Picking Up the Pieces

Warning: This series covers the subject of child abuse - both physical and sexual. While a lot of it is 'off screen' and depicted as part of the past storyline, there are sections in these stories which do describe it more graphically. I would prefer to rate this story for 18+

~oOo~

Joel Taggert watched his wife with concern as she stood nervously by the front door. It had been over a week since the sanctity of their home had been violated and Blair had been taken, and over a week of watching his wife slowly fall apart had finally taken its toll on him. He'd stood helplessly by, unable to help as her weight plummeted, her appetite suppressed by the gnawing guilt that she carried around, a guilt that he shared equally. If only I had the power to turn back time, he thought. I should have installed the security screen on the back door like Jessie asked. If only I had been more cautious. Given the nature of the custody arrangement, I should have known better. Hindsight was a wonderful teacher. Unfortunately for the Taggerts, it was a lesson learned the hard way.

Coming to stand behind his wife, Joel wrapped his large arms around her slight frame and placed a kiss on the back of her head. "Sweetheart, Blair's okay. He's safe and well, and he's coming home and Jim said that physically he's fine. He's a strong little guy and it won't take him long to bounce back."

Jessie grabbed her husband's arms. Joel was her rock, her tower. He was the foundation that had kept their marriage solid. "I know, I know," she whispered. "I just can't help thinking that if only I had done something more, this would never have happened. Joel, how will Jim ever trust me again with Blair?"

Joel released his grip on his wife and turned her around. He looked into the eyes of the woman he had loved for more than thirty years. "Jess, I want you to stop this nonsense! Jim does not blame you. He never has and if he didn't trust you with Blair, why would he be bringing him here now? What happened was not your fault. There's only one person to blame for all of this, and that's his mother." Joel drew his wife in and hugged her tightly. "Now dry your eyes. That little boy deserves to come home to a happy greeting."

~oOo~

Jim Ellison gazed out of the truck window, the passing scenery a blur as it whirled past without even really registering. So much had happened to change his life over the course of the past few months that he still couldn't quite come to terms with the enormity of it. The sheer responsibility of being a parent at times was overwhelming, but he wouldn't give it up for the world. He hadn't realised how much he cherished it until it had been nearly taken away from him. He drew his attention away from the window and to the passenger safely buckled in the back seat. Greeted by a pair of sleepy eyes, he smiled warmly at his son. "Hey, Munchkin. Did you have a good nap? Are you thirsty?"

A simultaneous nod and a yawn were his answer, as the little boy remained in a dazed state; not asleep, but not yet quite awake. Punching a straw through the foil top of the juice container, Jim leaned over to the back seat, bringing the straw to Blair's lips. The child sucked thirstily before pushing the juice away. "That 'nough."

"Jim, we're here." Simon pulled the truck into the Taggerts' driveway, and Blair lifted his head in an effort to peer out the window. "We at Jessie's," he announced, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Simon turned around, giving his full attention to Blair. Sweaty curls were plastered to the side of his head and he had one bright red, rosy cheek from where it had rested on the side of the car seat. Simon's face broke into a broad grin. "That's right, Squirt. Jessie has missed you. She couldn't wait to see you."

Unfolding his tired body from the cab, Jim unlocked the back door and unbuckled Blair's seatbelt. He brushed the sweaty curls back off his son's face and lifted him into his arms. "I know someone who's very anxious to see you." He planted a soft kiss in the middle of the red mark on Blair's cheek. "Come on, let's go and see Jessie."

~oOo~

Jessie Taggert's heart leapt to her throat the minute she saw the car pull into the driveway. Standing unseen behind the screen door, she picked up the stuffed toy that had kept a vigil on the stool by the front door, ever since the little boy's disappearance. Nervously, she clutched it to her chest. For Blair's sake, she had to pull herself together. He was back and he was safe and it wouldn't do anybody any good if she broke down into a blubbering mess. Taking a deep breath, she reined in her emotions and forced a smile to her lips. Drawing the strength she needed from her husband, she grasped his hand and pushed open the door.

Jim lowered Blair to the concrete path that led to the front porch and let go of his hand. He gave the three-year-old a quick swat on the backside and watched as his son took off, up the path and into the open arms of Jessie Taggert.

With legs too unsteady to hold their combined weight, Jessie sank down onto the top step, and, as if somehow sensing her distress, Blair let her hold him tight for as long as she needed.

With her emotions still in turmoil, Jessie eventually pushed Blair back in an effort to reassure herself that the little boy she held was real. She brushed a gentle hand over the bruise on his cheek. "Oh, honey," she whispered.

