Author's Note: What started off as a short kink fic turned into a multi chaptered affair which took me nearly four months to finish. I've already been posting this on A03 so I'm just going to be dumping as much of this as I can when I have time but don't worry it's a completed fic :-)

Warnings for the following: Spanking, Graphic Sexual Content, Dubious Consent, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Minor Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, and Implied/ Referenced Suicide

Chapter 1:

The squad room was dim, the sun having gone down early from a dark rain that had plagued the city most of the day. It was eerily quiet except for the patter of the drops on the roof. Most of the desks were empty now. The smell of stale coffee lingered.

Stale coffee was the worst. Amanda would rather drive straight through exhaustion than drink it, unlike some of the others in Precinct 16, however, right now she'd give anything to change the reason for her roiling stomach.

A case file sat in front of her, her laptop open. Typically, she was able to accomplish what was set before her but at the moment she couldn't concentrate.

Amanda glanced over her shoulder towards the Lieutenant's office. Light glimmered from between the closed blinds and shut door. It had been that way for several hours.

A watched pot never boils, Amanda told herself. She forced her eyes back to her desk and let out a deep breath that rustled the blonde bangs hanging to the right side of her face.

It wasn't as if she were shackled here to the desk, but something kept her from getting up and leaving. It would take less than a minute to get on the elevator, ride down to the parking lot and drive away; but somehow she knew it would be futile.

The sound of a door opening jarred her and she spun in her chair, heart suddenly leaping.

The intimidating figure of Olivia Benson stood in the doorway of the lieutenant's office, outlined in light.

"Rollins, come in here and shut the door, please." Olivia said as their eyes met. For a moment, Amanda couldn't move as Olivia's eyes pierced hers. Olivia turned first, breaking the searing gaze.

Amanda rose slowly from her desk and headed towards the office, heart racing. Her fingertips and face felt slightly tingly and numb by the time she reached the open doorway. She could hardly lift her eyes as she eased the door shut, locking them inside together.

"Come sit down." Olivia gestured towards the chairs arranged in front of her desk. Amanda stared at Olivia's golden nameplate as she stepped forward, her body almost brimming over with stimulation. Her toe caught suddenly on the leg of the chair and she grabbed at the edge of the desk to catch herself before she made even more of a fool of herself. She leaned hard on the desk, dazed.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asked, reaching out to touch Amanda's whitened knuckles. Amanda drew back quickly at the touch. Olivia would be touching her soon enough. She didn't need this maternal gesture as well. Even if it was warm and caring, it burnt her skin like fire.

"What do you think?" She snapped, through labored breaths.

Olivia's eyes narrowed slightly and she retracted her hand. "I think you need to sit down and listen to me."

Amanda swallowed hard and lowered herself to the chair. She wasn't earning any points by being mouthy.

"What happened today..." Olivia began.

"I know." Amanda gritted her teeth.

"Listen to me." Olivia folded her hands on her desk and leveled an even gaze at Amanda. "I understand what your childhood was like, and the things you've gone through to be here."

Amanda cringed and looked away. Even was Olivia was scolding her, she never stopped caring. Maybe that was why Amanda continued to let this go on.

"You're a special girl, Amanda, and I want to help you reach your highest potential," Olivia went on, "But I can't do that when you disobey my every order."

Amanda swallowed again. Despite her deepest efforts, tears rose in her eyes. She bit at her lips, desperately hoping to suck back the emotion.

"I have taken responsibility of this unit and I have taken responsibility of you." Olivia leaned forward to make eye contact but Amanda could barely lift her eyes for a second. She couldn't stare into the intensity of Olivia's eyes and keep her composure.

"Your inability to obey is going to get you into more trouble than this one day." Olivia's voice softened slightly. "I don't want to see that happen."

"What are you going to do?" Amanda asked, haltingly.

Olivia took a measured breath and unlaced her fingers. "What do you want me to do?" She asked, standing from the desk. "We've been over this. Multiple times."

Amanda jiggled her leg and continued to bite her lip as Olivia rounded the desk and came to stand in front of her. She leaned against the desk and gazed down at Amanda, almost too close for comfort.

"You know what you're going to do." Amanda whispered, staring at the floor.

Olivia grabbed her chin and pulled her face up towards hers. "I could." She said in a steely tone, "but we both know you'll be right back in here next week unless you accept the meaning of these conversations."

Amanda yanked her jaw away in defiance. "Fuck you." She grumbled, pushing up from the chair in an attempt to leave.

Olivia's fingers caught her elbow, digging into the soft underside with a threat that Amanda didn't dare pull away from again. Olivia yanked her close, their faces bare inches apart.

"Now that's insubordination and disrespect." Olivia's tone quivered on the fine line of control but it only made Amanda's heart race faster.

