There's a melancholy so deep it's impossible to rise from. It's the kind of penetrating sadness you know will never leave you.
It's borne from events that shape you so fundamentally they become part of the very essence of your soul.
But with the melancholy comes understanding and comparison. It gives you the gift of understanding what true happiness and contentment really is and why it's such a rare and precious thing.
Staring down at your newborn child, standing at the alter next to the love of your life, re-reading a book that defined your childhood, smelling your mother's perfume. They are all moments in time you never forget, moments which will bring you comfort in those times when the melancholy hits.
And, in a cruel twist of fate, if you are yet to experience those moments, they are the ones which will be most tinged by the sadness. Those are the times which will be bittersweet.
As a veteran of the melancholy, Kathryn Janeway knew exactly how her best friend, confidant and colleague was feeling before she knocked at his door that night.
Standing there in front of his door, she took a deep breath in - remembering her moments - and out - letting go of the sadness as best she could - ready to put her own feelings aside as she attempted to help him come to terms with his.
It had been a little over a year since their return to the Alpha Quadrant. And it had been 10 months since the death of his wife. Since the death of one of her closest friends.
It had hit the whole of the former Voyager crew hard. But no one as intimately and hideously as Chakotay.
Seven had been on a routine mission. Her first as a commissioned Starfleet officer. Lieutenant Annika Hansen had served such a short time, but she'd made them all so proud.
Assigned to a science vessel, she was testing out the same shielding technology she had developed on Voyager. No one could have predicted the power surge that had occurred when her ship had been fired on. And no one could save her when she was eventually found at her workstation, fatally wounded, 30 minutes after the attack.
The captain of her vessel had personally contacted Kathryn to tell her the news all those months ago. He'd had tears in his eyes as he explained that all turbolifts, sensors, transporters had gone offline when the attackers struck, leaving them dead in the water and unable to scan for injured. It didn't help that Seven, as she was still known to close friends, had that morning chosen a workstation deep in the bowels of the ship so she could work without the interruptions that would so often come her way in the engine room where she was chief.
The captain, who Kathryn knew had his own moments of melancholy as a survivor of Wolf 359, was a hardened soldier. He didn't cry easily. As he asked Kathryn if she wanted to inform Seven's husband herself based on her connection to the newlyweds, she could see he was battling for control of his emotions. She didn't want to ask just how bad it had been.
There had been no question of Kathryn allowing someone else to contact Chakotay to bring him the news. Of course she'd be the one to do it. Not only because in her new admiralty position she was still his commanding officer, but also because she knew what it was like to receive this news. She'd received this news too many times before.
She'd made the same pilgrimage that day 10 months ago as she had today. She'd left her office at Headquarters, walked down the road to a civilian transporter pad to give her time to formulate her words, to consider how to break the news, then on materialisation, she'd headed down the well-worn path to their house and knocked on the door.
She could hear Chakotay whistling as he headed down the hallway to the door and as he opened it, he'd smiled broadly to see who it was on the other side.
The smile was there only momentarily. He knew her too well. The moment he'd seen the expression in her eyes he knew what she was there to say. He'd simply said: "Come in, let's not do this on the doorstep". As he said the sentence Kathryn had seen a thousand emotions cross his face, from shock to terror, grief, determination and finally a command mask. He'd learnt the last one from the best. Her.
He didn't say anything as the words tripped from her tongue. In fact he didn't say anything throughout her visit. Even as she'd made him a cup of tea and watched him drink it. At the time she'd decided he just needed time on his own and had let herself out once he'd gone to sit in his garden.
Kathryn had sent him a message the next day to say that she was prepared to authorise him a leave of absence from his teaching position at the academy if he wished. He'd replied within seconds: "Thank you for the offer, but I wouldn't want to let the students down. I'll be in touch with memorial details in the next few days. Could I ask you to let the rest of the Voyager crew know about the situation. And please could I also ask you to perform the eulogy at the ceremony"?
She'd said it would be her honour to perform the solemn duty. And she'd headed over to the academy later that morning to see for herself how his class went. He showed no outward sign of distress. Only Kathryn would notice the dead look in his eyes as he taught his students the basics of just war theory.
