This is my take on the nightmare Deeks mentioned in episode Come Back. Everything belongs to the creators of NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles.
The Torturous Nightmare
The warehouse was dark from the lack of light. His wrists were sore and bleeding from his restraints. Red blood stained his white shirt. His teeth ached from the pain that had been drilled into him. He didn't know how long he had been unconscious for, and that worried him. Quickly letting his eyes adjust to the darkness, he scanned the surrounding area that encircled him.
As his blue eyes scanned every inch of the warehouse his heart soon entered his throat. The space behind the glass doors was empty. Sam wasn't with him. Detective Marty Deeks was forced to endure his torture . . . alone. The detective instincts that he usually listens to more than his own mother were screaming at him to escape and run away. However, the pain was too much.
Minutes passed. Hours came and went.
Deeks wasn't sure exactly how long he was tied to that chair for, although he did know that he wanted out. He wanted out of that chair, out of that room, and most importantly, out of this warehouse.
The sound of the door slamming shook the detective from his thoughts. Isaak Sidorov entered the warehouse accompanied by several men. They each seemed quite pleased to find Deeks awake. The Russian's smile widened as he took in the detective.
"Where's Sam?" Deeks demanded. "What have you done with him?"
"He must be hallucinating," Sidorov whispered to his men. "The pain must be making him think someone is here with him. When in reality his mind is breaking, and we will be putting him through even more torture then before, especially since he has no back up to rescue him. With his mental state worsening, we will be getting the answers we need in no time."
No back up? Deeks thought. No! He had backup. Where was Callen? What about Hetty? And Granger? Where was Kensi? She wouldn't leave him.
His thoughts were soon interrupted by Sidorov's laughter. Sidorov's men brought forward sever large buckets of water along with a towel. Deeks' stomach sank.
Please for the love of God, Deeks prayed. Don't let this happen.
"Begin," Sidorov ordered.
His men stepped forward and one stood behind Deeks and wrapped the towel around his face while also keeping him still. Two of the others stepped forward and picked one of the buckets and slowly dumped the water out of the bucket and onto Deeks face.
Deeks couldn't breathe. Water filled his nose and lungs. He began to choke from the lack of air that was unable to enter his system. He tried to cough in an attempt to clear his throat, but the water wouldn't exit his system fast enough.
Suddenly as if it was a flash of lightning, Deeks was no longer the one getting tortured. The old, blind Afghani was strapped to the chair as water blocked his air supply. Deeks looked down only to find himself in the clothes of Issak Sidorov. He watched the Russians torture the man and he did nothing to stop it.
It was official. Detective Marty Deeks had become Issak Sidorov.
A scream ripped through Deeks' throat. He was half sitting up in bed trying to collect his erratic breathing into steady puffs of air. He noticed that his bed was wet from a mixture of sweat and tears. His lungs ached as he gasped for air.
It was a dream. He realized still trying to calm his breathing. It was just a dream.
Once his breathes begin to exit his body at a somewhat steady pace, he made sure to glance at the other side of the bed. Kensi had decided to spend the night at her own apartment tonight since she and Nell were having a 'girl's night.' She didn't know what time she would be returning home and didn't want to wake him.
Deeks stole a glance at the alarm clock on his nightstand to discover that it was only four o'clock in the morning. The sun wouldn't even begin to rise for another hour or so. He knew though. He would never be able to fall back asleep after that nightmare. Throwing aside his comforter, Deeks crawled out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.
He was going to be very early for work.
The detective sat at his desk catching up on his paperwork as Callen entered the bullpen. The team leader was almost always first to enter work, and usually if it wasn't him then it was his partner, Sam Hanna. It was only seven thirty in the morning so Callen was very surprised to see the young LAPD liaison.
"Deeks," Callen nodded to his coworker.
Callen watched as he nodded his head in acknowledgement, but didn't say anything. He noted that something must be going on with the detective. Sure, Deeks' attendance record had improved since he and Kensi had become official, but he still wasn't one to be early, just more or less on time. Also, he almost never greeted anything without any type of joke or witty remark.
Something was definitely up.
As Callen sat at his desk and began to finish up his paperwork from the night before, he made a point to study Deeks. His blonde shaggy hair cut was in worse disarray then most mornings which was actually quite shocking to admit. His blue eyes were surrounded by bags that could only be associated with a sleepless night. The young detective looked worse for wear.
The two remained quiet until others finally began to enter the mission. Employees slowly began to trickle in. Sam entered the bullpen next, although Kensi was not that far behind him.
"Deeks! Where have you been?" Kensi asked once she noticed him at his desk. "I tried calling you like five times this morning."
He slowly lifted his head from his paperwork and muttered a small "Sorry," before lowering his head to continue.
She cast a shocked glance at the two senior agents. They both looked just as surprised as her. He usually would have flashed a smirk and a remark about her wanting to get some 'Deeks time' before work.
"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly.
"Fine," he muttered not looking up from his paperwork.
"You sure about that, Deeks?" Callen asked him. "I mean, you look like you had a run in with ten PSB's."
"PSB?" Sam asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I'll explain later," Callen told his partner before turning back to the liaison officer.
Deeks didn't look amused by the banter. "I'm fine, Callen."
Kensi gave her boyfriend another worried look. "Deeks –"
"Look, just drop it, okay!" Deeks finally exploded. "I'm fine!"
Before anyone could say a word in response, Deeks pushed himself away from his desk and stalked off to the gym to blow off some steam leaving three shocked agents in his wake. It took several moments for their shock to thaw.
"We all just saw that right?" Callen checked. His partner and co-worker nodded in response to his question. "That's what I thought."
Kensi sat her desk perplexed. What was going on? Deeks was just fine last night after work. The case had ended in a good way. He happily kissed her before saying goodbye and warning her not to get into too much trouble during her girl's night. So what could have possibly upset him so much between then and now?
