Josh doesn't love me.
Josh doesn't love me, Donna.
Joshua Lyman does not love Donnatella Moss.
The feelings behind those words, that sentence, should be overwhelming, but I have had a few months to become accustomed to the sentiment so it doesn't affect me anymore. Yet, I still wake up each morning repeating those words over and over again. It is my new mantra, a reminder if you will, so that no matter what happens throughout the day I don't get my hopes up, I don't let me heart start to feel, start to believe for even a moment that things could be different, they aren't and they never will be...
So how did I get to this moment? It started very innocently a few months ago when Congressman Wade arrived for his 10:00am meeting. We were behind schedule, a shock I know, as Josh was still in Senior Staff. But I have always liked Congressman Wade, he's like my favourite uncle, he always brings me a present and tells me I need to eat more, so I didn't mind talking with him while waiting for Josh to arrive.
"He should only be a few more minutes. Are you sure you don't want anything, water, coffee?"
Hey, just because I refuse to get coffee for Josh does not mean that I won't get it for others. It is the principle of the situation with Josh, not the actual action which bothers me.
"No, Donna, I'm fine."
"Okay, but really it should only be another minute."
"You don't have to babysit me Donna, I know how crazy things are around here. How crazy things are for Josh. That boy needs to slow down."
I laugh silently to myself at Congressman Wade describing Josh as a boy, but I suppose when you in your late sixties everyone else is a boy.
"That boy needs a life, you know, marriage, children, something besides work. He works too hard, going to have a heart attack any day now if he's not careful," the Congressman continued.
"Yeah...", I respond half-heartedly. He is not saying anything I don't know, Josh does work too hard, but the idea of Josh with a wife and kids bothers me more than I should allow myself to admit because I can picture his children, his beautiful brown haired children...his children with Amy... yeah, he is back with her again. I don't even think he realizes that I know he is back with her, but I do.
I know what you are thinking now. It was her – it was Amy that prompted my new morning mantra. Well, she is partly to blame but unfortunately, I can't put all the fault with her. And while we talking about Amy let's just clarify a few things. I don't want to be one of *those* woman, you know what I mean, the kind of woman who hates another woman just because she has what you want. It is not Amy's fault that Josh wants to be with her, so I shouldn't take out my feeling on her. Plus Amy has never been horrible to me, I mean it is not like we would ever be best friends hanging out at the spa together even if the 'both wanting the same guy situation' didn't exist, but I don't have anything against Amy (besides the whole Josh choosing her over me thing – which I no long care about, remember my new mantra), she may be a little too aggressive at times but I can appreciate her dedication to the Sisterhood, even if I don't approve of her methods, i.e: attempting to screw over Josh. There is a quote that sums up my feelings towards Amy: "There's a special place in hell for women who cut down other women." So whatever I think about Amy, I going to keep those feelings to myself.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, recounting the day my heart imploded inside my chest, you know a regular Thursday.
So back to the conversation with Congressman Wade.
"That boy may work too hard, but that's what makes him the bulldog that he is today. If Josh wants something badly enough he will stop at nothing to get it. He doesn't mind playing dirty when he is fighting for something that he knows is important, that is the sign of a good man."
He's right, that is the kind of person Josh is, he will fight for something that matters. If he thinks something is important he will stop at nothing. I have heard these words before, probably spoken more eloquently then they are now, but there is something is the way Congressman Wade speaks that finally turns the light bulb on in my little blond Wisconsin brain...
Josh will stop at nothing to get something that matters to him...he literally will stop at nothing...boy, am I stupid!
If Josh wanted to be with me, he would have found a way by now, I mean it has been 6 years, you think in 6 years Josh would have done something, anything really, for us to be together, had me transferred, talked to Leo and figured out a working arrangement, but instead nothing. The only possible explanation left is that Josh doesn't love me.. . He would rather be with Amy, go to the movies with Amy, cook with Amy, sleep with Amy... he doesn't want us to be together, he just wants me as the girl who does the thing and doesn't get the coffee.
I honestly don't know why this epiphany? Revelation? Which of those words has a negative connotation? I'm not sure, I could ask Sam, but he's in California, I miss Sam...maybe I need a new word to describe this feeling, epiph-velation? Revel-phany? Not sure which sounds better –
Hey, focus Donna, focus, remember your world is shattering before your eyes ...
When the pain comes it is overwhelming, it feels like my heart has been placed inside of a vice, I am in physical pain. I unconsciously drop into my chair; the pain literally takes my legs out from under me. I place my hand to my chest as though by holding my heart it will stop ripping itself apart in my chest. No such luck.
By this time, the Congressman looks genuinely concerned for my well-being, and I don't blame him. I am slumped over in my chair, eyes glazed over, clutching my chest. I must look like I'm dying, which I suppose in a way I am.
Wow, way to be melodramatic there Donna, but honestly it does feel like a part of me is dying.
I know the Congressman is speaking because his lips are moving but all I can hear is a low buzzing noise. The pain is too much; I am afraid I might embarrass myself and faint right here in the bullpen. I wonder if I would be the first person to die in the White House, probably not, but my gift for useless trivia has left me at the moment ... I don't know how long I have been sitting here slumped over in my chair, the pain is so strong, the pain is overwhelming me, the pain is...gone?