That night was when he fell to pieces. She knew it would come. But she hadn't expected he'd come to her.
It had been a gruelling day. Just a month into her new position as the head of the academy she was uncovering a never-ending stream of problems that all seemingly needed sorting there and then. She'd thought she was busy on Voyager. Her days there had nothing when compared with this behemoth. She'd collapsed onto her bed in her tiny city apartment as soon as she'd walked through the door, and had been lying there for five minutes when her door chime sounded.
"Admiral, a Commander Chakotay is in the lobby for you, may I send him up?"
She'd immediately told the building's computer that it could allow Chakotay access to the turbolift and had sat up, straightened her hair and uniform and gone to her front door.
As it slid open the first thing she noticed was his eyes. Red-rimmed, tear-stained and totally defeated, they could have been a mirror for her own feelings two days after the death of her father and fiancée all those years ago.
She'd opened her arms to him and he'd rushed into her embrace, falling to his knees as the door slid closed behind him, silent sobs wracking his body. They'd stayed in that position, with him clinging to her hips, head buried in her stomach for what seemed like hours. Kathryn stroking his hair, whispering quietly to reassure him that this was normal, that it was good to cry, that what had happened was a terrible injustice, that she was there for him.
As she comforted him, the tale her future counterpart had told her before they had returned to the Alpha Quadrant haunted her. Kathryn had been so sure they'd cheated their way out of the terrible predictions her grey-haired counterpart had brought with her. But here was her best friend crumpled before her after the death of his beloved, just as described.
After that night, during which they'd lain together on her bed, still dressed in their uniforms as he cried, Chakotay shut down. He still went to work every day. But other than that he stopped meeting up with his friends from the former Voyager crew, never returned Kathryn's social calls - of course at work, he behaved as if all was normal - and went straight from work each day to his small cottage where he tended his garden, but refused to allow anyone to enter.
Yesterday Kathryn had received a call from Chakotay's sister. It was a totally unexpected communication. She hadn't spoken to Kathryn since the day of Seven's memorial.
"I think it's time you visited Chakotay at home, Admiral," Sekaya had said. "I haven't been able to reach him in weeks. I tried to visit again today. I know he's there but he won't answer the door."
Kathryn had reassured Sekaya that she'd visit the next day, to Sekaya's obvious relief.
"Thank you, Kathryn," the younger woman replied, swapping to the Admiral's first name. "I think you are the only one who can reach him. I think you are the only one who understands what he's going through at this point.
"The death of our father was beyond hard on him, but this is something else altogether. I've never seen him like this."
The words haunted Kathryn for hours after the communication ended. She'd heard those words before. From the mouth of her mother, talking about her. It had been after Justin and Daddy's death. That terrible crash.
Kathryn had walked into her parents' house after a day of sitting under her favourite tree. Her mother and her sister Phoebe had been sat at the kitchen table. She could see Phoebe holding her mother's hands over the table as Gretchen Janeway had begged her younger daughter to try and reach out to her older sibling.
"I don't know what else to do, Phoebe," the older Janeway woman had said. "I've tried everything. I think the only person who can help her through this now is you. I know you are hurting over Daddy's death too, but Kathryn needs you right now."
Kathryn had forgotten that conversation until yesterday afternoon. Her sister's intervention had always been one of her strongest memories of that terrible time, but that overheard moment had been stricken from her mind until Sekaya's call.
The vivid memory prompted Kathryn to contact Phoebe and organise to have dinner with her at their mother's house that night. The three Janeway women had spent all night talking about how to reach Chakotay, about how they could help. They'd made a plan and it was then up to Kathryn to set it in motion the next day.
It had all seemed so straightforward and easy as she'd sat at her mother's kitchen table. But now as she stood at that door she'd knocked on to deliver the terrible news all those months ago, she was nervous as hell. How would he react? Would he even let her in?
Taking another deep breath she took the plunge and rapped on the door using the gorgeous old door-knocker which sat in pride of place on the quaint cottage door. The noise sounded like gunshots in her head, making her breath catch in her throat.
Kathryn knew he was in there.
She knew the floorplan of the cottage off-by-heart. She'd been there when Chakotay and Seven had bought the house. She'd shared the champagne Chakotay had opened to mark the occasion. He'd made a toast to their "bright future".
