WOEFUL WIZARDS 2014 SPECIAL

Scene 1:

[Harry, Ron and Hermione are in Harry's sitting room. Each have a cup of tea in their hands. All of them appear to be in their twenties.]

Harry: Man, remember high school?

Hermione: Unfortunately.

Ron: Merlin, we were lame back then.

Harry: (puts on a mocking voice) Oh no guys we need to defeat Voldemort!

Ron: (in the same voice) Hang on Harry we need to find horcruxes!

Hermione: (same voice) I'll go to the library!

[All laugh together]

Harry: Well, I'm glad we never have to go back.

[Ginny walks in, with a snowy white owl]

Harry: Oh good, the mail's come.

Hermione: I still can't believe Hedwig had an illegtimate child with a Hogwarts owl.

Ginny: (passes Hedwig Jr. over to Harry) Yeah, we were lucky she convenietly stayed hidden in the Forbidden Forest until after the Final Battle.

Harry: (reads the letter and mouth drops open in shock) Merlin's pants...

Ron and Ginny: (concerned and at the same time) What's wrong honey?

[Ron and Ginny exchange confused looks]

Harry: It's... it's... Neville.

Hermione: Who?

Harry: (ignores Hermione) He's... he's... missing.

[Dramatic music]

Ron: Fucking hell.

Scene 2:

[Malfoy Manor. Draco is lounging in front of the fire, reading quietly. His wife, Astoria Greengrass, sits next to him, knitting.]

Draco: (looks up, looking mildly alarmed) Do you smell something?

Astoria: Smell what?

Draco Like, burning or something.

Astoria: No, I don't smell anything.

Draco: (hesitates and then shrugs) Must just be my imagination.

[Suddenly the doors swing open and a fierce wind blows out the fire. Draco's book is ripped from his hands. A mysterious figure is silhouetted by the harsh, bright moonlight. Did you know that moonlight could be harsh AND bright? Me neither. But it is now. Poetic license, bitch.]

Mysterious Figure: Draco... Hogwarts needs you.

Draco: I'm sorry, who are you?

Mysterious Figure: (rips back hood to reveal that he is Goyle. Lightning flashes dramatically) Neville's missing!

[Draco looks stunned. Dramatic music.]

Astoria: Fucking hell.

Scene 3:

[Harry, Ron and Hermione are on the train to Hogwarts. They all look a bit nervous.]

Harry: So... looks like we're going back.

Ron: I can't believe it.

Hermione: At leat we'll be (s) together.

[Ron and Harry gasp and jerk away from Hermione]

Hermione: What? What?

Harry: (yells ) HOW DARE YOU HERMIONE! I THOUGHT YOU HAD MOVED ON! HOW DARE YOU! I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT! WE NEVER DO THAT!

[Harry spits in Hermione's face]

Ron: (to Harry) She can't help it, Harry. She doesn't understand.

Hermione: (gasps and covers her mouth) Oh no. I didn't... (whispers) swivel, did I?

Ron: (whispers) Yes.

[Dramatic music]

Ron: Where's Ginny gone?

Harry: (shrugs) Dunno.

Hermione: Harry! She's your (s) wife!

[Harry and Ron scream. Hermione, looks confused momentarily and then begins to break down and cry when she's realised what she's done.]

Scene 4:

[Draco and Goyle are riding on broomsticks, through the pouring rain. Both are drenched. Draco looks pissed off. Goyle looks worried.]

Goyle: So... crazy weather, right?

Draco: (murderously) Shut up.

Goyle: But-

Draco: Shut. It.

[Goyle looks uncomfortable. Draco continues to look pissed. Rain continues to fall.]

Scene 5:

[Great Hall. The Golden Trio stand around and look awkward for being non-teacher adults hanging around a kid's school.]

Harry: It's been so long...

Ron: I (s) know.

[Harry punches Ron in the face, then grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him vigorously.]

Harry: RON! YOU NEED TO RESIST RON! RESIST THE DESIRE!

