WHO WANTS TO BE A SIDEKICK?
Kim Possible and all its affiliation belongs solely and exclusively to Disney and all its affiliated parts. Which, lets face it, can be really, really crap! Thankfully this cartoon was not one of them.
A blonde man in his mid-twenties smiled hesitantly at the assembled group of fifteen and sixteen year old male athletes in front of him. His face locked into a painful grimace as the adolescent males eyed him back, a sea of faces registering everything from disdainful boredom to outright hostility.
They all had the same reason as to why they had begged their parents to attend the Superhero camp, but it had nothing to do with the lanky looking guy in the baggy jumper and cargo pants. The red-headed, navel-revealing reason for spending their precious summer learning to defeat bad guys through applied cheerleading techniques had not put in an appearance yet, so they had been forced to deal with her sorry excuse for a sidekick.
"Uh…hi….class….I'm Ron…Ron Stoppable…and I'm here to…to…to talk to you…about…the uh, advantages of being a buffoon…I mean sidekick!" the blonde began hopefully.
"We know that arse-face, you've already said it three times!" one of the more vocal teenagers shouted back. "Where's Kim Possible!" he demanded angrily.
A chorus of agreement echoed his demand and a feral look of anticipation swept thru the crowd of hormonal youngsters.
Ron took an involuntary backstep, appalled by the wave of dislike radiating toward him. He wavered, torn between using his Ronmunicator to call his best and dearest friend to come and save him from the walking lust-bags he had been left in charge of, or being a man and handling the situation like she asked him to.
"She's…she's on her way" he squeaked, his attempt at a deep authorative voice thwarted as his throat gave up any pretense of being brave.
"What's wrong arse-face? Haven't your balls dropped yet?" the same vocal teenager asked. He looked round for approval and received it in guffaws and smirking grins.
Ron decided then and there to drop the whole idea of trying to be manly in front of the younger males and opted for the pusillanimous way out. Whipping out his Ronmunicator, he dialed frantically, praying the whole time.
A reassuring beeping started and he breathed a sigh of relief when a familiar face appeared on the screen.
"What's the sitch Ron?" Kim asked him, busily knocking aside glowing green fists thrust into her face.
"Kim, I need your help!" Ron whispered into the speaker.
A kryptonite green foot aimed at her head caused Kim to dive downwards, disappearing briefly from the screen. This only slowed her slightly as she used her lowered elevation to sweep out the feet of her green and black clad opponent.
Ron watched patiently until her face reappeared on the screen, used to this sort of interrupted conversation. Except that, usually, he was right there with her, in the middle of the action, fighting less scary foes than the mob of pimples and muscles eagerly shouting 'KIM POSSIBLE, WE LOVE YOU!" as loudly as they could.
"Ron, we discussed this. One of us has to stop Drakken and Shego from breaking into GJ's secret labs, and one of us has to be there to greet the camp clients!" Kim said exasperatedly, her attention torn between Shego's flying fists and the puppy-dog pout Ron was pulling on screen.
"I begged you Kim, BEGGED you to let me deal with Shego! I can't handle them, they're monsters, they want to disembowel my insides!" Ron replied, swatting at sweaty paws trying to wrestle the Ronmunicator from his hands.
"Ron, right now, I have to deal with Shego. I will be there as soon as I can. Just play a game or something" Kim replied, narrowly avoiding a blast from Drakken's portable de atomizing laser.
"Kim please!" Ron tried one last ditch effort to trade places.
"NO RON!" Kim shouted at him, ending the transmission with an irritated flick of the button.
As the screen picture faded, so did Ron's hope. His terror, though, reached new heights as the teenagers, realizing Kim wasn't coming in the next thirty seconds, or even three minutes, started growling with rage.
The vocal teenager pushed his way to the front of the group surrounding Ron and jammed his finger in the blonde's face.
"Listen up arse-face, either you get Kim Possible here in the next thirty minutes or we're gonna make you into meat cakes!" he threatened, an evil glint reflected in his blue eyes.
As his mind melted into a pool of babbling horror, Ron's preservation instincts kicked in. His already over adrenalised body scraped together the last of its energy resources and sent them post-haste to his legs. Ron fled toward the camp lake, a half-formed plan of sitting in a boat in the middle of the lake until help arrived rising in his mind.
The angry mob howled and hot-footed it after him, sensing fear like a pack of rabid dogs after a rabbit.
Ron made it to the lake, he even made it into the boat, and he almost made it into the water with the boat….almost.
"RRRRUUUFFFFUSSSSSSS!"
….By the time Kim was able to make it to the "Possible Camp for Gifted Teenagers", the thirty minutes allotted to Ron had come and gone. She was a little tired, but exhilarated none-the-less. Between her fighting prowess and Rufus' assistance, GJ labs had been secured and Drakken and Shego had been hog-tied and released into the custody of GJ Security.
She surveyed the chaos in front of her with a frown, noting the piles of camping equipment and baggage strewn around the immediate area. A series of footprints led away from the camp, toward the camp lake.
"Do you think Ron took them swimming?" she asked the naked mole rat perched on her shoulder.
He made a non-committal shrug with his shoulders and sniffed suspiciously at the air. The stench of fear was powerful in the air, as was the overpowering musk of juvenile testosterone.
"Oh oh!" Rufus commented, leaping off Kim's shoulder and scampering toward the lake.
Kim knew better than to waste time on queries and followed the mole-rat at a flat out run. Apprehension for Ron's safety rose in her mind and she berated herself inwardly for making him go through this ordeal.
They found the group of teenager standing in a circle around Ron….who was miraculously still alive. Granted, he was hanging upside down from the branch of a large tree and was being used as a piñata by the teenagersbut he was still breathing.