The three agents made a silent agreement to leave him alone for the time being. It was possible that letting off a little steam was all the detective needed.
"Did something happen last night or this morning?" Sam finally asked after thirty minutes passed and still with no sign of Deeks.
Kensi shrugged perplexed. "I don't think so. Honestly, I don't even know. I wasn't with him last night. I had a girl's night with Nell and stayed the night at my place."
Callen adjusted his weight so that he was resting on his elbows in thought. "You didn't forget his birthday again, did you?" He asked.
"No!" Kensi scoffed.
The two senior agents continued to watch her reaction. Slowly, Kensi's scoff became a frown. She quickly pulled out her cell phone and double checked her calendar.
"No, we're good," she confirmed.
"Are you sure?" Sam chuckled.
Kensi spared one last glance at her phone before nodding, "All clear."
"Well, could it possibly be an anniversary?" Sam suggested.
"Okay, why do you both automatically assume I forgot an important date?" Kensi demanded.
"Kensi?" Sam urged knowing how forgetful the young agent can be with dates.
She rolled her eyes before answering, "Sam, we consider Christmas our anniversary. How could I possibly forget an anniversary like that?"
"You forgot his birthday," Callen pointed out.
"Well, maybe I wouldn't have if his birthday fell on Christmas," Kensi argued. The two agents shared a glance but didn't offer any argument.
"So if you didn't forget his birthday or an anniversary then what's his problem?" Sam asked her.
Kensi released a heavy sigh. Her boyfriend's behavior this morning completely surprised her. She had never seen him act so serious or angry before. The only time he had ever been so serious was with the internal affairs investigation, but that was thankfully over with. "I have absolutely no idea."
Deeks' breathing was becoming labored the longer he worked himself on the heavy bag. No matter how long he beat his fists against it, he continued to feel anger. . . . Anger at himself. . . . Anger at Sidorov. He was just plain angry.
With each punch he hoped that a little more of himself would become repaired. Perhaps if he hit the heavy bag hard enough he would be able to forgive himself for every bad thing he has ever done in his life: shooting his father, killing Francis Boyle, torturing that man in Afghanistan, every bad act he ever had to do while undercover. It was all becoming too much.
"You know if you hit that thing any harder it'll collapse the ceiling," the voice of Sam remarked behind him.
Deeks didn't both to glance behind him. He simply continued to pound away at the heavy bag ass if it would solve all his problems. Sam sighed before moving forward and held the heavy bag in place while Deeks continued to hit it.
"So you want to tell me what the problem is?" Sam asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Did you get the short straw or something?" Deeks piped up. He figured that someone would attempt to talk to him. He actually assumed that it would be Kensi.
"Actually I volunteered," Sam admitted.
"Why?" he demanded not stopping his punches.
Sam shrugged not answering his question. "Perhaps you want to quit hitting that thing for five minutes and tell me why you snapped back there."
"Perhaps you want to mind your own damn business," Deeks quipped.
"I could," Sam offered, "but I'm not going to." Deeks took a few steps away from the bag as if distancing himself from Sam. "Come on, Deeks. What's the problem?"
In that moment Deeks demeanor changed. He no longer looked angry, now he simply looked weak, sad, maybe even tired. He licked his lips before forcing out the one name he hated to say, "Siderov."
Sam soon got the feeling that he knew what this was about. "You had a nightmare last night," he guessed.
Deeks nodded weakly. "This one was different though. Usually in my nightmares of him, I see us getting tortured like before, but this time it was different." He hesitated slightly, but pushed to continue, "I was alone. I was back in the warehouse with Siderov and still tied to the chair, only this time, I was alone. I don't know what happened to you. Soon Siderov and his men began to torture me again. I was being water-boarded until suddenly I wasn't. I wasn't being water-boarded. I was doing the water-boarding. I turned into Siderov and began to torture someone else."
By the end of it, Deeks' voice was full of emotion. Sam felt for the younger detective.
"Listen to me carefully, Deeks," Sam instructed him carefully. "You are not, and you never will, turn into Siderov. You are never going to turn into anything like that, you know why?"
"Why?" Deeks asked quietly.
"Because you are good," Sam told him. "The things we do on this job are always questionable, but no matter what you are good people. Besides, do you honestly think Callen, Kensi, or I would ever let you turn into something like that?" Deeks cracked a smile at his words. "Hell, Hetty would kick your ass if the thought ever crossed your mind."
"I'm just scared that this job is going to turn me into someone that I've always made a point of hating," Deeks admitted.
"Look, I know what you're going through. That first day I held Aiden in my arms I wondered if I would remain the same person. I was scared that I would bring all of this," he gestured at the OSP center, "home with me and it would affect him. So, Michelle made me a promise. She told me that if I ever became somebody that I used to hate then she would say a specific word and no matter what I would then quit."
Deeks looked at Sam surprised. "Just like that?"
"Just like that," he nodded. "Family is too important to give up, no matter what you become. So now I am going to make you the same promise. If at any time I ever think that you are becoming a person you would hate then I will make sure you leave. Okay?"
Deeks nodded pleased with his friend's promise. "Thank you," he told him gratefully.
Sam shrugged. "It's no problem, besides I may never have to do anything."
"Nice to know you have so much faith in me," Deeks joked.
"Oh, it's not that," Sam disagreed. Deeks raised an eyebrow. "It's just that if you ever begin to act like the criminals we catch then I'm sure Kensi will kick your ass before I even have the chance to talk to you."
Deeks thought about it. "This is true."
The two men laughed as they made their way out of the gym.
People change. This is inevitable. Although keeping family and friends around can always help someone return to their rightful self.
Let me know what you guys think!
Kaylee :)