What Not To Do

Chapter One: Don't Forget Byakuya!

Disclaimer: No for crying out loud, I DO NOT in any way own Bleach! That is the genius of Tite Kubo-sama! Not me!

A/N: Sorry I've been too busy to write much as of late! *hits ma head into wall* I have a long list of new chapters and stories to conjure so I'll get right erm write on it! LOL! That wasn't a lame pun at all geez…*hits head into wall again*

Sean: NOOO!! Don't damage your beautiful face!

Me: OK! ^,^ *grabs Sean's head to slam into wall instead*

Sean: NOOOO!!! AHH!!

Song of the Mo: Dodo Dance and Splaaash Boogie by Shiro Saguis (Hey they really fit!! BTW those are Bleach background songs when something really funny or stoopid happen!)

Being of noble birth and blood meant that in times of chaos, disarray and complete panicked disorder, the nobles should be the calm, emotionless voices of reason. Unfortunately for oneof the most well-known of aristocracy and nobility, Byakuya Kuchiki, when the chaos, disarray and complete panicked disorder was a looming invisible silence and there was no one around…he slowly lost his sanity.

It all began earlier that morning when Byakuya strode into his division office and discovered that not a single paper in his usual mountain of stupid papers had been filled out. Peculiar…Renji normally has at least half of these done by this time…Feeling ill at ease he slid open the door to the lieutenants office.

There wasn't a readheaded, slouching, lovesick lieutenant to be seen. Usually it was easy to sense his distinctive reitsu from miles away, but it felt to the icy noble that a thick fog was clogging his senses, jamming his awareness of spiritual pressure…something that never happens to the man. Foreboding…he thought with calm composure. Perhaps he is visiting Rukia…or Izuru, Hinamori or one of the other vice captains. Any moment now he'll pop through that door looking fluttered, bowing and apologizing for his tardiness. Byakuya, not wanting to have to have to wait for anyone, or appeal to be waiting, went back to his desk, attempting to conquer his pile of pesky paperwork. Five minutes later and only two papers out of a billion in, he stopped, anger mounting with each tick of his clock.

Renji is never this late…I will have to reprimand this as soon as comes. Then a moment of realization hit the captain like the thick unrestrained reitsu of a certain orange-haired boy. At around this time…SHE comes to pester me. But where is she? The demon with pink hair and a child's face? As poised as usual, Byakuya-though he couldn't sense anyone for some reason-kept his eyes slowly searching the room, back and forth, back and forth, one hand secretly on his candy drawer. Any moment now…she's going to pop out with her infuriating and degrading nickname for me and demand for me to play with her and I will thrust some sweets into her childish face to silence her. He waited, only, there wasn't a sign of her at all. The only sound Byakuya could hear was the deafening ticking of his clock. Now this is odd…But mostly he was concerned that his lieutenant was slacking off somehow. So, after straightening his desk and uniform, Byakuya set off from his seemingly deserted barracks toward the vice captain hangout.

All the while Byakuya saw not a hell butterfly nor heard a cackle of maniacal laughter from Research and Development. Much to his unemotional surprise he found not hair nor hide of anyone in any of the buildings he flash-stepped to. Becoming both increasingly panicked and irritated, he grew restless of hearing the dull, lonesome whine of the wind. Finally unable to take it anymore the flash-stepped to the head general's HQ, wanting to report how slack everyone in the Gotei 13 had gotten, because they were most likely all partying somewhere. Byakuya entered the intimidating structure, this time a bit surprised to see that of all people in the 13 Court Guard Squads, this area he assumed to be the most responsible, yet no one appeared to take his request for an audience with Captain Yamamoto. Getting antsy with anger now, Byuakuya gave up on waiting and charged through the chamber doors with a vengeance. But he remembered his noble etiquette and kept his head bowed as he entered.

