This is a Haruhi Suzumiya Public Service Announcement! The title of this story is...
Unprotected Sex: A Good Idea or a Great Idea?
Haruhi and Kyon were busy making out in the clubroom one fine Friday evening. Everyone had already left, so the two of them wasted no time in getting very intimate. However, just as Kyon was getting to second base, Haruhi pulled back a bit to speak.
"Wait, Kyon."
"What's wrong?"
"Do you have a condom?"
Kyon paused a bit before frowning. "No, I don't."
"Aw!" said Haruhi with a pout. "Now what are we going to do?"
Hold it right there, kids!
Kyon and Haruhi and look around the room.
"Who said that?" said Kyon.
Looks like you two are in quite a pickle.
Haruhi freaks out a little. "Where are you?"
Don't worry about me. It looks like you two are the ones that need help.
Kyon continues to look around the room. "What kind of help?"
I couldn't help but notice that you two were about to do the *wink wink*.
"Are you watching us, you sick bastard?" yelled Haruhi.
Don't worry. I'm just here to give you some helpful advice. I'll be gone once my work is done.
"What kind of advice?" said Kyon.
What were you two worried about before I showed up?
"...I was saying that I didn't have a condom," said Kyon.
"Yeah, and we can't have sex if we don't have a condom," said Haruhi.
Oh really? Is that so?
Both Kyon and Haruhi appeared confused.
"Are you saying we can?" said Kyon.
Of course you can, Kyon. After all, it's only what every man and woman did for millions of years before the invention of the condom.
"That's ludicrous!" said Haruhi.
Is it, Haruhi? Let me ask you something. Have you even seen a wild animal use a condom?
"N...No."
Exactly. Nature knows best after all. Do you really think you know better than nature?
"Don't be silly," said Haruhi. "Of course not."
Exactly! Now do you see what you need to do?
"But I could just go buy some condoms," said Kyon.
Oh sure, throw your money away on some piece of rubber. I guess you prefer your sex to be boring and unpleasurable.
"I never said that."
You might as well have. Do you really want have sex with some piece of rubber on your first time?
"Not really..."
Don't you want to feel the intimacy and closeness that comes with having sex the natural way?
"Well..." said Kyon before realizing something. "Wait a minute, why don't I pull out?"
What kind of pussy question is that? Why would you want to do that? That's very selfish of you.
"How is it selfish?" asked Kyon in confusion.
Did you know that semen contains hormones that when ejaculated into a woman's vagina reduces the rate that women experience depression?
"Wow! I didn't know that."
"Wait a minute!" yelled Haruhi. "Aren't we forgetting the most important part? What if I get pregnant?"
What makes you so sure that you'll get pregnant?
"What are you talking about? Unprotected sex is what make women pregnant!"
Let me ask you this. Let's say Kyon here ejaculates inside of you when you're ovulating. What are your chances of getting pregnant?
"Well, that's easy. 100%!"
Wrong!
Haruhi was surprised. "Oh...well it must be closer to 90%."
Nope!
Haruhi was now confused. "What? Uh...80%?"
Lower.
"70%?"
Even lower.
"50%?"
Keep going...
"40%?"
Wrong again. The correct answer is 30%.
"Wow," said Haruhi. "That's a lot lower than I thought!"
See? Those sex education classes exaggerate the risks of having sex to scare you.
"But I heard the chance of getting pregnant was 85%," said Kyon.
That's only if you have sex every day for a year.
"Really? I didn't know that."
You have to read the fine print on those studies. After all, do you two think you'll manage to have sex EVERYDAY over the course of the next year?
"Probably not," Said Kyon while rubbing his head.
And the risks are reduced drastically if you don't have sex consistently.
"I heard there's a pill that women can take that can make it so women can't get pregnant," said Haruhi. "Why don't I get that?"
Well, sure you can get that, if you feel like having to wait a month.
"A month? Why?"
It's takes a month of using the pill everyday before it's effective. Not that you'd want to use it anyway...
"Wait, why wouldn't I?"
Did you know the pill can cause weight gain?
"What? I don't want to be fat!"
Not only that, but it also puts you at risk for certain cancers and well as increases your cholesterol. Not so great, huh? What did you expect from something they produce from pregnant horses?
"Ew!" screamed Haruhi. "Gross!"
Do you still want to use the pill?
"No. But what else can I do? Isn't having unprotected sex like playing Russian Roulette?" said Haruhi.
What a stupid analogy? Does playing Russian Roulette feel really, REALLY good? Are you going to die from having unprotected sex? Since the both of you are STD free, the answer is NO!
"So what you're saying is...that unprotected sex has lots of benefits and not that much risk," said Kyon.
Now you're getting it, sonny!
Kyon stare deeply into Haruhi's eyes. "I guess we know what to do."
"Yeah," said Haruhi as she looked at Kyon hungrily.
I guess my work here is done. Good luck you two! Enjoy the most amazing sex imaginable!
"Thank you!" said Kyon and Haruhi together before engaging in hot, risky, unprotected love-making...the way nature meant for them to has it.