Title: "Alive Anyway"

Author: C.S. Williams

Summary: "Adrift" episode tag. It bothers John that Rodney had to disobey him.

Spoilers: "Adrift," obviously

Pairings: None, really, although you could probably see Shweir if you tried

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis or the English language, even if I hijacked them for my own purposes with this story.

A/N: After I watched "Adrift," I couldn't help thinking it was interesting that John did what Elizabeth would have wanted, but Rodney went against her wishes and saved her anyway. I figured both of them might have a reason for avoiding Elizabeth in quarantine…this is set during "Adrift," but I think John's thoughts after "Lifeline" would be interesting too, so I might do a second chapter centered around this theme. Enjoy!

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John Sheppard resisted the almost overwhelming urge to punch something, although whether that something would be the wall or Rodney McKay's face was about even odds at the moment. McKay had disobeyed orders. His orders. McKay was a civilian, sure, but he was still under Sheppard's command as long as the colonel was in charge of Atlantis. Hell, the scientist was on John's team! Didn't that mean anything to him?

Yeah, he'd accepted McKay's apology, but there was something about the act that he just couldn't quite accept. Maybe it wasn't exactly McKay disobeying orders, since he'd been known to do that before, and however much it may have seemed to the contrary, he certainly didn't want Elizabeth dead. There just had to have been another way. They didn't know for sure Elizabeth would have died without the nanites' help, did they? She could have pulled through. John always thought of Elizabeth as safe from death, and he didn't want to admit that even staying on Atlantis put her in danger. Some military commander he was turning out to be. It was his job to make sure these things didn't happen to her in the first place!

A crash and Radek's voice calling, "Colonel?" interrupted his thoughts, and he looked over to realize he was still standing in Stargate Operations. Radek was staring at him in wide-eyed concern, while other personnel were looking at a pile of laptop pieces on the ground next to his feet.

"What?" John demanded sharply, glaring at the assembled personnel until they finally turned back to their work. Somewhat guiltily, John began to suspect the laptop on the ground and the throbbing in his hand were connected.

"Perhaps," suggested Radek carefully, "you should go to the infirmary and have someone look at your hand."

So that was one suspicion confirmed. "They've got enough to deal with right now," John said, trying not to wince at the thought of the infirmary and what—no, whom—the infirmary staff was dealing with right now.

"Colonel," said Radek more firmly. "Go."

John sighed, taking the hint. "Fine. Call me— "

"Yes, yes," the scientist said hurriedly, waving him away with one hand and pushing his glasses up his nose with the other. "We will be fine."

John sighed again, moving out of the control room and in the direction of the infirmary. When he knew he was safely out of sight of Zelenka, should he still be watching, John abruptly turned a corner in the opposite direction, promptly causing him to plow into someone else coming the other way.

"Hey, watch where you're going, you—" McKay's tirade suddenly stopped when he looked up from his laptop to see who was the source of the collision. "Oh. Sorry."

At the sight of the scientist, John felt his anger flare again. "Aren't you supposed to be working on the jumper?" he demanded angrily.

McKay winced at his tone, at least having the grace to look slightly contrite. "Ah, yeah. I mean, I am. At least, I was, and now…" McKay suddenly stood up straight and looked John in the eyes. "Look, I know I said it earlier, but I want you to know, I really am sorry. I should've consulted you first. It's just…"

As angry as John was, he felt compelled to ask, "Just what?"

"Just…I knew you'd say no." McKay was now staring at a point somewhere over John's left ear.

"Damn right I would have!" John exclaimed incredulously. "In fact, unless I'm very much mistaken, I believe I did say no!"

"Look, will you let me finish?" McKay snapped, nodding slightly in approval when John closed his mouth and returned to glaring at him. "Good. What I was going to say was, I knew you were going to say no, and I…" McKay trailed off briefly before rallying. "I couldn't let that happen. Not again."

John opened his mouth to ask him what the hell he was talking about, since he was fairly certain this was the first case of nanite-infection McKay had ever encountered when the scientist continued.

"I mean, not after what happened to—to Carson." McKay's gaze was firmly directed at the ground, for which John was grateful. This was another of those awkward subjects he and McKay didn't discuss much. Thankfully McKay seemed to sense this as well and his next sentence came out in a rush. "And I couldn't let it be my fault that another one of my friends died, not when I had the power to save them, and then Keller came and asked, and I knew you wouldn't say yes, so I had to say it for you so she didn't die, and I knew even if I couldn't fix it now, at least maybe I could fix it eventually, but if she died there wouldn't be any chance at all and I—"

"Rodney!" John cut him off. "I get it."

McKay gave a small sigh of relief. "Oh, good."

"And...I'm not mad at you," John added after a moment.

"You're what? Really?" McKay asked in hopeful disbelief. "Wow. Great!"

John couldn't help smiling a little at McKay's reaction before clearing his throat and slipping back into command mode. "So, almost finished with the jumper modifications?"

McKay fidgeted a little. "Well, no, not exactly. It's not like we're installing a new Sims game on your laptop, you know," he added defensively.

John held up his hands in mock surrender. "I know, I know. So shouldn't you be getting back to that?"

McKay's eyes darted back and forth from the laptop in his arms to John's face as he answered, "Ah, yes. Yes, I should definitely get back to that. Which I'm going to do. So I'll, uh, give you an update when I have one. That's what I'll do. So…bye."