It had been another bittersweet moment for Kathryn. She was thrilled for the new couple, but she was still struggling with their relationship, still finding it hard to bury her feelings for her former first officer. She'd smiled, praying the gesture reached her eyes, never wanting either of her friends to suspect she felt anything but elation for them. She'd even taken a date with her to the celebration, a nice guy called Stephen. They'd met on her first day back at work on Earth when she'd gone out to find a local coffee shop.
They'd dated for a few months after that, but the relationship fizzled out when he discovered the true extent of Kathryn's workaholic ways. They'd parted very amicably, and while Kathryn was saddened to lose the companionship, she actually relished being on her own.
She would never admit it to anyone else, but the fear of accidentally calling him by another name, or waking up next to him thinking he was someone else, only to discover he wasn't had become tiring and worrisome. If she couldn't have the man she loved, then she was better off alone. And there was no way she'd ever tell anyone of her secret. She loved him too much to destroy the happiness he'd so very evidently found.
After three knocks and 10 minutes, Kathryn decided it was time for Plan B. She tapped the commbadge on her chest.
"Janeway to Torres," she demanded of the technology.
"Torres here, Admiral. I assume we're at Plan B?"
"Yes, B'Elanna, I'm afraid we are," Kathryn said with a sigh. "Please begin as discussed."
Kathryn felt the tell-tale tingle and disorientation of the transporter beam as it carried her from one side of Chakotay's front door to the other. She had braced herself for the slim possibility she'd find Chakotay in the hallway. But all she saw as she materialised was the elegant, but empty room she knew so well with a pile of padds on the slim table next to the door and Seven's favourite coat still on the hatstand.
Kathryn made her way through to the cottage's kitchen. She instinctively knew where Chakotay would be and knew that she needed to make a few preparations before she headed towards him.
The kitchen still had Seven's favourite books on its small shelf, a picture of her and her aunt next to them, taken on the day they first met, and another of her parents which Kathryn herself had presented to her when she was first severed from the collective.
Kathryn suddenly understood why Chakotay had refused to let anyone into his home. He didn't want anything disturbed. It was all just as Seven had left it when she went on her last mission.
Tearing her eyes away from the photograph of Chakotay and Seven on their wedding day which was in pride of place on their living room wall, Kathryn filled the kettle from the tap and switched it on. She didn't need to search for the tea-making things. She knew this kitchen better than she knew her own. She'd spent almost as much time in this house in the early days of their return as she had her own utilitarian flat.
As the kettle boiled, Kathryn reflected on those early days. Everything had moved so fast after their return. Starfleet had obviously been preparing for their eventual return and despite their usual snail-paced bureaucratic processes, they'd swung into action to debrief the crew as quickly as possible. They were wary of the press interest in their return. It wouldn't have done to delay the processing of the returning heroes, especially in the aftermath of the war. The excitement of the Voyager crew's story was a welcome distraction from the Dominion threat and the legend of the Maquis crew which had proven itself so loyal to the 'fleet went down well with a public still angry over the loss of life during the war.
It became very obvious the admiralty wasn't about to let Kathryn back out into space. They needed her reputation to rebuild the trust of the public. They needed her on Earth. As a compromise for preventing her doing the one thing she really wanted - taking Voyager back out to deep space - they offered her any position she wanted. She'd chosen the job of running the academy knowing it was going to be a huge, distracting, worthwhile task. It was something that would keep her mind off the loneliness she felt on their return.
She hadn't expected Chakotay to take a teaching position, to be under her command once again. And she'd definitely not expected Seven to take on the chief engineer position on the Archimedes.
The pair was madly in love. She'd seen it when they'd landed. As the rest of the crew hugged each other, laughing, crying, making plans, Seven and Chakotay had eyes only for each other. Kathryn knew they hadn't been dating long, but obviously the connection between them was strong. So strong they were able to ignore the initially hostile reactions to their relationship.
B'Elanna, Tom and Harry were the fiercest critics. All three at some point in those early days while they were being debriefed cornered Chakotay about his decision to date Seven. Chakotay had laughed those awkward conversations off when he'd spoken to Kathryn about them during one of their still-regular coffee breaks.
