This story is inspired by a piece of general knowledge learned from the marvelous show QI hosted by Steven Fry. And my curious brain that is always asking questions about the nature of the vampires of the Twilight universe.
Disclaimer: The characters in this fanfic are owned by Stephenie Meyer. Operation is owned by someone that is not me. The various musical personalities mentioned are also not mine, because that is slavery and is in fact frowned upon in many cultures (that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory quote, also not mine.)
Before anyone complains, I am aware these events are highly improbable. But so are the entire events of Twilight. That's the risk you take with fantasy. Enjoy.
"Where shall we go now?" Carlisle looked at his children, and grandchild, and Jacob. High school had been completed once more and it was time to move on again. It had been ten years since the near destruction of his family due to the interfering Volturi, and they had been ten very happy years. Carlisle had never expected to be happy with a werewolf, sorry shape shifter, around constantly and showing no sign of leaving; yet somehow his strange little family seemed to work quite well. Thanks to his imprintee, Jacob had decided to continue on not aging, hence his recurring secondary education, a side effect he was not all that joyful about.
"I'm sick of the rain" stated Jacob
"Maybe you shouldn't hang out with vampires then" said Rosalie, mostly joking but there was a hint of venom in her voice.
"We could go somewhere sunny, if it was remote" pointed out Renesmee. The family took a moment to ponder this.
"Let's go somewhere sunny then" said Bella
"Excuse me! Flaw in the plan, remote places are sadly lacking in shopping facilities" Alice's pleas were ignored, the concept of constant sunshine had gotten everyone all excited.
"To the Caribbean!"
"It'd be full of tourists, last time I checked that doesn't count as remote?"
"How about somewhere a bit more far flung?" suggested Bella
"How far flung?" asked Edward
"Africa" she replied
"Africa? Why Africa" Jasper asked
"I'm bored of American food, I want to test my palate"
"That is a fantastic idea, I am going to eat me a lion" said Emmett enthusiastically
"Look, I'm all for the sun but how many shopping opportunities can I expect from this trip?"
"Alice, think of it, street markets, hand made jewellery, haggling." Edwards used his velvetiest voice
"To Africa!!!" Alice immediately ran upstairs to pack and brush up on her Swahili.
And to Africa they went, to a highly remote part, it only dawned on Alice halfway there that, being in a remote place, there would be no people and therefore no street markets.
"Don't worry, there's a city a few minutes away running at full speed, just remember to cover up in your excitement, either that or we could wait for the rainy season" said Carlisle
"I'll remember to cover up" she said with conviction.
After spending a few days settling into their new environment, -an abandoned mansion, built by an eccentric Victorian family- the male Cullen's decided to have a male bonding hunting trip, Jacob was invited but he declined, preferring to spend his time with Renesmee and waiting till she went hunting. When Carlisle announced their plan to the females, Alice's face went blank for a moment, her eyes glazed over, then she burst out laughing.
"What? Alice, did you see something?" asked Jasper
"No I just thought of something funny" she replied, attempting to conceal a giggle. Edward knew she was hiding something, and began probing her mind, but all he found was a lot of French verbs getting conjugated. Damn mind reading blocking psychic he thought. He kept listening, hoping she would falter. But Alice gave a pleading look to Bella, and her thoughts were abruptly silenced. Damn shield wife. He would find out later he told himself. He, Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle departed in search of some native cuisine.
Several hours later, the tranquil atmosphere of the household was abruptly interrupted by Carlisle bursting in the door, and thus breaking it. Singing loudly and rather unmelodious
"Well I guess it would be nice! If I could touch your body! You know not everybody! Has got a body like you!" he turned to Esme and stage whispered "Cause you're a vampire" He was about to continue his rendition of George Michaels 'Faith' when Edward interrupted the performance
"But I've gotta think twice! Before I give ma heart away! And I know all the games you play, because I play them tooooo!"
"Cause you gotta have FAITH! Faith faith" Carlisle reclaimed his performance, collapsing into a chair.
Edward looked thoroughly annoyed "No! You're too early! You missed a whole verse" however the argument was discontinued when Emmett ran through the wall screaming
"Where is Rosalie!!!!" he found her immediately "Rose, look at me"
"Emmett I am looking at you"
"No, but do you seeeee me?"
"Of course I do, you're right in front of me" she replied, more than a little annoyed
"No, you're not listening!!! Look at me, I want to tell you something"
"Ok Emmett, what do you want to tell me?"
"You" he pointed at her rather aggressively "are bloody gorgeous you are" he said, attempting a cockney accent. He then collapsed, giggling.