Ron: What are you talking about?

Harry: STOP SWIVELING!

[Neville walks up to the Trio]

Neville: Hi guys!

Harry: Who are you?

Neville: ... I'm Neville.

[Harry looks at him blankly]

Neville: (looks confused) We were in Gryffindor together... I slew Nagini for you... remember that?

Harry: Ohhh... NEVille. Yeah, I remember you.

Hermione: Aren't you meant to be (s) missing?

Harry: STOP.

Neville: (ignores Harry) Oh yeah, that. No, I just got incredibly hot and everyone was like, woah, where'd Neville go.

Ron: Now that you mention it, you are looking (flirty s) sexy.

Neville: (shrugs but like in a hot way) Yeah, it's because of Herbology or something. Who cares really. I look good.

Harry: Yeah, (s) you do.

[Everyone gasps, except for Neville, whose shirt has suddenly fallen off. Oh no, what a shame.]

Harry: (falls to the ground, tears streaming down his face and screams) NO!

Scene 5:

[Draco and Goyle have just arrived outside the Entrance to Hogwarts. Both are looking miserable and wet.]

Draco: I can't believe you dragged me out here.

Goyle: Frankly I'm surprised you came. Did you even know Neville?

Draco: Gesundheit.

Goyle: Draco, c'mon. Why'd you come back with me?

Draco: (is silent for a moment) I miss him.

Goyle: Neville?

Draco: (shakes his head) Crabbe.

[Draco stares at his feet. Goyle stares at Draco, not knowing what to do]

Goyle: (hesitates) Me too.

Draco: (screams suddenly and punched a nearby wall) That damn fool. How could he?

[Draco closes his eyes and rests his forehead on said wall]

Goyle: Draco...

[Goyle reaches his hand out to comfort Draco.]

Draco: (backs away) No, don't touch me.

[Draco leaves Hogwarts and flies away. Goyle is left standing by the Entrance, alone. Unsure of what to do, after awhile he too gets on his broomstick and flies away. Melancholic music.]

Scene 6:

[The Golden Trio and Neville are walking toward the Hogwarts greenrooms.]

Neville: (still shirtless) I don't understand what the problem is.

Harry: Oh really? We are reverting back to our (s) lame old selves.

Neville: So?

Ron: So? (s) SO?! We're lame again!

Neville: But weren't you happy despite being lame?

Hermione: We're so much better than then though. I now (s) look at us! I don't want to fucking (s) swivel all the god damn fucking time!
Neville: Think of it this way; if you hadn't been lame then, you wouldn't be less lame now. It was the hardships of the past that has led you to the present. And the present is the only way forward. The only way forward to a new beginning, to a fresh start, to things bigger and better than before. Don't reject and forget your past. Rejoice in it, learn from it, grow from it. It is not an anchor bringing you down, but a background for your life, to light up the future.

Ron: (whistles) Deep man.

Neville: (shrugs) Just read in this fortune cookie.

Hermione: The cookie is (s) right.

Ron: Yeah. Let's (s) swivel our hearts away!

Neville: Woah, woah. Let's not go overboard here...

Harry: Wow! (s) I can't believe I've surpressed it all these years!

Neville: Oh God. I see what you mean by lame.

Hermione: (s) What's the matter Neville?

Neville: I got to... go... somewhere...

Harry: We'll come with!

Neville: No... that's fine...

[Neville begins to walk away from then, but eventually breaks out into a run, heading straight to the Forbidden Forest.]

Harry: (s) I know what we should do!

Ron: (s) What?

Harry: (s) Freeze frame high five!

Hermione: Wha-

[Harry and Ron jump in the air, palms outstreched. In slow motion, they attempt to high five each other but fail miserably. Hermione looks confused at first and then alarmed as she realises that both Harry and Ron are going to fall on top of her.]

Hermione: Shit tacos.

[Freeze frame on Ron and Harry about to crash into Hermione.]

[Happy music]

END OF 2014 SPECIAL EPISODE