"They don't have to understand," he'd said. "No one can understand a relationship by looking from the outside in. Their concerns aren't unfounded. I've worried about many of the things they've warned me of myself. But that's our risk to take, don't you think?"
Kathryn wanted to be supportive of her best friend and so she'd taken a sip of her coffee, brought her troubled mind into line and replied: "Yes, I agree. You do need to make sure you both know what you are getting into, but at the end of the day, Chakotay if you love each other then nothing else matters".
"I know you have concerns too, Kathryn, I know you too well not to see that look in your eye," he'd shot back. Damn, she'd been caught. At least he only saw half the truth. She'd have to work harder to conceal her other secret.
"I promise you, I will look after her," he'd continued, obviously deciding this was the main crux of Kathryn's concern.
"I've no intention of breaking her heart. This isn't a short-term or casual thing for me. I love the woman she's becoming and I genuinely think she feels the same way about me. If I'm honest, I'd say I'm more worried about her breaking my heart than the other way round.
"She's extraordinary. Kind, inquisitive, strong. In fact, she's got so much of you in her, Kathryn, you should be so proud of what she's learnt from you."
It was that one sentence that pierced Kathryn's heart, taking her breath away. She'd suddenly stood up, using her empty coffee cup as an excuse to break away from their tete a tete, swiftly turning away from him to go to her replicator, shielding her crumpled face from his view. She scrambled to pull herself together as she waited for the machine to produce a new, steaming cup of coffee for her and herbal tea for him. She'd managed to finish the conversation without bursting into tears, but she had no idea how. Chakotay's lovestruck babble had bubbled away in the background as she'd tried to process her thoughts and feelings for him.
It took two days for her to finally get her head together enough to be able to cope with seeing them together again. And it was that day they finally touched down on Earth soil. It was that day Chakotay asked Seven to marry him.
It had been a small ceremony in the garden of the very house Kathryn now stood in. She'd led Seven down the aisle in the stead of her long-dead father. It was an emotional day and Kathryn had handed Seven to her best friend with great love. She could see how happy they made each other and, as she'd later detail in her personal log, if you love someone you want what's best for them.
The kettle started to whistle, jostling Kathryn out of her reverie. She looked out the window towards the arbour Chakotay and Seven had exchanged their vows under. It was a gorgeous spot. A statue now stood on the very ground where the newlyweds had exchanged their first married kiss. It was of Voyager herself. Kathryn had never seen the statue before; it must have been a recent addition. It was stunning.
Busying herself making the final preparations for the two cups of tea she needed, Kathryn mentally prepared herself for the conversation she was about to have. She thought back to the intervention her sister had undertaken in those days after the death of Daddy and Justin.
"You've spent enough time in bed, Kathryn," Phoebe had said, wrenching the pillows out from Kathryn's head. "Time to get up and start living again."
It hadn't been an easy process; Phoebe had worked hard to pull her out of the melancholy. Now it was Kathryn's turn to help someone else in the same way.
She walked towards Chakotay's bedroom with the tea tray in her hands.
The door was open, but Chakotay's head was hidden under the covers of his bed. The room was dark and it smelt of him. A dark, earthy smell. Not unpleasant, just very masculine. It smelt of sleep.
Kathryn gently placed the tray on the dresser, noticing a pair of Seven's shoes strewn next to it. She walked slowly toward the bed, watching for signs of life form its occupant. She knew Chakotay was breathing, she'd had B'Elanna check on his lifesigns earlier that morning, but she was hoping she wasn't going to need to force him up. She was hoping he'd surface of his own accord.
As she gingerly approached, the lump under the covers suddenly squirmed and cried out. Kathryn froze, waiting to see if he settled or wok. He settled again. She suddenly decided on a different course of action, smartly tuning on her heel toward the window, loudly whipping open the curtains, a loudly proclaiming: "Time to get up, Chakotay! We've got things to do today".
The lump was obviously startled into wakefulness, a head whipping out from under the covers. The face that appeared left Kathryn staring. His hair was suddenly greying, sticking out on all sides where it had grown too long, his eyes were angry, and he had a scowl that would have his cadet students running away screaming.
