Okay, so I got this idea while I was sitting in a hospital emergency room lobby with my dad when my little brother had to be taken in for a tooth infection that had been causing him pain for three days straight. Something about a crown on his tooth being loose or something. I don't know.

Anyway, the title credit goes to the nurse my brother had, who had told him that when he told her how he felt. I thought it would be funny to put Gaara in place of my brother. Enjoy!

OOO

"So it is an infection?"

"That's what the nurse said. Lord Kazekage, how do you feel?"

The droopy-eyed redhead sat relaxed in an examination chair, a blood pressure band around his upper arm. The monitor beside him changed numbers every three seconds.

Before replying, the young man licked his upper lip. "Mm, weird," he replied, tilting his head in the direction of the wondering Shinobi. "Kankuro, don't play with that. You're making me nervous."

Kankuro, who was playing with a cotton ball, gently placed it back on the counter, as not to make his younger brother even more nervous. Gaara was acting strangely, and the medication hadn't even fully kicked in yet. It was definitely going to be a long night.

"Does it still hurt?" Kankuro asked. Gaara was focused on the small TV hanging on the wall in front of him. It was some sort of drama, in which a man had gotten slapped by his wife or girlfriend or something. He stifled a laugh.

The Shinobi sighed and shook his head. "I wouldn't waste your time. He's out of it."

"Hey, you guys," Gaara whispered, looking at the other two men in the room with him. "I like this song."

They grew quiet, listening for any music. A mellow tune played throughout the hallways of the hospital and Gaara moved his upper body side to side slowly to it.

"Do you guys like it?"

Kankuro ran his hand over his face and stood up, moving to the doorway. "Where the hell is Temari?" he whispered to himself.

Minutes of silence passed and Gaara sighed heavily and overdramatically. The men glanced at him to see the Kazekage leaned back in the chair, his legs spread and hanging over the end, and his arms resting on the top of his head.

"When can I go home?" he asked quietly. "I'm tired and my damn tooth hurts."

"Whenever the nurse comes back in and tells us what we need to do for the infection to go away."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, Lord Kazekage."

Gaara groaned loudly in annoyance and pain. He hated the hospital and everything about it. There was nothing to keep his medicated mind busy, except for a TV that was showing commercials about diapers. The smell of the place reminded him of old people. The entire building became his own personal hell.

"I don't ever want to come here again," he slurred, trying to push authority into his voice. "If I get sick, keep me at home. If I'm dying, just drop me off in the middle of the desert and leave me to my fate."

The Shinobi smiled and patted Gaara's leg, which twitched radically. "Well, what if Nanao ever gets pregnant and she has the baby here? The father has to be here for the baby's birth."

Gaara's head lolled to the side and he almost smiled at the feel of his hair tickling the top of his ear. He leaned forward, his face only an inch or two away from the other man's. "Nanao can't get pregnant, stupid. She's on birth control."

"You never know."

"I do know."

"Really? Do you?"

"Yes, I do."

"What the hell is going on here?" a female's voice questioned.

"Temari! Finally!" Kankuro said in relief. Temari smiled at her brothers and Nanao, the Kazekage's girlfriend of six months, skipped over to the side of the chair. She ran her hands through Gaara's hair the way he liked and kissed his forehead.

"How are you feeling? Does it still hurt?" she asked as he snaked his arms around her waist. He was being unusually cuddly.

"A little bit," he replied and rubbed his cheek on her stomach. He snapped his fingers to get the Shinobi's attention, and once he had, he patted where his cheek had been. "See this? See this stomach? There will never be a baby in the oven."

Nanao only forced a smile and smoothed her hand over the top of Gaara's head. "I think you mean a baby in the tummy."

He looked up at her innocently. "No, I mean what I say and say what I mean. Baby in the oven."

Temari and Kankuro began to talk quietly near the door. "The nurse said we'd probably have to give him more medication and he won't be able to do much for the next couple days," he told her.

"More medication?" she repeated. "God, if we keep giving him more, he's going to become an addict. How much did she give him?"

"From what I saw, not that much."

They both looked in the direction of their brother, who was giving all his attention to Nanao. He refused to release her waist, so all she could do was play with his hair. Slowly, Kankuro noticed, Gaara's hands dropped closer to her butt, until…

"Squeeze."

"Gaara! We're in public!"

Kankuro smiled to himself. Yes, it did run in the family. Yes, indeed.

Gaara's eyes settled on a jar filled with wooden sticks. Of course, he could have gotten the sticks himself with the sand, but there was no fun in that. He sighed and leaned his head on Nanao's breasts.

"Nanao, will you get me one of those?"

"Um, sure."

Once a stick was in his hand, he looked at it curiously. Temari watched him. "The doctor uses those to push down his patient's tongues to look at their throats."

Gaara opened his mouth and slowly put the stick in. Kankuro laughed at the retching noise. "Nice, Gaara," Nanao scolded at the alarmed man, who had nearly thrown the stick across the room. "Just puke up the medications!"

"Stupid gag reflex," Gaara mumbled.

OOO

"All right, Lord Kazekage, how are you feeling?" the nurse asked, walking in with a clipboard and a pen. Gaara was nearly gone, his eyelids drooped and his limbs didn't move.

"Sexy."

She cracked a smile. "Welcome to the World of Vicodin," she told him before turning to Temari. "All right. We're going to give you a prescription for more Vicodin, which he needs to take every six hours with food. Use it until the bottle is completely gone, even if the infection gets better. Also, he needs to get into the dentist within the next four to five days."

"I've already made an appointment for him for Friday."

"Well, that works then."

Gaara grimaced at the dreaded D-word. He hated the dentist almost as much as the hospital. "I'm not letting anyone in my mouth," he said stubbornly.

Nanao rolled her eyes. "Unless you want to be in pain again, you are letting someone in your mouth."

The nurse wrote on a piece of paper and handed it to Temari. "Okay, Lord Kazekage, I gave you the Vicodin at eleven, so you'll have to take it at five in the morning."

Loud groaning. Of course.

"I hope you feel better."

Everyone stood up, except for Gaara. He looked at his legs, then at Kankuro. "Kankuro, I can't feel my legs." He extended his arms out. "Carry me?"

OOO

"Gaara, are you eating chocolate with the Vicodin?"

"Yeah."

"This is why we had this problem in the first place!"