"I okay, Jessie." Blair's eyes mirrored Jessie's concern until his attention was drawn away from her and to the toy, which had fallen from her hands. "Big Buhd," he squealed with glee, bending down to pick it up. "You finded Big Buhd!" Turning around to face his father, he smiled, excitement shining from his eyes. "Look Daddy. Jessie finded Big Buhd. I thought he was losted, but he's not. I going to take him to my woom. I gotta tell him 'bout my 'venture." In one swift action, Big Bird was secured under his arm and, standing on his toes, Blair reached up and gave Jessie a quick kiss on the cheek. Manoeuvring completely out of her arms, he gave Joel's leg a quick hug before running to the screen door. Being too short to reach the handle, he took hold of the intricate lace metalwork decorating the door and flung it open. In a flash, he was inside the house, his footsteps echoing on the floorboards as he ran down the hallway.

Knowing now that she had no choice but to face her demons, Jessie struggled to look Jim in the eye. "Jim, I don't even know where to begin to say how sorry I am."

"Joel, Jessie," Ellison interrupted, putting a halt to an apology that was only his to give. "I'm the one that doesn't know how to apologise. I put you in a position that I should never have put you in. I knew that there was a chance Naomi would try and take Blair and I should have taken measures to make sure that it never happened. Jessie, I put your life in danger, and I'll never be able to forgive myself for that, and I will understand completely if you're unable to mind Blair anymore."

Jessie Taggert couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. Jim didn't blame her for not protecting Blair, he blamed himself. When the ramifications of his last sentence sank in, she held out her hand, indicating that Joel should help her up. Her determined nature resurfaced in an instant. "You stop right there, Jim Ellison," she demanded. Her position on the top stair gave her a height advantage over the detective, and she intended to use it for all it was worth. "Don't you dare apologise to me for what that woman did to this family. Sheis the only person to blame for what happened to Blair, not me, not Joel, and certainly not you. Don't you think for one minute that I will let her actions ruin my relationship with that child. I love that boy like he was my own grandson, and he is always welcome in this house." She folded her arm across her chest. "But I do intend to learn from this experience and I can tell you that if she tries anything like this again, she will get more than she bargained for." Straightening out her dress, Jessie moved onto the porch. "Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going inside to make Blair some lunch. I swear that boy's all skin and bone." She turned on her heels and pulled open the screen door, leaving three stunned men in her wake.

A smile broke out across Joel's face. "She's back," he chuckled. "Boy, how I've missed that feisty old girl." He held out his hand in a greeting to Jim, "And if you know what's good for you, Jim, I'd let the subject drop. It's dangerous to mess with a mother hen."

"Don't I know that," Simon mumbled, pushing past Jim and walking up the front steps. "You think you could spare a cup of coffee, Joel?" With the news I'm about to break to Jim, I think we're all going to need it.

~oOo~

Ellison's reaction to the news of his father's stroke surprised Simon. He knew that Jim and his family weren't close, but Jim's indifferent attitude made Simon a little curious about the detective's past. "Jim, if nothing else, you've got to at least return your brother's phone call. He made it pretty clear that the doctor thinks your father might not live through the night."

Jim placed the coffee cup he was holding back on the table, annoyed at Simon's intrusion into his relationship with his family. "Look Simon, just because someone calls himself a father, doesn't necessarily make him one."

"Jim, the man's dying, and whatever issues you have with him, he's still your father."

"And I'm sure that he won't miss my presence at his bedside." Ellison scrubbed his hand roughly through his hair. "Look, Simon, he has two sons, and I'm more than certain he would prefer to have the one that wasn't the major disappointment of his life with him."

"Steven said he was asking for you," Simon added gently. He knew that he had no right to become involved in something that didn't concern him, but he figured that if Jim's dad had been asking for him, there must have been a good reason. "Jim, I don't know what went on between you and your father, and I'm not asking you to tell me. But this may be the last time you'll get to see the man alive. Don't you think you should at least give him an opportunity to see his eldest son before he dies?"

Jim rubbed his hand over his tired face and gave Simon's question some thought. If he had to, he probably wouldn't be able to pinpoint any one single event that had caused him to become estranged from his father. The wall that separated them had taken a lot of time and effort to build. With every rejection, every failure, every disappointment, another stone was added and it was now so high that he knew it would be nearly impossible to break down. "Did Steven leave a number?" he finally asked.

The tone in Ellison's voice and the slumped posture of his shoulders told Simon that Jim obviously had a lot of demons yet to battle.

~oOo~

Both Joel and Simon glanced up from the kitchen table as Jim walked back into the room. Joel stood and gave Jim's shoulder a light pat. "I'll get you some fresh coffee."

