hey guys well girls, although im more than aware there are fellas on fanfiction too.. Anyway this chapter is actually based on true life events.. Hence why its so weird at the begining, but after reading over it, I thought it was fit for fanfiction... Anyway, I dont know whats going to happen in this story as I dont know whats happening with me and the person I based this story on.. so either way enjoy and Il update soon. PROMISE... jenxxxxxx

Id often wondered what it was like to lose a friend to lose the one person you truly cared for and believed you loved. I never knew it was going to happen to me one day and when it did happen all I registered was the pain and the unfamiliar feelings I had going true me.

My friends had always told me they taught him to be a jerk an idiot and any other offensive name he could have been called. I on the other hand could only see the goodness in him as he had cared for me given me advice when I needed it. After five years of being friends he was like a big brother figure to me and I loved him for it, only I didn't know you could love someone so much and they not love you back.

I sat in my room after I wrecked that all important friendship. I wouldn't let myself cry not over him and not over something as stupid as offending his mother in a text message which was only a simple opinion but unfortunately this was the text that he was going to over-react to.

I never knew asking some-one to go somewhere could result so badly for me. I knew he wouldn't go but I made matters worst by saying that it was probably his mother thinking that going out would be a distraction and that instead he would have to sit at home and baby-sit his baby brother and so he was 17 and had no social life.

At the time I didn't think it was that bad, I was just being honest and as a result I lost the one person I cared about the one person I thought that no matter what went wrong in my life hed always be in it and that was my mistake.

You might say that I depended to much on him, like he kept the many broken pieces of me together and to a certain extent he did. He knew how to make me laugh, knew what was going on in my life and I could trust him with anything no matter how big or small it was.

I often pondered what my life would be like once he know longer occupied that space I had dedicated to him and now I knew I was destitute and would never truly be happy without him and that Id always have to settle for second best.

When he had left my life collapsed but I refused to give up, I knew that would make me weak and I couldn't deal with that on top everything else.

He was my rock my safe haven but he never understood how much I needed him to survive or how hard breathing was for me when he wasn't around.

I know most of you are thinking this is my fault and you should have just kept your mouth shut and you'd still have him but what would you do? Pretend you didn't care he wasn't going, pretend you had someone else to ask well he knew I didn't so why bother to pretend. Honesty is the best key right??

I sat in my room looking at the one picture of us together. The way we stood suggested there was something more but there wasn't, just too friends one more depended on the other. I wondered if the tables were reversed and I was the one insulted by him would I have reacted this way and I really hoped not, I hoped I was more mature than that, able to see things from his point of view. But right now I was just struggling to get by without him, having already apologized I didn't know what else I could do.

Clearly he hated me, didn't he??

What no one understood was that Edward and I were like ying and yang well in my opinion we were. There would always be that pull between us. Even if we tried to fight against it, we would eventually go back to each other. It had happened many times and I was always the one to apologize but this time was different. I wasn't going to cave. I had apologized by text instead of ringing and I knew it was unlikely hed except but what more could I do beg for forgiveness. Fucking unlikely. I wasn't that girl. I used to be but not any more he had taught me not to compromise myself. Well why would I do it now? I needed him and I believe he needed me so why was this so hard? Why couldn't we just go back to being Bella and Edward?

Friends had always said we'd get married, now that just seemed so wrong. I couldn't even think about it. It just hurt to much. I knew he hadn't told anyone about what when down. It wasn't his style. His family knew obviously but I couldn't prevent that.

I spend the weekend moping and venting and sitting in my room and listening to songs that reminded me of him. Pathetic I know but I really couldn't help it. I felt closer to him that way. School was going to be hell and Gah BIOLOGY fuck it. Awkward silences or was he going to pretend like nothing was wrong. God my nightmares were nothing compared to what Monday would be like.

I woke earlier than usual but I got ready anyway. I dressed in my favourite blue jeans and a pale blue blouse that made me look great (Well Edward thought it did). I brushed my hair and pulled it up into a high ponytail. I had taken to wearing make-up over the years and this always took awhile. I ditched the eye-liner and mascara incase I ended up crying but in all I looked all right. I put on my favourite hat and left.

