Author note: this is the first fanfiction I have ever written, plus English is not my first language. So place be nice when you review. I would love to hear your comments and opinion about the story.
The story is a missing moment that takes place after Dereck's dead and after Ellis is born. Amelia, Meredith and Maggie all live in the old Meredith's house.
I need it. I need all of this to go away. I need some numbness because I feel like my head is going to explode. I got some form the junky doc today because I need to function and I can't, I can't function, there's too much pain, I don't want to. I am alone. I don't want to be alone. Everyone has left everyone has died, I don't want to be alone.
I can't if I take it it's not going to be the last one. I take oxy I won't be able to stop; I can't do it right now I am not strong enough. But I need it. But I RECOVERED TWICE, I can't do it a third time. Damn it.
"Aunt Amy can you read me a story before bed?" I come back to reality and squat so I can see Zola in the eyes.
"Of course sweetie" I tell her stroking her curly hair.
"Aunt Amy are you sad?" She asks cupping my face with her little hand. I smile at this little girl who melts my heart every day.
"No Zozo, I'm just tired, why don't we go to find a book?" I ask scooping her into my arms. She rests her head on my shoulder as she whispers a thank you. Since Ellis was born Zola has put on the big girl face and looked after her sibling as much as she could. She never asked for attention almost as she had to take care of her sister and her brother before herself. But we knew what she was doing.
"Amy can I get unicorn rainbow nail polish tomorrow?" she asks giggling. "Yeah of curse" I answer tickling her.
Waking up the stairs and letting her pick the boos while still holding her I realize how much holding Zola calms me from my inner mess. I squeeze her a little tighter grateful that she's letting her tiny walls down with me tonight since my sisters are working and the kids are at the hospital.
Once we have read the story she is still wild awake. "why don't you try to read the book Uncle Alex gave you the other day?" I ask reaching for the big colourful book. She is only five but somehow I was reading her goodnight story when she started reading it on her own. Derek would be so proud of her. I hand her the book and she starts reading.
When she starts to fall asleep I try to untangle her little body from mine, two chocolate eyes look at me.
"Aunt Amy, before you go can you do the magic?" she whispers hiding against my side. I nod as I take a deep breath and raise my hands above her heard.
"Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away. Good dreams, good dreams, here to stay.
Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away. Good dreams, good dreams, here to stay.
Bad dreams, bad dreams, go away. Good dreams, good dreams, here to stay." Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I repeat it, I miss my unicorn baby so much. I have only had him in my arms for a few minutes but there's nothing I will ever miss more in my life. He would be almost the same age as Zola. I feel like dying as I think of the cake he didn't have for his birthday today.
"thank you Amy" she says still snuggling in my belly, "welcome honey" reply hugging her why weeping away the tears.
I then get up and leave the room leaving the door open trying to get my breath steady as I head to the kitchen.
I pour myself some tea as I try to work through the ton of paperwork I have to get done before tomorrow.
The phone rings and I as I see that's Addy I curse and thank her at the same time.
"Hey" I say softly. "Hey Amy, I just wanted to make sure you were ok, you know. You didn't call today." I can hear her worry and care, I promised I would have called her but I didn't, I couldn't bring myself to talk about him.
"How was today?" she knows what day it is and she knows me.
"It… it was fine, I clipped aneurysms all day long and then I headed home with Zola, Meredith and the kids are at the hospital." I try to sound as convincing as possible but the truth is it was everything but fine. Of course, I looked fine, but everything I could think about today is what would be like to have him here, to buy him birthday presents and to bring him having ice-cream for his birthday. I miss my baby so much.
We fall into a comfortable silence, I can almost hear her brain working to find something to say.
"Amy… I know you, you are not fine, but that's ok. You don't need to be strong, Baby Girl." She hasn't use that nick name since I was I teenager, somehow she always manages to make me simile.
"Ok, hum… hey need to go, I'll call you ok ?!" I need this conversation to stop, there's only so much I can take. I start to feel this need again and now I really really need to go.
"OK…" "Wait, Amy… I love you, bye" the line goes dead and I shove down the rest of my tea. The truth is right now I want something much stronger than tea.
I course at Meredith far having alcohol in the house but at the same time, I know people can't just give up alcohol because I have an addiction problem.
I keep working on paper work up until my hand goes numb and my brain is like jello.
I turn on tv trying to get distracted watching a crappy tv show while I am actually lost in my thoughts.
The cry of a baby comes loud and sharp from the tv. I can't help it.
All over I sudden all I can hear is the noise of my baby in my arms, my beautiful an perfect baby.
I need to get out I need to get fresh hair; I get up but my knees give up on me.