"Emmett shut up!!!" Jasper shouted, entering through the Emmett shaped hole. Jasper clumsily put his finger to his lips
"You'll wake up the doggy" he whispered, motioning to the miraculously still sleeping Jacob.
"Life is a mysteeereee, everyone must stand aaaalone, I hear you caaaall my name. And it feels like" Carlisle paused, apparently thinking over his next word
"Hooooooome" Edward finished for him
"Edward! Stop stealing my soooong!" whined Carlisle
"It's not even yours, it's Madonna's, duh"
"Carlisle, what has happened? If I didn't know any better I'd say you were drunk" Esme looked concerned. Carlisle intended to stand up gracefully, turn to his wife and reassure her, instead he jumped up, spun around, shouting "Esme my darling!" and fell over, then started giggling.
"Esme, I think they are drunk" said Alice, although it was barely audible through her laughs.
"That's impossible" retaliated Esme, even more concerned now as she had never seen or heard of any vampire let alone Carlisle falling over.
"Allow me, to elaborate, but first, allow me to check something" she then turned to Jasper and asked him what they had eaten on their hunting trip. He replied with:
"Well I had a zebra. And I think Emmett had a lion but I didn't want one cause it looked like Mufasa and then I started to think, 'hey what if there is a little Simba out there now and I'm about to devour his father?'" Jasper looked around the room, searching for someone to agree with him, he found no-one, looked annoyed and suddenly a wave of remorse was felt by all.
"Poor Simba!" wailed Edward, who had forgotten his argument with Carlisle. Carlisle himself had also forgotten the argument and had resumed his own personal karaoke night.
"Jazz, focus" Alice grabbed Jaspers head and turned it to face her
"Right, yeah so Emmett had a lion and Carlisle had a giraffe-how cool is that by the way? A giraffe! Edward had a meerkat and a warthog, can you imagine that? My brothers seemed dead set on consuming the entire cast of the Lion King. Hakuna Matata my butt! I think and we all had a wildebeest, they were OK cause they wildebeest's stampeded on Mufasa so they had it coming and we all had an elephant. Those elephants were sooo funny, they were stumbling around like a bunch of idiots!"
"Well that explains it" Alice looked pleased with herself.
"How does that explain it" asked Rosalie irritably, with Emmett hanging onto her neck with one arm and giggling.
"Little known fact that elephants sometimes get drunk on fermented fruits"
"And…" asked Bella, still confused
"And when these idiots drank the elephant's blood, they got drunk on it"
"That sounds highly unlikely Alice" said Esme, still not convinced
"Might I hear your suggestion?" replied Alice
"So when will it wear off? They can't exactly sleep it off!" snapped Rosalie
"I guess it will last as long as the blood does, so lets see, how long does it take us to get thirsty again after we've fed?" asked Alice
"They sound like they had a lot, so maybe a couple of weeks" said Bella, looking dejected. It was then that Edward jumped up and shouted
"I am not drunk!"
"Edward you are sooo drunk, I can't let you drive, gimme your keys" said Emmett drunkenly holding out his hand
"Emmett you idiot we're already home and he didn't bring his car!" said Jasper shaking his head violently
"Don't you sass me you southern belle!"
"I'm older than you I can sass you till the cows come home you teddy bear!"
"Ooh I'm Jasper! I'm such an emo! I totally feel your pain and stuff"
"I am not an Emo!!! Ooh I'm Emmett, I act like a big manly man cause I can't express my feelings and hide the fact that I'm just a big girl and love ponies and ribbons!" Jasper stuck his tongue out.
"I do not love ponies or ribbons! Ooh I'm Jasper…" Esme cut him off mid imitation
"Jasper, Emmett, don't talk to each other that way! You're drunk you don't know what you're saying" they both spun round to face their mother, screaming about their sobriety.
"Let's play Operation!" shouted Carlisle. Good, thought the girls, maybe that will calm them down a bit
On the contrary, emotions were running high during that fateful game of Operation, and with Jasper unable to control his own emotions let alone those of his family, it was a rather stressful family activity.
"Yes!" cried Bella as she lifted the broken heart without so much as a glimmer of red on the unfortunate patients nose.
"I'm a god damn doctor! I should be winning!" the loud buzz was heard as Carlisle dropped the writer's cramp
"You? Do you know how many times I've been to medical school and I can't even extract a Charlie Horse!" Edward then sniggered and pointed at Bella "Charlie's your dad's name"
"I'm not emo" Jasper was still annoyed about that particular slur
"Yeah, if anyone's emo here it's Edward" smirked Alice, she took much enjoyment in the humiliation of her drunken family.
