Author's note: This fanfic was inspired by my BFF Erin, who would endlessly speculate on how she could have improved Van Helsing to make it funnier, more romantic, etc. Here is her version of what should have happened.
Act 1
(We start the story at DR. FRANKENSTEIN'S lab. A thunderstorm is raging outside, and the lightning powers a machine attached to a metal table, on which the doctor's MONSTER lays. Lightning strikes the machine and the MONSTER is brought to life, as DR. FRANKENSTIEN and IGOR look on.)
MONSTER: Aaaaaaaauuuggghhhh!
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: It's alive! It's alive!
IGOR: No freaking DUH it's alive, what did you expect?
(DRACULA appears out of nowhere behind the doctor, as vampires have the tendency to do that.)
DRACULA: Good work, doctor. Now, it is time. DUN DUN DUUUN!
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: No! I will not allow him to be used for such evil! I will not stand for it!
DRACULA: Too bad, so sad, you can't do anything to stop me.
(DRACULA kills DR. FRANKENSTEIN)
MONSTER: Nooooo! Daddy!
(MONSTER picks up DR. FRANKESTEIN and jumps out the window, running from the ANGRY MOB below.)
ANGRY MOB: There's the monster! Get him!
(MONSTER continues running until he reaches a windmill. After the MONSTER is inside, the ANGRY MOB burns the windmill into charcoal. The screen goes black, and several AUDIENCE MEMBERS protest.)
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Whaaaat?? It can't be over already! What happens now?
(As if to answer their question, the screen shows a city, later recognized as Rome, at night. The camera points at several posters that read Wanted for murder: Van Helsing. Reward offered. Suddenly, a black-gloved hand tears the posters down, and a strange creature, later identified as MR. HYDE, runs down the street, the great (and also wanted hunter) VAN HELSING giving chase.)
MR. HYDE: Catch me if you can, Van Helsing!
(The chase continues until VAN HELSING corners MR. HYDE in the steeple-room of a church. MR. HYDE is completely undaunted by the monster hunter, and proceeds to sneak up behind VAN HELSING and steal his hat.)
VAN HELSING: Give me my hat back. NOW!
MR. HYDE: Neener neener poo poo, you can't take it from me!
(A battle ensues, and VAN HELSING takes out his handy-dandy Tojo blades and cuts MR.HYDE'S arm off. In shock, MR. HYDE drops VAN HELSING'S hat. The battle continues at the top of the church. In executing an attack, however, MR. HYDE overbalances and falls off the building to his death. There is, very unfortunately, a rather large crowd who witnesses this, and all immediately agree that VAN HELSING shoved MR. HYDE off the building.)
RANDOM MAN: Van Helsing, you murderer!
(VAN HELSING mutters something in Latin that no one can understand, then pulls away from the edge of the building, putting his hat on as he goes. How his hat got into his hand from on the floor in the room below is still an unsolved mystery. The screen goes blank once more, to more protests from the audience.)