Author's Note: This is the first time I've ever tried Firefly fan-fic. My use of pinyin will be a little slow until I get used to it, so bear with me. I am working on my own novel, so the updates may be sporadic. I love feedback and welcome constructive crits. I don't currently have a Beta-reader so if you see any mistakes, please point them out. I tend to edit my writing periodically, so if I make changes to chapters, I'll be sure to let everyone know. Chapters 2 and 3 should be up later tonight. This story has a soundtrack and I plan to set up a playlist on for anyone who's interested. I'll be sure to note any music in the notes before each chapter. Enjoy!

(Oh, and before I forget, please insert the standard disclaimer here.)

(Also, to anyone who is reading my other fics and stumbled in here...Yes, I plan on updating both of them soon...like this weekend soon, so keep an eye out.)

Chapter 1

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world." - Oscar Wilde

Morpheus, God of Dreams. As River stared out the windows of Serenity's cockpit watching the bright lights of the planet glitter below her she thought the name was apt. The scene laid out beneath her looked like a dream scape Bright colors and movement trapped between vast expanses of darkness. She could see her own face reflecting back at her through the glass of Serenity's windows and she thought she wasn't so different from the planet below. All darkness with sudden flashes of light.

"Cap'n wants to know when we'll break atmo."

The sudden voice behind her made her jump slightly and she knew who it was before she turned around. The energy swirling around her was hard to mistake. She turned in her seat and looked over her shoulder. Jayne Cobb stood in the doorway of the cockpit, one hand supporting him on the outside of the door while he leaned in, his head tilted, waiting for her answer. She could feel the rise and fall of his breath in her own chest and she fought the urge to inhale deeply, instead she smiled lightly and answered, "We'll be down in ten."

The big man grunted briefly before disappearing down the corridor again. River sighed as she watched his departing back, then turned her attention to the flight controls again and began the landing sequence, her mind wandering as she ran through the movements that had become second nature to her. In the six months since the events on Miranda, River had learned to control her outbursts, to hide the chaos whirling through her mind from the others.

Even though she had become quite adept at masking the turmoil roiling within her, the crew still tended to treat her like she was made of glass. She knew that they were worried that she would lose control again, like she had done in Maidenhead. She knew that although they cared for her, deep inside they were all a little afraid of her. She'd even sensed the fear in her brother, and, for the first time since she'd been in the Academy, she had begun to feel truly alone.

Of course, none of that kept the Captain from making use of her skills as a Reader. Since Miranda, she hadn't needed to kill anyone, but they all knew she was capable of doing it with great ease. So she went along on all of the jobs, hanging in the back of the group, listening, searching others minds for hints of deception or malevolence. She never complained, never faltered, but she was aware that as much as they needed her, their fear kept them from truly accepting her.

Flipping the final switch to begin the landing sequence she shook her head and wiped at the single tear that rolled down her cheek. Crying was weak, and she wasn't weak. She would never allow anyone to see that side of her again. She had locked the pain and the fear deep inside and she never meant to let it out again. Only in her loneliest moments did she let herself think about the things she wanted most. Now as she watched the Nightside docks get closer and the lights of Pathos get brighter she allowed herself one of those moments. What she really dreamed of was finding a place where everyone was different and no one knew her. A place where she could escape into the background and blend in.

She landed Serenity gently and disengaged the engines before she stood up from her seat behind the flight controls and walked the short distance to the doorway. Pausing she glanced over her shoulder to look at the lights one last time before she left. There was work to be done, thoughts to be sifted through, feelings to discern. She pushed the bitter pain back down and walked down the corridor, the captain would want to talk to everyone before they left the ship and she would be expected to be there, even though she already knew the part she had to play.

oOo

Mal stood in the cargo bay and watched as his crew gathered around him. The months since Miranda had changed all of them, some for the better, some in ways you wouldn't really notice if you weren't looking for it, but all of them had changed. Zoe was harder, Jayne was almost introspective, Kaylee was more persistent in her cheer than ever before, like she was trying to make up for the hole left by their loss. As River came down the stairs his thoughts turned to her. She had changed the most. Where there had once been an unpredictable little girl, scared and helpless, there was a young woman, quiet and reserved. He wasn't sure when he'd noticed the change really, it just sort of crept up on him. One day he simply realized she wasn't talking in riddles or chasing after Kaylee in the cargo bay any more.

When she finally joined the group, he cleared his throat, "All right, here's how it's gonna go. We got us a job here, gonna meet up with the client...Jayne, Zoe, River.. I'll need you to be comin' with me for that," he said before turning to where Kaylee stood with the Doc, "You two just sit tight, shouldn't take us to long to get ourselves squared away."

"How long we gonna be planet side Cap?" Kaylee asked, hope shining in her eyes, "I'd sure like to go into Pathos and have a look around."

"We'll be stayin for two days. Get supplies laid in and then get to the job."

"Do we know what it is they want done sir?" Zoe asked.

Mal nodded slightly, "Just a standard run to the border planets, way I understand it. Probably delivering goods that can't be shipped through normal channels. Now let's get moving."

River climbed into the mule, sitting quietly, staring out into the air, while Zoe, Jayne and the captain got settled. She rested her chin on her hands and closed her eyes when the bay doors opened, the night air swirling in on a cool cloud of dust and mist. There was a sudden rush of heat as Jayne sat down next to her. She could feel his energy swirl around her, engulfing her in a wash of adrenaline and tension. He was always on edge when they went to a meet, always prepared for trouble. She lifted her head and looked at the large man seated next to her and was more than a little surprised to see his blue eyes staring back. She turned away quickly, not wanting to get into the inevitable sparring match that erupted whenever she spoke to him.