Huh?
As quickly as the pain started, it has stopped. I can feel my lungs fill back up with oxygen, my heart returns to its normal beating pattern and my hearing has returned. For some reason I think about those stories you see on the news, you know the ones where some poor schmuck has a knife through his head, or is impaled by a tree branch.
When you see those stories you always think, "Wow, that's got to hurt!"
But the guy with a knife in his head says he doesn't feel a thing, there is no pain. There is no pain because at a certain point the body shuts down in order to protect itself, it is the body's way of saying, "Okay, there little buddy, we're just gonna switch off some feeling receptors cause you definitely cannot handle this."
That is what my body has done now, in order to protect myself from the bone shattering pain, my body has gone completely numb and I feel nothing.
I stand up abruptly and almost crash into Congressman Wade. I forgot he was still here. If he looked disconcerted before, he looks positively perturbed now.
"Donna, are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I must have eaten something earlier that didn't agree with me, but I'm fine now. In fact I don't think I have ever felt better. If you will excuse me I have to stop by the ladies' room."
I make a beeline for the restrooms. I need some time to with my epiph-velation, yeah I think that is the word I'm going with, without the watchful eyes of the congressman.
I splash some cold water on my face and look in the mirror. I don't know what I'm expecting to see, but I can't possibly look the same physically when everything about me internally has changed. Yet, when I peer into the mirror it is the same blue eyes, blond hair and toothy smile staring back at me.
I take a minute to wipe my face and take a few deep breaths. What I said to the congressman is true. I do feel fine; in fact, I can't remember the last time I felt this...free? It is like an anvil has been lifted off my chest. Armed with this new knowledge that Josh doesn't love me is in a way completely liberating. I no longer have to wonder, or hope, every day, that today might be the day that when he finally realizes what is right in front of him. He does know what is in front of him, he just doesn't want it.
I am about to make my way back to my desk when I hear a hesitant knock on the bathroom door.
"Donna, are you in there? Congressman Wade said you were sick, he's really concerned that something is wrong...are you decent? Can I come in...?
Of course it's Josh, the universe won't even give with 5 minutes to adjust to my new 'Josh-doesn't-love me-reality'.
"Josh, I'm fine, just some bad cream cheese from my bagel this morning, and what do you mean am I decent? Why would I not be decent? I don't normally take all my clothes off when I'm in the restroom you know."
"I didn't think you were naked, but a guy can hope." Josh has now entered the bathroom and is standing right in front of me.
I wait for the pain to return, it is one thing to know that I have no chance with Josh and accept that when we are not together, but with him standing right in front of me I am afraid the heart in a vice pain will return any moment now.
To my surprise and delight, because severe chest pain is not so fun, I still feel numb. No pain at all.
"Josh, really, I'm fine, just bad cream cheese. I'm sorry that I freaked out the congressman, I will go apologize to him."
"He doesn't want an apology Donna, he was worried about you, as am I. You sure you're okay?" The concern is evident is his brown eyes.
"I promise, everything is fine, now let's get back to work."
"I'm glad you're fine and it was only bad cream cheese cause I'm trying really hard right now to not make a joke about Wisconsin and dairy products."
"I'm so glad you have managed to restrain yourself, now go away, you are still in the ladies' washroom."
Josh looks around and realizes when he is.
"Okay, I'm leaving, but hurry up, after the Congressman I have no idea what I am supposed to do for the rest of the day so you need to go over my schedule again."
With that final parting shot, he quickly turns around and heads back towards the office.
Five minutes after Josh, I also leave the restroom and head back to my desk. The rest of the day passes by without incident, no more chest pains, no more delusions of a life with Josh, just a normal work day.
So that brings us to today. A few months later and things still stand as they did that day with the Congressman. Josh doesn't love me and I feel numb. Not numb in a bad 'I wanna cut myself to see if I can feel way', just numb in a I-feel-no-pain-way, like after you leave the dentist, but you can still feel the anesthetic in your mouth way.
Actually I am pretty excited about day because Sam is coming for a visit. Yeah, he lost the election but he was really faced with an insurmountable task there. I was hoping that he would come back to work with us again but he decided that he needed to slow down and has decided to start practicing law again. Anyway, we are all going to meet for drinks tonight, the whole gang: CJ, Toby, Josh, and we might even drag Will along too.
The day passes quickly and here I am now sitting at the Hawk and Dove getting drunk with my friends.
I really am in a great mood. The conversation in fun, my friends are great, the music is...oh, I love this song.
"Who wants to dance?" I quickly scan my tiny group.
Well, Toby is an automatic no, I can't even imagine him dancing, I think the sight of Toby dancing would upset the balance of the earth like the space-time continuum opening up, which is a very bad thing based on how it is whispered about in those Sci-Fi movies.
"Josh?"
"No, Donna. You know I don't dance."
"Fine, Josh. You never want to do anything fun to me...with me...I mean you never want to dance." How many whiskey sours have I had again?
