Caterpillar Duck Race, a lucifer fanfic

Author's note: Something light to pass the time. Thanks to Sanoiro, without whose Caterpillar-Duck Race, Hello! I never would have watched Miranda. I highly recommend it for everyone. Miranda Hart's physical comedy is stellar, and Tom Ellis is... well, Tom Ellis. :)

Lucifer stretched out in the uncomfortable chair, lanky legs reaching unexpectedly far. He put his phone away again and sighed. "Boring," he muttered. He shot a glance at his small companion, who was rummaging through the crate of toys at his side. From her disconsolate expression, she agreed with his sentiment.

Lucifer peered hopefully down the hall, but neither the Detective nor her ex emerged. He wasn't sure how long ago they'd disappeared into the interview room - Chloe with a wink to her daughter and a whispered "Keep an eye on him, Monkey," that Lucifer just knew he'd been meant to hear - but it felt like an eternity, and he should know.

They'd been instructed to stay here in the family waiting area, where there was at least something to entertain the offspring. Sadly, there was nothing at all to entertain him, a serious oversight on the Detective's part. Finally, the child selected a toy: a wooden duck on a stick, with floppy rubber feet attached to a wheel. She walked it along the hallway, the flapping feet punctuating her progress.

Slap.

"Do you mind?" Lucifer demanded.

Trixie moved a little faster.

Slap-slap.

"Nope."

She paused in her perambulations and queried, "Want to try it?"

"I do not."

She continued on her way, the slapping sounds a constant cacophony. "No, thank you," she prompted.

Almost, he laughed. The little minx had the temerity to correct the manners of the Devil himself. "The Devil doesn't need to be polite," he informed her loftily.

Trixie shrugged and took the toy back to its box. Lucifer sighed in relief, but prematurely, as it turned out. Pushing her annoying anatine before her, she strode down the hall and then returned to make a narrowing spiral around the chairs. He pulled his legs back and tucked his feet partially under his chair as she drew closer; Italian leather, after all, and who knew where those duck feet had been?

As Trixie drew closer, there was a clatter, and then she dropped a string into his hand before scampering down the hall, giggling madly, the duck feet sounding like a firing range.

He looked down and saw a multi-jointed wooden toy attached to the string. "What is this?" he queried, despite himself.

Trixie flashed him a grin over her shoulder. "A caterpillar." The duh was implied.

Lucifer frowned. "What am I supposed to do with it?"

Trixie turned back toward him and took exaggerated steps, this time dragging the duck behind her. She widened her eyes a little as if to say, See?

Lucifer leaned down and rolled the caterpillar back and forth a little, then looked back at Trixie. She lifted her expressive eyebrows and then grinned at him: a challenge.

Lucifer huffed in exasperation and sat up once more, though he did also tug subtly on the string, moving the caterpillar just a bit.

Trixie made her way back toward him, to the percussive pounding of the duck's feet. "I'll bet ducks are faster than caterpillars."

"Well, of course ducks are faster than caterpillars," Lucifer replied. "They're far larger."

Trixie came to a stop next to him and wheeled the duck next to the caterpillar. "This one isn't. So if you lost the race, you couldn't blame it on size."

"Trust me, spawn, I have no need to blame anything on size." Trixie peered up at Lucifer in puzzlement, and he informed her, "I wouldn't lose." He paused. "What race?"

Trixie ambled back down the hall, pushing the duck before her. "The caterpillar-duck race," she said airily, casting another of those challenging grins over her shoulder.

Seeing that the child's back was turned, Lucifer gave another tug on the string, testing the wheels, only to look up to see Trixie watching him with amusement.

"Come on, Lucifer," she urged. "You know you want to try it."

Was she trying to tempt him? Him? Maybe it wasn't the detective he should be concerned was sent by his father, but rather her offspring. He pursed his lips and queried, "What do I get when I win?"

Trixie pushed the duck in a small circle, pondering. "I have chocolate chip cookies in my backpack," she offered. "I'll share - if you win."

"Well, of course I'll win," Lucifer proclaimed. He got to his feet and realized that the length of the string meant that he'd have to crouch to pull it. "That's not fair," he protested. He took a few steps, dragging the caterpillar behind him.

"Come on," Trixie encouraged. "You're a billion times bigger than me. That makes it fair."

Lucifer considered her point and nodded, acknowledging it. "So are there rules to this race?"