How long do you want to be in here for, Amanda?" Olivia questioned.

Amanda huffed, her insides squirming. Their bodies were far too close and her blood was beginning to rush with more than just anger.

"If this is what you want, I can bend you over right now." Olivia said in a low tone, her fingers tight around Amanda's arm. Their legs were touching, their breasts on the verge of colliding; and with Olivia's breath in on her cheek, Amanda didn't think she stood a chance.

"Then do it." Amanda breathed, rebelliously. "Make me."

She could see Olivia's jaw clench and her heartbeat lurched. Eliciting any type of volatile reaction from the stoic lieutenant was a reward well earned and one she would willing take for what was going to come. Her wild heart lived to defy anyone and everything and Olivia was no exception.

Olivia turned quickly, knocking aside the clutter on her desk with a quick swipe of her hand. Her name plaque, tin of pens and pencils, and a case file clattered to the side and in the next instant, Amanda's cheek and chest were flush against the cherry wood frame. Olivia was so smooth that she barely remembered going down or the fact that she had somehow twisted her arm behind her back in the same motion. It didn't hurt, but it held the threat of pain if she dared to move.

Olivia leaned over her, strands of her copper hair tickling Amanda's cheek. "I don't want to be harsh with you, Amanda. I don't want to hurt you."

"I think that's what you've been doing on a routine basis." Amanda sneered, despite being pinned down.

"You're a big girl, Amanda." Olivia replied. "I think you're highly capable of taking a punishment, and much more if you would learn to be a team player"

Amanda squirmed under Olivia's hold but it only served to stretch the muscles and tendons in her shoulder. Olivia's grip was like iron.

"Stop." Olivia commanded, pressing more of her body weight on top of her. She didn't relent until Amanda ceased to fight.

Amanda groaned softly and turned her face away, pressing her forehead into the hard desk.

"You bring this on yourself." Olivia said, leaning back slightly.

"I know…" Amanda whispered, squeezing her eyes shut against another onslaught of tears. She'd always been too headstrong for her own good and now she'd finally met her match.

Olivia let her lie there for a moment, contemplating her choices, before she said quietly, "I'm going to take off your pants now."

Amanda nodded, misery streaking tears down her cheeks. She lay against the desk like a deflated balloon, sucked of all her strength. Fighting only did so much, then came Olivia Benson.

As if sensing her defeat, Olivia released her arm. Amanda slid her arm away from her back and to the smooth surface of the desk. She wasn't necessarily afraid but Olivia always made her feel the perfect slice of humiliation to remind her that Amanda did not make the rules - Olivia did.

Olivia's silence burned Amanda's ears, her embarrassment rising to fill in the gaps.

She felt Olivia's hand slide beneath her stomach and feel quickly for the button of her pants. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut as she moved swiftly into the next motion, hooking her fingers in the waistband and giving a firm yank.

Amanda choked back a soft cry and clenched her teeth. She couldn't speak much less refuse. With anyone else, this might've felt like a violation of their values as members of SVU but somehow this reprimand was unlike any other encounter Amanda had ever had. Olivia had, and would again, touch her naked flesh in a way that seemed more hurtful than loving but Amanda still complied. Every single time.

"I didn't want to do this again." Olivia finally said as Amanda's pants crumpled around her knees, leaving her naked from the waist down. "But you don't give me very many options."

"Just do it." Amanda managed through gritted teeth.

Olivia didn't answer but Amanda could feel her move away. Soon after, the desk drawer squeaked open and Amanda glanced up through a fringe of hair. She glanced Olivia's taut face as she straightened… Then the object dangling from her fingers.

Amanda gulped in several breaths but didn't move.

She remembered the first time Olivia had called her in for such a meeting. She'd been much more lenient in words and in punishment. The smack of her palm stayed with Amanda to this day, and although it had seemed to be the most humiliating experience she'd ever had in that moment, she wished for it now.

"Olivia, please…" She whispered.

"You're begging me now?" Olivia questioned. "Now that I have this." She slammed the paddle down on the desk next to Amanda's head, her long fingers stretched out over the handle, ready to take it up once more at a moment's notice.

Amanda whimpered quietly. "Can't you just use your hand?" She turned her head back towards Olivia gingerly glancing up at her.

"Your ass isn't going to be remember my hand tomorrow." Olivia shook her head.

"I will." Amanda whispered.

"If that was true, this would've stopped after the first time." Olivia returned. "Don't try to sweet talk your way out of this, honey."

Amanda groaned and pressed her forehead against the desk again. "Fuck." She murmured under her breath. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to focus on her hot, throbbing body.

She felt Olivia move closer, then a hand rest on her lower back, just where the hem of her shirt met bare skin. She shivered at the contact of flesh on flesh, biting back another whimper.

"I told you last time that if you made me do this again… it wouldn't be pretty."

