GOTTA GO FAST
I was only 9 years old. I loved Sonic so much. I had all the merchandise, even a pair of sneakers painted to look like Sonic's. Every night I pray to Sonic, thanking him for how fast I am. My parents hear me praying. They love Shrek even more than Sonic. They call me an onion. I'm sent to my room. I lie in bed. Suddenly, I feel a breeze. It's Sonic. He's running through my window. He touches me and says, "I'm 2fast2quick 4 Shrek." I smile. Sonic grips me and gives me a big surprise. It's a long slim tube. I know it'll make me go faster. He opens it up for me. Inside is a pen. It's a sonic pen. I'm wetting myself with my tears of joy. Sonic touches me again and calls me xxx420FAZEITxxx. I thanks him. He responds by looking me in the eye. Slowly, he says, "Go fast", and jumps out my windows again. I lie in bed. Touching my own hands with each other. I rub the Sonic pen between my hands back and forth. I loved Sonic so much. I understand what Sonic said. I knew what he wanted me to do. I take off all my clothes, and put the pen in my slippers. I'm ready. I jump out the same window Sonic did. I keep running naked until I see sonic.
"Praise Allah Akbar", he said, and he disappeared again. In the place where he stood was a box. In there is a $10 bill. I know what Sonic who want me to do with it. I take it. I also take off my slippers, and put on my Sonic sneakers.
"I CAN GO FAST," I whisper to myself and the Sonic inside of me. I run barely clothed to the next tree. It's almost daytime now. Hedgehogs sleep in the day. I am a hedgehog. I sleep. If I didn't sleep the NSA would come and make me not go fast anymore. So I climb up the tree. I see squirrels waiting for me. I see them. They see me.
"Go fast," I whisper to them. They understand. All squirrels are ΔIlluminatiΔ members. All ΔIlluminatiΔ Go Fast®. They Go Fast® because they all pray to Sonic. They understand. They carry me off to sleep on a bed of nuts. They touch me good night. I will sleep well now.
When I wake up I see Sonic above me. He's lying on the branch above me. He leans in close and puts chloroform in my mouth. I understand. Going fast is stressful. Sonic was no exception. The last thing I see before I black you is Sonic standing over me.
When I woke up again, I fall off the tree. My arms hurt. Both of them. And so did my anus. But it didn't matter. As long as my arms and my anus both Go Fast®, I had no ogres to worry about. I see something else fall from the tree. It's a flash of blue. I run towards it very fast. It's a gift from Sonic. It's a bag of cocaine. Suddenly, I understand why Sonic had put me on this planet for now. Slowly, I open the bag. Fastly, with on Sonic powered whiff, I was going faster. I jog to my nearest gun store.
I buy some heavy machines guns and some grenades. I walk to the counter, naked. No clothes only makes you faster. I go to the checkout center. The man tells me it'll cost four thousand dollars and a gun license. Sonic didn't need a gun license to kill Shrek, so why would I? I ask him to accept the $10 bill. He doesn't. He's not letting me go fast. So I kill him until he's dead. I find more guns under the table.
As I walk into town, I'm wearing my favorite Sonic Military Great, the Go-Go Bullets vest and my favorite Sonic gas mask. Then I start throwing some nerve gas and grenades around. I see people going very fast now. I see some people not wanting to go fast. I shoot them a couple times. They're going fast now. I see a mall in front of me. I enter.
After making the mall go fast, I feel sad on the inside. And it wasn't my elder puberty. I felt sad because people weren't going fast enough. So I load up my explosive round in to my Sonic AK-46 fast rifle. Now, people would blow up and go fast once I shot them. I see a circus in front of me. Sonic hated circuses. He hates them because they had clowns. Clowns were part of the NSA. And the NSA once touched Sonic's grandmother in the private part before. I decided they wouldn't go fast like the other people. I launch my RPG-7 at them. Now, all their internal organs are going fast. Sonic would be proud of me. Suddenly I hear something.
"Stop!" I hated that word. Stop was no fast at all. I turn around. I see the po-po. They don't want me to go fast. So I make them go fast. They're not complaining anymore
After making my entire town go fast, I move on. The entire state going fast. Then, the entire state is going fast. Soon, the entire county then the Earth will be going fast.
"Gotta go fast," I say, "Gotta go faster."