Mrs. Watson

Timeline: An AU that starts a few days after Helen finds out the truth about John's crimes, but spans about a year and a half in total.

Warning: Helen is pregnant or in labour for the majority of this fic. Nothing unduly graphic is included, but there are passing references to some of the biological unpleasantness and inconvenience associated with pregnancy and childbirth.

Chapter 1

She was in her room, crying again, damn John. She hated crying. She hated him, and not just because of the tears she was shedding on his account. Bloody bastard!

The knock was an unwelcome sound without even knowing who it was trying to intrude on her grief. Even the knowledge that it might be her father gave her a sick feeling inside. She didn't know how she was supposed to face him again after everything that had gone so horribly wrong, so quickly. John, a killer because of her experiment with the Source. Her, pregnant out of wedlock because of her own lack of self-restraint. It was just all so unspeakable and she couldn't stand his pity any more than she could comfortably have stood his condemnation.

"I don't want company!" she shouted to whoever was knocking, earning herself a momentary respite.

Literally momentary.

A few seconds later, James's voice filtered through the closed door. "Helen, please, if I could just take a moment of your time?"

She hesitated at that. James was, after all, her best friend, and he sounded as broken as she felt. And why not, when he had loved John, too? Sighing, she dragged herself out of her bed and went to answer the door, wiping her eyes.

"I'm sorry, James, but I'm in no fit state for visitors."

"I know, and I hate to intrude," he answered, shaking his head and looking to be quite as desolate as she herself was. "I promise, I won't take much of your time. I certainly don't mean to impose."

"No, of course not. You, of all people, hardly could. I just... I'm afraid I can't allow you to stay long, James. I'm not well, obviously."

"No, no, of course you're not. I understand that, so I won't stay long. I just had... something to discuss with you."

"Something to discuss?" she repeated, frowning in surprise. At a time like this?

"Have you seen the others?"

She didn't see how it could bear any relevance to whatever it was he'd come to talk to her about, but she nodded anyway. "Nikola offered to murder John for me, and Nigel just kept hugging me and saying how sorry he was."

"They both love you very much," James answered, looking down. "We all do."

"I know. And I'm grateful to have you all. I really am, James. I know I've isolated myself since the news, but..."

"No. One can hardly blame you," he assured her. "But... well, certain matters call for swift action, don't they?"

She sighed at that, shaking her head. "There's no stopping John, James. He'd kill you for trying."

"I, uh... I didn't mean that matter," he told her, and his eyes darted down to her stomach for just a split-second.

She swallowed hard at that, bile rising in her throat. "I suppose, in your frequent brushes with the underworld, you've met a good abortionist?" she sighed, instinctively clutching her stomach. "But, no, James, I won't give my child up, not in that way or any other."

"Nor should you have to! I'm not suggesting that at all!" he protested quickly. "I had an alternative in mind that will protect you both!"

She looked up sharply, frowning. "There is no alternative, James. If I keep the baby, it will live a life of disgrace. If I give it up, I could never live with myself."

"If you were married, though..."

She scoffed at that, shaking her head. In theory, he was right. But, in reality... "I'm tarnished, James. To put it politely. Who would have me?"

"I would," he answered quietly, staring at the ground. "You could marry me."

She laughed, barely managing to keep down the rising hysteria she felt. Trust James to suggest ruining both their lives, just to preserve her honour and that of a bastard child. He might even go through with it, if it would help her, but she knew him well enough to know that he'd be miserable in a loveless marriage.

"James, that's kind of you, but I couldn't possibly."

He jumped a little, staring up at her with wide eyes for a moment before looking away. "No, of course not. It was merely the thought of a moment. Forget I mentioned it." Clearing his throat, he added, "But perhaps leaving town for a little while wouldn't be amiss."

"You want me to run away, with my tail between my legs, James? How could you, of all people, ask that of me?" she demanded, shaking her head. "I've always faced my problems head on. You really think I should stop now?"

"This is different, Helen. You must see that?" he sighed, reaching for her hands. "This is your whole future, your child's whole future. More than your own good is at stake."

