Into the Wild: Abridged!

by vixundermybed

Uh, after about two hours Rusty was getting bored again and was getting up to leave when the kitten started playing the electric guitar and singing punk rock. Rusty liked punk too, and cried whenever he heard a song. But Rusty cried at every song.

Into the Wild: Abridged

Um. I'm bored, there's nothing to do, so yeah P An into the wild parody, abridged into one crunchy chapter. XD

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Rusty. She –

What?

What, speak up! You say there's nachos for lunch? What?! Wrong script? What are you – oh. Nevermind.

Once upon a time there lived a handsome prince named Rusty. He would demand his food be presented by a butler, and required 23/7 petting by his Twoleg slaves.

His best friend was Smudge, a smudgy cat with smudges. He was a cook in the royal palace neighborhood. He liked pie with pepper and salt completely covering the top and making it look like a cow.

We don't know if he liked cows or if he had a large ego; that's as far as the research got before Smudge invited them over for dinner and they never came back.

Anyway, Smudge and Rusty got married and lived happily ever after.

What? Crap, not again! Uh, Smudge and Rusty would often sit on the Royal Fence and look into the forest where the Folk lived and ate each other.

Smudge didn't like the Folk. Rusty did because they had a special bond with the ASFOAWEHRTOUGSSDGBOUSDOFSONGOGSDEGSDGHSDGHSODGHSODGUHSkDPOGg, or the squirrels.

Some of them spoke ASFOAWEHRTOUGSSDGBOUSDOFSONGOGSDEGSDGHSDGHSODGHSODGUHSkDPOGgian, the language of the squirrels. And some couldn't eat squirrels because they got eating disorders when the squirrels stopped going to the barber and soon all they were was fur taped onto bones.

One day Rusty decided he was bored and went into the forest. He heard someone singing opera and wandered closer, since Rusty was a big fan of soaps and often sobbed during the theme song, which has nothing to do with soaps at all.

He saw a fluffy kitten singing in a manly voice, and envied him for his puberty, staring at him like he was gay. Which he's not, of course, but a passing cat might have assumed so at the way he was staring at the fluffy gray kitten…

Uh, after about two hours Rusty was getting bored again and was getting up to leave when the kitten started playing the electric guitar and singing punk rock. Rusty liked punk too, and cried whenever he heard a song. But Rusty cried at every song, so that wasn't a surprise. He even cried at the opening to Elmo's World.

So anyway, after about five minutes of consecutive musical breaks the kitten stopped singing and put away his guitar (By putting away I mean throwing it into a small puddle, where it sunk beneath the surface and was never seen again), yawning and getting off the platform.

Rusty stopped working the lights and jumped at him, sobbing "OPERA! PUNK ROCK! ELMO'S WORLD!" At the top of his lungs, tears streaming down his face.

Graypaw started to wail too, screaming, "MOMMY! I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A PUNK ROCK STAR! I WANTED TO BE SCREAMO!"

Suddenly his voice had gone from manly to childish, and he was leaning over Rusty's shoulder, sobbing.

Two cats flew down from a cloud, all wet, and said, "Yo, join our Clan. Yo name es Firepaw,heart,star,moo. REMEMBER IT!" The blue one stepped forward and the golden one stepped backwards, in the process falling into the neverending puddle and disappearing.

"Shizzle," The blue cat said. "Come to our Clan and we'll be your FWIEND!" Then she started to sing "Elmo's World" and Rusty sobbed even harder.

The next day Rusty woke up, had breakfast, groomed himself, groomed himself again for good measures, went outside and rolled in mud, groomed himself again, brushed his teeth, said hi to Smudge, said hi to Spots, said hi to Speck, and said hi to Bob.

Then he went back to his catbed, circled it exactly 94 and a quarter times, then went to sleep for five minutes before his alarm clock went off.

He went to ThunderClan, carrying a MapQuest map. But he had printed out a map of all of the Clans and so first he went to ShadowClan camp on accident.

"Hi," He said to the medicine cat who was examining her teeth guiltily, "I like you. Come to ThunderClan sometime and we'll PARTAY!" Then he went to ThunderClan camp upon helpful and violent directions from Brokenstar.

