Sweet Sorrow
By: Unrequited Love 143
XxXxX
Natsume's P.O.V
I walk down the long winding hallway filled with kids, as I make my way to my next class. I hide behind my raven dark bangs as I notice everyone growing bigger and myself getting smaller. Although one or two kids will catch my eye, I end up glaring at them, as they start to shrink smaller under my piercing eye. I meant to smile or even say hello to them, and start new relationships like I read in books, but I couldn't. I couldn't feel the urge or even the motivation to do anything around other people except glare. I only had a brief inkling of a feeling to talk to others but as soon as it came the feeling left. I can't feel anything. I'm numb inside. My feelings, actions, expressions, all of them are numb.
I've said crude things to multiple people not giving two cents as to what happens to them or me. Consequences meant nothing to me. People in general didn't matter to me. I could get suspended or even expelled one day for my actions but why do I care? Sometimes people get the courage to come up to me, acting all friendly with me, trying to understand me. But how can they comprehend what I'm going through when I don't even know myself what I'm going through?
I supposedly don't feel the 'right' emotions like suffering, empathize or love as my psychologist would say, but like I care what it feels like. I'm so confused inside my head. I supposedly don't feel the 'right' emotions yet I still feel bad and hurt by a lot or petty things… sometimes, even though I don't show it all the time. I hide my true feelings, which I don't fully comprehend. If I don't have the right feelings then what am I doing now? What am I feeling now?
I keep to myself hoping that one day I can get out of this cage that I built around me and get the courage to break it down. On the other hand I want to lock my heart away even more putting a 50ft barrier around it.
"Hi Natsume!" I hear a girl yell down the hall, interrupting my thoughts. This one idiotic girl keeps annoying me relentlessly every day trying to be 'best friends' with me. She told me on the first day we met that she wouldn't give up on me or leave me alone ever again no matter how many times I tried to push her away. I glare at her as she keeps pace beside me.
"Your silly little crimson eyed glare won't scare me you know!" She chirps happily. Her smile is radiant, as I can't help noticing.
"Leave me alone will you?" I say roughly. However deep, deep, very deep in my heart I don't want her too. Not that I could actually tell myself that convincingly. It was just an inkling of a feeling that I feel for everyone though.
"You can say whatever you want, but I want to understand you, you know." She says softly as her chocolate colored hair brushes the front of her face.
"Well maybe I don't want you too! Maybe you can't understand me!" I explode at her, kind of not wanting to say that while everyone in range takes a step back at my booming voice except her. Fortunately she holds on and keeps strong on me.
"Well one day you'll let me in your heart and I'll be here." She says unfazed by my yelling and with a smile in her voice.
"Do whatever you want." I say annoyed, not wanting to argue with her any further this morning.
"Okay! I accept that as a yes!" She giggles with happiness. I think she's an annoying girl who wouldn't and couldn't shut up. She makes me feel weird feelings and all but I'm not going to say any cheesy, sappy crap like love sick boys do in books… well I think that's what I'm feeling or acting based on books. Whatever, I'll dismiss these weird feelings and thoughts from my mind. She is annoying, loud and stupid. But I have a tiny lingering feeling that I don't want her to leave me.
She doesn't know how hard it is for me to feel like this around people. Not just people, but family and friends as well. I was fine before. I was somewhat more social before, but after the incident it's been torture for me to be around people. Now it's hard to say what I want to say. To see people, talk to them and have regular conversations with people without me lashing out at them. It's so hard to be confused about things that were clear before. It's like looking at a crystal clear lake than all of a sudden a dump truck comes and throws all their garbage and rubbish into it, destroying the reflection and clarity of the water, making it muddy and hard to see, hard to clean up again to make it clear again. That's how I feel inside of my head…I think. Being social for me was as clear as day until a huge wave of smog blocked out the sun. I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time when it comes to people, I only feel rage and anger and other mixed feelings!
She's rambling on and on about other things right now but I can't even concentrate on what she's saying because I can't think normally around other people. I don't know how to interact with other people normally anymore. Mikan's so friendly and like a social butterfly, while I'm a cocoon that never even had a chance to be born as I'm already on the ground broken and dismal. I don't want to taint her or bring her down with me.
"Actually, I changed my mind. Stay away from me." I say hastily.
"Nope, No can do." She says as she looks at me with her amber eyes and continues rambling on about random drabbles, as I continue my thoughts in my head. I decide to push her away, far, far, far away from me if I want her to retain her radiant smile which I will admit I like. No one will ever understand me… not her, not me. Antisocial personality disorder confuses me and tortures me emotionally as well as ruins my life. I'm not bringing anyone into this, especially Mikan; she's like a breath of fresh air while I'm still stuck in the dense suffocating fog. Goodbye Mikan but thank you for trying.
I walk in my class with this rambling girl beside me and as I close the classroom door as well as my heart, not noticing a small foot holding up the door.