Title: "Smutty Shorts"
Author: Sashocirrione
Spoilers: MAJOR Spoilers for the entire series.
Warnings: NO UNDERAGE READERS. See author's notes at the beginnings of individual chapters to see which warnings apply to which chapters. Some are extremely gross or violent or contain disturbing things.
Summary: A collection of shorts that I felt could not stand alone as separate fics. Each chapter is a complete fic, and the collection itself contains 16 unrelated ficlets.
Pairings: See author's notes at the beginnings of individual chapters for the pairing(s) that will be in that chapter.
Additional Notes: None.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.
CHAPTER 1 of "Smutty Shorts"
Title: "Pink is for Danger"
Author: Sashocirrione
Spoilers: Spoilers for up to about the middle of the Yotsuba arc.
Warnings: NO UNDERAGE READERS. Implied sexual activities. Extremely gross. Very, very disgusting. Also, if you are a normal mpreg fan you will probably be sorely disappointed and perhaps even angered by this fic.
Summary: Matsuda is certain that he's pregnant, despite being a male, so he goes to L for advice. This is crack fiction. It is deranged, silly and very, very gross.
Pairing: LxMatsuda
Additional Notes: All canon events previous to the beginning of this fic have happened as normal, except for the LxMatsuda sexual relationship. However, this is extreme crack, so most canon events have nothing to do with the story anyway.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.
It started much like any other day. Matsuda got up, dressed, swallowed a vitamin for good health and energy, brushed his teeth, and took the elevator downstairs to meet with the other investigators and to mooch some doughnuts and coffee off of L.
L always had extra doughnuts, especially in the mornings, and there was never a shortage of coffee.
Plus, there was the fact that L wanted to have a good breakfast ready for his lover. And the fact that L would sometimes lick a little frosting from Matsuda's fingers if nobody else was watching.
Lover.
Every time Matsuda thought of it, he could barely hold back the reaction of blushing. It wasn't an embarrassed blush but rather a happy blush; the warmth in his heart trying to spill onto his face. Well, there was a little embarrassment about the way L's idea of privacy was forcing Light to wear a blindfold and to face in another direction while they had sex.
But that was a tolerable price for getting L, all of L, with no restrictions, totally naked, writhing and moaning beneath Matsuda's every caress.
As the other men talked and prepared for the work day, Matsuda knew that he should be preparing for all the little errands he'd be doing later as Misa's manager. She'd been talking about another shopping trip. But his mind could only focus on some disturbing things he'd been thinking about lately.
For one thing, there were the strange cravings. Matsuda knew he had changed from someone who was occasionally hungry between meals to someone who was hungry all the time, no matter what he ate or how much. It was driving him crazy.
Then there was his stomach. It felt odd, maybe bloated. It was often upset. And, just the last few days, Matsuda was certain he'd felt something occasionally twitch deep in his guts.
L was soon out of doughnuts, but Watari was handing out even more of those pineapple sundaes that he'd had in such abundance lately, and Matsuda ate four of them before Misa's just-waking-up tantrum forced him to leave with her on a day filled with errands.
He could hardly think of anything except food. And L in a Lolita dress, as Misa tried a number of them on and Matsuda couldn't help but imagine his lover in a kinky game of cross-dressing. But during one of the long breaks he did manage to go on the internet and leave a few messages on various medical forums, asking about his symptoms.
He didn't get the answers until the next day, when his symptoms were even worse.
Several people thought he needed to take a pregnancy test.
Pregnant?
But, the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Everything matched up.
Except for being male, which he'd forgotten to mention online.
But maybe that wasn't an issue. Scientists were always discovering new things, and Matsuda thought he'd once seen a pregnant man on the cover of a magazine. Besides, an asshole was even better than a vagina. L had said so himself. If the asshole was better, then it must have every ability the vagina had and more.
It was dreadful to think of, but L needed to know. Matsuda crept into L and Light's bedroom at night and said, "I need to be private with you, L, so we can do something. It's really, really important."
"Really? More private than anything else we've ever done?"
L's eyes positively sparkled. He nearly dropped one of the little pastry things he was eating in his coffee.
Matsuda said, "Yes. It's just not... not for Light's ears."
A few minutes later Light was off somewhere chained to Watari and they were alone in the bedroom.