"YO HOMEDAWGS!" He yelled. No one was there. He had spent all day trying to get across a stream and keeping his paws dry at the same time. Eventually, after about 7 and a half hours, he just decided to take the bridge.

By now it was night time. Then suddenly he smelled rotting meat and cats streamed into the camp. "YO DOGS!" He shouted again. They phased through him and went to their dens. The next morning he yelled again, but no one noticed him.

One cat looked straight at him and for a second he thought the cat had seen him, but then the cat wailed, "BLUESTAR! I LOVE YOU! MAKE ME DE-PU-TEEE!" in Emo Edition Version Quarterly Pie (EEVQP). Rusty turned around and saw the blue cat approaching him.

"Yo –BEEP-," Rusty said, knowing she wouldn't see or hear him. "What the –BEEP- have you been up to ya –BEEP-?"

"I BEG YOUR PARDON!" The blue she-cat snbarled(It's a mix between snarling and blowing chunks.). Then she coughed up a chicken leg and pushed it aside.

"I SHALL PUNISH YOU USING MY ALLMIGHTY CONNECTION TO STARSPA!" She announced, and a patch of sunlight hit Rusty. He caught on fire.

"I NAME YOU FIREPAW!" Bluestar yelled. "In honor of your flammable fur!"

"HOORAH!" Shouted the Clan.

"And since being a leader doesn't mean you're smart, I'm not giving you a mentor!" Bluestar yelled.

"HOORAH!" Shouted the Clan.

"None of you get him!" Bluestar yelled.

"HOORAH!" Shouted the Clan.

Then they glanced at each other and all tackled Bluestar, knocking her off the Highrock. And that's how she lost 5 lives.

Firepaw suddenly felt an urge to go hunting. So he went hunting. He returned with half a mouse(don't ask), a rabbit, and Richard Nixon. He also returned with multiple bumps on his head and an acorn lodged in his ear. (The squirrels wouldn't let him kill their brotha from anotha motha.)

Then Bluestar grabbed him, collar'd him, and did the same with Ravenpaw(He had returned a day earlier with a cold while trying to explain how Redtail went to StarSpa) and Tigerstar(He had returned with Redtail's body, saying that he killed him. But because the clans were idiots they got confused by the multiple uses of pronouns and dismissed it as suicide.) telling them that they were going to the NoMoneyBackStone to speak with StarSpa because Bluestar needed her nails done again.

(StarSpa is a company name. They do nails as well.) So she went off and left them behind. They followed her as fast as they could, but were distracted by a butterfly, a rock, and George Bush shouting, "WE MUST COME TOGETHER TO UNITE!"

Bluestar was skipping down the golden brick road when suddenly she was tackled by Firepaw, who looked at her and squealed, turning into a scarecrow.

"I NEED A BRAIN!" Firepaw wailed.

"Yes you do," Bluestar said and walked away. The crows scared Firepaw the Scarecrow and he untied the ropes and ran after her.

Then they ran into a black emo tin can dude. Nah, he wasn't emo, just rusty. It rained rusteeze and Ravenpaw said in a voice similar to that of Stephen Hawkings, "I am free!" Then it rained regular rain and he got rusty again. Then it rained frogs. Then it rained rusteeze again.

"I need a heart," He said computeralyish. He took Bluestar's fancy umbrella and held it over his head as it began to rain fish and tractor-trailers, tractors, and trailers. It didn't once rain real rain.

Then they ran into a tiger who was hanging from a tree. "GET ME DOWN!" He was wailing. "I NEED TO GET DOWN! SAVE ME!"

Ravenpaw's paw turned into a chainsaw and he cut the tree branch. The tiger fell for six inches and then landed on his feet – I mean paws.

He tackled Firepaw and began to sob. Firepaw's hay on the inside got all soggy and he began to feel mushy. "It was terrifying!" The tiger was saying through sobs.

"There there," Bluestar said, petting the tiger. She pet Firepaw and Ravenpaw too. "We'll get you courage, Tigerclaw." Then she took a sniff of the air and added with disgust, "And some deodorant too."

