She longed to be struck with tragedy.
She longed to feel something hit her so hard it would knock the air out of her and she could escape the depths and whispers of her mind and have reality smack her across the face.
She longed for something that would grabtwistturnthrowwhirlspin her before finally spitting her out so that she would forget all she knew and all she thought she knew and all she wasn't sure she knew except that her lungs were breathing and she was alive.
She longed for something that would leave her so shocked that the only thing she could hear would be the steadysteadysteady beat of her heart.
She longed for something that would break and pound and shatter her into a million little pieces so that there was no way they could expect her to be together because no one (notevenher) can do that despite whatever else they'd like to think.
She longed for that searing pain to fill up everyinch of her heart and leave no room for him because this was the only way she could think of to shove him out and he didn't belong here and she knew this, but why couldn't her heart understand?
She longed for something that would tear her apart because maybe the blood and screams would be enough to make them run after her the way she always ran after them (chasinggaspingdesperateneedingbuttheydidn'tcarebecausesheisnothing). Maybe it would finally be their turn to care.
She longed for something that would freeze her up in such a way that the only source of warmth and comfort would be in his arms, safe and protected in his strong embrace.
She longed for something that would give her a reason to break down sobbing because then she wouldn't have to answer the questions (whatiswrong?why?how?) she didn't know the answer to.
She longed for something that irredeemably scar her so they could remember she was a human being and a person too, and just because she didn't show her emotions all the time doesn't mean she never had them (whydoeseverythinghurtsodeeply?).
She longed for something that would pull her s away that she would be completely lost and maybe then she could find herself.
But most of all, she longed for something that would ruin her beyond repair because that is what she deserves for being so selfish and ungrateful.
For longing to be struck with tragedy.