"I said arse-face…tell me why I wanna be a sidekick again!" the vocal teenager kept asking in scorn, as he hit Ron with the canoe paddle.
"Alright boys, break it up!" Kim hollered from behind the group intent on their victim.
"Get lost bitch, this ain't none of your business!" one of the teenagers yelled back at her, without turning around. It was his turn next to see if there was any candy inside of Ron and he wasn't letting any upstart female camper interrupt.
The sound of Kim's voice caused Ron's tightly clenched eyes to open. He caught a brief glimpse of her upside down face before the momentum from the paddle applied to his backside by his current tormentor, caused his body to swing around in the opposite direction.
He tried to scream her name, but the dirty sock stuffed and taped to his mouth muffled the sound. All he could achieve was a gargled "MIPH!", before the paddle was applied again.
The second whack swung him back toward Kim and he was able to catch a glimpse of the smoldering anger in her eyes, her repeated command to let Ron go and the continued defiance of the mob who still hadn't realized who they were dealing with…until it was too late.
Ron didn't get to see the first demonstration of how to use applied cheerleading techniques to deal with miscreants, but he did hear it. The groans of the affected males and shouts of outrage allowed him to take a good stab at who was currently winning.
He winced when he heard the paddle break in half and he moved his body frantically from side to side, trying to force the rope to twist him around, fearing for Kim's safety. He hadn't quite succeeded when the sounds of fighting suddenly stopped.
"MUUFFUSS!" he tried to scream, calling his faithful companion to help Kim but there was no answer from the mole rat.
He took a deep breath through his nose to yell for someone, ANYONE, to save them but the gag was ripped off his face and his cry for help become a scream of pain.
"OOOOOWWWWWWW….mumph…..mmmmmm!"
Lips locked on his and a tongue inserted into his own warm orifice cut his howl in half. The pain from the treatment he had just received was being highly overshadowed from the pleasure he was getting from his current treatment.
It ended all too soon for his liking as Kim drew back and smiled at him.
"You ok?" she asked him quietly, her sultry voice overlaying the concern she had for him.
"Bit more of that and I'll be fine" Ron replied, trying to grin cheekily through a swelling eye and cut lip. He winced in pain as his wounds reminded him he wasn't in any shape for such activity.
Kim stroked his forehead and cooed sympathetically at him, before leaning in and tenderly kissing the half side of his mouth that wasn't so messy.
Kim had to chuckle at the space-eyed look on Ron's face. "Come on, let's get you down" she said, retrieving her laser lipstick out of her bag.
She sliced the rope in half and caught him before he could hit the ground. Removing the duct tape off his hands and feet, she rubbed his wrists and ankles until circulation returned and he was able to stand.
Slinging one arm over her shoulders, she half led, half carried him toward the camp headquarters. Rufus emerged from the pile of unconscious teenagers, his teeth bared as he growled his dislike at them. He had used his teeth to good affect and many bore the puncture wounds of an angry mole rat. Seeing his best friend in such a way caused a few more hisses and growls to be launched at the teenagers before he scampered up Ron's body and crooned his love into the blonde's ears.
Kim opened the camp HQ door and helped Ron settle on the double bed in the HQ bedroom.
"So tell me Mr Stoppable, why would anyone want to be a sidekick?" Kim asked ruefully as she tended his face, apology written all over her face.
"There are reasons believe me" he replied, his eyes fixed on hers.
"Such as?" Kim asked disbelievingly, applying a medication to his cut lip.
"How long do you think they'll be unconscious?" Ron asked instead. A thoughtful look in his eyes made her pause before replying.
"A good hour at least. I kind of lost control there, I was so angry!" Kim said, somewhat ashamedly.
"Then I've got time to show you why…" Ron replied, taking the cloth out of his friend's hand and circling her waist. He drew her down on top of him and demonstrated a side of the lecture he wasn't about to share with the camp clients.
Unbeknown to the giggling, sometimes ouching occupants of the camp HQ, one of the teenagers awoke a little earlier than the hour estimated by Kim.
He stumbled groggily toward the camp, his pain fogged mind still solidly fixed on the last thought he had before he was round-housed into oblivion. Determination to take his revenge on the buffoon and his accomplice drove him toward the camp and he followed the noise of the only voices he could hear. He managed to find the window he could hear the noise coming from and he looked through.
"Dude, I soooo wanna be a sidekick!" was his last thought before his brain stopped working and he fainted again.
"What was that?" a breathless Kim asked, not quite distracted by her companion's attentions.
"It's nothing KS!" Ron replied, trying his best to refocus her attention back to what they were currently doing.
"Ron, I told you not to call me that! I'm not changing my last name!" Kim said emphatically.
"What's wrong with Kimberley-Ann Stoppable?" he demanded, hurt causing him to pause.
Kim ran her legs down his and urged him to continue. He complied but he remained determined to continue the discussion at the same time.
"I told you before we got married that I wasn't changing my last name. End of discussion!" Kim whispered hotly in his ear, along with a few other instructions that left him steaming round the ears.
"How about Kimberley-Ann Possible Stoppable? " he suggested breathlessly.
"No Ron" Kim replied emphatically, her eyes taking on the glint that told him he was pushing his luck.
Not yet ready to end the discussion, Ron tried one last ditch attempt.
"Kimberley-Ann Stoppable Possible?" he suggested.
Kim clamped her legs round his and pulled him down toward her.
"How about you become Mr Ron Possible?" she replied sweetly, before kissing him deeply.
Before Ron could answer, colored lights went off behind his eyes and he stopped thinking for several minutes.
Kim grinned and winked at Rufus when her sweat soaked husband muttered "I'll think about it" next to her ear.
Rufus winked back and settled himself comfortably on the spare pillow next to his favorite couple, the sounds of Kim's soft breathing and Ron's snoring lulling him to sleep.
The End