This is how Twilight should TOTALLY GO!!!!

(not to be taken seriously, this is a total crack fic...)

I OWN NOTHING!!!!

One day, in the small, sad little town of Forks, Isabella Swan, a young Mary-sue character had just moved in from Arizona with her crazy mom to live with her boring, mustachioed dad, chief of police Charlie Swan.

In school, she happened across a sexy thing named Edward Cullen with his clan of equally sexy brothers and sisters, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Alice.

Alice was short and tiny and bounced all over the place with this dude who looked kind of like he was constipated, named Jasper.

Rosalie was a tall blond bitch who thought she was the bomb and her boyfriend was Emmett who looked like he just ate the football team.

"Oh, don't bother with him, he's too good for anyone!" Bella's friend Jessica said. Bella just nodded back and went back to eating/staring at the epically sexy people. At the same time Mike was staring at Bella and Jessica was staring at Mike and Angela was staring at that other Asian dude and he was staring at her and they were basically having sex with their eyes.

Soon after, Bella spoke to Edward in Science, and together they won the Golden Onion of Epic Awesomeness. Then Bella almost got crushed by a van and Edward was like "NOES, BELLA!" And saved her with his super-human speed. Which he later claimed was adrenaline. (Nice cover dude.)

Before that, Bella met her old friend Jacob, who was secretly a werewolf (though know ones knows yet...) and he was all like "YO, BELLA!!!" And she was all like "HEY DUDE!" And they became best buddies.

Anyway, so after Edward saved Bella with adrenaline (because he isn't REALLY a Vampire, he just likes to pretend...) Bella almost got gang-raped because she's just a magnet for trouble like that. So Edward comes and he's all like "Get in the car while I deal with these bitches" and then they go out to dinner. And Edwards like "I can read minds!" and Bella's like "No Effing Way!" and shit.

MUCH MUCH LATER after Bella nearly get's killed and turned and killed some more and shit like that and everything settles down, Bella goes to Edward.

She trips before she reaches him and falls onto the road, then gets run over by an 18-wheeler. She is then taken to the hospital, where she somehow survives her horrible broken bones and injuries to see Jacob and Edward in her room.

"Oh Edward, I love you so much!" she cries. Edward momentarily gags before patting her head and nodding.

So years later Bella goes to Edward again, and not near a road, and smiles. "Edward, Will you marry me? I want to be with you forever and ever and I want you to take my virginity and impregnate me so I can have a kid and give it some crack-ass name that's a combination of Esme and Renee and then you can turn me and we can live happily ever after!"

And Edward thinks.

And he thinks.

And he thinks.

When he finally replies, its been a good five hours. He looks at Bella and puts his hands on her shoulders.

"Bella, I will always love you. But you must know something...." he begins. Bella jumps up and down hyper-ly while smiling.

"I'm actually gay for your BFF Jacob and I hate you and I would never want a child with you. And now if you'll excuse me," he stand up with his hands on his hips, "I'm going to go have hot man sex with my bitch." Edward grabs Jacobs hand and leads him out of the room.

Bella sits in the bed with her 'what-the-fuck-just-happened' face.

And so, in the end, Edward and Jacob have hundreds of little blood-sucking puppies (because they NEVER DIE) and Bella marries Mike and has no children because Mike says she sucks in bed and Mike has a girl on the side (and is secretly going for Divorce), and Jessica is a maid for a millionaire named Robert Pattenson (who looks suspiciously like that Edward Cullen guy...) and Angela and that Asian guy have lots of little Asian children.

THE MUSiCAL PANdA: DAMN STRAIGHT! THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE BITCHES!!!!

Any OC that happens to be in the vicinity of this story: -.- The fuck....