Fandom: FMA
Title: Phoenix Rising
Characters: Ed, Al, Roy

Pairings: Elricest
Rating: R
Warnings: Angst, slight incest, slight yaoi, attempted suicide, violence

Author's Notes: AU

Word Count: 11,865
Status: Incomplete
Disclaimer: Not mine, too bad. Not mine, so sad.

Summary: Alphonse Elric was dead, Ed had killed him, and from the bitter ashes of that crime, the killing machine known as the Soul Alchemist had been born. The Soul Alchemist; Amestris' deadly secret weapon of war. Alphonse Elric.

PHOENIX RISING

Chapter 1

Ed had wandered around, stunned and dazed for several days, until he finally headed for Resembool. He couldn't believe Al had kissed him! Didn't he understand how wrong that was? They were brothers! It was sick and disgusting and… it scared him. He'd run. This wasn't how it was supposed to turn out! They were supposed to live together in harmony. They were supposed to return to Resembool together, where Ed would marry Winry like he was supposed to, and Al would live with them, because Ed had to have Al with him always, and be an uncle to his children and… FUCK. Why did Al have to fuck everything up with that one horrible, sick, disgusting, amazing kiss? He rejected the sudden electric shock of sensation when Al had touched and kissed and whispered words of passion to him. He couldn't have felt anything of the sort, no, never that; it had to have been fear and shame and violation. Yes, Al had violated his body and his trust. He refused to remember the shamed shock that filled his brother's beautiful face when Ed had told him that he was sick and disgusting and depraved; refused to remember the frightened tears and soft begging for forgiveness when Ed had told him he couldn't be his brother anymore, and walked away from him without another word. No, he simply wouldn't remember any of that, and focus only on how wrong and sick Al was. Everything was ruined and it was all Al's fault!

Dully, he walked up the dirt lane to the Rockbell house at last. There was a squeal when Winry opened the door and she hugged him tightly. Then she looked expectantly past him.

"Where is he?" Winry asked in excitement.

Ed was rather nonplussed. After all their passion in Central last year, Winry seemed more eager to see Al than she was to see him. But of course, Al was like a little brother to her. Naturally she would want to see him now that he had his body back. How to explain to her that he'd run away from his brother because Al had touched and kissed him in a way that was not brotherly at all? In a way that felt too good and hot and sweet when it was a nasty terrible sinful thing? But of course it hadn't been good or hot or sweet. How could it have been? Al was sick and deranged, and it was well that Ed had told him. He could only hope that Al would get some help for his mind. Obviously those years as armor had affected him more than anyone realized. Yes, he must remember to send someone to take his little brother to a mind doctor or something. Yes, that's what he would do.

"Umm… He's still in Central." I think. "We decided to… well, spend some time apart. After all, we've lived in each other pockets for years, and…" He broke off. Winry was frowning.

"You left him in Central? But your letter said you just restored him, what, two weeks ago? Is… who's with him? Can we go see him?"

"No!" Ed snapped, feeling aggrieved. "He's fine by himself. He doesn't need anyone to look after him."

Winry watched him with half lidded eyes. "Did you two have a fight?"

"I just don't want to be with him anymore, is that alright? Aren't you at least glad to see me?" He stepped closer and tried to give her a kiss, and was stunned when she stepped back. "What the hell, Winry?"

"Ed…" She said softly. "I thought you understood. I love Al. I always have."

"WTF? What about… In Central, and we…"

"I was lonely. And Al… he didn't want to… be with me, while he was armor. Said it wasn't fair to me. So… you and I… it just happened. But it was always Al I was waiting for, Ed. I thought… I thought you knew. If for one moment I had thought that you would think that you and I would…" She broke off. "Now, where is he?"

"I don't know," he said, his face white. "And in Central, when we… shit! I touched you like that because I thought we would get married when Al finally got his body back. It was what everyone expected. It was what my mother wanted."

"And what about what I wanted? Did you ever stop to think about that? And if you made love to me in Central because it was what you thought everyone wanted, that's even less reason for us to… to… get married. And since when did you care about what everyone expected from you? Fine time for you to decide to suddenly care about that! Now, where is Al? I want to see him. I've been waiting years for this day!"

"I don't know… I left Central, and him, and I… sort of wandered around. I have no clue where he is now." Ed was sullen. Back then, afterward when they lay hot and sweaty in bed, Winry had told him not to read too much into their little liaison, just concentrate on getting their bodies fixed, Ed had assumed she just didn't want him distracted from their quest. It suddenly struck him that he was far more hurt that she'd fucked him because Al wouldn't touch her even in armor, more than it hurt him that she didn't want him like that. After all, Winry… was well, Winry. He'd only even entertained the notion of marrying her, because at least in this one thing he wouldn't let his mother down. In everything else, protecting his little brother, in living the life she would have wanted for him, being the person she'd have wanted him to be… well, he'd made a real hash of that. At least he could have done this for her, even if it was something he would never have entertained on his own behalf.