"I'll dance with you Donna." Sam gallantly offers and leads me out to the dance floor.
Out of the corner of my eye it looks like Josh is glaring at me but I can't be sure and I don't really care...much.
Dancing with Sam is great, I know I have mentioned this before but I really do miss him.
"So, Donna...I haven't really had a chance to talk to you since you came out to California. What's new with you?"
When I first had my Josh epiphany the only person I thought I could talk to about it was Sam, but Sam was in California at the time; however, now he is standing in front of me and it seems like the perfect time.
"Well, Sam something huge has kinda happened and I do want to talk to you about it but you have to promise not to say anything to anyone, even Josh, especially Josh."
"Donna, of course I wouldn't..."
"Promise Sam!"
"Okay, I promise. Is this about a guy?"
"Yeah, it is, but not in the way you think. A few months ago..."
The music has changed and the loud pulsating noise is going to make a conversation really difficult unless I plan on shouting the whole time, which I do not.
I grab Sam's hand and head out the back entry into a tiny parking lot.
"So, you were saying something about a guy." Sam trails off, prompting me to continue my story.
Now that I have Sam right in front of me I am so eager to finally talk about this that is all comes out in one big rush.
"Oh, Sam, a few months ago, there was a congressman, and he was taking about Josh, but I was thinking about a knife in the head but the knife didn't really hurt and that's okay because it's great Josh doesn't love me..."
"What? Donna, slow down! Why are you talking so fast?"
"Why are you hearing so slow?"
"Donna, please tell me what's going on."
"Josh doesn't love me." I state slowly and clearly so he doesn't get confused this time.
"What are you talking about? Did you two finally have the conversation? I don't believe for a second that he doesn't love you."
"No, we didn't talk, I finally realized that he didn't love me and I'm okay with that, in fact it's great I don't really feel anything anymore, I'm free now. Before I used to over analyze everything I did, everything he did, but now that I finally know that he doesn't love me I can do all the things that I couldn't do before because I was afraid of Josh's reaction. I don't have to be afraid anymore because now I know. It doesn't matter what I do he is never going to love me."
Another thought hits me, now I can finally ask Sam about the whole epiphany versus revelation connotation issue; oh, and Sam can weigh in on what is the better word, epiph-velation or revel-phany? I am about to ask Sam his opinion but he has this really strange look on his face, almost as though he is talking to...
"... a crazy woman. I leave for 8 months and you turn into a crazy person. The words that you are saying make you sound like a crazy person. You are now a crazy person." Sam can't seem to stop shaking his head at me. For some reason Sam doesn't appear to be as excited as I am about Josh not loving me.
"Sam, this is great news. Do you know how many years I wondered what if...Now I don't have to wonder anymore. It's like I said before, I feel free."
"Free to do what Donna?" Sam still doesn't look any happier, in fact he has this look of pity on his face as though poor little Donna has finally lost her mind. Damn it, I don't want pity. I want him to understand how great this is.
"Sex!"
"What?"
Oh, no, the pity look on Sam's face is being replaced by the I'm talking to a crazy person look again.
"You see before, you know when I thought I had a chance with Josh, I didn't really mind that he sabotaged my dates. And when I did date, I always felt a little uncomfortable before the sex because I felt in a weird way that I was cheating on Josh, like in my heart I was cheating on him. Plus, I felt bad for the guy because when I closed my eyes I wished it was Josh with me, but now, now I can have sex with whoever I want and I wouldn't feel bad or even think about Josh."
I say that last sentence with a little uncertainty as I do still work 16 to 18 hours a day so I haven't had the opportunity to verify the not thinking about Josh during sex with other men claim yet.
"Donna..."
"Sam, please, I want you to be happy for me. This is a good thing, please trust me. Now I get to have lots of sex with whoever I want, hell, I could sleep you." I am trying to lighten the mood here, but it doesn't seem to be working.
"Donna, I'm flattered but you're like a baby sister to me..." Sam now looks pretty uncomfortable with this conversation.
"Hey! I'm an attractive woman, Sam. Men want to sleep with me you know. Just because you're not interested doesn't mean other aren't."
Okay for the record I don't want to sleep with Sam, he was right describing me as his baby sister I do see him like an older brother but I'm not really in the mind set right now to deal with more rejection; first Josh, now Sam.
"I never said you weren't attractive Donna. You are a beautiful woman and I am sure that many men hit on you." Sam looks desperate to say anything that will turn me from the crazy woman he sees in front of him now back to the normal Donna he knew before he left for California.
I can tell he is trying to placate me now, so I want to make him suffer a little more.
"So, what you're saying is that if we didn't know each other and we just met in a bar you would find me attractive enough to hit on me with the hope that I would sleep with you?"
"Yes, Donna, if I didn't know you and we just met I would want to sleep with you."
Sam barely gets the words out of his mouth before we hear...
"There is no way in hell that you're sleeping with Donna, Sam!"
Why? Why lord do you hate me so? What have I done to you that the fates would have Josh walk into our conversation at that exact moment?
Argh! The next few minutes are going to make for the most awkward conversation...