The Following Trailer is Rated NFM For No F##king Mercy!
From the author of what is without question the shitiest novel of all time, comes the cinematic sequel that managed to almost double production costs without showing any improvement whatsoever. It's kinda like the National Budget in movie form.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon!
After the meteoric clusterf##k that was the first movie, Edward and Bella have moved on with their boring ass lives, and are preparing to celebrate her birthday. When the festivities predictably go to shit, Edward suffers a contrived attack of relationship regret, and dumps Bella, which is probably the smartest decision that he makes in the whole saga.
Abandoned and alone, except for her family, friends, teachers, and classmates, Bella sinks into an extended state of sadness and depression, (Not that you'll be able to tell the difference from how she acts normally) only to find comfort in the arms of a sentient set of abs with a ponytail; which fails to prevent her from throwing herself off cliffs to get Edward's attention.
When Bella's bullshit finally results in Edward believing she is dead, he decides to do the reasonable thing, and travel to Italy and flash Catholics in order to receive the death penalty, prompting Bella to actually do something and save him before he does the franchise a huge favor, which ends with Bella telling Jacob to stuff it and recommitting herself to shovelface.
So witness the film that gave birth to the most hotly contested love triangle in living memory, giving rise to internet battles more ferocious than the Shipping Wars of Harry Potter, The Last Airbender, and Pokemon combined! Creating a virtual battlefield upon which lay the corpses of countless blogs, Twitter feeds, Facebook posts, and YouTube comments that made the ultimate sacrifice in defense of the right to chose between vampires or werewolves. Are you happy Stephanie Meyer? Behold the carnage thy works have wrought!
Starring:
Vatican Streaker- Edward
Suicide Watch- Bella
Grey Fullbuster- Jacob
The Predator- Laurente
Michael Jackson- Aro
The Twilight Saga: New Shit!
Do you realize that Twilight is the only romance in history where the couple is both underage, and overage? Ugh.
Epic voice time! As requested by JustAPersonReading.
"Twilight Was Still A Better Love Story Than Twilight"!
Please let me know if there is anything you would like to hear me say in my "Epic Voice."