Tigerclaw beamed. "HOORAH!" Shouted the Tigerclaw.

"HOORAH!" Shouted the Clan, miles away.

"Off we go!" Bluestar announced, pointing ahead where the golden brick road stretched for miles. Everyone began to prance – I mean dance – I mean Jungle Run – I mean skip down the road. Then they got tired and started to walk again.

Will Bluestar, Firepaw the Scarecrow, Ravenpaw the tin can dude, and Tigerclaw the courage-less Tigerclaw make it to the end of the yellow brick road? Or is the yellow brick road really a CIRCLE? Have they been lying to us this entire time? NO, OZ, DON'T TELL ME IT'S A LIE!

What?

Not finished? One-shot? One chapter? I NEED TO KEEP WRITING?

Crap. But I liked the italics. Anyway, they got tired of skipping and started walking. Then Firepaw was attacked by crows and they had to drag him. Then it rained hail, breaking a hole in Bluestar's fancy umbrella and causing her to whack said Ravenpaw in the nose.

Then it rained rain and Ravenpaw got rusty. Tigerclaw was too scared to hold Firepaw the Scarecrow since he was a vicious crowfood-eating vulture, so he dragged Ravenpaw on the yellow brick road, leaving a not-so-yellow white line behind them.

Then the entire group realized they had been walking in circles on the yellow brick road – really, the brick road wasn't a circular path, but they were walking in circles atop it. God this is confusing. They walked for two minutes and came to the NoMoneyBackStone. She touched her nose to it and fell asleep on top of Tigerclaw. Tigerclaw freaked out and fled, leaving just Firepaw to look at it in envy with his glass eyes. When Bluestar began to mutter something about rip-offs he got bored and started playing patty-cake with the wall. When he stopped and turned around, Bluestar was sitting nearby and staring at him with a mix between amusement, anger, and envy that he remembered the words.

They went outside to find Tigerclaw using a Rusteeze substitute that was low in carbs on Ravenpaw. Obviously it had rained again. Firepaw knew this because Bluestar was drenched when she woke up. It had nothing to do with Ravenpaw at all. Firepaw thought he rusted when it rained tractors. Weird.

They went back to ThunderClan, stopping at WindClan for a tea party. When they got back the Clan had confetti spread out everywhere and Tigerclaw and Goldenflower were making out in a corner of the camp. Wait – Tigerclaw?!

The mask of Tigerclaw the Tigerclaw fell off, revealing none other than LONGTAIL!

"Like, OMG!" Shouted Squirrelflight from another dimension. She disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Suddenly Yellowfang padded into the camp wearing bling. "Yo, can I be the medicine cat?" She asked.

"Sure," Bluestar said.

Suddenly Brokenstar appeared, then died.

"HOORAH!" Shouted the Darkstripe.

"BOO!" Shouted the Yellowfang. Then she shouted, "HOORAH!"

"YAY!" Shouted the Clan. "NO MORE BROKENSTAR/TAIL!"

"Hoorah!" Shouted Bluestar.

"CELEBRATE!" Shouted Firepaw. Bluestar jumped onto the highrock, slipping once on her own blood which had been spilled when she left.

"In honor of Brokenstar dying, I give Firepaw and Graypaw their warrior names, even though they have only been apprentices for half an hour!" She looked at Firepaw.

"Yo, dog," Firepaw said.

Bluestar looked at him, then his heart caught on fire. "In honor of your burning heart, I give you your warrior name: Fireheart. I don't care about the rest, let me rest."

Then she glared at Graypaw. A stripe across his face appeared, unearthly pale. "In honor of your frightened, pale, unnatural stripe, I give you your warrior name: Graystripe. See above. Good night all. Bluestar has just left the building."

"HOORAH!" Fireheart yelled.

"HOORAH!" The Clan yelled.

"PIE!" The Graystripe yelled.

THE END! THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER! But what do I care, this was a one-time narrating job. I'm outta here.

Yay. That was boring x3 Review please. I like those, you know. They're good with ketchup.