My beautiful and perfect aby is gone. I killed him, I killed my baby. I should have died not him. He paid for my mistakes, it was my fault I should have died. Not my beautiful and perfect baby. I carve my nails in my palms trying to get some kind of relive. My baby had no brain. I am a damn neurosurgeon and my baby has no brain. There's no god with a sense of humour. And if there is he is damn evil. You God, want to kill me and destroy me ok.
I'm so sorry Meredith, you are going to hate me because you trusted me with Zola but I can't take it anymore.
I'm sorry Addy, but it's not your fault is not you. You are perfect and kind and loving, I am the wrong one. I am an awful mess and I want to stop this. I can't function, I can't breathe, I heart is being squeezed in a cage and against a knife and now is just too much. I pushed everyone out I don't have anyone. Everyone as either left of died. If I disappear none cares.
I just want all of this to just stop…
I just want all of this…
I just want to stop…
I run upstairs and get the bad of pills. There's eight. four I go numb eight I die. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. I have been working so hard. But I can't take it anymore. I can't be strong anymore.
A loud and chilling scream fills the silence of the house.
I take all of them out of the bag. I can't if I take it will be over. I need it. it's not going to be the last one. I need all of this to go away. Away. I can't deal. I just need to stop feeling. Please make it stop. Please. It's ripping me open. Please just make it stop!
Another scream, this time it sends me chills all over my spine. Tear are streaming again. You are a stupid weak bitch Amelia. It's your fault if everyone left you. It's your fault, it's your fault if you baby died!
Something hit me. Something is containing me. I suddenly put the pills back in and throw it on the floor. As I get back to reality I realize something is Zola. She is hugging by legs and hyperventilating. I mechanically turn around and pick her up. She wraps around my torso and squeezes me hard. It hurts but somehow I feel now grounded and here as I start sobbing and weeping.
I keep sobbing and weeping until I lose track of time, until I found myself laying in bad with Zola still crying in my arms. I gently start stroking her back. I rock her from side to side thinking that if she was mine I would want someone to do that. I whisper her something I can't remember.
She looks up at me and with her little fingers gently tries to weep away my tears. I Can't not smile. Then Zola moves further down placing her head between my breasts and her hand on my left.
"Your heart is beating" she says with relive. I am confused, of course it's beating.
"you are alive, he told me you were going away like daddy!" Sobs are coming back and I squeeze her tight.
"Baby girl I am ok, everything is ok. It was just a bad dream" Except it wasn't. I would have done this to her. I can't do this to her, to Meredith or Addy or Dereck, I can't I need to make this right.
"Zola what happened? Did you have a bad dream?" as I ask she starts to play my hair, after a while, she places a kiss over my collar bone and answers "There was a boy with a unicorn t-shirt and a blue hat. A-and he was my best friend in the world, and he was scared because he told me that you were going to die like daddy. And we didn't want you to die. Please don't die, I don't want you to die. Please stay with me!"
My heart sinks, a boy with a unicorn t-shirt. My boy with the unicorn t-shirt. My boy saved me. They saved me together. Tears came back. Joy and grief all together. Once again I hug my nice. She saved me. "I am not going anywhere, I promise. I am staying here with you. I am here, we are here and everything is ok. Everything is going to be ok." I hold her and is peaceful and nice and I can breathe again. I can breathe again. I promised. Everything is going to be ok. I will protect her. She won't be like me. I will protect her.
"thank you" is the last thing she says before going back to rest her head on my heart. In peace I stroke her back until she falls asleep in my arms. I keep stoking her back feeling finally in peace.
"Hey is 3 am where's…" Meredith walk's in my room. She looks at me for a second and I know she knows something is wrong. I look at her guilty relieved anxious and scared. "She had a bad dream and she felt asleep in my arms, I didn't want to mover her." I say. She moves further in my room coming towards the bed.
I bite my lips. I need her to take it away but I am terrified she will freak out and forbid me to see the kids ever again. "there's something on the floor… can you please.." I can't look at her I close my eyes and smell Zola's sentence before is too late. I hear the toilet flushing and open my eyes only when I know Meredith is staring at me.
"Mer, I…" I try but I don't know what to say, I thigh my grip on Zola, please don't take her away. she walks towards the bed, sits on the opposite side before climbing in. She stares at me and Zola for a little while. Coming close she puts her hand on mine gripping to Zozo.
"Amelia you are my sister, that means you will always have me and I will always love you no matter what you do. As long as they are safe I will never take the kids away from you. You keep them safe and happy. You are a survivor and I am really proud of you Amy. We need to talk about what happened but not now. Now we sleep." I am in shock. She doesn't hate me. I can still see and help raising the kids. I have a family. I am not alone.
She looks at me with tender eyes, she places a kiss on my temple and lays down immediately falling asleep. "Thank you" I whisper while closing my eyes embrace this little angel.
I hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think! Mirta GF