Matsuda stammered a few times and then said, "I'm pregnant."
L said nothing at first, but then he threw back his head, clutched at his stomach and laughed loudly, an unnatural cackle like nothing Matsuda had ever heard from L before.
As L's laughter slowly decreased, Matsuda began describing his symptoms.
L listened, and when Matsuda was done, he said, "You're actually serious? This isn't a joke?"
"Yes, I'm completely serious! What are we going to do with a child?"
L said, "Matsuda, can I see those vitamins you've been taking lately?"
Matsuda pulled the bottle from his shirt pocket and handed it over.
Black, owl-like eyes scrutinized the label as L dangled the bottle in a finger-and-thumb grip. Seeming to not find whatever he was looking for, L opened the bottle, poured a few pills into his hand, stared and sniffed at them. Next, he crushed one pill to powder, mixed it with a piece of something he had picked apart from the middle of a gooey pastry, then spilled some coffee on the mixture and watched it fizzle.
"Just as I thought," L said, "blue, pungent, and it reacts with starch. I knew you weren't this stupid, Matsuda."
"What?"
"You've been taking Stupid Pills. They decrease the average person's intelligence by about a hundred IQ points, sometimes much more. Unscrupulous health food stores sometimes sell Stupid Pills as vitamins, hoping to more easily convince their customers to buy additional unnecessary products."
Matsuda said, "So, you mean Stupid Pills make you pregnant?"
L sighed.
L said, "No, Matsuda. I think we can follow two clues to the likely answer for your condition. One is the copious amount of pineapple you've been eating lately. The other is, a few months ago, when I warned you to send back that undercooked steak you ordered but you didn't listen. The middle was pink, do you remember? Pink is a dangerous color."
"Pineapple and pink? I don't get it."
Matsuda slapped a hand to his forehead, saying, "Oh, I'm such an idiot! A useless idiot! Please explain it, L."
In a quiet, solemn voice, L said, "You're not going to like it."
"Tell me."
"Undercooked beef can contain live tapeworm cysts. Beef tapeworms are one of the largest species. If they move, you may feel it. Additionally, pineapple is toxic to tapeworms. That has been likely making your visitor thrash, though it probably won't kill it unless you eat nothing except pineapple for a week."
"You mean I'm pregnant with a tapeworm? Our child is a tapeworm?"
"No, Matsuda, that's the Stupid Pills talking. They'll wear off in approximately a day and then what I've told you will make more sense. You have a tapeworm the normal way. You're infected."
Infected.
Matsuda could feel his heart beating in his chest.
Infected.
It was disgusting. Utterly disgusting.
L looked at the bottle of pills and said, "Matsuda, you've given me a brilliant idea. I think I'll start feeding Stupid Pills to Light."
Matsuda screamed. His hands were clutching his stomach, though he couldn't remember placing them there.
"Get it out of me, get it out of me, getitoutofme, getitoutofme!"
"Calm down, Matsuda. We'll obtain a prescription and kill it. It is very simple."
After a pause, L added, "However, you're not getting laid again until you're clean. I don't want to bump into that thing."
Matsuda puked.
L dryly said, "That's not how you dislodge a tapeworm. They have hooks, and each of their many segments has both male and female reproductive parts, laying thousands of-"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!"
A/N (Author's Note):
I can hardly believe that this fic, of all things, ended up being my first completed LxMatsuda (not counting the briefly-mentioned LxLightxMatsuda threesome in "Everyone Wants L" where L gets pretty much everyone in the series, mostly in threesomes and foursomes).
I thought my first LxMatsuda wouldn't be this gross and silly. I have a serious LxMatsuda sitting unfinished on my computer. Right now it's only a few paragraphs and a plot outline and I have no idea when/if I'll ever finish it and upload so that others can see.
I hope the warnings were adequate for the level of grossness involved, and for the mpreg bait-and-switch plot.
This was actually written for an mpreg prompt at the Death Note kink meme on livejournal (I'm uploading it to the new, moved meme at dn_kink2, come visit us there if you want to see all the new updates by many talented authors).
However, as usual, I couldn't pull off real mpreg.
Fortunately, the prompt said cracky was okay, and there is a previous fill for that same prompt that is also cracky, so I figured it was fine (otherwise I'd be afraid of upsetting the original prompter).