A/N: So, I was really, really excited to write this story when I came up with the idea. I was so excited, I didn't even do any research to make sure all my facts were straight. (Don't even get me started on the spelling of the name of Rachel's bulter, which you could notice I tried a different spelling out each time I wrote it.) So, feel free to point out all my errors, so I can feel bad about myself. Anyway, this story is just sheer lunacy, so I hope you find it mildly humourus. I'm not really known for being a funny person...
Carl Clover adjusted his hat, glanced at the chessboard, and looked back up at the random ninja-guy he was playing against. Sighing boredly, he moved his rook a couple of spaces. "Checkmate!" Carl said, more out of relief the game was over rather than in relishment that he had won. Carl Clover liked playing chess, but all of the ninjas in Ronin-gai were positively awful at the game, and beating them effortlessly lost it's entertainment value about two games in.
"NOOOoooo!" The ninja cried, dramatically. "I can't have lost! I... I must increase my training tenfold!" And the ninja poofed away in a cloud of stereotypical ninja-smoke, to go punch a tree, or whatever random, nameless ninjas do to increase their chess skills. Whatever. Carl sighed boredly again, wondering when his teacher, Bang Shishigami, the one who had been forcing Carl to stay with all these stupid, random ninja-people, would return. He had run off a few days ago, saying something to the effect of: "Something to something something find someone's son, something something something. You stay here and wait Carl. Okay Bai."
Carl would have left a long time ago, he had been eager to get out of the clutches of the crazy man, anyway... But for story purposes, he was waiting for Bang to come back. This however, obviously proven by the fact that only three people are still bothering to keep reading this story, did not make for an exciting plot. Which is why the wall then suddenly exploded, startling Carl and random ninjas numbers 1-64 awfully well. (But not startling Nirvana, or random ninja number 65, because he was off punching a tree, remember?) Anyway.
"Sis!" screamed random ninja number fifteen. No, just kidding, it was random ninja number twenty-four, using some sort of ninja-ventriloquist technique to steal what Carl was saying. BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE IT. Carl glared at him briefly, and ran over to his sister. More chunks of wall were exploding, and other people – enemies, one could assume – were pouring from the openings. But alas! Nirvana was deactivated, because she had been just that bored, and it was rather more story-convenient.
By now everyone was fighting, well, except for Carl, who was busy freaking out/throwing a hissy fit over his sister. Clashes of steel and screams of pain vibrated about the place. Amidst the chaos, Carl felt a hand on his shoulder, and vaguely heard a man asking (sinisterly!) "Want to play, little boy?"
"CHILD MOLESTER! HELP, CHILD MOLESTER!" Carl screamed, inputting his 41236D. But Nirvana wasn't active, and it didn't do anything, so Carl had to settle for whacking the man, who will know be referred to child molester number four, in the head several times with the chessboard. Child molester number four slumped to the ground, and Carl stepped over his body, dragging Nirvana along with him. "Whew, that was pretty close... Come on, sis. We'd better find somewhere safer to go..."
MEANWHILE, ON THE EDGE OF KAGASTUCHI...
... No one other than our hero, Bang Shishigami, was traveling, fast enough to make light jealous, with his clothes waving about in a heroically manly manner in the wind, to Ronin-Gai, for deep in his heart, our darling hero could sense the danger the people of Ikaruga were in! But bundled close to his chest, could that be the device that will help Bang RID THE WORLD OF EEEEVILLL?! WILL THE PEOPLE OF KAGUTSUCHI BE SAVED? WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE ORIGIONAL IDEA OF BANG BEING OUT TO FIND THAT ONE GUY'S SON? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK!
...Or not. Bang raced toward his destination, worried for the peeps. As he neared... Yes, he could see it! Hundreds of enemies attacking Ronin-Gai! "No matter!" Bang shouted heroically. "No matter how many adversaries there are I, Bang Shishigami, the warrior of love and justice, who fights for the people, will fight for the people, TO SAVE THE PEOPLE!" And with that, Bang Shishigami, our hero of justice sprung into action, incapacitating several enemies with his deadly, awesome moves. In the background, a voice sounded.
"Need to defeat a whole lot of enemies at once to maintain your heroic image? There's an app for that!"
ANYWAYS, BACK TO CARL....
