My Unlucky Stars

Hiei's reflecting on his relationship, or lackthereof, with Kurama. He knows he'll never have the fox as his own, and he finds that some things hurt worse than pain...like love. Shounen-ai, you are warned.(I wrote it in three days, yay!)

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters, and I am not Yoshihiro Togashi.I do, however, own the fic, David and Alyssa's pens, and my muse, Nishiki. I also do not own the song "Stars" by Alison Krauss.

Stood out in the rain,

Let it soak me down,

Before I called you…

I called you.

Raindrops slipped and slid across the waxy leaves, rolling down to soak the figure sitting in the shadows, just beyond the fingertips of the light. The water landed in his hair, and rolled slowly down his profile, which was serious, yet unguarded, relaxed, yet unwaveringly focused. Sliding…sliding down ivory skin graced by rose-colored lips that matched the shade of his eyes. Slipped beneath the white scarf guarding his fine collarbone, soaking into his cloak somewhere when it reached his chest. Many more followed this path until he was thoroughly soaking wet, but he might as well have been unconscious, for all that he took to account. No…he was too focused on what filled his vision, and at the moment, his heart.

After all, what was a little rain? When he was rewarded…with far more than a famous fox could ever steal. The famous fox never had this sweet, aching lurch of heart that he was experiencing now. Never this sad desire that needed to be fulfilled…yet had a hiatus on when it would be, if ever. Nothing that he was feeling now…longing, desire, yet completely content with just watching. Watching…his own treasure. His own famous fox.

The redhead was sitting in a chair near his desk, in only his sleep pants, bent intently over a western instrument that Hiei recognized as a guitar. The fox was so absorbed into the music that he never once bothered to look up, outside, to see a shadow of slight build watching him with equal intensity. Kurama would close his eyes every now and then, his body rocking gently to the tune of his music, and Hiei watched the long, graceful fingers slide and catch on the strings, strumming with such a soft pattern that he had to swallow to keep a moan from escaping his throat.

He wanted to be in there, to take the fox right there and then as his own, to never have to let him go. Thunder cracked ahead and he suddenly came to his senses. He'd been sitting here for over two hours now. He really should be heading…well, somewhere. Slowly, he shifted his eyes to where the fox was still playing his instrument, flawless, defined body still rocking back and forth behind the glossy wood of the guitar. He silently bid the object of his desire goodnight, and jumped from the tree into the night.

You did not see me there,

Hidden by the dark,

Beneath your window,

But I saw you.

But then, it's always like that, he thought, walking down the late-night street. When has he ever noticed me? The voice that would normally come back with either a sensible or caustic remark was silent. Then: Who has ever noticed you, unless they were just about to be killed by you? Hiei couldn't bring himself to answer. Year after year, since he had met Kurama, he had been fascinated by him. His beauty, his mannerisms, his amazing ability to mask himself in a way he himself never could, everything.

He was a truly amazing being, and Hiei knew that he would never really be able to have for himself. He knew that, he accepted it…but still the fox was always prowling at the edges of his mind, stealing his attention whenever possible.

Still, when no one was around, when no one was watching, he always had to soften his eyes whenever looking at Kurama. It was a natural reaction, though no one knew he actually possessed it. Maybe that wasn't the case though, Hiei thought as he listened to the rain fall around him, passing under various streetlights, and feeling his boots meet the sidewalk with light thumps.

No…what if it was that people had noticed? Had noticed how he looked at Kurama, how he treated him? Maybe the reason he felt no one had noticed was because the only person who mattered hadn't? After all…Kurama was everything to him. Everyone. Why should he care if anyone else noticed?

When putting on a face for the mirror on the wall.

Dreaming that the looking glass is you

Catching my fondest gazes,

Living through my fickle phases,

I love you.

He passed by a darkened window of a shop closed for the night and stopped walking for a moment. A streetlight illuminated the area behind him, and rain fell still, soaking him to the bone. The scarlet eyes roved over the shining glass in front of him, and stared at the single object that was his attention. A dark, sad shadow standing on the sidewalk, filled with an ineffective wish that led to futile hope. Drenched, and weary, walking alone. He looked down, and began walking again.

He looked up, watching the streets guide the water down into the drains and suddenly felt very alone. Even now, staying in the human world, he was always surrounded by people, even if he isolated himself. But this…there was no one now. No one. Slightly disheartened by this, he kept walking until he felt the ground begin to rise. Good, he was going to be out of the city soon. The streetlights were harsh, hurt his eyes, and blocked out any source of comfort given by the night sky.

His mind began to drift, and soon was caught on the teeth of the fox prowling his mind once again. He wondered why he had gotten so attached to Kurama. What reason should he have for loving the redhead so, like not other? What components made him feel like he wanted to hold him forever? To comfort, to be comforted…

Well, his rational voice said, really, how long have you ever kept a friendship? You're mean, cold, unemotional, unpredictable…why should anyone want to be around you?

But he did…Hiei thought quietly. He's still with me, even if it's not in the way I want. How many times had he turned up on Kurama's windowsill, furious or indignant, and ranted, or complained? How many times did Kurama offer him kindness, and he would scowl and turn away with an upturned nose? How often did he bite the hand that tried to comfort him? And still…Kurama kept him around. Never banished him, never locked himself away from him…it was amazing. It was love, said the same voice in the back of his mind. And you love him, and he knows.

Spend my time on 'phones,

Tryin' just to talk

But you didn't answer,

You let it ring.