"How'd it go?" Simon asked, casting a worried eye over his detective.

"Not good. I guess I'll be making a trip to the hospital this afternoon, after all."

"Jim, why don't you leave Blair here with us." Joel unconsciously patted the gun, which was still holstered under his jacket. "A hospital is no place for the boy. Especially not under these circumstances."

Jim rubbed at the top of his broken arm. It wasn't the only injury that was beginning to ache and dragging Blair along to the hospital, and potentially into the mess that was his childhood, just might open up too many raw wounds for the both of them. "Let me talk to him first," Ellison answered. Leaving Blair alone so soon after everything they'd both been through was not an idea he wanted to face.

Just as Jim was about to get to his feet, the subject of their conversation came tumbling into the room, with a very cheeky smile plastered over his face. "Jessie said I can have some chocolate cake, but I had to ask you first. Can I, Daddy?" Blair clambered up, onto Jim's lap. "It's not neah dinneh time, so I should be allowed, 'cause it won't spoil my dinneh and I promise I will be hungry lateh."

Jim smiled down at Blair as the little boy tried to persuade him to say 'yes'. He had never realised how truly vacant his life was until Blair had arrived on his doorstep. The love he felt for the youngster on his lap scared him sometimes. How was it possible to love somebody so much that you would give up everything in an instant just to make sure they were happy and safe? His thoughts drifted to the relationship he'd shared with his father, and he realised it was nothing like the relationship he shared with Blair. If love was meant to be unconditional, why had his father always put a price on affection? Why did it always have to be earned? Why couldn't he have ever just simply said 'I love you, son'?

"Dad," Blair whined, bringing Jim from his thoughts. "My tummy is growling."

Jim laid his hand on Blair's stomach and wiggled his fingers. "Hmmm, that's funny. This tummy feels full to me. Are you sure there will be enough room in there for chocolate cake?"

Blair removed Jim's hand and lifted up his shirt. "Ah- ha," he stated firmly. He positioned Jim's hand over his belly button. "There be a lot of room right heuh. This part is empty."

"Maybe if I tickle it, it won't be empty anymore," Jim smiled, dusting his fingers over his son's smooth skin.

Blair gave a little squeal as he tried to escape the impending tickle. "No, Daddy, a tickle will make it more hungwy. The only thing that will make it betteh is chocolate cake."

Jim pulled Blair close and placed a kiss on the top of his head. "Well, I suppose you better tell Jessie that I said yes."

"Way cool," Blair exclaimed, scrambling off his father's knee.

Before the Blair could escape completely, Jim trapped him between his knees. "Not so fast, Chief. I need to talk to you first." He tweaked one of Blair's curls to get his attention. "Simon had a call from my brother, who told him that my father is very sick in the hospital. I promised that I would go and see him, but because my dad is so sick, I'm going to have to leave you with Joel and Jessie. Is that okay with you?"

Blair, who had been swinging between his father's knees, stopped immediately and planted his feet on the floor. "You have a daddy?" he asked in surprise.

"Yes, Chief, I have a daddy. I just haven't seen him for a long time."

"Didn't your daddy eveh finded you when you was a little boy?"

"I don't think he ever looked, Munchkin," Jim said, sadly. He swung Blair up onto his lap. "Now, you still haven't answered my question. Will you be alright with Joel and Jessie?"

Blair grabbed Jim's arm and looked at his watch. "What time will you come back?"

Jim thought for a few minutes before answering the question. If he left now, there was no reason he wouldn't be back by four. "I'll be back by four o'clock."

Blair placed his fingers on the watch. "That mean you will be back when the big hand is heuh and the little hand is heuh. I will look at Jessie's big clock to make sured you not be late."

Jim was amazed at how easily Blair seemed to pick up new concepts. Not long ago they had been reading a book about clocks, and ever since then, Blair's enthusiasm for learning the time had soared. He had managed to master telling time on the hour but, not content with that, he had started to question Jim about what the other numbers were for.

"Fo' o'clock on the big dot," Blair said.

"On the dot, Chief," Jim promised. If luck went his way, he'd be well and truly out of the hospital and back at Joel's long before his promised time.

~oOo~

"This shouldn't take more than an hour." Jim tapped the door of the truck, before hesitantly shutting it. He would have preferred to go alone, but Simon had insisted, and somehow his broken arm became an excuse for the police captain to come along.

"I'll be waiting," Simon replied, shutting down the engine.