Carl ran deep into manor, twisting through hallway after hallway, surprisingly fast despite the fact he was dragging Nirvana behind him. But everybody knows the laws of science don't apply to adorable little boys with awesome hats, anyway, so whatever. He soon found himself in front of the large, ornate doors to some sort of chamber. He stood in front of it for a few moments, debating whether or not to seek refuge in the room. Then there was a sharp crash, uncomfortably close behind, and like a startled rabbit that dashes to the closest hole at signs of danger, Carl Clover dashed into the room.
It was large and spacey, the only furniture being a mat in the center of the room and a plain dresser off to the side. Carl then proceeded to mildly die of what looked to be an asthma attack, because, while top hats grand super law-breaking power, it is overrided by glasses, which show distinct signs of nerdiness no matter what, and everyone knows nerds can't run without having to make up for it by gasping for air for fifteen minutes afterward.
But his recovery was quickly cut short by the sound of two walls crashing down, bringing with them much rubble and a large cloud of smoke. The smoke cleared slowly in the usual cheaply generic way, to show the face of the mastermind behind all this villainy....
RACHEL ALUCARD! DUH DUH DUUUH!
Behind her was Valkenhyn, and of course with her was Nago an Gii. Her dress billowed and swayed about her, in utmost villany. "Rachel!" Carl said dramatically. "BUT WHY?!" Carl then went back to gasping for air.
Rachel Alucard looked at Carl like he was some sort of small, pitiful insect before speaking. "I finally decided to go on a tirade against sweaty men. Because I was bored, and I hate them, and your pitiful scene where you became the sweaty man's apprentice did not entertain me in the slightest. It seems the major offender is not here, but you will easily do in his place. Nago, Gii!" said Rachel, sinisterly. The wind whipped through her dress and hair with renewed force.
"N-no... Sis! Please get up! I need you!" Carl ran about the room, dodging all the crap Rachel was tossing his way, but moments into the battle Carl was surrounded by damn lightning rods. He could do nothing but stop in his tracks and look to the evil little girl.
"Goodbye, little boy." Rachel said, waving her fingers at Valkenhien, who was holding a fightstick. He had just pressed 2 2, when suddenly.
"NOT SO FAST, EVILDOER!" It was our hero, Bang Shishigami!
"Mr. Bang!" yelled random ninja twenty four. ("Goddammit, go away already!" yelled random ninja forty-three.) ("*Glare*" yelled Carl.) ("GAUNTLET HADES!" yelled Ragna.)
"Princess!" said gii. "It's him!"
Slap. "I know. I have eyes, you know."
"Ambushing the town, harming my people, and threatening my cute little disciple! I, Bang Shishigami, WILL NOT LET THIS SLIDE!" Rachel squealed as Bang lunged for her, landing a few blows.
"Ugh... Get this sweaty, revolting creature away from me! VALKENHIYN!" Rachel yelled, silpheading away from Bang.
Of course, my lady." Valkenhyn entered the commands.
"It's no use! For I have... THIS!" Bang said, holding up an iphone. "I have traveled across the land, searching far and wide... (Teach Pokemon to uuunderstaand, The Power that's insiiide!) (Shush, now!) This will jam up all your data! As soon as I figure out how to use that app, you're toast!" Bang then proceeded to scramble about with the phone.
"Sword Iris!" Flash, flash, flash...
Bang soon lay in a charred heap of body, twitching and convulsing in a rather disturbing manner. "Mr. Bang! Mr. Bang, p-please get up!" Carl dashed to his side, freaking out. Bang coughed a few times. Rachel laughed a few times, prettily.
"C-Carl... I leave the rest... in your hands... Use... what I have taught you... uuurrrgh...."
Carl flipped around, anger dancing in his eyes. "You... you'll pay for this, Rachel Alucard! I'll show you what my teacher has taught me!"
"My, my. Sounds interesting... And redundant. That last sentence was so redundant." Rachel gave a few seconds to glare at the author for mediocrity. Carl lunged for her.
"2A 5B 2B 2C 2363241C!" Carl... tried to combo. But it didn't do anything?!
"Carl, that only works for Bang-san!" informed random ninja thirty-three.
"Whaaat?! But... Mr. Bang, that's what you taught me to do!" Bang was balanced precariously on crutches, messing with the iphone. All eyes were looking at him curiously.
"Eeeh... Well, it doesn't matter! Look here! It says that my cute little disciple is a much higher tier than that girl anyway!" Carl went over and glanced at the phone's display.
