I look around and I see flowers, plenty of flowers. I look around and see a lot of people, a lot of people that I don't even know, but somehow they all know me. They come up to me and state how they have known me since I was this tall, using a gesture to show my alleged height at the time. They also tell me how much I've grown. However, since I'm short I really don't think I've grown that much.
After that they presume to know how I feel, what I'm thinking. Except that as much as they might think they know, they don't know. They don't know how I feel or what I'm thinking. The truth is that I'm not thinking anything and I really don't feel anything. I feel empty, like I was in a dunk-booth and someone hit the trigger to cause the platform to fall from under me. My whole world revolved around him. More people come to talk to me. Tell me that they're sorry, although they didn't do anything and sorry won't bring him back.
"I haven't seen you since last Saturday," says a familiar voice behind me.
I turn around and gave him a hug as in his ear I whispered, "Hi Pacey."
"Hey," he states, "How are you doing?" All day I've hated when people ask me this but when he says it, it's actually is comforting.
"Ok," I reply quietly back.
"You don't have to be so strong all the time," Pacey states.
"I have to. I have to for him," I reply.
I see Joey coming up behind him. Pacey and she have been together for as long as I can remember and have been married for fourteen years. They live in New York and every Saturday they come to pick me up or to stay in town for the night. She has the twins with her. They'll be thirteen in a month. They're lucky, they have both their parents and I have neither.
"Hi," Joey states calmly, as she reaches us.
"Hey," I mumble back. Even though I've spent many a Saturday nights with her, I really don't feel like talking to her at the moment.
"I'm sorry," she says, as she gives me a hug. She's quieter then the first time. Then the twins, Jacob and Katie, mimic her and both give me a hug.
"Thanks," is all I can manage to get out. I'm tired of people saying I'm sorry and I'm tired of people asking how I am doing. Fifty bucks says that that's the next thing to come out of her mouth. Before she can manage to say something else, someone I don't know gives me a hug, asks me how I'm doing and walks away. If one more person comes up and says this to me I'm going to lose it.
"Don't you just hate when they do that?" Joey states. I forgot she was still standing next to me.
"Do what?" I ask.
"Ask how you're doing. It's the worst. Then again 'I'm sorry' isn't much better," she says with a smile. I know she knows how I feel. She lost her mother when she was the twin's age. Then again I really don't feel anything so how can she know. She leaves to go say hi to her sister, Bessie, leaving Pacey and me alone once again.
"How's Doug?" Pacey asks.
"He looks strong but he's a mess," I state, and then I add, "He loves him as much as I do, maybe even more."
"It'll get better. I promise," Pacey says. Even though he means well how can he promise that. It can't get better, he's gone.
"He's gone," as I whisper this, someone comes to give their condolences and I lose all my discipline. As it hits me like a tidal-wave, I start screaming, "He's gone. He's my whole world and he's gone. He left me alone," Pacey tries to hug me but I just pull away.
"No he's gone, he's never coming back and no matter what you say or do you can't change that. Nobody can. My dad's gone and my other dad is in pieces because not only did he loose his love, he now has to raise a sixteen year old girl by himself, all because he left us. He left me and he promised he wouldn't," I get quieter now as I notice that I've caused a scene, "he promised he would never leave."
I let Pacey pull me into a hug this time. He hands me an ugly green hanker chief that only Pacey would own. I realize why I felt empty before. I didn't want to feel this. I didn't want to feel the hurt, the pain of loosing him. I was too young when my mother died to feel this pain. I never want to feel this pain again.
As I gain some composure, I look around. I see the casket, I see my dad, my Jack, lying there. As I look at him it occurs to me, he gets to be with his best friend, my mother, now. Maybe that's why he looks so peaceful. As I look around I see all the people that were touched by him, that loved him. I pull away from Pacey and look into his eyes. I'm not alone, I have Pacey. I have Doug, Joey, the twins, everyone here right now. I realize it now. They're not here for Jack, he's gone. They're here for me. I walk to his casket, I look at him. He looks so peaceful.
"Goodbye," I whisper, as I lean down to give him a kiss, "look after mom for me." I know he will, just as he knows that Pacey, and Doug will look after me.