But then, of course, there were the other times…times Kurama hadn't known what he was doing, and in the course of his actions, made Hiei turn on him. Times when he would be trying valiantly to express himself to the fox, and all he could concentrate on was tomorrow's biology test. Times when he should have been with Hiei, he was with his mother or some classmates, attempting to help them. Kurama had tried to explain, tried to do what he could for Hiei, but it didn't always keep the bitterness from infesting the fire demon's heart.

And, let's not forget, Hiei thought cynically, the girlfriend. Yes, Kurama had finally found himself a girl worthy of his godliness and was his current partnership. Hiei couldn't ever really stand to watch them together, let alone interact. So every time he saw the pretty, black haired girl come over, he left instantly for what would be hours of bitterness in his heart afterwards. It wasn't as though he really had anything against the girl, or at least, not anything more than any other human in the world.

No, the girl was not a bad person, she treated Kurama well, and clearly adored him. Shiori liked her too, and she was intelligent, and not like many of the other fangirls at school. Hiei remembered once on a rainy afternoon, he'd been napping in the tree outside Kurama's window, and when he woke, they had both been lying on Kurama's bed, holding each other, eyes closed. Hiei had been shocked, and actually fell out of the tree. The thump had brought the fox to the window, but Hiei was too busy rubbing his smarting head and running off with what dignity he had left.

So…a lot of his time had been devoted to the girl, and not him. He was jealous, he freely admitted it. Of course, admittance didn't actually help anything…the pain was still more evident than ever in his heart.

Spend my nights alone,

Catching fallin' stars

To give to you, love,

They're just for you.

He reached the place where he'd absently been traveling to, and sank down on the thick, soft grass. He was on a hill, small, albeit, but away from the city. It was pitch black around him, save for the ring of flowers that encircled him. They glowed a beautiful lavender, and tiny glittering lights rose form the petals and slowly transferred to the surrounding others.

As Hiei stretched out in the ring of glowing flora, he watched the millions of stars twinkle overhead, constellations not of his own world gracing his eyes. His world…he sighed. Kurama…was Kurama part of his world? He didn't know.

A streak of silver blinked quickly across the sky and his eyes widened. A falling star? He d heard human say that you were supposed to wish on them. So he did. He closed his eyes and wished. When he opened them again, he saw a larger streak of silver slowly making its way across the sky. A comet. More specifically, he knew, Amoraster, the Lover's star. His heart lurched sadly again. He and Kurama had come here not too many months before, and planted these flowers. Well, Kurama had. There had been shooting stars that night too. But Kurama hadn't had time for flowers lately, or him. He was too busy.

Hiei reached over and brushed his hands through the sparkling petals, bringing them close to his ace. His skin glowed gold and purple with shimmering dust, and he closed his eyes. He drew his glittering fists to his chest and closed his eyes slowly, digging his nails into his palms. He thought the sight he must look. Splayed out on the grass like a lost lover, wind running through his hair, and raindrops clinging to his smooth skin like tiny jewels.

Pretty enough for you, fox?

I mean, I know I'll never match your beauty, but…but aren't I worth anything?

Stars fall every time a lover has to face the truth,

And far too many stars have fell on me

And as they trail the skies

And burn their path upon my eyes

I cry.

Stars fell like wildfire now, silver streaking all over the sky. Hiei leaned up and hugged his knees to him, the ache having spread from his heart all throughout his chest. It hurt. He lay his head down on his knees and realized the sad truth.

As he was falling more and more in love with Kurama, more and more he was falling away from him. The thought scared him, and it made his stomach twist. Was it true? Could it be possible? But of course…of course it was.

Kurama would grow up, get married, have kids, until he died in his sleep at a ripe old age. And Hiei? Hiei would still be here. Alone and cold, only left with the memory of the friendly fox he had so unwisely given his heart to.

He rested his chin on his knees, and looked up at the sky. He stared for a long time, at the falling crystals across the sky.

Kurama had once told him that people gave each other stars as gifts. He had asked how, and Kurama said that people bought them, and gave a certificate saying what star it was, and the name. Hiei had thought it was stupid. How were you supposed to now which star was yours? They all looked the same to him.

Now though…now he thought he understood, a little more than he had at least. It wasn't so much the gift, it was the fact that your lover felt the need to purchase you something as beautiful as a star, because they thought you were worth it. He followed the quick paths of the stars with his eyes.

Kurama…if I gave you a star, would you understand? If I could catch all these falling stars, and I gave them to you, would it be enough? Would you realize how much I...care for you? That…that I love you?

Sadness coated him like a second skin, the anguish settling itself as firmly as a young fox might against his chest, weighing down heavily on his body. He really was cold…and tired now, too. Sighing, he watched as the falling of the stars gradually stopped, and when the last one fell, he lay back on the warm grass and wrapped the damp cloak over his body, slowly closing heavy lids over the ruby red eyes.

There's only so much I can do fox…I guess I'm doomed forever to love you, hm? What a paradox…I can only be tortured through love.

And it's getting easier, each day, to weep about you,

Harder, every night, to sleep without you

How many years must I be

Driven by this dream of love with you?

Eventually, sleep fell on him, and the sadness subsided a little, potency drowned a bit by sweet, comforting dreams. The next morning, the hill was empty, the demon gone. All that was left was a ring of trampled, lavender flowers, the imprint of a slight figure in the soft grass, and hidden among it, just a few shining black gems. These though, he had left as evidence. For a purpose. After all…

Everyone knows that tears shed for another are the ones that hurt the most.