"Mr. Bang! This is Continuum Shift's tier list! This story is based off of Calamity Trigger." He snatched the phone from Bang and located a tier list for CT. Bang gasped, dramatically, and dropped the phone on the ground, panicking slightly.
"W-well..." started Bang, "Carl! You can't give up! Tier listings do not matter in a battle! What really matters... is your spirit! Now go, my cute little disciple, and show how brightly your spirit burns!" Bang wasted no time in shoving Carl back towards Rachel.
"Bu... but how am I supposed to fight without sis?" Carl edged away from Rachel, nervously. She was grinning quite wickedly.
"Don't worry, Carl! Your teacher, Bang Shishigami has this covered!" Bang went up to Nirvana, and used the incredibly useful robot restoring app on her. He turned to the audience. "Hah! Did you really think the author, in all of his or her amazingness, would forget that Nirvana was stated previously as being deactivated for no apparent reason?"
"Is this going to take all day, boy?" Rachel asked, boredly Carl still fidgeted. Could he really beat this girl, even with his sister? She had taken out his teacher so easily... Suddenly, an angelic voice sounded.
"Carl... Use the clap trap... Carl..."
"But... but I haven't mastered that technique yet, to put things in a generic sense! And besides, she still has most of her gauges left! She could get out of it easily!" But the voice was gone.
"Haha! That's right, and if you think I'd be stupid enough to use them all up, you'd best think again, boy!" And just then, Bang saw what he had to do. Yes, a hero's work was never done, but before Bang could rest, he saw he had to do one last act of justice. As best as he could with his crutches, Bang Shishigami snuck up behind Valkenheyn!
"Toh!" Catching him off guard, our hero whacked him upside the head with a crutch, wobbled unsteadily for a moment, and then mashed the drive button. "Now, Carl, now!" He yelled, the gauge empty.
"NO! THAT STUPID, SWEATY IMBECILE!" Was Rachel's reaction as she flew about the screen in every which direction. Car waited for her to land, dove in... and Rachel was presently caught in the clap trap!
"WHOO!" The random ninjas cheered. "Go, Carl, go!" They began to cheer some more. Rachel crossed her arms and pouted as she was slapped about. After a while, the cheering started to fade.
"Whoo... Yeah." Rachel still wasn't defeated. Everyone started to laze about.
SOME MORE TIME LATER...
Carl was still at the loop. Rachel was sipping daintily at her tea betwixt hits, and most ninjas were sleeping. "Looking good, Carl!" said Bang, munching on a sandwich.
"This is boring..." Carl muttered.
ANOTHER WHILE LATER...
Still was Carl at it. By now everyone was bored stiff, and completely lax. Bang and a couple of random ninjas were now playing cards. They had been playing chess for a time before, but got bored after random ninja sixty-five had beaten them all mercilessly several times. He had refused to reveal his training regiment (But you all know...) Bang glanced up from his hand at Carl and shouted, helpfully, "You're doing great, Carl!" But finally, Rachel had grown too sick and tired of it all.
"Enough! I will take my leave of this infernal place. It has lost it's entertainment value. Nago, Gll, your punishment in this failure shall be forthcoming. Valkenhin, I shall require tea and a hot bath when we arrive."
"Yes, milady." And with that they were gone. There was a brief moment of silence, but when everybody realized the villain was gone, they broke out into cheer.
"Hurray for Carl and Bang! Yay!" They all cheered.
Carl brushed himself off. "That was ridiculous. I don't ever remember it taking that long to defeat someone..." Bang was beside Carl, and he put a congratulatory hand on Carl's shoulder.
"Carl," he said, "All that matters is that you were able to triumph over the forces of evil. How long it took matters not. And besides, it only took so long because the author is rather stupid, but that is one lesson you must learn in life anyway: that you can't control anything in stories like these. Anyway..." Bang's voice began to crack up. "I... I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, CARL!" And with that, our hero, Bang Shishigami, tossed his arms around his dear disciple, Carl Clover, and proceeded to hug the crap out of him. AAAAAW!
"M-Mr. Bang... Thank you. For helping me... and making me your disciple!" And then they both rejoiced, because this stupid story had finally, at long last, come to an end.
A/N: Thanks to anyone who actually bothered to read all of... this. Actually, I feel more like apologizing to you than thanking you....