"You left him in Central, alone?" Winry was shrieking, her face red with anger. "You left him in that… City of sin all alone? In a brand new body? What the hell's the matter with you, Ed? How could you have done that to him? He's so sweet and good and kind… He'll be eaten alive by himself there! I thought you loved him! How could you have done that to him? How could…"

"He kissed me, Winry!" Ed shrieked back, pushed beyond his endurance. "And it wasn't at all brotherly either! He put his tongue in my mouth! Told me he was in love with me, that he'd always wanted me like that! He's my brother! It was wrong! Sinful! I had to get away from him!"

"Since when did sin bother you, Edward?" Suddenly, Aunt Pinako was there, holding her pipe and regarding him with narrowed eyes. "As shocking as it seemed to you, his kissing you, it's not to me. Even when you were both kids, you made sure he never had anyone but you. Lots of the kids here wanted to be your friend, but you pushed them all away. And when they tried to be Al's friend, you pushed them away from him too. And from all I've seen and heard, none of that changed when he was armor. Always moving him from place to place, even when the two of you weren't looking for ways to fix yourselves. You made sure he was welded securely by your side. And now, when he's new to his body and sensations, and thrust suddenly into the hormone ridden body of a teenager, confused and bewildered after half a decade of nothingness… Did you ever stop to think about that, Edward? No, you didn't. So you left him? You just ran out the door and abandoned him? Left him lost, and alone, and confused, betrayed by the one person he loved over anyone else in the world?" Pinako said nothing more, just shook her head and walked back into the house, puffing on her pipe meditatively.

Winry was looking at him with loathing. "How could you, Ed?" She whispered. She too went inside and shut the door, leaving Ed outside. "Grandma, we're going to Central! Al needs us!" Her voice was muffled.

But Ed wasn't really paying attention. He'd even forgotten to show them his automail hand, which he'd altered in the transmutation that retrieved Al's body and fixed his leg and arm. Pinako's words struck him straight to the core. Why hadn't he thought of that? Ed had years to adjust to the hormones of maturity. Al had been thrust into the thick of them without so much as a wet dream to prepare him. Pinako was right. Al had been confused and bewildered. And so had turned to the one he loved, expecting understanding. Instead, he'd been rejected out of hand and abandoned with recrimination and cruel names. Ed shuddered and turned on his heel. In a moment, he was running.

Ed stared at the little house he'd left Al in with dull eyes. A big 'For Rent' sign was posted in the yard. A matronly woman was sweeping the front steps. She looked up and saw him standing there.

"Hello, there, young fellow. Can I help you?" She asked.

"The boy, the one that used to live here…"

She shook her head. "Ah, yes, that poor little boy. So very sad." She continued to shake her head as she swept, her eyes suspiciously bright.

"What… what do you mean?"

"He was such a nice boy, always so kind and sweet. Then one day, he just up and killed himself. The military found him and took the body away." She sniffed. "He was living with another boy, his brother they said. I never met the brother, but this boy, the little Alphonse… Ah, breaks my heart. I only met him a few times. Always brought me a little snack from the garden. Seems his brother left him all alone. Ah, the tears that boy wept. Wouldn't be comforted. Said he deserved to die, for driving his brother away like he did. Can't imagine how someone that sweet and kind could do that. But I never thought…" Tears were running down her cheek. "I didn't think he was really going to do it. I wish…" She wiped her eyes. "He's gone now. I can't help feeling like I… am to blame. He cried so heartbrokenly when his brother left. I tried to comfort him. Then… he was gone. Just like that. I didn't think he would do it. I didn't think…." She couldn't go on. She swallowed, dried her eyes on her apron. "Anyway, what can I do for you… young man? Are you alright?"

Ed was frozen into place. His face was paper white, and it was as if his heart ceased to beat, his lungs to breathe. "You… you said… the military…"

She nodded. "Yes, that new General, the one so famous for defeating that monster we thought was our Fuhrer. He took the boy away. Never thought someone as cold as that man could cry, but when they took that little boy out of the house on that stretcher, all covered up with a sheet, he just cried like a baby. And that soldier with him, that blonde, he was crying too. Both those hardened warriors, crying over that sweet boy. Where… where are you going?"

But Ed was already running again.