"Go away," he bellowed. "What are you doing breaking into my home? You aren't wanted here."
Kathryn had prepared for this reaction.
Phoebe had counselled her to expect it. When it was her turn for an intervention, Kathryn's sister had warned her that if she didn't get out of her bed, she'd take extreme measures, and she had. Kathryn had found herself drenched with water. When they'd discussed it last night, the sisters had laughed at the incident. But Phoebe had warned her that it wasn't funny at the time. She been desperate and did the only thing she thought would work: shocked her stubborn older sibling into submission.
"No, Chakotay," Kathryn said, equally loudly, pulling the covers which he'd gone to pull over his head once more, away from his body. "You need to get up and face the world. People are worried about you, and you've got people depending on you. You need to get up, drink a cup of tea, and then we're going out for lunch."
Chakotay made to grab the covers out of Kathryn's hands. She could see he wasn't wearing a whole lot under there. She used that as a weapon. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mister. I'm not afraid to walk out of here with the covers in their entirety," she said, gesturing with her eyes to the lower half of his body, making it clear that she had no respect for his modesty.
Chakotay flopped back onto the pillows and groaned. "Fine. If I get up, will you leave me alone?"
Kathryn took this as a good sign. Her annoying interference was working. She scooped up one of the cups of tea from the tray and walked back towards her friend. "Here, drink the tea and get up. I'll be waiting for you in the kitchen. You've got 20 minutes to shower and dress. We've got reservations in the city at 1pm and we will be getting there on time."
Chakotay sat up, took the cup of tea and glared at her.
"Chop, chop, Commander, don't make me put you on report."
Before he could retort she swung around, grabbed the tea tray with its remaining mug and walked swiftly out of the room, nudging the door shut behind her so he had at least some privacy while he gathered himself together.
As she got back to the kitchen benchtop, placing the tray down, Kathryn realised she was shaking. "The worst is over," she muttered to herself quietly. "He's cross, that's a start."
Kathryn grabbed her mug of tea and, pausing slightly to check she could hear Chakotay getting up, she headed out to his garden. As she closed the door behind her, she heard the shower turn on and she sighed in relief.
With a picture-perfect lawn, patio and flowerbeds, Chakotay's garden was stunning. It reminded her of their little New Earth patch where they had toiled so happily day after day. She took a deep breath, appreciating the gentle sunshine and delicate aroma from the flowers, gaining strength and determination from the sheer lifeforce evoked by the beautiful setting.
"Kathryn," she heard him call from the backdoor, "Kathryn." She stood up and regretfully walked back toward the house.
"Yes, Chakotay" she said in a challenging voice.
"I'm really not feeling very well. I'm not sure I'm up to lunch. Why don't you head off and get someone else to go," Chakotay said in a voice that sounded sulky and cross.
"No, Chakotay," Kathryn insisted, placing a hand over his heart, "We're going together. I miss my best friend. We have things to discuss. I need you."
It was a low blow. She knew he couldn't turn down a plea for help. It was the ultimate in emotional blackmail, but she was desperate. It was the only thing she thought would work. A flashback to her sister dumping water over her head came unbidden to the front of her mind.
"Fine. Let's go, but I need to be back here early, I've got things to do," he said, trying to sound business like.
Kathryn knew it was a lie. She'd checked with his aide at the academy. He had no classes this weekend, and since he'd stopped doing anything outside of work, he had no social events to attend to either. But she let the lie pass. She had a bigger agenda to follow. One step at a time.
Placing her tea mug into the stone sink, Kathryn walked to the front door, waiting for Chakotay to gather himself together and put a jacket on to protect him against the slight chill in the Spring air. His slow movements highlighted just how unwell her friend was. He looked as if he'd aged 20 years in just 10 months.
Their short journey to the public transporter was silent, as was their walk to the restaurant Kathryn had chosen for lunch. It was a little bistro in the heart of Paris. Chakotay looked surprised that she'd chosen a location so far away from her home base.
"I thought we'd come somewhere a little anonymous," Kathryn replied to his unspoken query, indicated with a raised eyebrow. He nodded, clearly understanding what was about to happen and knowing his friend wasn't going to take no for an answer.