Trixie beamed, clearly thrilled that Lucifer had decided to play along. "Okay," she decided. "We'll start on... this line." She traced a tile with her feet. "And we'll go to..." She ran down the hallway to another tile. "... here. What matters is when the toy crosses the line, not the person."

Lucifer considered these rules, nodding thoughtfully. Bargaining time. "Well, then, the toys should be in the same spot on the starting line, so nobody gets a head start."

Trixie nodded as she returned to the starting line. "And we say one, two, three, and go."

"Go on three or on go?" Lucifer queried.

Trixie peered up at him, still far too cheerful. "On go," she decided. She frowned. "But who's going to say go, and watch to see who wins?"

"I can." The pair turned to see Ella standing near the snack machine, holding a pack of Teeny Tiny Donuts and watching the goings-on with obvious amusement.

Lucifer said quickly, "I'm just humoring the little terror."

Ella grinned, stepping closer and clapping Lucifer's shoulder. "Sure you are, dude."

Lucifer huffed in annoyance and straightened his jacket.

"O... kay , no touching the suit," Ella said amiably, starting for the other end of the hall. "Finish line right here?"

"Come on, Lucifer," Trixie urged, getting the duck into place at the starting line and nodding enthusiastically to Ella.

Lucifer visibility considered reneging on the race, with a quick look to Ella. Trixie, though, caught his attention and wielded her puppy-dog eyes to devastating effect. Lucifer sighed, strode to the starting line, and bent down to adjust the caterpillar's position.

"Okay?" Ella queried, looking down the hall to the competitors.

"I'm just doing this for the cookies," Lucifer announced.

Trixie just grinned. "We're ready. Remember, Lucifer, go on go, not three."

"I remember," Lucifer replied, smiling despite himself.

Ella hid her own smile. "Racers, get ready. One, two, three, GO!" As the racers made their frantic way down the hallway, she cheered impartially.

Of course, Lucifer won, though he did hesitate briefly upon seeing the strange faces Ella was making at him. Still, the caterpillar crossed the finish line well ahead of the duck, and Lucifer let out a whoop of victory.

"You're supposed to let her win," Ella hissed.

Lucifer protested, "Throw the race? That would be like lying."

Ella cast with a worried look toward the little girl. She had nieces and nephews, and she knew how this was likely to go down.

Fortunately, this was Trixie, and not one of Ella's siblings' children. "I wouldn't want to win if he let me win."

"There, you see?" Lucifer said smugly. Turning to Trixie, he added, "Come on, child. A deal's a deal."

Any further discussion was interrupted by Chloe's stagewhispered, "What is going on out here?" She stood near the entrance to the interview room her hands on her hips.

Trixie looked contrite, but not Lucifer. "Caterpillar-duck race, hello!" he crowed. "Want a go, Detective? You can race the winner, which, by the way, is me."

Ella sidled back toward her lab, avoiding Chloe's irritated gaze and murmuring something about get to back to work.

"No, I don't want a go," Chloe replied. "Lucifer, he was this close to confessing, but then he got distracted by all the noise out here."

Lucifer offered brightly, "Well, if you'd let me have a crack at him, I'm sure I could..." He trailed off upon seeing Chloe shake her head.

"Not after what you did last time. Just... sit there and try not to make so much noise."

Trixie had already put away the duck and came over to give Chloe a hug. "Sorry, Mommy."

"It's okay, baby," Chloe replied, smiling as she hugged her daughter in return. "I know it wasn't your fault."

Lucifer, dragging the caterpillar back to the box, protested, "It most certainly was, Detective! It was all her idea!"

Chloe just shook her head and turned back to the interview room.

Lucifer dumped the caterpillar back into the box and moved to sit next to Trixie. "It was your fault."

"I know," the little girl agreed, handing Lucifer the promised cookie.

Lucifer bit into the cookie, mollified by her admission. "Quite good," he approved. "Glad I won."

Trixie chewed her own cookie, then said, "I would have shared even if I won."

Lucifer peered down at her, honestly puzzled. "But that wasn't the deal."

Trixie smiled. "I know."

Lucifer pondered this as he made short work of the cookie. "Maybe," he suggested, "we could have another go at the race."

Trixie nodded, with a grin. "We'll just be quieter this time."

"Right," Lucifer said, getting to his feet with a bounce of anticipation. "This time, I get the duck."