"Yeah," Jim muttered absently. He was finding it difficult to get his head around his feelings; feelings which, as an adult didn't usually rate a mention when it came to his family. As a child he was never physically afraid of his father. William Ellison had never laid a hand on either of his sons. William's abuse was emotional and he often thought that it was a thousand times worse than being laid into by a pair of fists. A constant slamming of his self-worth and his ability to do anything right plagued his earliest of childhood memories. No matter how hard he tried to please the old man, his efforts were never quite good enough, so in the end he simply gave up trying.

~oOo~

Ellison made his way across the crowded hospital foyer. He needed fresh air and needed it badly. The noises and smells associated with the place were bearing down on him and making him feel physically ill. Rushing out of the main entrance door, he drew in a deep breath. "Get a hold of yourself," he muttered to himself. You are not going to give in to this sentinel stuff – not here.He sat down on one of many benches that lined the perimeter of the quadrangle and concentrated all his efforts on remaining in touch with this world.

"Jim?" Steven Ellison took a seat next to his older brother. "Are you okay? You kinda rushed out of dad's room in a hurry. I was worried."

Jim glanced over at Steven and studied the brother he had thought he would never see again. The years had been kind to him. I'm sure the trappings of wealth have helped,he thought, snidely. "Can you tell me exactly what that visit just achieved?" he asked.

"It let a dying man know that his eldest son was willing to come and see him." Steven replied, gently. "Jim, I know that the issues you have with dad run deep, and what you just did must have been a hard thing to do, but whether or not you really have forgiven him is not important. The important thing is that at least dad thinks you have. He can now go with a clear conscience." Steven got to his feet. "Look, I better get back to him." He reached out and lightly touched Jim's shoulder. "I hope this won't be the last time you'll see him."

Jim watched in silence as his brother walked away. He'd done his duty as a son. He didn't need to do any more than that.

~oOo~

Jessie rocked Blair on her knee as she read him his favourite book. She knew that the child wasn't paying attention, because he let her skip over words and sentences – something he would never normally do. Blair's concentration was firmly fixed on the old grandfather clock that stood on the other side of the room. She gave Joel a worried glance.

"Who would like an afternoon snack?" Joel pushed himself out of the lounge chair and got to his feet. "I was thinking that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich might just hit the spot right about now. How about you Blair? Would you like a sandwich?"

"How long will it take for that hand to get to top?" Blair asked, not bothering to answer Joel's question.

Jessie rubbed Blair leg. "Darling, daddy will be back soon. He promised you he would be back by four o'clock and that means he still has twenty minutes to go."

"How long will twenty minutes take?" Blair asked, wiggling off her knee.

How do I answer that question?Jessie thought for a moment. "Twenty minutes," she finally said, "is how long it will take for Joel to make two sandwiches and for you both to eat them."

"Can you make them now?" Blair asked, urgently grabbing Joel's hand. "Daddy won't come back until they made." His blue eyes started to fill with tears. The anxiety and stress of the past week was finally beginning to catch up with him. "What happens if my daddy fo'get to come back?" he asked, his tears spilling down his cheeks. "I sowwy I went with mama, Joel," he cried, looking up at the big man. "Tell daddy I sowwy, Joel. Please tell him I sowwy and not to be mad." The tears continued to flow as Blair finally reached his breaking point.

Joel picked up the little boy he loved as his own and hugged him tightly. "Daddy hasn't forgotten you, Blair, and he's not mad at you. He loves you very much, and always will. He just had to go to the hospital to visit his father." Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, he thought. Perhaps it would have been better if we had gone to the hospital with Jim and sat with Blair in the waiting room.

"I want my daddy," Blair blurted, his breath hitching with every word.

Jessie peered out the window and her heart filled with relief. "Thank goodness," she muttered. Jim and Simon were back. She rubbed Blair's back in an effort to comfort him. "Darling, Daddy's back now. He's just pulled up in the driveway."

Jim got out of the car, feeling a strangling sense of urgency. He jogged up the front stairs and into the house and the first sounds to hit his ears were Blair's sorrowful cries and Joel and Jessie's fruitless efforts as they tried to console him. "Hey, Munchkin," he soothed, taking his son from Joel's arms. "Why the tears?"

Blair was still sobbing hysterically as he wrapped his arms tightly around his father's neck. He buried his face deeply in Jim's shirt. There was nothing more anyone could do. Words couldn't soothe or distract the distraught child. Blair just needed to be hugged by his father until the fear of being left had calmed.

I shouldn't have gone. Jim's thoughts and feelings went from guilt to anger as he irrationally blamed his father for his son's condition. Blair was the most important person in his life and he shouldn't have left him – not for the likes of his father.

Never again, he promised. Never again will I put you in second place.

~oOo~