"Yeah? Well my wife's cooler than your wife!" Edward shouted at Jasper
"Hey!" shouted Alice
"No way! Mine can see the future"
"Excuse me! Shield! Immobilise the Volturi much?" Edward pointed at Bella
"Hey!" shouted Rosalie
"Ha! Emmett's doesn't even have a superpower!" Jasper giggled
"Shut up! Mines hotter than yours!"
"Hey!" shouted Bella. An argument soon ensued, about who's wife was cooler/hotter but the raised voices were drowned out by:
"Oh whoa! Livin' on a prayer!" Carlisle grabbed Esme's hand and spun her round
"Take my hand and we'll make it I swear! OH WOAH! Livin' on a prayer!" It was then, and only then that Jacob woke up.
"Chase the kitten!" shouted Jacob as he awoke. Obviosly being woken from an interesting dream. He was thoroughly confused by the scene before him. That scene being several giggly vampires with the parental figures dancing rather ungracefully.
"Pffft" Edward giggled, highly amused by Jacob's wakening words.
"Dad! Don't be so rude" Renesmee said
"Rude? Moi?" Edward pointed to himself dramatically, Jacob chuckled at Edwards rather effeminate display.
"What you laughing at wolf boy?" Emmett asked defensively
"Nothing, nothing" Jacob was just able to answer through his laughter.
"You got something to say Lassie?" Jasper squared up to the very tall shape shifter
"I didn't say anything!" Jacob was becoming worried, he was now beginning to wonder what had gotten in to the Cullens (bearing in mind he was sleeping through the explanation)
"Are you disrespecting my boys?" asked Carlisle, more than a little aggressively
"I, uh, didn't mean it" Jacob voiced this almost as a question.
"Oh god they've reached the angry drunk phase" said Alice despairingly
"Uh oh, angry drunk vampires" said Bella
"Drunk? I thought you couldn't get drunk" Jacob was looking frantically around, in search of a full explanation.
"Fermented fruit, elephant blood, long story" Renesmee was trying to stop her father from lunging at Jacob.
"Stupid puppy!"
"Hey, that's uncalled for!" Jacob was slightly confused with this sudden verbal attack
"Mongrel!"
"Dad! Really!"
"Leech!" Jacob retaliated
"Jacob! Stop encouraging him"
"Dog!"
"Parasite!"
"Jake that's just mean!" Bella was growing frustrated, Jacob wasn't even drunk, where was this rage coming from?
"You're not even a child of the moon, you can't even be a werewolf right!"
"I'd rather be a shape-shifter than a rock!"
"Pet rocks don't need toilet trained, you whiney canine!"
"Yeah! I'm Jacob I love Bella, check me with my werewolf angst! Oh wait, I suddenly love your daughter cause I'm creepy and imprint on 2 minute old vampire human hybrids!" Emmett had decided to practice his insult techniques again. He was quickly chastised by the Cullens that were not dragging Jacob and Edward away form each other
"Prude!"
"I disagree about that last comment" Bella said
"Ew! Mom!"
"Whore!" Edwards's retaliatory comment seemed to linger in the air
"Whore?" The entire family said in unison. A sudden confused tension filled the room. Jacob, still not fully understanding the situation, was dumbstruck.
BUZZZ The distressed looking man on the Operation board suddenly had a bright red and buzzing nose.
"Damn you Writer's Block and damn you Operation! Damn you to hell!" and with that, Carlisle viciously threw the board across the room, making another hole in the wall.
After the game of operation had been abandoned, the sober Cullens had to once more try and find a manner in which to keep their men under control.
"You're all against me!" shouted Jasper suddenly
"Jazz, you know that's not true" Alice said soothingly
"Don't tell me what to feel!" a cry of 'emo', disguised as a cough issued from Emmett's mouth
"You see! All against me!" Jaspers eyes began darting around the room
"Jasper it's the blood, you're being paranoid" Esme, put her hand gently on Jaspers shoulder. He turned his back on them and then realized that they could sneak up on him from behind so turned back round, his eyes continuing to dart around.
"Oh Danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling" Emmett was slumped over a table, shaking his head meaningfully
"Shut up Emmett! You think you can get in my head but you're wrong!" Jasper pointed an accusatory finger at his curly haired brother. Jaspers accusation was promptly interrupted by Edwards dry sobs.
"Edward, what's the matter?" Bella asked, rushing to her husbands side
"I'm so sorry Bella! I never wanted this life for you!"
"What life Edward?"
"This one! Having to devour animals and never being able to sleep and having the constant burning in your throat!"
"A depressed drunk, I should have guessed" Jacob scoffed
"Shut up wolf boy!" Rosalie was becoming increasingly irritated by the events around her.
"Pah! Burning shmurning! And Edward sleeping wastes time that could be spent with you." Bella looked into her husbands eyes, but he simply burst into a fresh group of dry sobs. Bella sighed and patted his back attempting to comfort him.