I arrived at school earlier than usual but I really wasn't that concern at least he wasn't here let. I went to my locker and pulled out the books I needed for my first three Classes and then I saw it. My picture of Edward from my sixteen birthday. God he was fine. I didn't want to have to look at that every time I opened my locker so I pulled it down and placed it on the locker beside mine. It was Edwards. I swear you think I would have predicted something like this. Good things don't last for ever. Well they might for other people but not me. I wasn't that fortunate.

I was gone to class before he had arrived and was relieved I only had Biology with him. However trying to avoid Alice would be trickier. I had Spanish with Alice first thing. Trying to get around Edwards sister always proved hard for me. She knew just as much about me as Edward did. Except she knew a more important secret that he would now never know. I was in love with Edward.

I sat and waited for her to arrive. She didn't take that long she arrive two minutes after me and the classroom was empty. Great I needed witnesses' like. This probably wasn't going to go well. I was not going to be the first to speak as she'd probably accuse me of butting across her.

"Bella?" she pulled out the chair beside me. I acknowledged her but other than that I didn't speak.

"Edward told me what you said, And I'm shocked, you know he gets in trouble for trying to spend time with you.." I knew that but still I wasn't in the mood to be bitched at.

"That's great now you can hate me too. I'm aware he goes out of his way to spend time with me but Alice he's seventeen Esme can't protect him forever."

"I know you have a point Bella and I understand that, but Edward loves her he's her protector he'd do anything for her, even stop being friends with you if its what best" I knew this but again I didn't want to acknowledge it. Edward put Esme before everyone and I was getting sick of it maybe that's why I was continuing this fight when already it should have ended.

"Maybe that's what I want! I can't always be second best to your mother Alice. I know that's selfish but I can't help it. You don't know what it's like to have the one person you want throw you aside in favour of his mother" I could feel the tears in my eyes and was glad to have gone without mascara.

"Oh Bella, I see what you mean" Alice had me cradled in her arms. I couldn't console myself. Just then Ms. Goff walked in.

"Bella are you alright?"

"No , could I be excused?"

"Of course dear. If your not back in ten minutes I'll send Alice to you I assume you'll be in the bathroom" I nodded and left the room. I was aware Edward saw me on his way to class but I just made my way to the bathroom. I went to one of the stalls and grabbed some toilet paper and began carefully dabbing my eyes.

I noticed the door open slightly.

"Bella are you okay?" Edwards voice floated into the bathroom.

"Fine" I lied. He walked in moments later but I didn't acknowledge him.

"You don't look fine" His eyes ran over my face and I sniffled.

"Ah well I can't look perfect all the time." I wiped my eyes again as I spoke.

"No one expects you to."

"Can you stop being so fucking nice? I insulted you and so you insulted me right back or do you not remember the messages you sent me? Incase you don't I'm ugly and idiotic and also I'm not allowed to tell you what I'm thinking in fear of you flipping out at me." I ranted unable to contain myself.

"Bella I was angry, Of course what you think is important to me, I just wished you wouldn't think some things but sometimes shit like that can't be prevented" Just then Alice walked in.

"Oh sorry Ms. Goff is coming in ten minutes Bella. So whatever your saying. Id advise you say it fast." she spoke quickly and noticed I was still crying and nodded.

"Edward you know your one of the most confusing people on the planet" He smiled.

"Don't I know it."

"You see the thing is, what's going to prevent you from flipping at me next time I say something you don't like and so I'll always have that fear and I can't do it. I can't hurt you and then in turn hurt myself. I hope you can understand and if you can't I hope one day you will" I hopped down from the sink ledge.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and leant my head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry Edward" I walked away leaving him frozen in the girls bathroom.

"Is he okay?" Alice asked as soon as I left the bathroom.

"No, go talk to him tell him to go home and that you'll be there after this class" she was back in record time.

"Ms. Goff awaits and Alice don't tell him I'm in love with him and that's why I did what I did. I cant hurt him again. So I can't be friends with him if this doesn't kill him eventually something I do will"

I knew Alice taught I was being dramatic but I wasn't, I wasn't good for Edward and it took me five years to see this.