We're done. It's over. Each step brings a new thought to my mind. Each breath brings back all the reasons I must do this no matter how much it's breaking my heart. I have never loved someone as much as I do Alec but I can't keep living in the shadows. My phone starts ringing waking me from my thoughts; 8 missed calls from Alec. My stomach becomes an elevator plummeting to the bottom floor. I can't do this.
There's a rapid heavy knock at the door, it's Alec I don't need to open it to know. Grabbing the handle, I take a deep breath in closing my eyes. As I twist the handle opening the door I release the breath and open my eyes revealing a disheveled Alec before me concern covering his face, hurt in his eyes. He knows what is about to happen, I don't know how but he does. We both just stand in our places too scared to say a word worried of what the other will say. I have to do this.
My name escapes his lips, quiet and sad they take him by surprise like he didn't mean to say a word but his heart beat him. I feel my heart crack, once this is over there will be nothing left but broken pieces that in time will mend but his words, the way he says my name it will be forever etched on it.
Stepping aside he hesitantly walks into the middle of the room, "Magnus don't do this." His eyes are starting to water. Stepping forward I reach my hand up to his face and the tears fall, wiping away one tear I place a kiss where it ran down his cheek and do the same to the other side before then gently kissing his mouth as he once again whispers my name. By the angel how my heart wants me to do as that in this very moment. "Please don't make this harder than it already is Alexander." I cross my arms stopping them from reaching out to him.
"I can't live in the shadows any longer Alec. I can't hide the fact that I love you when we are outside my home which more feels like the only place we are in a relationship." He takes his hands from his pockets turning his back on me as he wipes away the tears he thinks I didn't see. "Do you think I don't know how hard it is Magnus to not be able to touch you, to hold you. When it's all I want to do, it's as if it is a natural reaction when I'm near you." I can feel myself getting angry at his words as my heart also cracks again at his words. It's a war between mind and heart.
"You are the one that has put us in this situation, Alexander. If you wanted to hold me in front of your parents you could have. It was your choice not to. You told me not to." He whips back around to face me taking a step forward "Do you think that I wanted to hide us. Do you even know what my parents would do if they found out I was with you? We had a better chance of survival with them not knowing."
"Survival? Alec, we're talking about love, this isn't a game of surviving this is about living the life you want, not the life your parents want for you." He takes a few more steps towards me reaching out for me "Magnus please…" my heart cracks for the third time at his plea. "I don't understand you, Alexander." He snatches his hand away at my words anger flashing across his eyes "You will fight for us here, you fought for us with your friends. But when it comes to your parents you won't fight for us." I take a deep breath, I'm about to do this.
"Alexander I love you, I love you, heart and soul. But I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hiding my feelings for you. I deserve better than this. We deserve better than this." My heart cracks. "I lost you before you even opened that door." He runs his hands through his black hair, his blue eyes shining from the tears. "No matter what I said it would've ended the same way." He lets out a scuff almost sounding like a laugh as he shakes his head. His phone starts going off in his pocket, we stare at each other for a moment then he glances at it. "Jace needs me, I have to go." Without another word or a look back at me, he's gone from the apartment. Then comes the thought that breaks my heart, he may never come back.
#
It has been hours since Alec and I spoke and I haven't heard anything from him, not that I really expected to but a part of my broken heart had hoped he might.
A knock at the door makes the hope that maybe he did come back rush to the surface. Swinging the door open it was not a tall man with black hair and blue eyes that stood before me. This man had blonde hair and golden eyes. "Jace?" He doesn't say a word. That's when I notice that smug smile he has that always annoyed him about him was suddenly gone and now I wished for it. I move my eyes up to his eyes. Then it hits me. "No. He can't be." I start shaking my head trying to force the tears back down. "Magnus I'm so sorry. He went off on his own, He thought he could handle the demons but there was just too many."
He goes to reach towards me to comfort me. I don't want him to be the one to comfort me, I want Alec. "Alec is dead Magnus. He asked me to tell you that he still loves you and that he's sorry." With a massive bang, my arm suddenly slams the door in Jaces' face as his words repeat in my head Alec is dead. Alec is dead. I feel my heart shatter; my hands fly to my chest to catch the pieces. Nothing has hurt like this before. I would rather be dead than feeling this amount of grief. "Alexander" his name escapes my lips as his last words play on repeat in my head. Grabbing my phone from my pocket I quickly dial his number This is Alec Lightwood please leave me a message after the tone I close my eyes at hearing his voice pretending he is here with me now "I love you, Alec. I will always love you. I would rather a lifetime of living in the shadows with you than a life without you." I lose the ability to force the tears down anymore.
"I miss you. Come back to me."