"Forgive me sir. But it has come to my attention as well, I'm sure, as your own, that the squads are all-" No one was in there. Where the hell is everyone?! Looking around slyly, he waited for someone to pop out and tell him it was all a cruel joke…then he would show his good humor with his blade. But again…no one appeared in the hallowed, lifeless halls, a pin drop could've been a deafening roar to the alarmed and angry man. If some sort of crisis had arisen…I would have been informed already. Not even to Stealth Force has appeared. Wearily, and feeling like a helpless child who couldn't keep up with an old cat-like lady, he tried to force his thoughts in a constrained calm. Perhaps this situation is for the best…I can…finally do as I wish without irksome fools interrupting my precious quiet.

The thought began to blossom blissfully in his mind. Yes…that sounds rather…fun…? I ran…go into the garden at the estate, tend to it…maybe visit Hisana's grave… Walking with his head uncharacteristically in the clouds and the very ghostly-est hint of a minuscule smile on his slightly cracking façade. I never really had time to myself…perhaps I deserve a brief moment or two. Deciding to make the most of these brief moments without some bumbling idiot always ruining it for him.

Stepping back into his grand home, his serenity didn't last much longer. Where is Rukia then?! Worridly and with mounting guilt Byakuya scoured the house with calm frantic power. He had immediately assumed his 'sister/niece' was still safely tucked away in the human world with him. (He also hated to admit she was safe around the boy.) But then he recalled, she was supposed to return sometime today! How could I just forget something so important!?

Just as he hurried to her bedroom, a curious thought entered her mind that made him pause in the hallway. That door…that secret door I keep sealing to keep out those vile Women's Shinigami Association members. Byakuya Kuchiki had a feeling. Using kido he broke through the sealed hidden door…and immediately sensed he had also broken through someone else's kido spell. The scene before him was almost enough to make his jaw drop.

Somehow his small and drab little room had been utterly transformed into…an enormous training room complete with a painted sky and dead looking trees. And every single uniformed Soul Reaper in the Gotei 13…was gathered around, for what Byakuya couldn't tell…other than that the entire room was cheering and yelling extremely occupied in whatever it was they were watching, too preoccupied to notice the utterly bewildered and angry man mentally gaping at the crowd in his house without permission! Internally he struggled to remain calm and composed.

There was much drunken laughter coming from a corner where Captain Kuraku. Vice Captain's Matsumoto, Izuru, and Hisagi sat and an angry Vice Captain Nanao buzzed around. Kenpatchi and the pink heading Vice Captain Annoying-Pants were learning against a wall grinning and the girl clapping, as they watched something Byakuya couldn't see due to the crowd. What…are…these people doing here!?

Finally he pushed his way through the rowdy crowd until he eventually saw the cause of all the crowds in his abode. What he saw angered him more than anything. There clustered around a tiny table teeming with bizarre life sat certain individuals with something in their hands. And the voice that caught his attention and most important of these certain individuals was Rukia…arguing quite unlady-like with him, the stupid boy. They were yelling in each other's faces, insults flying like the tick marks and flames hovering furiously around them. How dare they dishonor the Kuchiki name in front of all the Gotei 13?! And before Head Captain General Yamamoto no less? The important man sat amongst the rowdy crowd on a royally crafted chair, face expressionless, back straight with commanding authority, hands firmly clasping his cane.

Byakuya stood in a horrified daze as his sister/niece proceeded to yell at the man sitting next to her like a fool, only to have another fool join the twosome in arguing: Renji. He neglected his duties for what?! Chaos?! All these disciplined shinigami here at some pointless party?! Byakuya then realized that Rukia, the boy, and Renji were not the only ones seated at the table, surrounded by hordes of slacker shinigami, who cheered and shouted random things. The gingerheaded girl that Rukia had often spoke about as a dear friend, Orihime Inoue was laughing nervously and Yachiru was shouting out something that sounded like "knife". The bespectacled Quincy lad, Uryu Ishida, was calmly pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, in his hands was a handful of what looked like hard pieces of paper. A giant curly-haired youth sat opposite the other two, throwing some cubes onto the table.