"There is only one way to soothe a depressed drunk" stated Alice and she began heading for the door. Gaining shouts of outrage from the sober Cullens, who believed that they were being abandoned
"Yay!" shouted Edward, plucking the plan from Alices head
"What are you yay-ing about conformist" asked Jasper, still conforming to teenage stereotypes.
"Just wait Jazz, I swear to you I will get you out of this emo mood" said Alice seriously
"I'm not an emo!!!" But Alice was already out of the door
Soon, Alice returned, carrying several heavy boxes.
"What's that?" asked Esme
"Karaoke, the only deterrent to drunken depression"
"At least when they're depressed they're quiet!" said Rosalie angrily. But Alice had already begun setting up. And despite protests from many family members, in the main parlour they soon had a makeshift karaoke bar.
"Ok everyone! Welcome to Cullen karaoke night! First up we have the very talented Edward Cullen, doing a rendition of Queens 'don't stop me now'" Alice said cheesily into the microphone. Edward approached the makeshift stage and sat at the provided piano.
Tonight, I'm gonna have myself
A real good time
I feel ali-hi-hi-hive
And the world, is turnin' inside out and
I'm floating around, in ecstasy so
Don't. Stop. Me. Now.
He tapped the piano keys with a flourish, clearly enjoying himself. Unfortunately he tapped the wrong keys with a flourish. Apparently he couldn't play drunk, and that sweet voice that had sung Bella to sleep so many years ago was now heightening in pitch and decreasing in quality.
"It's going to be a long couple of weeks" muttered Renesmee, pinching the bridge of her nose in what looked like a spitting image of her father.
Two karaoke filled weeks later
"MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE" wailed Emmett
"Shutupshutupshutupshutup" whispered Jasper angrily, rubbing his temples.
"DO YOU NOT FEEL THIS PAIN?!"
"Yes, dear brother. But I have found a hangover, coupled with shouting, with a dash of super hearing do not make for a nice scenario."
"You're both acting like children" said Edward, vainly trying to alleviate his pain with an ice pack
"Edward, you are an ice pack, what do you think that will achieve?" asked Jasper irritably.
"Boys, please do not fight among yourselves, it makes your father feel bad" Carlisle was mixing a hangover cure he found on the Internet, praying to God that just this once human food would work.
"Hey Bella" Edward summoned his wife subtly, removing the ice pack from his brass locks.
"Yes darling" she said, an exaggerated sweet tone laced her voice
"When I was, you know, a tad tipsy"
"Yes?"
"I didn't do anything to embarrass myself did I? Of course I wouldn't expect so, you know I'm not one to indulge in such frivolities as your run of the mill drunk"
"Of course Edward. In fact most of the time was spent doing your everyday activities. Playing piano although admittedly not your usual style of music, chatting with me, insulting Jacob" Edward nodded happily. Then his facial expression changed.
"Now when you say insulting Jacob-"
"My favourite was 'You're not even a child of the moon! You can't even be a werewolf right'"
"Oh God, Jacob I-"
"All forgotten pal, you more than made up for it with your karaoke performances"
"Karaoke?! You said I was playing my piano"
"You were when you sang Queen" chirped Alice
"Queen?" squeaked Edward
"That's OK, Jasper sang, oh what's that emo band?" Alice tapped her chin thoughtfully "My Chemical Romance! That was it. And Jazz I don't know why you don't sing more often you've got a lovely voice"
"I am not emo"
"OK, but your karaoke repertoire says other wise" said Rosalie
"What did I sing?" asked Emmett, intrigued,
"A lot of AC/DC" replied his missus.
"Well they do rock out loud"
"And some Britney"
"Of the Spears variety?" Emmett asked, preying for the contrary,
"Of course" Emmett's face fell, his street cred ruined for all eternity.
"Ok, I'm gonna drink it" announced Carlisle, holding the completed hangover cure to his lips. He tipped the glass back and swallowed. They all knew it was impossible, but they all swore they saw him turn just a little green. Esme shook her head disapprovingly,
"Did it at least work? Is your head better" he shook his head,
"Now, boys, let me ask you something" said Esme, hands on hips. The Cullen boys turned to face her,
"Was it worth it?" she asked, sounding highly motherly. They boys took a moment to ponder this, then vigorously nodded their heads, then held their heads in pain as the movement had aggravated their headache.
"Alright ladies. Let's find the biggest pile of fermented fruit we can get and feed some elephants."
And with that, the Cullen females left in search of a wild night out.
And that's the end. Hope you found it somewhat amusing. Review and you will soon find a drunken Cullen on your doorstep. In a good way.