McKay made a move to go past Sheppard when the colonel held out a hand to stop him. "Uh, Rodney? Isn't the jumper bay in that direction?" he asked, gesturing behind McKay.

"Yes. Yes it is." McKay responded, fidgeting again. "And I'm not going that way because…because…because I have important things to do this way. Simulations and…simulation stuff," he finished lamely, not quite meeting John's eyes again, wearing that guilty look Sheppard knew so well.

"Rodney?" John asked warningly. "Where are you going?"

"The…simulation place." McKay's eyes were still shifting around the corridor, but his answer was almost defiant.

John narrowed his gaze at McKay. "The 'simulation place'? Come on, McKay, you can do better than that. Wait," he said suddenly, a suspicion occurring to him, "you're going to the infirmary, aren't you?"

"The infirmary? No, of course not, don't be stupid," McKay replied a little too quickly. At Sheppard's disbelieving stare, Rodney clarified. "I'm going to stand outside the infirmary and wait for Dr. Keller to tell me what she wants."

"And why would you do that?" Something wasn't adding up here.

McKay's guilty look started again. "Well…because if I go inside, Elizabeth might see me."

"Yes, that would tend to be one of the side effects of returning to consciousness," replied Sheppard sarcastically.

"I know that," McKay snapped. "I'd just rather not see her right now."

"And why's that?"

McKay hesitated briefly before the words spilled out in a rush. "Because she's going to be ticked that I saved her life and I'd rather wait until she's had a few months to appreciate that she's still alive."

"Yeah, because you can definitely avoid the leader of the city for a few months." John rolled his eyes. "Just face it and go see her."

"Fine, but my death is on your hands," McKay snapped huffily. They stood there for a moment, and John ran his hand through his hair wearily, wincing when he realized it was the hand he'd injured earlier. McKay must have noticed as well, because a second later he exclaimed, "What happened to your hand?"

John quickly shoved his fist into his pocket self-consciously. "What hand?" he asked innocently.

"You know what hand!"

"Looks like nothing," John replied, holding up his uninjured hand and pretending to examine it closely. "I think all that stress is getting to you, McKay."

McKay's eyes narrowed. "Your other hand, Sheppard."

"Oh, that hand. It was just a little accident in the control room. Nothing big." John shrugged nonchalantly. "Weren't you supposed to be going to the infirmary?"

"Oh, so now you want me to go to the infirmary," McKay sniped sarcastically. His jaw set stubbornly. "Fine. But you're coming too."

"No way." John shook his head immediately. "They're busy."

"They've stabilized everybody."

"They'll need to keep an eye on all of them."

"A lot of the injuries were minor and the personnel have been discharged."

"It's not even serious."

"It could get infected."

"I'll be fine."

"That's what you always say right before you pass out or something."

"I need to get this mission planned."

"You know there's nothing else you can do until I get the hyperdrive ready."

"I don't have any reason to be over there."

"You could go see Elizabeth," McKay finally snapped, oblivious to the wince on John's face. "She's been asking for you. It wouldn't kill you to go say 'hi, glad you're alive, hope you stay that way.' Unless of course you're unhappy she's not dead, in which case you could have the decency to tell her yourself—"

"Shut up, McKay!" John said sharply, cutting off McKay's brief rant.

They stood there, glaring at one another for a moment before McKay eventually muttered, "Sorry, I didn't mean that. But you shouldn't avoid her just because of my mistake."

"I'm not," John responded automatically.

"Then why are you avoiding her? You did what she wanted. I'm the one she's going to yell at for endangering the city."

"And I'm just the one who killed her!" John shouted, finally realizing what was bothering him about this whole deal.

McKay just blinked at him for a minute. "What are you talking about?"

John ran his hand through his hair distractedly again. "I gave the order to let her die. You were the one with the guts to try to save her life, when—when it should have been me. It's my job to protect the city and to protect her, and now I have to go face her knowing that she knows I was willing to sacrifice her? Hell, you told me it was safe, and I wasn't willing to take the risk. And the whole time I'm telling myself it's what she would have wanted, and I know that's what she'll tell me, and I can't face that. I don't want her telling me I did the right thing. It should have been me who saved her, but instead you had to disobey orders and do it!"

"Wait a second, this is all about your stupid hero complex?" asked McKay incredulously. "You're upset because you were more concerned about saving the entire city, which Elizabeth values more than her life anyway? Did all that toxic hair gel seep into your brain? You can't face her telling you that you made the right call? Fine then, I'll take the praise and you can listen to her yell!"

"It's not that!" snapped John.

"Then what, exactly, is it?" asked McKay exasperatedly.

"I don't know!" answered John instinctively, causing McKay to give him one more annoyed, incredulous look before huffing and turning on his heel to continue on his way, muttering "'I don't know'" mockingly under his breath.

John felt his hand going automatically toward his hair as he started wandering down the corridor again. McKay wasn't totally wrong, John knew, but it wasn't just his "hero complex." And John definitely didn't want Elizabeth dead. It bothered him more that Elizabeth wouldn't blame him for his decision, but she'd still know the facts: McKay was willing to risk everything to save her, while John wasn't. Did that mean McKay cared more about her than John did?

One thing was certain: he was going to make this up to her, whether she thought he needed to or not. And he was going to start by saving her city.