100 Reasons Why I'm Not Allowed On the Enterprise!
I own nothing other than the reasons.
1. Getting bored and running onto bridge screaming; "Troll! In the dungeon, thought you ought to know." Then collapsing.
2. Punching (Slapping's overrated anyway, right?) Kirk when he does something stupid.
3. Trying to get Spock and Kirk together.
4. Starting a betting pool on when they will get together.
5. Teaming up with Chekov to pull pranks.
6. Showing the crew Netflix.
7. Whispering; "Kiss." Every time Kirk and Spock are really, really close to each other.
8. Being illogical just to annoy Spock.
9. Sitting in the Captain's chair and doing terrible impressions of the crew over the intercom.
10. Playing Poker and beating everybody at it.
11. Teaching the crew how to break dance.
12. Holding annual dances.
13. Asking Kirk out to the dance for Spock, and telling Spock later.
14. Taking control of the Enterprise down in engineering and sending them back in time.
15. Anytime something happens to either Spock or Kirk, tell the other one; "Go to your husband, I'll manage here."
16. Messing with Spock's Chess computer so it keeps doing illegal moves.
17. Showing them Tumblr.
18. Showing them .
19. Sword fighting with Mr. Sulu.
20. Teaching Spock Poker.
21. PunchingSpock when I think he's being treasonous.
22. Jokingly telling Spock when they are trapped in a cage; "Spock, quick, use your pointy ears and pick the lock!"
23. Purposefully getting Spock and Bones to argue, and banter.
24. When they get sent back in time I use the transporter beam to beam people up from the planet to watch their reactions to seeing a space ship.
25. Sending them back in time to go to a comic-con.
26. Crying every time Kirk falls in love and tell him that he should've been with Spock.
27. Spraying glitter over Spock's uniforms.
28. Spraying glitter over Kirk's uniforms.
29. Filling the bridge with Tribbles.
30. Filling the bride with cats.
31. Using holograms to make Captain Kirk think he's sitting on his chair, but he's actually sitting down into a pool.
32. I will put a pool on the Enterprise.
33. Making the Enterprise play the ten-hour version of Sugar-Rush.
34. Anytime someone dies on the Enterprise tell the captain by saying; "Murder on the U.S.S. Enterprise."
35. I proceed by getting in a deer stalker, take out a gigantic magnifying glass and a pipe, go around looking for clues.
36. Puke anytime Kirk kisses another person.
37. Anytime someone asks for my name I say: "Bond, James Bond."
38. Have annual movie night.
39. Show Star Wars…. Let the very long drawn out arguments begin.
40. Give Mr. Sulu a lightsaber.
41. Invent the lightsaber.
42. I spray-paint a smiley face on the wall of the bridge.
43. I proceed by shooting it with a phasor, saying; "Bored."
44. Anytime someone dies I throw myself to the ground saying; "He was too young. He had such a long life to live. He shouldn't have died!"
45. I then proceed to fake sob.
46. Anytime I'm told I have to clean pretend to faint and only wake up when another person has cleaned.
47. Anytime I come up from a planet after a long time say: "Well, they didn't burn down the house…. How in the hell did they manage?"
48. Hide Scotty's scotch.
49. Eat popcorn when he starts a fight over it. (1. You Stole it. 2. You Stole it. Or 3 YOU STOLE IT... Yes this is a quote from SpongeBob!)
50. Ask Scotty when he's going to marry the Enterprise.
51. Be sarcastic at the absolute wrong moment causing us to be taken into custody.
52. My only defense is; "I have no impulse control."
53. Introducing standup comedy to the crew.
54. Having annual (...Every night) dinner and shows for the good comedians.
55. Being late because I refused to move until I was allowed to go back in time to go to a water park.
56. If I am a redshirt and I am told to go down to the planet on a survey team, pretend to faint and only 'wake up' when the team has gone down there.
57. I proceed with going back to the Academy to become a science officer, so I don't have to be a redshirt.
58. Get the crew into old-fashion arcade games.
59. Open up a mini-arcade on the ship and all the money goes to me.
60. Ask how they always have 430 crewmen if the redshirts keep dying.
61. Ask why only the redshirts die.
62. Next movie night show Doctor Who. (Yes I know it's not a movie but who in the hell cares?)
63. Eat popcorn while they argue about the show.
64. Laugh every time Spock says 'Illogical.' During the shows.
65. Oh yeah, I almost forgot; show the crew popcorn, cotton candy and M'N M's.
66. But don't tell them what it's called so they can never order it again.
67. Barricade myself in my room so they can't get to me.
68. Help in the fist fight between the Klingons and Scotty, Chekov and the redshirt the during the episode 'Trouble with Tribbles.' ... I would've stopped Scotty to have the privilege of throwing the first punch!
69. Sit in a space suit on the landing dock with it open with a fishing rod. Then use the fishing rod, to fish for space debris.
70. Anytime I catch something use the communicator and call up the bridge saying: "I've caught a big one! Fire up the grill we're having Space debris for dinner!"
71. Get them into Pokemon Go!
72. Laugh as they constantly argue about who's team is better.
73. Next movie night is Sherlock.
74. Laugh at their despair during Sherlock's fall.
75. Pretend that Sherlock actually died by saying; "I am surprised they made another season without him."
76. Make Milkshakes appear on the bridge.
77. Don't tell them how to make them or what it's called.
78. Spend another week barricaded in my room.
79. Show them TNG.
80. Let the lovely hate begin.
81. When communications post is open, use it to pull prank calls.
82. Anytime Spock and Kirk are in close proximity and sharing looks I say; "Should I expect a happy announcement by the end of the week?"
83. Fake sob when they say no.
84. After two months 'find' Scotty's scotch.
85. Tell Spock he should go as the devil for Halloween.
86. Hold Halloween parties.
87. Give Spock a pitchfork on a planet and tell the inhabitants that he is the devil.
88. Play devils abdicate with the Captain while he is trying to make an important decision.
89. Get a group of the crew together to do the play 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise'.
90. Hack the food replicator so it always comes out with rotten milk no matter what they order.
91. I will fill the bridge with balloons.
92. I will hack the systems so that when they push a button it plays the ten-hour version pink-fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows.
93. Start a swords club. The meetings are held on the bridge.
94. I 'accidentally' strand Spock on a planet that is illogical and emotional.
95. Tell the crew ghost stories.
96. I use the transporter beam to make people believe that the place is haunted.
97. Next movie night is Christmas Eve, and I play Grinch.
98. I start the new trend of calling Spock, Grinch/Mr. Grinch/Grinchy.
99. I fill the Enterprise with snow.
100 (Finally!). Anytime someone tries to contact the Enterprise I respond with this: 'Hello this is Space Diner, what would you like to order, yes we do deliver!".
So….. Yes I am evil. Buuut if you didn't find me evil enough in this one you will in this fic!:
100 Reason's why I am not allowed in 221 B Baker Street.
Also I don't hate any of the characters in the fandom, this is just me joking around. (Though I would do half this stuff...)
I understand that some people will hate this, please don't leave your hate in the reviews because this was more for me to enjoy writing rather than to be shot down by jerks.