As they left the dock area and headed into the city proper, River watched the lights and buildings fly past her, all blurring into a stream of color and smell. She closed her eyes again, trying to erase the traces of thoughts and feelings that flooded past her. Her stomach clenched and she could feel the pin prick of anxiety building behind her eyes. Nausea rose in her throat and she swallowed hard. She needed a clear head tonight, she couldn't afford to make any mistakes.

oOo

Jayne sat next to River and watched her out of the corner of his eye. He'd never been what anyone would call a compassionate man, but things like what happened on Miranda had a way of making a man take stock of his life. He'd watched Zoe put up walls to protect herself and he'd watched in envy as Kaylee surrounded Simon with her gentleness and love. And he'd seen the change in the girl, too. She used to be all crazy and unpredictable, but since Miranda, she'd become a ghost, whisperin' through the corridors of Serenity. She was there, but not there at the same time. He wasn't sure anyone else noticed, or if they did maybe they just thought she'd gotten herself cured by letting go of all that ugly.

Now as he watched her stare out into the night he thought he saw her shiver despite the warm summer air. Leaning closer he spoke to her, "You all right girlie?"

River started when Jayne spoke, turning quickly to face him. She looked at him for a second, trying to recall what he'd said, then she said simply, "I'm fine. Just thinking."

"Well don't go strain' yourself," he joked.

River tried to smile in return, knowing it was the proper response, but as she tried she was hit with a wave of pain and fear. For a brief moment she felt her mask slip, her face contorting into a grimace.

Jayne reached for her, "Hey now, what the hell is that about?"

River recovered quickly and the lie she told slipped easily from her mouth, "Hit my gorram elbow on the side of the mule. Hurt's like hell."

The tension in Jayne's face eased and he grinned, teeth flashing white against the dark, "Yeah, that'll set your teeth back a bit."

They sat looking at each other for another second before River turned away again, not wanting to continue trying to make small talk, it was to exhausting.

They passed the rest of the ride in silence, arriving at their destination moments later. Jayne jumped out of the mule and reached up the help River down. His large hands wrapped around her waist easily and once again, River felt herself surrounded by his energy. This time she gave in to her urges and inhaled sharply at the contact before pushing herself away as soon as her feet touched the ground.

Jayne felt the girls sharp intake of breath as he lifted her from the mule, felt her push herself away from him, but before he could think on it any further, the captain and Zoe were behind him. He turned away from her and looked at the captain, "Which one we headed to?" he asked, jerking his head to the row of buildings behind him.

"The one on the left," Mal answered as he started walking, "Come on girl, don't be laggin' behind. Don't want to go into this thing blind."

River walked faster, catching up with the group easily. They entered the darkened building and stopped, allowing River to get her bearings.

She looked at the captain, "They're waiting just down the hall. Three of them, two men and a woman."

Mal nodded, "Okay people, let's get this thing movin'"

When they reached the end of the hallway, they paused again, Mal looking at River. She nodded her head, "It's calm."

Mal knocked on the door and waited for a response.

A woman's voice called out, "Quing jin."

River took a deep breath and steeled herself for the onslaught of thoughts and feelings that waited for her as the stepped into the room. They'd done this countless times in the last few months, and although it could be uncomfortable, it had become more of an annoyance than anything else. She stood placidly behind Jayne's right shoulder, becoming part of the background. She'd stopped listening to the conversations long ago. She found the words distracting. She let her eyes glaze over and let her body sway with the eddies of emotion swirling in the air around her. Her eyes drifted closed as she picked her way through the maze of energy. She quickly weeded out those belonging to her fellow crewmates and settled on the energies of the three people seated at the table in front of the captain.

She prodded and poked, twisted and floated, riding as wave after wave hit her. Moments later she felt a hand on her shoulder and heard a familiar voice in her ear, "Hey Crazy, we're done here, you comin' or what?"

She opened her eyes and blinked. Without replying she turned and walked back down the hallway and into the night air. Her body was on fire, singing with residual energy. She waited as the others gathered around her.

"Well albatross, what's the word? We gonna' be able to deal with these folk?" Mal asked.

River forced her mind to focus, quickly regaining control and she nodded, "There isn't anything wrong here, just a simple drop off world. I saw no deceit."

"Well, that's mighty nice to hear. We're gonna see some nice coin out of this deal."

As River moved toward the mule she felt the familiar energy of the large merc move in behind her and she knew he meant to help her climb in, she turned toward him, "Bu, qing, I can do it myself." With her system still recovering from it's recent overload, she knew she couldn't handle him touching her again. She saw a brief flash of uncertainty flash in his eyes before she turned away and began climbing into the mule.

Jayne dropped his hands to his sides, a peculiar feeling of dissatisfaction settling in his mind. They'd settled into a routine since the feng le little pilot had become a regular member of the team, and he'd gotten used to it. Now she couldn't stand to have him touch her? "Well who in ruttin' hell cares," he thought, draggin' himself out of his thoughts. He moved around to the other side of the mule and jumped in. He settled himself in his seat and waited for the others to get set down. He watched as River swung one leg over the side and then watched in horror as her mouth opened and where a scream should have been, there was silence as she tumbled back to the ground.

"Tsao gao," he hollered as he leapt to the ground. He reached her just as Mal did, but he was slightly faster, scooping her up into his arms. He reached over the side of the mule and set her down as gently as he could before he climbed in next to her, wrapping one arm protectively around her, "We need to get her back to her brother, somethin' ain't right. She never does this. Ain't gone off her rocker like that in months."

Mal pushed the mule into high gear and sped off toward Serenity, concern marring his face. He'd known it would happen sooner or later, known she'd lose it again, he'd just been prayin' it would be the later.