Along comes Mary

Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain. Along comes Mary belongs to the Bloodhound Gang.

Note: I used to write Eragon fanfics but I left after all the stories were overpowered by a mass of Mary Sue stories. Please, don't let this happen to Percy Jackson section. My fears were realized when some Duck Air Sage called Aliya a Mary Sue. I have no idea if this is true or not. You decide. But this story is a warning, as such, and badly written as always.

Now, we were all doomed. Kronos had returned, and he and Zeus had caused death to swarm through the states, claiming hundreds of thousands of lives. No, I also don't know who counts these kinds of things. Kronos had one more thing to do. Me, Hades and Alex were drawn against a Wall Mart. Here, we would make our stand. Back to my life!

"Here comes Kronos." said Hades, grimly, lifting his scythe in one hand.

"It's either him, or a person who was repaired with Superglue." said Alex. Crude, yet accurate. Kronos did indeed give off the appearance of someone who was blown to bits and then stapled back together. Too bad he wasn't on governmental health plan. Then we would have to deal with this in twenty years if he doesn't die to dirty equipment.

"Hi Prommy." said Kronos, walking towards us with long purposeful strides. "Long time no See. I'm afraid I'm going to have to chop you up into little bits and throw your remains in High School musical DVD boxes, where no one will ever find them."

"You bastard!" yelled Alex. "We will kill you before you kill us!"

Kronos leered. "You can't stop me." he said. "No one can." Curses! He was about to destroy us! Goodbye planet earth! Say hi to Mars when I go to my inevitable demise!

"And now." said Kronos, raising his hands, and the earth trembled. "Feel my wrath!"

"Oh no you don't!" came a voice from the window still. A girl jumped out from behind some air and jumped between us and Kronos. She had glowing silver hair, beautiful golden eyes and an outfit that was so stylish yet simple it was an amazing.

"What the fuck?" yelled Kronos. "Oh No! A Mary Sue! I'm so screwed, despite the fact that I'm a billion times more powerful than her, she will still defeat me with her convenient array of magical items."

"That's right." said Mary smiling. "I shall now apply Paint thinner to your body, and make sarcastic comments while the holy glue melts and you fall apart." Hey! Why didn't we think of that?

"No!" said Kronos as he started to melt. "I'm melting! And I'm ripping off the Wizard of Oz? Pardon the pun but can I sink any lower than this?" Man, we really need to get something to clean that titnaly pool of titan remains up.

"Excuse, me." said Hades. "But who are you?"

"My name is Mary Sue." said Mary. "I have a vast array of talents. I host seven talk shows on cable. I am the actual writer of Beethoven's symphonies and all of Shakespeare's works. Despite the fact that I'm twelve I have a PHD in over seventy subjects. The rules of space and time don't apply to me."

"Dear god." said Hades. "I'm afraid you're making me so sick I'm having a seizure!"

"Don't worry, I have preformed more than seventy open heart surgeries using only a rusty razor and two kilograms of chlorine." said Mary.

"For the love of all things just let me die!" yelled Hades. I think I'm falling for this girl. I can't stop thinking about her, and how her hair falls so causally into another place instead of staying in one place. It's bewitching.

"Yeah." said Alex. "Well, I have over half off the world to repair. Gotta get going."

"You don't have to." said Mary. "I already repaired everything, rebuilt the government so that no one will have to pay taxes, ended poverty and homelessness and made free tuna casseroles for everyone."

'I wasn't serious." said Alex. "I just wanted to get outta of your company."

"Why does nobody like me?" asked Mary, burying her face in her hands, looking unbelievably hot as she did so. "I mean, it can't be my tragic past that was no fault of my own!"

"All right fine." said Alex. "Can't I say something really mean to you, then you go crying to Percy who will convince you that I'm wrong, and you will confront me and then I will see the error of my ways and worship you?" asked Alex.

"All right." said Mary, brightening up.

"I love you!" I yelled at the top of my voice. 'I love you so much! I love you so badly it's killing me inside! I want to grow old with you! I want to learn French so I can make witty and beautiful remarks about your general appearance!" Okay. That came out unexpectedly. Like Hades' constant vomiting.

" Uh, Percy I've already told you I'm not interested." said Alex. "I mean you're sweet and everything but."

"Not you! Her! I'm in love with her after only knowing her for three minutes!" I yelled.

Mary Sue blushed. "But what about Annabeth?" asked Hades, who was standing up.

"Who is Annabeth?" I asked. I hate it when they throw random names at me during my deep confessions of love.

"You can't remember Annabeth?" asked Alex, looking shocked.

"Uh, technically Annabeth does not exist anymore." said Hades, consulting his lap top. "According to this she and Percy never met because she was killed in a car accident seven years ago."

"It was no accident." said Mary, eyes flashing dangerously but oh so beautifully. "I knew she would come between me and my Percy so I went seven years back in time and pushed her in front of a train."

"You bitch!" yelled Alex. "I mean, Hades, I thought you said she was killed by a car." said Alex, changing his tone of voice.

"You can't expect me to always be sober while writing this." said Hades. I wonder who this Annabeth is?

"Come on Percy." said Mary. "You can't deny our undeniable feelings. Feel our feelings."

"I'm feeling it." said Hades. "I don't know what I'm feeling but I'm feeling it. Oh, it's just some more vomit." As Hades continued puking, I continued gazing into her eyes, which reminded me of deep calming lakes. Her hair was like a veil, which tried to hide her beautiful face.

"I don't know what you're thinking but stop it." said Alex. "You're giving me hives."

"Come Percy. We can be together forever. I will continue to love you and to do great things. Only we can stop forest fires." said Mary.

"I know." I said. "We can be very happy together." I walked closer to her. "Alex, can you burn her to death please, I couldn't do it myself."

"All right, I'm going to flame her to death!" yelled Hades and got out his laptop, and Alex readied a deadly flame in his hands.

"But we go perfectly together!" yelled Mary.

Yes, but you will steal my limelight." I said. Really, most people have no appreciation of who difficult it is to be me. "And I hate your name. And I think you dyed your hair and you are wearing colored contacts. So now, please die a horrible death."

"No!" she yelled. "This is not how it's supposed to end! I WILL BE" She was cut off.; Or burned off. Alex's fire killed her.

"No! The Armageddon flame!" yelled a bystander. "We are all doomed!" He was wrong. We were all saved.

I supposed this will offend many people, but hopefully it will save more people than it offends.