Amanda hitched in a breath, but felt a tear run down her nose.

"And I think you know by now that I'm a woman of my word." Olivia continued. "Don't you?"

Amanda nodded but couldn't force her tight vocal cords to cooperate. Her mind was too occupied on what was coming next. Simultaneously, her body was on high alert, her skin prickling all over.

"Good." Olivia murmured. Her fingers tightened over Amanda's shirt hem and Amanda reached for the edge of the desk, gripping it so tightly that it dug into her fingers.

The first blow jarred her and she lurched against the desk. She barely held back a cry as the harsh strike of the paddle burned into her skin.

It'll all be over soon… She told herself into her mind. She'd lived through a dozen or more of these reprimands. Although she wasn't sure her pride was completely intact, she always managed to pull it together and come into work the next day.

The crack of the paddle against her skin made her cringe in unison with the pain as Olivia released the tool upon her one more. At this point Amanda could hardly breath. If she stopped holding her breath she would cry and she didn't want Olivia to hear it. Somehow, her stubborn nature resided through the persistence of Olivia's determination even if it didn't present itself as plainly as it once had. There had been a time when she hadn't given up so easily.

Amanda stifled a moan at her own weakness right before the paddle came down once more. The pain had begun to sink into her flesh, searing deeper with each blow. Moisture squeezed from beneath her tightly shut eyelids but she refused to show her distress. Olivia had made it quite clear that she didn't intend to stop until she was bruised and compliant. Olivia's silence spoke for itself even now in that regard.

Amanda's palms were sweating now, slipping over the smooth wood with each jarring blow. Her body ached to be relieved but Olivia would not be so kind. Not this time. Amanda had used up all of her second chances.

The only sound she could hear from Olivia was a ragged pant which punctuated each spanking. Her ears narrowed in on the sound, focusing uncertainly.

The punishment fell heavily, burning hot paths across her naked flesh until there wasn't an untouched inch of skin left on her backside. It seemed to go on for hours until at last Olivia's hand slipped from her back.

Amanda remained face down on the desk, breathing heavily. Her face and neck were flushed, perspiration gathering all over her body. She throbbed, the stimulation reaching out to her extremities but centering deeply at her core.

"You can stand up now." Olivia's voice broke the silence, shattering upon Amanda's ear. She pushed herself up slowly, reaching down quickly for her pants, although she wanted to wipe her face of tears. She gingerly maneuvered her pants over her aching buttocks, her head lowered.

The nausea of guilt had dispersed but the sting of humiliation drove hard through her stomach.

"Go to the bathroom and wash up before you leave." Olivia advised. Her voice no longer held the edge of anger that it had before and that made Amanda feel slightly better.

"Okay." She whispered. She could barely glance up at her lieutenant, much less hold eye contact so she ducked towards the door. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Actually…" Olivia said as she sat back down at her desk, "I don't want to see you in this office for the next three days."

Amanda's mouth feel open and she turned back in shock, "What?!"

"You're suspended." Olivia stated, her gaze unflinching.

"B-but…" Amanda sputtered.

"This went over my head, Amanda." Olivia said, "You went under cover without my knowledge… Without anyone's knowledge and put yourself in a position to be hurt. Badly."

"But Dodds-"

"You're only lucky he showed up." Olivia's voice rose. "Those men could have dragged you into an alley and beat you!"

"So what?" Amanda asked, angrily. "You're going to beat me? And suspend me?" She scoffed in her throat and turned on her heel.

"Amanda." Olivia called after her.

"I need to go." Amanda threw a glare back in Olivia's direction before yanking the door open and storming out. Her blood was boiling, her body on high alert, intensifying everything.

She heard Olivia coming after her but she marched towards her desk, grabbing her coat off the back of the chair.

"Amanda." Olivia caught up with her, grabbing her arm.

"Get off!" Amanda yanked her arm away and fully faced Olivia, almost pushing her back. For a moment she didn't seem to know how to react but then Olivia had always been good at thinking on her feet.

Their bodies collided as Olivia grabbed her upper arms and pinned her against her own desk.

"You're twisting my words and my actions." She said in a steely tone.

"It seems pretty plain to me." Amanda whispered.

"Does it?" Olivia asked, narrowing her eyes. "I'm trying to help you, Amanda."

"It would help if you let go of me." She returned. With what vigor she had left she wrenched herself from Olivia's grip and nearly ran towards the elevator. This time, Olivia didn't pursue her and by the time Amanda looked back, the door was closing on the sight of Olivia leaning on Amanda's desk, her head lowered. It looked like defeat but Amanda knew better.

She punched the button for the ground floor and sank back against the wall. Her heart was racing so fast that she could barely breath. Her mind was tumbling in a hundred different directions. She didn't know what to think besides, I have to get out of here.