And suddenly it was all very painfully clear to Byakuya Kuchiki that everyone had become dead silent. The cheers had ceased as soon as the noble strode up to the table, but it seemed two people hadn't quite got the 'shut up' memo. Rukia and Ichigo continued to bicker with the paper crumpled in their hands.

"What is going on here boy?" Byakuya flashstepped to the other side of the table, Ichigo jumped, swallowed and slowly turned around.

"Eh …well…" He smiled nervously, scratching the back of his head. "Rukia didn't know what a board game was and…we all decided to come-Chad wanted to play, then Orihime really wanted to play because it sounded fun and Uryu HAD to follow Orhime so we came with Rukia through the Seikaimon to show her how to play it when we bumped into Renji and Rangiku and they got curious so THEY decided to tag along and Rangiku is a chatterbox so SHE passed the word along that we were having a party and dragged her captain and drinking buddies with her and eventually somehow everyone in Soul Society…uh just showed up…"

"Damn we were hopin' you wouldn't find us though Kuchiki." Growled a disappointed sounding man, whose voice could only belong to Captain Shunsui…who was obviously drunk. "You always spoil the parties…" Everyone fidgeted nervously. It was true. It was true that they even had someone but up a blocking spell so that he couldn't sense them…and it was all up in smoke now. The fun was over.

"Please…" Byakuya quietly but eerily calmly began as his reitsu spiked. "Don't stop…on my behalf…"

"Yes continue."Suddenly commanded the old man in charge of all of the shinigami. Yamamoto was…erm…actually curious as to the 'board game' of the human world.

Awkwardly quiet, the group at the table proceeded to look at hard pieces of paper and toss little cubes. Yachiru suddenly jumped up, destroying the thick tension and beads of sweat. "Jiggles!!" She called down to Orihime again. "It's knife! Choose knife!!" Byakuya stared in confusion to the strange comments.

"Ichigo!" Ikkaku called. "It has to be the red guy!" Renji immediately stood up nearly knocking the table over. "It is not!!"

Rukia smirked throwing the cubes and moving a little statue figurine on the board. "That's right. Renji's the girl not guy." Renji turned red, as she continued. "What's her name again?" Ichigo mischievously joined in. "Miss Scarlet."

Renji snagged Ichigo's shirt hoisting him a bit, but Ichigo looked bored. "I'll have you know I wanted to be the guy but everyone already chose pieces!!" Ichigo poked a finger in his ear as if cleaning it out, still indifferent. "Good thing we aren't playing monopoly…you'd get mad being the shoe." Renji, having no idea what the twerp was talking about or anyone else but the humans anyways, felt a vein pop out.

"Ichigo. It's your turn." Rukia reminded him blithely. He pushed away from an enraged and confused Renji, sat back down and threw the cube. "Damn. Two spaces. Uryu your turn." He handed off the cubes as he looked over his papers, the crowd on the edge of their seats.

"I think I know…" His glasses gleamed. "…the answer."

"What already??" Ichigo blinked surprised. Meanwhile no one noticed that Byaukuya's spiritual pressure was rising angrily and very much dangerously.

"Quincy! Make a guess I'm betting you'll be right!" Strangely enough it was Mayuri who shouted shrilly. "My calculations are never wrong."

"Fine." Uryu almost grinned. He looked up from his paper pieces confidently and dramatically, almost hearing his own dramatic background music. "I will guess."

Everyone scooted closer, extremely anxious. Yachiru jumped up and down. "Knife knife knifffeeee!!!!"

Suddenly Uryu stood slamming his hand noticeably on the table, eyes flashing behind glowing lenses, hair twirling in slow mo action. "It's Reverend Green, library, lead pipe!" He looked in a small envelope confident. Only to blink in disbelief. "No…way…"

The crowd gasped and Mayori cussed, dancing like a spoiled brat that didn't get their way. "DAMN! HOW COULD I FAIL!? MY RESEARCH WAS FOR NAUGHT!"

"Pay up now~!" Urahara smirked beneath the brim of his hat's shadow. Yoruichi shook her head.

Byakuya was set to go off any second now.

