Angst.
Benvolio: …You okay?
Romeo: *bursts into tears* S-S-SHE HAAAATES ME! AND I LOVE HER!
Benvolio: Oh Jesus…what girl is it this time?
Romeo: R-Rosaline.
Benvolio: Rosaline…dude, I thought you'd gotten over your crush after she bitch-slapped you for trying to get in her pants.
Romeo: No…'cause she just wants to be a stupid virgin for the rest of her life. Like Madonna.
Benvolio: Hate to break it to ya, sweetheart, but Madonna wasn't a virgin.
Romeo: *tears start filling his eyes again*
Benvolio: Oh, shit… You know what? Let's put on some nice, happy music! Like the Beatles. *presses shuffle on Romeo's iPod*
Beatles: And I love her…
Benvolio: …or not. *presses shuffle again*
Whitney Houston: AND IIIIIIIIIIII-EEEEE-IIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOU!
Benvolio: *frantically presses shuffle*
Stevie Wonder: Isn't she lovely! Isn't she wonderful…
Romeo: I thought this song was about a baby.
Benvolio: It is.
Romeo: *starts sniffling* Babies…Rosaline and I would've had pretty babies together…
Benvolio: *facepalms self* Craptastic.
Romeo: *crying hysterically*
Benvolio: Hey Romeo, you know what? I got some Ben & Jerry's just for you!
Romeo: OMG WHAT FLAVOR?
Benvolio: Feeling Sorry For Myself Strawberry Swirl.
Act I, Scene 2
Capulet: Yo, Paris, make my daughter want to have your babies.
Paris: Can't I just marry her now? Then we can make babies sooner.
Capulet: HOW DARE YOU TRY TO DE-FLOWER MY DAUGHTER! SHE'S ONLY THIRTEEN FRAGGIN' YEARS OLD!
Paris: But but but…there are fuckin' twelve-year-olds that are married!
Capulets: They're sluts.
Paris: And your daughter won't be?
Capulet: DID YOU JUST CALL MY DAUGHTER A SLUT?
Paris: Shitfuck.