She sighed and let him take her hands in his, feeling defeated. "I can't let this ruin either of our lives. I have to be strong," she declared firmly, shaking herself.

"You're always strong. But you don't have to be strong alone," he promised, squeezing her hands and drawing her closer. "You're surrounded by people who love you, people who want to help you."

She smiled weakly at that, wrapping her arms around him and resting her cheek against his shoulder. "You're a good friend, James."

"And I'll never stop being one," he told her, resting a hand on the back of her head with a soft sigh. "For once in your life, don't be so bloody independent and brave. Let the people who care for you help you," he advised quietly, lightly stroking her hair.

"It helps just knowing I have your support, James. You're my dearest friend and always will be."

He made a soft noise at that, not quite a laugh. "And don't you forget that you'll always be mine. I'd do anything for you."

"I know, James. I'm afraid there's just not anything you can do for me in this instance."

"No," he answered quietly, hugging her more tightly. "I suppose not. But I'll be here for you, all the same. Always."

"Thank you, James."

"Oh, Helen, how I wish..." He trailed off, shaking his head. Patting her back a few more times, he drew away, smiling weakly. "I should go. You must need time alone after everything you've been through."

"I'm sorry, but I think I do," she admitted.

"No, don't be sorry."

"I just have so much to think about."

"I understand. I do." He took her hands in his again, squeezing them with a sad smile. "I'll leave you to it, then. Don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything at all. I'm at your service, always."

"I know you are. Thank you."

Smiling weakly, she watched him go, shaking her head as he closed the door and left her once more in solitude. Her thoughts were painful, but they had to be worked through all the same.

Perhaps James had been right, that marriage would solve everything. But how could she possible marry after she'd come so close to wedding the monster that was the Ripper? Marriage was a gamble, even when you married for love. She had learned that the hard way, and known since watching John slit that poor girl's throat that she could never take the risk again. Even a good man, even the best of men, might have a secret dark side, might change.

Yet how could she consult her own interests when the future of her child was at stake? The stain of illegitimacy was one that a bastard carried for its entire life. Matters might be hushed up, if one became rich or powerful enough, but all it took was discovery to end careers and destroy families. A child born out of wedlock would always have a cloud hanging over its head, one that would scare away friends, lover, and potential employers alike. It would be a constant struggle, and a lonely one. Did she really have the right to doom her own child to such an existence out of mere distaste for matrimony?

But did she really have the right to accept an offer from James, entrap him in a lifelong sham of a marriage? He would be miserable with a partner he didn't love, let alone with one who didn't love him in that way. She cared for him too much to make him suffer in a loveless relationship. He deserved a proper wife. Or, more likely in his case, a long-term male flatmate who shared his interests and tastes and who would eventually become his inseparable companion. Someone who could make him happy. Someone loving. Someone decent. Not a rebel female who had managed to disgrace herself by an illicit fling with James's own lover.

Not that she'd meant it as an illicit fling but, by virtue of the fact that the marriage would now never take place, that was exactly what it might as well have been. They hadn't been able to do the proper thing and wait. It hadn't entirely been John's fault, either. She'd been as eager as he was to explore the forbidden mysteries of love and sex. They'd been quite enthusiastic in their indecencies. It had always felt wonderful, and she'd been looking forward to a lifetime of enjoying more. But it had been a mistake.

A terrible mistake.

A terrible mistake that had doomed both her and an innocent child to a lifetime of misery and ignominy.

She covered her mouth to stifle the noise that rose in her throat, tears hot on her cheeks. She wished James was here. She missed her best friend's comforting embrace, his hands holding her, one pressed firmly against her shoulder and the other gently cupping the back of her head. It wasn't the first time he'd ever hugged her, but he'd never held her quite so long, or in quite such a tender fashion, and she missed it already.

But she would have to get used to being alone. It was the future she'd consigned herself to.

Sniffling, she sat on the edge of the bed, burying her face in her hands and weeping quietly.