(Set after The Three Days Rule)
When Ted walked into Barney's office the next day, the very last thing he expected to see was Barney, with his tongue down Marshall's throat. And okay, his traumatized brain kept telling him that maybe the odds of him walking in on Barney's with his tongue down someone's throat were pretty high, but it was usually a female someone.
The tongue thing wasn't even the worst of it. Marshall had his shirt and pants off, and was standing there in his boxers. Barney had his shirt off, and from what Ted could see, Marshall was struggling to unbuckle his belt.
All this was happening on Barney's leather couch.
Interestingly (or horrifically, depending on how you looked at it), when the pair became aware of Ted standing in the doorway, Barney simply turned his head and said "Oh, hey Ted. Glad you could make it," as if nothing particularly unusual was going on.
Ted gaped and, after a moment, exploded with, "What in the hell's going on here?" Even as he said it, he realized that it made him sound way judgemental and conservative, but damn it there was Lily to think about!
Barney's reaction was just to grin. Marshall, who seemed to be struggling for air with Barney sprawled on top of him, waved his hand in a gesture that Ted couldn't even begin to understand. "Dude!" Marshall managed, once Barney stopped kissing him. "Isn't this about Ted?"
Barney looked down at him and rolled his eyes, using a tone that Ted had heard Lily use on her dumbest kindergarten pupils. "Marshall, are you still going to insist that you could blow Ted's mind? Come on, you're not me. You're not even Stan!" he said, pushing himself up on (incredibly well-muscled, Ted was embarrassed to notice) arms and placing the flat of his palm on his chest. "You've tasted the goods," Barney continued, "now admit that mine is the superior dish!"
Marshall guffawed. "Dude, I admit no such thing! For a start, I'm me and not Ted. Ted's tastes in men may be very different!"
"I don't have any tastes in men!" Ted protested. "For the last time, guys, I didn't have any gay dreams! I'm not gay!"
"Neither are we," Barney pointed out, all evidence to the contrary, and let out a long suffering sigh. He pushed himself off the couch and walked over to Ted, his pants sliding right down almost to mid thigh.
Another thing that Ted couldn't help noticing was the shape and size of Barney's erection in his boxers. Damn, this was so not good. As Barney got closer there was a definite warm, stirring sensation in his own groin.
"I think we're gonna have to settle this once and for all," Barney suggested, beckoning Marshall to get up and join him, them both backing Ted into a corner of the room.
"Dibs!" Marshall said, grinning. Ted shook his head rapidly but then Barney captured his face between his palms and kissed him, hard and long, and he tasted nice. The word that (mortifyingly) went through Ted's brain was "yummy."
He felt pressure and movement down the front of his jeans. He yelped into Barney's mouth while realizing that Marshall was yanking his pants down. This was all just so wrong!
Then why did it feel so awesome?
Before Ted could fight them off, it seemed like Marshall has slid his mouth around the head of his dick and Barney's fingers had cleverly managed (somehow, god Ted wanted to learn that trick) to get under his t-shirt without Ted ever being aware of it.
It just all happened so fast.
And then when Ted was groaning and Marshall was slurping and Barney's hands were everywhere, Barney leaned in to Ted's ear and said, "Bro, you do know that you're gonna have to stay here until you're ready to go again, just so I get my fair turn don't you?"
And with that, Ted came…
He woke up suddenly, gasping, and shivering, his belly covered in something warm and sticky, and he cursed and cursed under his breath until his throat ached and his lungs were sore. Thankfully, even if he told anybody about that dream, no-one would ever believe him.