This idea was inspired by a song I wrote for my friend's play. The character she's playing is INCREDIBLY similar to Raph and the song I was writing had to be based off of her character...which, once again, reminded me of Raph. And now...here we are.
Warning: Cussing, considered AU, soap opera drama AGAIN. And depending on how you portray Raph's personality yourself, you may or may not see him as OOC in this fic.
The following paragraphs are an UPDATE - 8/25/2012:
I AM GOING TO CONTINUE THIS STORY FOR FOUR MORE CHAPTERS. I'm very sorry, I really am; this is probably going to be a huge mistake on my part and I wouldn't blame you for disliking this story now. But I honestly just cannot help myself. Why? Because my mind created a thought that made me create more chapters. Specifically this thought: What would it take for Raph to do the same thing he resented Leo for and leave his family?
THAT is an answer I am going to address in four, long chapters...
Anyways, for the people who reviewed me, if you do not like the idea of continuing this, then feel free to ignore the future updates. :)
Oh, and also, the only changes I made to this chapter is the first line at the way top and the last lines at the way bottom.
What You Deserve
When Raph first got the...idea...he had been sitting with Master Splinter in his meditation room.
"Ya want me ta do what?" Raph drawled, leaning forward with a raised eye ridge.
Master Splinter slid a piece of paper closer towards the younger one, his beady eyes looking meaningfully at his adopted son.
"I want you to release the burden you hold within your heart, Raphael, through the words that come from your hands." When all he received was an uncomprehending stare, Master Splinter held out the ink brush to the turtle and gently commanded, "Write about your fears, my son. Your wishes. The actions you can never explain and the world that your eyes see around you." A soft smile curled at the ends of his lips. "Write what you can never let escape from your tongue."
A hand slowly rose and, hesitantly, Raphael reached for what was held out towards him. The tips of his fingers pressed gently against the smooth, black handle of the brush.
Then his amber eyes dropped down to the piece of paper resting innocently on the table, pure and never yet touched by the vituperative thoughts of a damaged mind.
Raphael found himself wanting it to stay that way.
With an almost indiscernible jerk, his hand pulled away.
And he heard his father exhale disappointedly.
Swallowing down his shame, Raph brought his arms back in to cross against his chest. "M'fine, Masta Splinter," muttered Raph, looking back at his father with hard, immovable irises. "I listen to Leo, don't I? Never questioned him once, right? Don don't even get pissed at me anymore like he's been for the past year. And I just beat up Mikey an hour ago for tryna' change the channel to some moron cartoon."
Master Splinter's eyes saddened and Raph's lips pulled down into a snarl.
"I. Am. Fine!"
Master Splinter raised a hand. "My son," he started, placing the brush onto the paper itself as he looked firmly at Raphael. "It is true. You listen to your elder brother now. But you do so as a puppet that is controlled by a master. And Leonardo is much unnerved by how you are giving him such power over you."
Raph's left eye twitched. "I'm jus' givin' him what he wanted this whole time," he ground out through painfully clenched teeth.
Master Splinter shook his head once. "Leonardo has never once asked you to become subservient to him, Raphael. Only to respect his position as a leader and your position as a team of four, not one." He paused, waiting for Raphael's voice to cut harshly through the air, but all he was met with was a silent glare. "And Donatello has not fallen to anger with you because, as he has told me…" Master Splinter's voice dropped to the level of a weary sigh. "…He has been afraid you will react with resignation, not resistance."
Raph had to scoff at that. "What? An' he ain't glad 'bout that?"
Master Splinter narrowed his eyes. "Of course not, Raphael," he stated, striking the foot of his staff sharply against the ground. Raph couldn't stop himself from wincing. "While you have been a thorn to Donatello's side in Leonardo's absence, never once did he want anything less than who you are."
Raph bit his inner cheek and squeezing his knees tightly enough until his fingers began to throb, he mumbled, "I think yer forgettin' the day he said he wished ya shipped me off to the jungle instead."
If Master Splinter was surprised that Raph had heard Donnie's words, he didn't give anything away. "You, Raphael," he assured softly, "Should know better than to put any worth in the words that are spoken through anger."
Raph smiled sarcastically at that, forcing out a dark chuckle. "Yea. Ya think I'd figure that out by now, huh?"
Master Splinter closed his eyes briefly, his grip on his staff shrinking into a fist before daring to respond to his most difficult son.
"Michelangelo has told me of the incident with the TV not too long ago," he continued in a steady voice. "He has also told me that while you struck the back of his head in retaliation, you handed him the remote before any further word of protest could be given to you."
Raph rolled his eyes, grumbling, "Yea, 'n' the lil' knucklehead didn't even turn the channel to the frickin' episode he's been harpin' on 'bout the whole damn week."
At the second to last word, Splinter turned a blind eye, but he never once moved his gaze from the other.
"Because your lack of spirit had dampened his, my son," he sighed out, placing a hand once more on the paper between him and the younger one. "Raphael, I am asking you as your father." He watched as Raph's shoulders slouched forwards at that. "I will not read what you have. And I will not let any of your brother's eyes stray across this paper without your permission. All I ask of you…"
One more time, Raph tentatively touched with the handle of the brush.
Then he grasped it in between his loose fingers.
"…Is to write."
Raph held the brush in a quivering fist before he made himself shift closer towards the table. His cringing amber eyes disappeared and, instead, was replaced with the crown of his head as he dropped his chin towards his chest.
A cracked, furious whisper surrounded him and his father.
"You guys should be fuckin' happy."
Raph's fingers began to glide across the page and Master Splinter stayed silent, staring pityingly at his son for one, long moment.
"We are a family, my son," Master Splinter quietly voiced. "Happiness is impossible to reach when it is unable to be reached by all of us."
Raph's brush jolted as if struck by lightning and left a dark, jagged scar of ink across the page.
He said nothing.
Master Splinter nodded slowly. Forlornly. "You may leave when you are done, Raphael," he lightly instructed, bringing himself to his feet as he made his way out of the room.
But before he left, his eyes had unwittingly caught the first line peaking above Raph's motionless fingers.
Wish I could give them all that they deserve.
He turned away before his son could see him press a trembling hand against his eyes.
And while Raph didn't know exactly what his family deserved, it was that night when he began to accept that what they didn't deserve...
...Was him.
Continuation of 8/25/2012 UPDATE:
Well, there you have it. I hope the few sentences I added show the main idea I was going for. And okay, I know, it sounds insanely cliche: 'Oh, I'm not good enough, I must change and become a better person for the ones I love!' But that's what I wanted to portray. In this story, I'm using each chapter - including this one - to expand on what I think Raph would go through with Splinter, Donnie, Mikey, and Leo (in order of their chapter numbers) before he truly decides what they deserve is a 'new and improved' Raph 2.0. Again, it's cliche and I'll admit now that I'm a big sucker for cliches. :P
Besides...the CGI movie started it with Leo and his: 'I'm not good enough, I must change and become a better leader for the ones I love!'
Note - next chapter coming up sometime tomorrow.