"Ha!" Ichigo stood as well jamming a gloating finger in the shamed Quincy's face as he hung his head. "You lost!!" Chad sighed. He was Reverend Green.

Yachiru was clapping her hands happily on Kenpatchi's shoulder. "I told you it's the kkniiifffeee!!"

Byakuya was counting down in his lowered head. 10…9…8…

"Aw Uryu-kun~!" Orhime cried sympathetically. "I'll win for you!" She set her face in a determined cute expression. "Um…I think it's…Ms. White…" Rukia blinked at her character's name, Orihime felt bad so she changed her mind. "Um wait no it's...Colonel Mustard…" Ichigo looked up surprised. Orihime didn't want him disappointed either so she tried again as the crowd grew impatient and called out names. "Um…fine Mrs. Peacock…." She said her own character. But people shouted a different name. "Erm sorry Uryu-kun…Professor Plum…and it's in…" Her stomach growled. "Ehehe! The kitchen and with…" Yachiru screamed her factor again. "a-and the knife!" She looked into the envelope. "Oh no!" She cried out, looked sadly at Uryu. "I'm sorry Uryu-kun! I lost too!" He looked away with a slight blush, crossing his arms. "It's nothing to be sad about. It's just a game."

…7…6…5…

The crowd grew rowdier, shouting more guesses. Yamamoto slowly knocked his cane in the ground, getting them quieter. Renji didn't land on a room but Ichigo did on his next turn. "Yes! I'm so going to win now!" The crowd was placing more and more bets and Urahara was growing rich. "Alright! Miss Scarlet! Knife! Kitchen!" He opened the envelope on the table that seemed to house more hard paper. He grinned gloating. "Sorry I had to win Ishida! Ehehe! HUH!?" His smirk evaporated into shock! "DAMMIT! NO WAY!!" Rukia patted his shoulder fake sympathetically. "Oh so sorry Kurosaki. I guess that means it's down to me to win!" "Not so fast!" Renji growled. Chad sweatdropped taking his turn.

"Hrn." The crowd leaned in as he landed on a room. What would he guess?! "…hhrmm…" Yeeasss??!

…4…3…2…

He mumbled something that no one could hear, hand on the envelope. "WHAT!? SAY IT LOUDER CHAD!"

1!!! "ENOUGH!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUUUUSEEEEEEE!!!!!" Byakuya's true exploded angry uncomposed noble form was revealed as his spiritual pressure sounded like thunder, creaking the entire building and shaking the Seireitei. "NNNOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!" People screamed, turning for the door and running for their lives. The captains sighed disappointed for not finding out who the murderer was. "Party pooper." Shunsui sipped sadly on a cup of sake that Nano didn't see him slip by her. "Kuchiki you are no fun at all…loosen up a bit…" Byakuya spun in his direction, bats and darkness swarming, pulling out his zanpakto. " SCATTER!! SENBONZAKURA!!" Yoruichi wrapped cloth around the blade before it could activate. "Calm down Byakuya." "GET OUTTTT!!!" He flashstepped chasing her and actually catching up to her, all as Yamamoto and those still at the table and around it watched in sweating shock and the old man calmly seated... "EVERYONE OUTTT!!!"

The captains skipped out nervously as the crazed man smacking Yoruichi through a wall. Her eyes wide as she flew by their heads. "TAG YOU'RE IT FLASH STEP MASTER!!"

The building was scrammed. Little dust clouds floating were the only reminder that anyone had been there at all…or so insane ByaBya thought. He stood feeling the rage ebb away, panting. "…finally…left…"

"Woah! KUCHKI! LET'S FIGHT!" He forgot Kenpachi….Wide eyed and no longer crazed, Byakuya's boyhood anger had vanished as a jagged zanpakto flew past him. And a pink haired twerp landed on his head. "Let's pwayyy!!!" Instinctively, the panicked Captain reached into his pocket, pulled out some candy and threw it as far as he could out the new hole in his wall. The effect was immediate. The demon grabbed her Ken-chan by the scruff of the neck and gleefully dragged him far FAR away after her treats. "YEA!!! CANDYYY!!! CHARLIE!!!"

