January
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It's cold.
He's cold.
She's cold.
It's not the weather, because Seattle was never really cold.
Their smiles are frozen and their hearts hurt.
They're happy for her, happy that she can spend time with him, spend years with him.
But, it's because of him that they're so cold.
Carly had been so ecstatic when she saw him.
"Dad!" she had screamed and she repeated the word over and over, because she never got to say it enough.
That word that they repeat to themselves, talking to no one but the darkness, feeling it roll off their tongues…weird, foreign.
To them, dad is just a faded childhood memory and they wish that isn't how it is.
Carly's off on different bonding trips, father daughter t-shirts and special Shay family dinners and everything is smiles and laughter in the apartment, and Sam and Freddie watch from a distance.
Their mouths are smiling, but their eyes are blank.
Carly's throwing another party just because and it should be happy, but all they can see is Carly hugging her dad, Carly saying dad, the exchange of "I love you" between father and daughter and they want it.
They want it so much that their hearts might explode from wishing that maybe, maybe their dad's would want to come see "their little girl" or "their favorite boy", but when do wishes ever come true?
"Hey, Carls, I'm going to leave early, don't party too hard."
"Yeah, same, see you at school tomorrow."
She laughs, and her eyes are twinkling and she looks so pretty when she's happy.
"Bye guys, see you tomorrow!"
She leans in and gives them a bear hug and they're almost suffocated by her.
They're standing, facing a closed door for a while before they realize it.
They glance at each other, and maybe it's because they know what the other is going through, that a mutual understanding is passed between eyes: neither of them wants to go home.
"Groovy Smoothie?"
"Let's hit it."
They're sitting on the round plastic chairs, their feet resting on the metal bars just above the ground.
Freddie orders two hot chocolates, handing six dollars over to T-Bo; he's already become accustomed to paying for two drinks.
"It sucks." It sounds loud and out in the open and vulnerable and Freddie wants to grab it from the air and stuff it in a bag where it can stay. She's blunt and he didn't expect her to stay quiet about anything, but sometimes, when it comes to emotions he doesn't know.
He already knows what she's talking about, but he feigns stupidity because he doesn't want to talk about it.
"What, that they have hot chocolate at a smoothie store?"
"Yeah…that, and…you know what? Forget about it."
She sighs and takes a large gulp of hot chocolate, it burns her throat on the way down but it warms her up.
Her tongue hurts like hell now.
He's quiet because he doesn't want to talk about it, but he does, and the words are floating around the opening of his mouth, right at the tip of his tongue, but he bites them back. Sure, he would consider him and Sam friends, best friends, but he hasn't talked to anyone about it.
She's watching him and he's going through a series of conflicting emotions and it's pissing her off more than usual.
"Dude, if you want to say something, just spit it out."
He stares at her.
"Alright, it does suck."
She leans back smugly, because even when she feels like shit, Sam still likes to win. He stares at her boyish frame, slumped in the chair and rolls his eyes.
They're quiet for a few minutes.
"Did your mom scare him off?"
He stares at her and he doesn't know whether he should laugh, because it's half true or if he should be mad at her for insulting his mom. Instead, he lets out a half snort followed by a frown.
She glances sideways at him, "Dude, do you need to go to the ladies room?"
He narrows his eyes, "No, I don't, thanks for caring…you need to go to the litter box?"
Sarcasm and crude humor is dripping from their mouths.
She opens her mouth to aim an insult at him, but decides against it and asks, "So, why did he leave?"
"I don't know."
He stops, deciding whether to tell her or not and he thinks why not? Because she knows how it feels.
"Well, my mom won't tell me a lot, I remember fighting one night and he was yelling about how he was tired of living this way and how she didn't let him breathe and the next morning I woke up and he was gone."
He doesn't stop there because he needs to get it off his chest before it suffocates him completely.
"My mom was sitting on the couch and she looked so empty. She started becoming over protective of me and not wanting me to go far because she probably thought I would leave. I guess I let her baby me because when I saw her on the couch she was…broken. A million pieces and I wanted to help her."
He stops now and she's staring at him, mouth hanging slightly open. He reaches over and lifts her chin up and her mouth snaps shut.
"Your turn."
She narrows her eyes at him.
"Fair enough."
She takes another large gulp of the hot chocolate which has by now cooled down a sufficient amount to drink without being burned.
"Well, my parents got divorced when I was around five or so. It just never worked out. I mean, the loved each other, but it just wasn't there. So my dad decided to start over new…he still sends a check every month to help out, which is nice enough. He was pretty awesome though…sucks that I can't see him anymore, but my mom's cool so I guess I can't ask for too much."
He nods in agreement and it's probably one of the few things they will ever agree on.
They feel closer to each other because of their losses. They've reached a new emotional degree of understanding in their friendship even though they don't notice it.
Sam's finished her drink and tosses the empty cup into the trash can.
"Score suckas!!"
It's another eye roll.
"We should probably get going, we have school tomorrow."
"You're right."
They get up to leave, grabbing their jackets and slinging them over their shoulders.
"Did it get warmer?"
"Yeah, I was just about to ask."
They shrug.
"Later Fred-o."
"Night Sam."