"Phew." Byakuya breathed.

"My how the Kuchiki clan has fallen." A gruff voice sighed. DAMN. I FORGOT ABOUT HIM TOO. O,o

"H-head Captain General…!" Whimpered Byakuya as he turned to him. Only to see something frightening.

The head captain's chair was hoisted on a huge gatekeepers shoulder and the man was in a strange pose with one hand raised heroically in the air. "ONWARD JIDONBO!" The randomly appearing gatekeeper charged through a wall and Yamamoto raised his cane in triumph and giggling as they sped off into the sunset. "HUZZAH!!"

Those stiillll seated at the table as well as Byakuya had eyes the size of dinner plates, all frozen in a WTHECK trance. "…!!"

They all slowly looked at each other, it was like someone waiting to draw in a wild west showdown. Tumbleweeds could have gone by and it would have been perfect. Eyes darted to one face after another…beads of sweat rolling, gulps of fear…hands twitching with cards left in their hands… Then…Uyru abruptly got up, dashed over to Orhime, threw her like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder and ran like hell threw a new hole he made in the wall, never to be seen again as Orihime cried out in confusion. He called out as the rest watched. "I'LL SAVE YOU ORIHIMEEEE!!!!"

Then Renji and Ichigo looked at each other like deer caught in the headlights, then down at the midget between them. But before either on could snatch her to safety with them a blade separated them. "No wedding bells in the future…" His eyes blackened and they ran off with him chasing behind them. "…FOR YOUUUU!!!!" He sliced at them but they kept running screaming like little girls.

Speaking of which. "Brother!" Rukia called but her brobro was busy disposing of her friends and or lovers. "Oh well…I guess I'll just go make some popcorn." She got up from her spot at the table and calmly dodged blades toward a corner of the room where a concession stand was for no apparent reason. And as the screams of men and wusses rose, sword blasts destroying what remained of the Kuchiki manor on a beautiful winter's day…one man still sat statue-like at the now empty table.

"I won." Chad spoke to no one in particular as a Gesuga Tensho sliced the table in front of him into splinters and demolished the forgotten Clue board game.

"YEAS! PAY UP~!" Urahara's voice echoed from somewhere and Chad sat, blasts of powerful attacks and screams swarming behind him and the sound of popcorn in a microwave.

Chad's face grew darker, eyes revealed and they were leering, mouth curling into a bloodcurling Youichi Hiruma grin, hands coming up to his face as his shoulders began to shake in an oncoming laughter. "I…WON!" His voice rose and he began to cackle all alone on his foldable chair. "BWAHAHAAHHAH! BWAHAHAHAAHAHH!!!" Somewhere Light of Death Note felt that someone was taking his laugh.

"YASUTORA…" He devilishly and hollowly smirked. "…TRAINING ROOM…" He stood, shadows following him as he reached into his pocket. "…CANDLESTICK…" A candle appeared in his hand. He blew it out. And the whole room was suddenly dark. The popcorn was done and beeping. And the fighting still commenced. But Chad…he won.

And Byakuya…needed to call Extreme Home Makeover…because his noble home…was no longer four walls and a roof.

What not to do? Never let Byakuya into your party…he ruins everything…even his own house.

Also…never…let…Chad…drink the fruit punch… O,o

LOL WHAT THE CRAP!!?? Ahahaha Happy early Holloween Yalll!!!!! I have no idea where that story came from it was so stupid there at the end! I hope you liked its freakish-ness!! It started out as just a 'what would happen if Ichigo taught Rukia how to play board games' but felt it would be toooo boring as just that…

More crackfics of this sort probably to come in this new series…it will have shots of seriousness but also some OOC-ness just because I'm weird like that yo!

Peace out yall! And yes I described cards as 'hard pieces of paper' and dice as 'cubes' and stuff like that on purpose so it was harder to tell lol! From now on I'ma calling Renji 'Miss Scarlet' lol JK!!!